I’d Rather Take The F Train To Ohio [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Happy Brunchtime, you courageous hipsters. It’s Friday, December 27, Two Thousand And Thirteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 37˚ & partly cloudy and somewhere, somebody is planning a grand scheme while making out with a picture of Don Henley. Namely 1982 Don Henley. Meanwhile, I have procrastinated the entire morning, leaving me with only 27 minutes to write, edit and post this mess. THE RACE IS ON!

– People ask me things all the time. They say things like “Hey, Coze. You’re incredibly lazy, but you don’t smell bad. How do you get your laundry done so frequently?”. The answer is simple: If you don’t give a crap about what happens to your clothes, doing the laundry is a process that only takes an extra 15 minutes out of your morning [as long as you have a good 90 minutes before you have to be somewhere]. The key is to not waste any time at the laundromat. Don’t even fuck around with checking to see if the machine is spinning properly. Throw your clothes in there and get the hell out of dodge! For example, I accomplished the following things while doing laundry today:

– Paid my utilities
– Paid my credit card bill
– Drank a coffee
– Twiddled my thumbs
– Selected and edited the picture for this piece
– Took a shower
– Made some cigarettes
– Sent a terrible message to a girl on OkCupz
– Ate some Chex Mix™
– Saw the girl that I fell in love with on the A train at 2:33 AM on Tuesday, December 3 2013, walking across the street. I felt the sudden urge to run across to her, shake her hand and say “Hi, my name’s Troy and you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life. Please don’t move out of the neighborhood.” That’s when I realized that it was a terrible idea and an even more terrible introductory line. I died a little bit inside. So did she. I could feel it.
– Made some etc correspondence
– Took my vitamins
– Twiddled my thumbs

See? Just because you have to do laundry, doesn’t mean you can’t be productive at the same time! What are you afraid of? Nobody wants to steal your dirty-ass clothes. Get over yourself.

– Something happened last weekend that I’m sure everyone noticed but probably failed to put into words. All around the city, it had appeared as if it had just stopped raining. But it never rained. Every subway station appeared to had just been power washed. But they’re still dirty as hell. The city was sweating and it created an atmosphere that I had never seen before. It wasn’t exactly humid out, but it wasn’t totally cold. The temperature could only be described as “weird”. You’d be walking around and hit a sudden wave of cold air. The way the cold air hit your nostrils was reminiscent of a dank basement. Everything smelled faintly moldy but not toxic. If it ever happens again, Old Spice could make major bank off of selling the city an anti-perspirant treatment.

– Beverages fascinate the shit out of me. If they don’t fascinate you, you’re doing something wrong. The thing that I find most interesting about them is the different tastes that occur from having the beverage in a different receptacle. For example:

The Top 5 Receptacles for Coca-Cola:

5) Bowl
4) Plastic bottle
3) Fountain Cup
2) Glass bottle
1) Can

In fact, everything is better in a can. Even shirts. Once upon a time, I had a friend that worked at Vimeo. Like any good friend that wanted to brag about his job would, he gave us a tour of the office. The only thing that stuck out in my mind was that they had access to Gatorade in a can. It blew my mind. I had to re-think my path in life. For hours, days, weeks, months and years after that, the only thing I could ever say about Vimeo is that they serve employees Gatorade in a can. For example:

“There’s this video on Vimeo that you have to see.”
“They serve Gatorade in a can!”

“Wow, you had a friend that used to work for Vimeo?”
“Yeah, and they had Gatorade in a can!”

“Troy, put some pants on.”
“GATORADE IN A MOTHERFUCKING CAAAAAAAANNNNNN!”

Despite my shock and awe, I had never tried Gatorade in a can. That is, until recently, when Santa Zook brought me a case of the stuff. And I have to say, it beats the pants off of Gatorade in a plastic bottle. But it’s still nothing like the old glass bottles. BRING BACK GLASS GATORADE!

– I keep having a dream that I’m traveling to Ohio. I never have any reason to go to Ohio, but I always end up there. And for some reason, I’m taking the F train there. It probably has something to do with my needless overuse of the F line. It probably also has something to do with it’s orange bullet equating to Cleveland Brown Orange. Or maybe the fact that it’s the F train is arbitrary and it’s just my subconscious telling me that I’m going to end up in Ohio soon. I really don’t want to go to Ohio, especially if it’s anything like the Ohio in my dreams. Let’s hope there’s no meaning behind it.

– New Years Eve is overrated when you’re broke. If you have money, then it’s cool.

– Try this trick over the weekend: Go up to a stranger standing at an intersection, reach for his/her face and pretend to steal his/her nose. If they don’t punch you, that means you’ll find true love in 62 days!

Enjoy the last weekend of 2013 before it enjoys you.

-TeeCoZee