I’d Rather Poop On Her HD-DVDs [Friday Thoughts With TeeCoZee]

Good morning, but a much better night. It’s Friday, December 20, Two Thousand and Thirteen. The weather in Brooklyn is 49˚ & partly cloudy and somewhere, a kid is breaking into his parent’s closet only to find out that he didn’t get jack shit for Christmas. Because that’s what happens when you snoop! [#santaclausisaninsidejob]

– My face is getting larger by the day. This doesn’t make any sense, as I barely eat anything. On some days I might eat 2 meals, but most of the time, I limit myself to one. Why is this, you ask? Because I have 25 pounds of holiday goods that I somehow need to dispose of! My breakfast yesterday was 2 Christmas cookies and a handfull of chex mix. Today, it was a slice of pizza that I essentially HAD TO eat before it goes bad. I would’ve ate it last night, but I had one cookie after work and felt like total trash. So this is why people hate the holidays. I get it now. It’s not that you overeat during the holidays, it’s that you eat things that you shouldn’t and then guilt yourself into starving!

– On the other hand, a word of advice: If you’re going to pick up running, don’t start in the Winter. It’s difficult. You’ve been warned.

– The Top 5 Disappointments Of 2013:

5) The MLB Postseason
4) “Afraid Of Heights”, by Wavves
3) My love life
2) That one time when I thought something was going to be cool and then it wasn’t
1) Hurricane Season

– I was kind of in the mood to go on a firing spree. But even if they’re completely justified, am I really heartless enough to do it right before Christmas? No, I’m not. This is why I’m not paid to fire people, nor do I have the authority to. Phew. That was a freebie.

– I spent way too much time thinking about it this week, but I think I came up with a guide on the appropriate method of breaking up with somebody, based on how many dates have occurred.

1 Date = Don’t call them or respond to texts
2 Dates = Make cryptic responses to texts days later, cancel every future plan at the last minute until the person give up
3 Dates = Cool to break up via text
4 Dates = Break up via carrier pigeon
5 Dates = Suddenly dating somebody else on Facebook
6 Dates = Break up via phone call
7 Dates = Break up via fake love interest interrupting date
8 Dates = Suddenly doing the opposite of what you know the person likes about you
9 Dates = Taking a dump on his/her favorite HD-DVD
10 Dates = Doing it face-to-face, like a real, rational human being

– I spent most of the week with half of a ceiling, which is stupid. Even stupider, when I got a full ceiling again, it still leaked. So I guess bring on the 3rd ceiling?

– The prior thought was not a metaphor. As we speak, some nimrod is re-installing the ceiling and will probably half-ass it again.

– I just want my living room back. I spent 3 hours last night playing with a tape measurer. Zook’s item of choice was a can opener. We started a band. Wait, no we didn’t.

– I don’t know what ended up being more surprising: The amount of Right-Wing Facebook Friends that I need to delete off my news feed or the fact that A&E is still a channel.

– Some days I look in the mirror and decide that I don’t look good. Actually, this happens a lot. I’m just not attracted to myself. 26 years of being hetero has taken a severe toll on my self-esteem.

– You’re all going to be starting your holiday weekend today. With that in mind, I hate your guts. Not only do I have to work through the holidays, but with the exception of the 2 eves, business is going to be slower than the Post Office. I’m going to have to make up things to do. Maybe I’ll build a new desk. Or formulate a new idea that saves the company. The company doesn’t even need saving and I’m still willing to save the shit out of it!

– Sometimes, I like to stand at a slightly higher elevation [like 3 feet] and watch the Holland Tunnel traffic. It’s basically looking down at humanity at its lowest. When they start honking their horns, I start waving my arms. Occasionally, someone will walk by and inquire what I’m doing. I always tell them, “I’m conducting the horn ensemble”. I’m getting too used to watching traffic.

– Try this exercise over the weekend: Close your eyes. Think of the one toy that you always wanted, but never got. Maybe it was too expensive or your parents thought you would use it once and be done with it. But every year, it was on your list. Think hard about the heartbreak you would endure every Christmas morning to not find it under the tree. Think about the built-up resentment you have for Santa Claus for always burning you. Now open your eyes. You can now buy that toy for yourself. Oh what, you don’t want it anymore? Of course you don’t. There’s no satisfaction in that. Also, toys are stupid and pointless, dummy! Now go pour yourself a Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout and add a little big of Eggnog as creamer. You’ll feel better.

Have a noggy weekend and an even noggier Christmas!