Snow Angels For Everybody! [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 14]

Check it out, guys! Winter is here! Suddenly, football takes on a whole new meaning. With a storm pattern affecting most of the nation, we were treated to a plethora of snow games. It was one of those magical things that only enhances the game you’re watching. A fumble-ridden limpfest is much more entertaining WHEN THE WHOLE DAMN FIELD IS WHITE! There’s just so much satisfaction in seeing this game be played in the elements. Kind of like whipping donuts in a parking lot. Or in your neighbors yard. Or the middle of the expressway. DANGER IS FUN!

Baltimore Ravens 29, Minnesota Vikings 26
I wish words existed that would properly explicate the electricity this game exuded. There wasn’t any specifically amazing performances by any individual. Joe Flacco threw 3 picks, Jacoby Jones gobbled up 151 return yards and Matt Cassel almost completed half of his passes, all very normal stats. Actually, most of the game was quite normal. It was a mild snow game, one that would only stick out in your consciousness only if it were the only snow game of the day, and even then, it’d be forgettable. With 2:07 left to play, the Vikings were clinging on to a modest 12-7 lead. That’s when the unthinkable happened. The players were cold, tired and sore. The dilapidated field in front of them represented nothing of the style and poise of professional sports. Instead, the snow and ice-filled deathtrap looked more like the backyard they grew up in. Suddenly, everybody’s a kid again, playing a pick-up game with the other neighbors. Contracts didn’t matter, nor did endorsements, highlight reels, press conferences or scandals. They are playing the game for the sole purpose of having fun and avoiding dinner.

With 2:07 left, Dennis Pitta catches a short pass for a touchdown.

22 seconds later, Toby Gerhart rushes for a 41 yard touchdown.

Jacoby Jones takes the ensuing kickoff all the way to the house.

26 seconds later, Codarelle Patterson catches a 76 yard connection from Matt Cassel.

Then, with only 45 seconds left, Flacco drove down the field for the game-winning touchdown.

In 2 minutes and 7 seconds, 36 points were scored. It’s a statistic that transcends professional sports itself. We know that it’s been a hard season on all of us. In fact, there’s been many moments where I’ve felt ashamed to be a fan, ashamed to be dedicated my time to poor performances from even worse human beings. But if this game didn’t give you goosebumps and remind you why you’ve loved the game in the first place, then you have no soul. Period.

Miami Dolphins 34, Pittsburgh Steelers 28
Fumbling the football after running into your teammate’s ass is one thing. Fumbling the football off of your own ass falls into the same category. They’re innocent gestures of physical comedy that are best accompanied by a kazoo and a slide whistle [you can probably throw some springs and blow horns in there too, if you want to get buckwild]. But some of the techniques I’ve seen players do lately can likely be defined as straight-up sexual assault. Last week, Vernon Davis got tackled to the ground with his dick. HIS DICK! T.J. McDonald grabbed his dick, clenched it, and used whatever force he had with the combination of excruciating pain that occurs when you get your dick choked to get him down on the ground. Not. Cool. At. All. Fast-forward to this game, and you have Randy Starks recovering a fumble. The play is clearly dead, but Cody Wallace decides to try and get the ball back anyway. But instead of using the traditional method of prying via the player’s side, he goes right for the taint. To be honest, it doesn’t even look like he’s trying to get the ball. He just wants to grab that guy’s taint. And I guess now we all know the best way to make Randy Starks ticklish. Go straight for the taint and hope for giggles. I don’t know what I’m more pissed off about: The Dolphins staying alive in the playoff picture or being forced to learn where a lineman’s G-Spot is.

