Marshawn Lynch Gets A Taste Of His Own Rainbow, Prefers The Decor [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 16]
It’s that time of year again. They call it Christmas. You can tell by the annoying colored lights and falling snow on every Fox scoreboard. They should only give so much corner space for the scoreboard. Adding distracting moving graphics to it only makes things worse. I caught myself zoning out on it multiple times. I know I’m not the only one that has a problem with this. That’s the NFL showing holiday spirit, I guess. Have all the cheerleaders dress up as Santa and incorporate a holiday twist on the logos. I’m kind of surprised that the Redskins didn’t jump the racist shark with holiday doctoring this year. A santa hat would look so much better than their mascot’s headdress. GET IN THE HOLIDAY SPIRIT, BRUCE ALLEN!!!
Denver Broncos 37, Houston Texans 13
The Texans got cute by the end of the year. First, Gary Kubiak has a stroke. Then he “recovers” and continues to make even worse decisions for the team and for himself. So he gets fired in favor of interim coach, Wade Phillips, who is just as incompetent and stroke-prone. So Matt Schaub & friends continue to flail around the field like they’re a bunch of lost handicapped children without their purple elephant guardian, who allegedly flew away 20 hours ago in favor of greener pastures and a greener paycheck. The end result? Cuteness.
St Louis Rams 23, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 13
I know I’ve been really good this year, you don’t need to worry about that. Did you hear about that box of puppies that I saved from the flooded basement? No? Eh, nobody pays attention to soft news anymore. But there’s something I could really use for Christmas this year and all my kids tell me that you’re the one to ask, so here it goes. Santa, my team is really good. Like really, really good. I feel that we have a lot of strong talent [maybe almost too strong?], but we can’t seem to come up with many wins. I feel like it’s our bad reputation that brings us down. Like, as if we score as many points as we can, but it’s never enough because of our history of losing games. That’s why for Christmas, the only thing I want is a winning season. That would make me the happiest boy on the planet.
P.S. You can also send me Kurt Warner. I like the cut of his jib!
Cincinnati Bengals 42, Minnesota Vikings 14
Well, that looked like a whole lot of fun. It’s exactly what the team doctor ordered. Knowing that they were going to limp into the playoffs, the Bengals sorely needed to stop a permanent mudhole into some chump’s bootyhole. But they still don’t seem ready for the playoffs. The postseason is going to be very lopsided this year, with quite a few teams that won’t stand a chance [See: Colts, Bengals, Cowboys/Eagles, Packers/Bears, 49ers/Cardinals, Dolphins/Chargers/Steelers/Ravens]. It’s an open invitation to get humiliated in front of a global audience. Point differentials are going to coincide with temperatures. It’ll be brutal and hilarious. Can’t wait.
Buffalo Bills 19, Miami Dolphins 0
What discourages me the most is that even though they got shut out by the Bills [THE BILLS], the Fins are still well and alive in the playoff picture. That doesn’t even seem fair. They’re not a good team, they’re not entertaining to watch, how in the hell do they have a winning record? That’s like giving Geno Smith rookie of the year honors [or the Jets going to the playoffs]. And if they actually do make it, you know they’ll be the talk of the town. Every commentator from Bristol to Boise City is going to be fap fap fapping to the tune of Bullygate™ and how the Dolphins were able to overcome such a scandal. They went from being a .500 team to a cool .571! HOW DID THEY OVERCOME SUCH ODDS?!?!?!?
Pittsburgh Steelers 38, Green Bay Packers 31
This game was just plaid odd. First off, Lambeau Field looked like something I had never seen before. It was as brown as it could get. It looked like the field in Madden ’95 when you select rainy weather. Here’s the comparison:
Dead ringer, amirite?!? In any event, the Packers had a [close, but] strong 21-17 lead when D-Millions and I started gazing at my Subway map. Back in ’74, the E train used to terminate with the F at 179th St and the J had a completely different terminal that no longer exists. This changed on December 11, 1988 when the E veered off the F route after Briarwood-Van Wyck, to a new station, Jamaica-Van Wyck. It then continued to connect with 2 other stations that were built to be last terminating stations for the J/Z trains, including Sutphin Blvd-Archer Ave [which features convenient connections to the Long Island Railroad and [eventually] the JFK Airtrain]. A couple of other things that changed was the terminal switch of the B and C trains and the building of the 63rd st tunnel, which alleviated congestion for the F and E trains, vital to making the MTA what it is today. By the time I explained all of this, the Steelers commanded a 31-21 lead, Matt Flynn died a little inside and we could’ve cared less.
