Peyton Manning Becomes The Turkey [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 12]

With everything about this wacky season still up in the air/for grabs, it seems like the perfect time to experiment with my yearly “To The Point” Roundup. You may know the rules by now: While covering a game, I can only write one word per point scored in said game. [Ex. If the score is 30-27, I can only write 57 words about it]

This week was actually engrossing, despite of the poorly made matchups. I spent most of the afternoon screaming at the TV, which is a good way to confirm that I’m being entertained. But with the exhaustion of Holiday Retail™ and the un-welcome visitation of my good friend/worst enemy, Shamrock, I just don’t have the time to cover the games properly. So as I go easy on myself, I can go easy on you. Please enjoy what will surely be The Shortest Roundup Ever!

New Orleans Saints 17, Atlanta Falcons 13
Out of fear of being clotheslined, Drew Brees gave a modest performance. Jimmy Graham bent the goalpost, but it didn’t matter, as it was Thursday night and nobody was watching.

St Louis Rams 42, Chicago Bears 21
If the NFC West wasn’t completely stacked, the 5-6 Rams would be looking playoff-bound. Instead, they’re just one of the best spoiler teams in the NFL. This team has been firing full-throttle/high-voltage/razmamotherfuckingtaz with rookie phenoms, Zac Stacy and Tavon Austin. Also, their red zone defense is The Greatest Show On Turf [II]. It’s the shit that nightmares are made of. Preach.

Pittsburgh Steelers 27, Cleveland Browns 11
I really need to stop picking the Brian Hoyer-less Browns to win. Gambling on them is a bigger waste of money than playing Smash TV alone at the arcade. YOU KNOW YOU NEED A PARTNER, WHY EVEN TRY?!?!?

Carolina Panthers 20, Miami Dolphins 16
Riding on the coattails of a 6-game winning streak, Cam Newton thought he was hot shit. He played possum, so he’d look cool when he came up with the win. People tuned out. Who’s Cam Newton?

San Diego Chargers 41, Kansas City Chiefs 38
I don’t think anybody could belee the outcome of this game. For once in his god-forsaken, baby-making life, Phillip Rivers was finally able to maintain a sense of consistency. The lead changed 9 times in the game, with 4 of those in the 4th quarter. It was one of those games where you sit on the edge of your couch, growling, hissing and not even trying to say anything comprehendible. And with 1:17 left, Phil only needed 0:46. Remarkablastique.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24, Detroit Lions 21
Top 5 Things That Could Have Been On Calvin Johnson’s Hands While He Dropped The Pass That Could’ve Won The Game But Instead Was Bounced Into The Opponent’s Honey Hole:
5) Lube
4) Motor Oil
3) Travolta Grease
2) Milk Of Magnesia
1) Glove Soap

Regardless of product, it sucked.

Green Bay Packers 26, Minnesota Vikings 26
MATT FLYNN! MATT MOTHERFUCKING FLYNN! MATT FLYYYYNNNNNN! For those who don’t know, Matt Flynn holds the Packer’s single-game passing record. Since then, he’s been passed around like a $10 brownie. Becoming sick of the ineptitude of Seneca Wallace Scott Tolzien, Mike McCarthy called for the Flynn guns. Result? He got lucky. Tie game. IMPROVEMENT!

Baltimore Ravens 19, New York Ets 3
NBA pundits/disciples might be surprised that the Nets are off to a slow start. I don’t know, I haven’t looked it up.

Tennessee Titans 23, Oakland Raiders 19
Everyone [players included] kinda chuckled after realizing that this game has playoff implications. With this win, the 5-6 Titans are now one of 6 teams that are clawing at eachother for the 2nd Wild Card slot. Problem is that nobody deserves it.

Jacksonville Jaguars 13, Houston Texans 6
At this point, I don’t know if anyone can explain the Texan’s ineptitude. It’s just flailing of epic proportions.

Arizona Cardinals 40, Indianapolis Colts 11
I hate that going to NFL.com means having to press the mute button. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the front page or page not found, a loud video always plays against my will. And how in the fuck do I have 221 RewardCoins?!? From watching videos?!? Shit’s for the birds.

Dallas Cowboys 24, New York Giants 21
Our great nation agrees that it feels good to be a Giants-hater. Whenever they’re on the verge of turning their season around, all of America rallies for the closest spoiler team to crush those hopes and dreams while defecating on their respective mothers. Go Cowboys!

New England Patriots 34, Denver Broncos 31 [OT]
I saw that the Broncos were up 24-0 as confirmation that going on a blind date was a good idea. And she was quite splendid, truth be told. I got home after midnight and turned on the tube only to see the winning field goal and Al Michaels chanting, “We’ll be talking about this game for a long time!” If only life had a laughtrack.

San Francisco 49ers 27, Washington Redskins 6
Shanahan claims that RGIII keeps getting better and better. How can you lie like that when you don’t have an offensive line to protect him? He was tackled 21 times! SOMEBODY HELP HIM!

Join me next week, when a punch-drunk RGIII sets his uniform on fire, Tony Dungee gets eaten by a turkey and Brett Favre takes off his Matt Flynn mask!

-TeeCoZee