I’d Rather Blame David Duchovny [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good horning. You hit that note like nobody’s business. It’s Friday, February 21, Two Thousand and Fourteen. In Brooklyn, the temperature is 37˚ & cloudy and somewhere, somebody is deliberately trying to make magic brownies by simply adding marijuana to the batter. He/she will learn an important lesson about life, love and wasting money. Meanwhile, I probably have a couple of things on my mind…

– God bless the Bodega Man. He does not have the capacity to judge. You can buy whatever wacky combination of items you want and he’ll be happy to sell them without comment. King Cobra and baby formula? The shit is yours! Can of shaving cream and 50 rolls of toilet paper? That’ll be $55! Blunt wraps and calling cards? You gotta call somebody, don’t you?!? Roses and shotgun shells? You gotta know who to ask. They keep the roses on the DL, noam sain? Regardless, I waltzed into the bodega today and bought a Little Debbie® Brownie, an Arizona® Energy Drink and a single serving of Pepto Bismol®. Because, duh. If I was at any other store with regular people working the register, I probably would’ve received a lecture about nutrition and treating your body like a temple and blah blah blah. Instead, my Bodega Man was business as usual, as I paid entirely in change. Have you hugged your Bodega Man today?

– Top 5 things that my friends are doing/want to do that I do not:

5) Play guitar
4) Start a family
3) Work on a farm
2) Start brewing/distilling beer/spirits
1) Quit smoking

– My face lost a lot of depth yesterday. Seriously, the shit is flat now. I haven’t been clean shaven in about 10 months. I feel like I lost 15 pounds. I probably did. Facial hair can carry a lot of weight. I’m never a big opponent to change, but there’s some things that I already miss. When I’m uncomfortable in a social setting, what in the hell am I going to do with my distracted hands? Scratch my chin? Play with my nipples? Pick my nose? I really don’t want to find out what my hands are going to end up doing in times of need. The other main problem is that there is no possible way I can look threatening and clean shaven at the same time. I’ve tried to make a tough guy face in the mirror, it just looks goofy as fuck. Like “Gee golly whiz, please don’t mug me, I’ll whoop your behind! Yuck yuck yuck!”. Also, being clean shaven makes me look wealthier, which is dangerous. With the beard, I could get away with looking like a poor hipster. Now I’m a goddamnred prep. Prime target to get the shit kicked out of me. There’s a story that I’ve probably told all of you before. It was last fall, I was walking through the projects in Red Hook, because I’m an idiot. I see a group of 7 or 8 dudes in the distance and they’re walking as slow as molasses. I’ve heard of these situations before. Go to pass them and they’ll stop you in your tracks. Try to walk as slow as them, you’ll eventually speed up and get right behind them, which ends the same way [with your ass beat]. I could’ve just crossed the street, but like I mentioned before, I’m an idiot. So I sidle up behind them, without saying a word. This is a good tactic for getting through a crowd of pedestrians, but only if they’re drunk tourists in the East Village. I’m screwed. Completely screwed, no chance of backing out. Suddenly, one of the guys notices a change in shadow and turns around. With a jump, he moves to the side and tells his boys to stop walking. They let me through, which usually ends up being a trap, but this time it wasn’t. “Did you guys see that shit?!? He just appeared out of nowhere! Oh my god!”, the guy recoiled as I walked into the distance. Nobody wants to flex with a dude sporting a massive beard in the wrong side of town, regardless of his skin color/whether or not he’s wearing a bow tie. If I had done that today, looking the way I do, the result might be different. I really miss my beard.

– I have a drug problem. Two drug dealers take separate Amtrak trains. One leaves Philadelphia at 3:26 EST as the other leaves Chicago at 3:58 CST. If both trips are non-stop, which one is going to get to Cleveland first?

– Met a girl at a bar the other day. Or actually, she met me. She was working as a representative for Mountain Dew some brand of Irish Whisky. So, of course, I immediately tuned her out and tried as hard as I could to offend her. But she didn’t falter. And it was all very confusing, as her english was slow, calculated, repetitive and terrible. But she’s obviously a native english speaker and a salesman at that. I couldn’t tell if she was really wasted or just bad at her job. I’ll probably never know. I bailed out of there as fast as I could. No way in hell was she going to coax me into buying her whisky! I’m undateable. Dew the math.

– Remember when aliens were cool? Not the scary ones that eat you alive, but the ones with the oval heads that more than likely come in peace? The ones that are more apt to drink your Budweiser and smoke your Ganja Bud Weed than to take over the world? A tendency to wear baseball caps backwards and may or may not had invented the concept of a rave? They were on T-Shirts, Pogs, Posters, Tattoos, you name it. I don’t know how that craze started in the 90’s, but we might as well blame David Duchovny. It’s all his fault. Get him!

– I can no longer have a conversation about sports without looking up a statistic. April must be around the corner.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Sneak into your office, unplug everything and put tape over all the outlets. It’ll be chaos come Monday, as everyone tries to figure out if it’s safe to plug anything in or not. Chances are, you’ll have a 3 day weekend and if you’re really lucky, a long vacation!

Have a statistically agreeable weekend!

-TeeCoZee