Green Bay Packers 22, Atlanta Falcons 21
Well, it’s about fucking time! With the absence of A-Rodge, it appears as though the NFL [minus the Lions] has taken pity on the hapless Packers. Week after week, their ho-hum opponents have outright dared the Packers to beat them. Their opponents may play superior on both sides of the ball, but they’ll keep the score close so that the Packers could pull an upset out of their asses. Even the Vikings went as far as refusing to score in overtime, just to give them the pity win. Instead, the Packers kept the game tied. They’re too modest to take handouts. Truth be told, Matt Flynn may not be a great quarterback [regardless of how much I may hype him up], but he played a hell of a lot better than Matt Ryan. Throwing 24/32 is not bad at all for a 4th-stringer. A lot of credit would also go to the Packer’s defense, which shut out the Falcons in the 2nd half. But really, the Falcons shut out the Falcons in the 2nd half. The 2013 Falcons will go down as one of those freakishly terrible and talented teams that, when eliminated from the playoffs, work towards keeping other playoff dreams alive instead of playing The Spoiler. They’re doing a community service to the NFL. FREE WINS FOR EVERYBODY!

Kansas City Chiefs 45, Washington Redskins 10
In speaking of free wins, how in the hell are the Chiefs and Redskins in the same league? These are…professionals…right? At one point, Kevin Harlan expressed that the Skins were playing “The worst special teams I have ever seen in my life”. I thought that was an exaggeration, but then the game continued. The Chiefs return team accounted for 300 yards. That’s 34 yards per return. That’s more yards than Washington’s offense. Skins fans might complain that it was snowing and it threw everyone off. BUT THEY WERE AT HOME! AND THEY PLAY IN A CITY THAT GETS SNOW! Mike Shanahan is on a suicide mission. It’s basically the plot of The Producers, with RGIII reprising the role of Hitler. Maybe he thought RGIII was going to implode last season, but then they suddenly became a playoff team. So instead of retiring in order to pursue his lifelong dream of doing nothing but grabbing asses all day, Mike had to give it one more season. A season so terrible that no team would ever want to hire him again, let alone mention his name. That is, until next season, when the Bucs front office kidnaps him and enslaves him as their coach so the team can lose out and move to London. Which would then turn into a mash-up of Major League and Celtic Pride. Hilarity ensues. Only in a theater near you.

New England Patriots 27, Cleveland Browns 26
“The Patriots are totally gonna win this game”
“I mean, I think the Browns are going to win, but the Patriots are totally gonna win this game”
“Yeah, the Browns could win, but the Patriots are totally gonna win, I mean, come on!”
[Halftime: Browns 6, Patriots 0]
“I mean they’re being shutout”
“The Brown’s D has been really good this year”
“I LOVE the Brown’s D!”
“Patriots are still gonna win”
[4 minutes later]
“Oh man, Gronkowski isn’t coming back”
“Yeah, he doesn’t look too good”
“The Pats are fucked”
“Yeah, but they’re still gonna win.”
[3rd Quarter: Browns 19, Patriots 3]
“Dude, Josh Gordon is so fuckin’ sick!”
“Oh man! I think the Browns might take this one!”
“Patriots are still gonna win”
[2:43 left in the game, Browns 26, Patriots 14]
“I don’t know, maybe the Browns will win.”
“No, they’re not.”
“You’re right. Patriots totally got this”
[Final score: Browns 26, Patriots 27]
“Wait, how in the hell did that happen?”
“Who cares? It’s the Patriots. Of course they were gonna win”
“Yeah, but I don’t rememb–”
“Exactly. We’ve all been programmed to not remember how the Patriots miraculously win, but rather just always expect them to win, regardless of the circumstances.”
“That’s the spirit!”

Philadelphia Eagles 34, Detroit Lions 20
Of all the snow games, the one was by far the snowiest. At points, the accumulation appeared to be up to their shins. The result: a beautiful, sloppy and beautifully sloppy game of football. Most of the game was spent scrapping for points, until the Lions just couldn’t keep up with LeSean McCoy. 217 rushing yards in a blizzard? Yeah, the Eagles deserved to win. Maybe it’ll be different if they end up facing each other in January. I’m just surprised that people were actually able to read Chip Kelly’s signs.