Indianapolis Colts 23, Kansas City Chiefs 7
I think Andy Reid might’ve duped all of us. We might had been too busy glazing our eyes and monotonically chanting “ooh” and “aah” at the hypnotizing moves of Jamaal Charles and Dexter McCluster to realize that his game plan is based solely on Alex Smith throwing shovel passes. It might’ve worked, but now I feel a little dirty with that information. I’m not saying that the Chiefs are all hype, but let’s see how much steam they end up having in the upcoming weeks.
Dallas Cowboys 24, Washington Redskins 23
I don’t care what anyone says. Somebody needs to sign Kirk Cousins in the offseason and give him the confidence and paycheck that he deserves. Teams shouldn’t be drafting up QBs for next year. There’s a good handful of promise lurking the NFL benches. Kirk Cousins, Matt Flynn,
Nick Foles Michael Vick, Ryan Mallett and Josh McCown all deserve chances to start an NFL team. They’re all waiting to revitalize any failing franchise with a tiresome franchiser. And from the looks of it, there’s plenty of them!
Also, congratulations goes to Tony Romo. He didn’t fuck it up. Bravo.
Carolina Panthers 17, New Orleans Saints 13
It’s truly a different year in the NFL. To think that these two teams [which had been historically offensive-orientated] could produce a bona fide “slobberknocker” is perplexing. I could also dare to say that this game was Boring™. But it’s Brees vs Newton! How in the hell was it not a shootout?!? I’ll answer myself here: Both of these teams have improved leaps and bounds since last season, adding multiple dimensions to their defense seemingly overnight. Which is kind of exciting. I’ve got nothing but love for both of these franchises. Ron Rivera is a smooth operator [or I only like him because he was in San Diego during the golden years] and Rob Ryan is the only likable Ryan. If the Panthers can snag the #1 seed, we’ll be seeing these two square off in 3 weeks. I guarandamntee it. And it’ll end 2-0 after 3 overtimes. Cam Newtown didn’t know you could lose by running backwards.
New York Giants 23, Detroit Lions 20 [OT]
What more can I say? They weren’t playing like a team that wanted to make the playoffs. That’s it. Eli gave the defense unlimited credits on the last drive, but the defense walked away from the machine. Watch the last drive. A turnover could’ve occurred on EVERY PLAY! Even when they got turnovers, there was no capitalizing. It would’ve been nice to see them in the postseason, but there’s no use being mad when they don’t deserve it. That’s the thing about fandom. A lot of it has to do with tough love. And Detroit fans should have no problem expressing that…
New England Patriots 41, Baltimore Ravens 7
In speaking of not wanting to make the playoffs, good god. The Madden Curse™ is dead. We are now in the age of the Super Bowl Curse. So you’ve just won the Super Bowl? Congratulations. Now, good luck making the playoffs next year! This plays out perfectly in my head, as I can picture John Harbaugh and Tommy Coughs going on a resentful night on the town, beating up hookers, crying during lapdances and doing lines of blow off the deep fryer at McDonalds. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR SELLING YOUR SOUL!
San Diego Chargers 26, Oakland Raiders 13
Cool! Now all we need for a playoff berth is for every single team to lose! I mean, hey, the Chargers have limped into the playoffs under much more dire circumstances. Like in 2008 when the Chargers had to win their last 3 and the Broncos had to lose them. That was just the pure December magic of Phillip Rivers. The dude is 29-6 in the last month of the year. Jay Cutler has the kind of magic that makes kids cry. He’s 12-21 in December. Yes, I took the time to look it up and count. I kind of wonder how Jay Cutler’s doing now…
Philadelphia Eagles 54, Chicago Bears 11
Arizona Cardinals 17, Seattle Seahawks 10
Wait, give me a second.
For the first time in his professional career, Russell Wilson has lost a game at home. This comes as the biggest relief since Matt Millen decided to return to broadcasting. Even with 12 players on the field, the Seahawks are still fallible. This glorious fact sparks new life into the playoffs. Hearing that the Seahawks lost at home is akin to hearing the following news:
– The growth is benign
– That girl over there wants to have sex with you
– Theres still a beer left
– You don’t have to move
– School’s cancelled
– Burger King is on fire
– You should consider opening another bank account
– Don’t worry, that guy works for you
– You now have diplomatic immunity
– Everybody you have ever hated is now dead, thanks to science
You get the idea. I’ve been basing all of my playoff predictions off the fact that Russ Wils doesn’t lose at home. Now that the fact is false, anything is possible. Maybe they’ll lose out in the Divisional Round! Wouldn’t that be nice?!?!? Hehehehehehehehehehehehohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho! How does that sound, Jim Harbaugh?
IT’S A CHRISTMAS FUCKING MIRACLE!!!!
Join me next week when I curse Santa Claus for only giving me a Clay Matthews Fathead® for Christmas.