I’d Rather Not Date A Seagull [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Bon matin. That’s French. Eat it, nerdos, I’m cultured! It’s Friday, February 14, Two Thousand and Fourteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 35˚ & sunny and somewhere, some dude is finally having sex with the woman of his dreams, only to discover that she’s not all that great and now there’s nothing in life for him to look forward to or believe in and on top of that, she wants him to make croissants! Meanwhile, I have some things on my mind.

– In speaking of temperatures, the climate in my room this week has varied between 45˚ and 80˚. Nothing in the middle. Hey radiator, here’s a good idea: 65˚! Boom!

– Here’s 5 things that I just learned from watching an episode of Cheers:

5) Frasier actually thinks he can help other people avoid awkward encounters.
4) Woody Harrelson has a fear of running over pigeons.
3) Ted Danson may or may had gotten laid on Arbor Day, 1990.
2) Young people enjoy flirting with geezers.
1) Kirstie Alley is a succubus that steals the soul of whoever she kisses. The somebody will steal that person’s beer.

– Can we please just end Winter now? I’m getting sick of moving all my furniture every time there’s a heavy snow. I want warm weather and a new roof! Also, one of those pens that undresses the pictured woman when you click it! Maybe a gyro, too. Those are my only demands! Cough it up! Fuck it, I could use a soda, too. Diet. So, do you have the order right? Can you repeat it back to me?

– I was shaving in a foggy mirror, so I tried wiping it off. Problem was, I tried to wipe the fog off my face, not the mirror. My beard doesn’t look right.

– Diamond heists are stupid. When was the last time somebody actually got away with one? I don’t think I’ve ever heard a news anchor say anything like “A local jewelry store was robbed today. Although the person was not wearing a skimask, he had no distinguishable characteristics and we might as well stop trying to figure out who it was.” Getting away with robbery seems like a very far-fetched plan. It’s almost as stupid as making counterfeit poker chips, entering a tournament, getting far in the tournament and then getting paranoid and attempting to flush all the chips down the toilet. Nobody would ever be dumb enough to do that. Oh wait.

– “There is no reason for this emotional stagnancy except for the the flaws in my own design. The TeeCoZee persona is not built to be in relationships. It was built to combat my own loneliness and self-despisal. TeeCoZee, ideally, can be the life of a party, but everything about the structure falls to pieces when a person of attraction comes into the scene.” – Me, 2/14/10

Why was I talking about myself in the 3rd person? Self-despisal? I didn’t think I changed much in the last 4 years, but yeesh! These days, when I put myself down, I try to at least inject a little humor into it. This is some Xanga-ass shit!

– But yes, I do have some reservations about Valentine’s Day. I hate the fact that it’s on a Friday. I’m always happy on a Friday and people know that. I’m going to waltz into work with animated birds tweeting overhead and then a black cloud will form as I get constantly pestered to wear this stupid paper hat [think: reindeer horns] that says “kiss me” and sheds feathers everywhere it goes. Then, when I refuse to wear it, all of my cashiers will revolt against me for being a Scrooge and spend the rest of the day squawking like seagulls, trying to figure out which flowers or candy to buy for their mommas. And I’m sure one of the cashiers will get some oversized bear delivered and it’ll become a huge distraction and I’ll be the one getting in trouble for not disciplining my girls well enough. Squawk squawk squawk squawk! Seriously, listen hard. Every excited girl sounds like a seagull. It’s uncanny. Then one of the banks will end up short, a customer will get pissed at me about the price of flowers/beer and somebody will make an inappropriate joke that nobody can shut up about. Then I’ll walk to the East Village, past all the restaurants filled with people that are on the verge of The Year’s Best Coitus™ and stew a little bit more. I’ll sink into the corner seat at the bar, observing the couples around me and I’ll realize why I’ve been alone all these years. I have an unwillingness to settle for less. Not to say that I’m shallow, but I’ve been very hard-pressed to find any women in this city that I can actually enjoy being around. Why would I try to be with a humorless seagull that is only interested in chocolate, Law & Order and boning tall bearded guys in hats. This is actually kind of groundbreaking. For once, my loneliness is not my fault! It’s because there’s too many lame people out there! I DON’T HATE MYSELF ANYMORE! IT’S A VALENTINES FUCKING MIRACLE!

– Garbage men get Lincoln’s birthday off. Lincoln didn’t even get his birthday off! He also didn’t believe in garbage men! Or ghosts!

– This week, on the trading block, I’m offering to do things for a specific price:

* Call everyone I meet Sussudio for 3 weeks: $949
* Drink the brown water leaking from my ceiling: $702
* Stalk Jennifer Connelly: $100,000 + expenses, to paid after the restraining order is filed
* Spend a whole season watching nothing but the Yankees: $Therestofa-rod’scontract
* Never wear a tie again for the rest of my life [funeral need not apply]: $500,000
* Fart in somebody’s face on the 4 train: $20 and some pasta

-“How you doing man?”
“How you feeling man?”
“Alright” – 2 yelling guys walking by my window, 22 seconds ago

– In case you were wondering, yes, the night STILL belongs to Michelob. Don’t listen to Joaquin or Mark. They don’t own shit.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Do your own tricks! I’m sick of coaching y’all!

Have a motivatingly lazy weekend!