Denver Broncos 51, Tennessee Titans 28
I’m of the opinion that any record broken in Mile High Stadium should have an asterisk next to it. Like this one:

I mean, yeah, it’s pretty awesome. 64 yards has technically never been done before. But if it wasn’t at such a high altitude, it’d be a lot more special. There has been 4 NFL kickers to do a 63 yard field goal. Two of those field goals were made in Denver, at an elevation of 5,280 ft above sea level. With that in mind, the kicks made by David Akers and Tom Dempsey should be deemed a lot more special. Akers kicked his 63-yarder at Lambeau field, at an elevation of only 640 feet. Even better, Tom Dempsey accomplished this at Tulane Stadium, an elevation essentially at sea level and WITH HALF OF A RIGHT FOOT! And that field goal also won the game as time expired. Matt Prater, you may have 1 yard on every other kicker in history, but your record will be broken sooner rather than later. Hell, after the Alabama-Auburn game, every team is taking shots at ridiculously long field goals. It’s only a matter of time before someone is immortalized for a 70+ yard dinger. The sun will still set and Matt Prater will continue to be Matt Prater.

On a side note, it was kind of annoying to watch this game on NFL Redzone. Every 5 minutes, it would just cut to the Broncos magically appearing to the goal line. It’s like dozing in and out while your friends play Madden.

San Diego Chargers 37, New York Giants 13
Alright, guys, we can relax now. The Giants are officially done for the season. I was just as scared as all of you when they decided to start winning games. The idea of going 0-6 and still making the playoffs seemed preposterous enough to actually happen. And the Giants would’ve been a perfect team to do so, as a franchise built around sucking out until the last possible moment. But it’s over. America won, and somehow, the Chargers are still alive in the playoff race. This would be a good time to mention how cute I think the playoff bracket is this year. In the AFC, there are still 4 teams in the hunt: the Chargers, Dolphins, Jets and Titans. With the exception for the Colts [who clinched the division this week, despite being awful], there is no doubt that any of the playoff teams would crush the 6th seed within an inch of their lives. It’s like winning a contest to go on American Gladiators. You have no chance at winning, but hell, at least YOU’RE ON TV™!!!!!

San Francisco 49ers 19, Seattle Seahawks 17
I couldn’t tell you how in the hell the Seahawks got neutralized, but whatever, it happened. The Niners were able to hold Seattle’s “Is It A Bomb Or A Weather Balloon?” offense to a mere 278 yards, while their offense was limpy enough to limp in enough points for the win. All in all, the game was a snoozer. It was one that I felt like I’ve seen a million times before. I’m just kind of sick of watching the 49ers. They rely so heavily on keeping the game close and low-scoring. Even if they clearly have the advantage, Jim Harbaugh is polite enough to keep the game close. Awfully nice of him, but I want some action, damnit!

Also, if the Seahawks get home-field advantage, there’s no reason why they wouldn’t win the Super Bowl. You might as well just be ready for it. It makes the process less painful.

New Orleans Saints 31, Carolina Panthers 13
It kind of went under everyone’s radar, but one can’t deny that Drew Brees could possibly be one of the best quarterbacks that we’ll ever see. He hardly gets mentioned in the same sentence as Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, but he has been consistent since the day he started. Try to name 2 quarterbacks that sat on the bench for him. Phillip Rivers is a freebie, but other than that, you can’t name one. The guy stays healthy and he hardly ever falters. He’s also been blessed with one of the best offensive lines in the game, as he always has an infinite amount of time to look around the field and make a calculated decision before throwing the ball. Sure, the Saints looked awful in the last couple of weeks, but this game was their redemption. I want to see the Saints go all the way, just so maybe Drew Brees can get 100% of the credit he deserves.

Join me next week when a random Jaguars defense gets caught using a buttplug, Mike Shanahan performs a sacrifice for the god of Kirk Cousins and Stretching The Balls becomes the next big touchdown dance!