In Case Of Bearnado, Go For The Honey Hole [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 11]

I was counting down the hours all week. The lineup for Week 11 was one not to be flexed with. Every matchup appeared to be stellar. Even the shitty teams were playing against equal rivals. Everything was in place, I was ready to watch 10 hours of football, when suddenly, it started raining. And it rained all across America. One thing you don’t realize in perfect weather is when a domed team goes on the road. This week, there was only a handfull of domed games when a lot of teams wished they had one. The weather didn’t exactly rain on everyone’s parade, but it sure as hell dampened a lot of action.

But enough about the weather. Let’s get to…

Buffalo Bills 37, New York Ets 14
…The Jets?!? Ewwwwwww!

Oh, the duality of Geno Smith. On some days, we want to get on our knees and grovel at the rookie sensation just for the sake of having a rookie sensation in our lives. And then some days, he goes out and does nothing. I’m just glad to be a professional Jets hater. 8/23 with 3 interceptions and a fumble? Damn good day to be a Jets hater. Even though the Bills scored 37 points, they only had 313 yards of total offense. This win is dedicated to Geno Smith and his ability to give opponents favorable field position. Every time NFL Redzone showed this game, the Bills were magically knocking on the door for another touchdown. Of course, it couldn’t had been the prowess of EJ Manuel. 3/4 turnovers resulted in points. 2/3 Jets would rather live at Dave & Busters. 1/2 Jets are convinced that their head coach is an impostor and the real Rex Ryan is living in Myanmar. 0/1 Bills realized that they beat a “playoff contender”.

Philadelphia Eagles 24, Washington Skins 16
Would the nation be more sympathetic if the Redskins changed their mascot to a potato? After further research, I discovered that this joke has been made a million times before. But on the other side of the coin, shouldn’t the name Redskin Potato be changed? It not like we call Russett Potatoes “Brownskin Potatoes”, Creamer Potatoes “Yellowskin Potatoes” or Sweet Potatoes “New Jersian Potatoes”. It’s a double standard, people!

In speaking of food, I caught Chip Kelly calling the Philly Cheesesteak Play. It resulted in RGIII being stripped of the ball. So a word of advice to any opponent trying to decode Chip’s playcards: Cheesesteak = Fumble.

Chicago Bears 23, Baltimore Ravens 20 [OT]
It could’ve been everyone’s greatest action fantasy come true. The Windy City® had been de-winded, if only just for a moment. The wind was so non-existent that it seemed to create an anti-wind. It was a vortex that allowed Justin Tucker to boot in a 52 yard field goal to give the Ravens a 10-0 lead. That’s when all hell broke loose, as the improbable field goal displeased The Football Gods™. The sky opened up and an ominous voice told everyone to seek shelter, as the players stood on the sideline, shrugging. When they found out that the looming cloud over the stadium was actually a tornado. I leaped out of my chair, as I knew the REAL action was about to happen! But unfortunately, it was just a 2 hour game delay. Nothing cool happened. There were no flying gatorade coolers. The goal posts remained intact. Bill Paxton didn’t come out of nowhere and suckerpunch a cow. There were no sharks in the tornado, hungry to bite off the heads of any unsuspecting Chicagoan snacking on a raw beef hoagie with Au Jus on the side [but if it did happen, the shark would have no use for the sauce, or the bread for that matter]. Instead, there was just 2 hours of silence with an intermittent shot of John Harbaugh being motorboated by a wind gust and chuckling like an altar boy. What a bunch of horseshit. I wanted something cool, but instead we got a scrappy ass football game, filled with scrappy players trying hard to scrap for whatever measly yards they can muster. It almost makes you wonder how the Ravens won a Super Bowl last year. It also makes you wonder why Chicagoans dress like a bunch of fucktards. It makes you wonder, “Hey guys, where’s Jay Cutler? Last time I saw him, he was on the sid–oh, fuck, nevermind”.

Oakland Raiders 28, Houston Texans 23
I’m assuming that having a mini-stroke entails short term memory loss. Gary Kubiak made his triumphant return to coach the Texans. But this time, he decided to run a throwback team. Welcome to 2012, motherfuckers! We’ve got Matt Schaub passing all day and all night to Andre Johnson! Boom! Wait for it…wait for it…BOOM! COMPLETION! AND ANOTHER BOOM! ANOTHER COMPLETION! And then completions turned into incompletions and suddenly, everybody hates Matt Schaub again [as if they wanted him playing in the first place]. Kube’s time capsule experiment didn’t work, as Schaub failed to produce any touchdowns. Case Keenum had a couple of bad drives, I’ll give Kube’s that. But there is no excuse to sabotage the entire game because of it.

Pittsburgh Pirates Steelers 37, Detroit Lions 27
After a tough loss to a rag-tag team of bumble bees, here’s Robby Nast to pick up the pieces in “The Lions Den”:

You raise a really good point. That fake field goal might’ve cost them the game, no matter the outcome afterwards. Just pure sloppiness on Jim Schwartz’s end. But hell, they’re STILL the healthiest team in the NFC North!

Cincinnati Bengals 41, Cleveland Browns 20
Every week, the Bengals play football. Every week, I fail to spell Cincinnati correctly. It has gotten to the point that autocorrect has given up. I will never be able to spell it. Just like the Browns, always letting me down when I think they have it. Is it January yet?

Miami Dolphins 20, Sand Diego Chargers 16
This week, the Chargers developed a new strategy. They decided that getting an early lead and then squandering it in the final minutes was becoming too cliché. Their new gameplan goes as follows: Score first, fall behind, remain one possession behind at all times, lose the game, profit. Implementing this strategy is like causing a heart-ache instead of a heart-break. Less people die that way. Things are looking up in San Diego.

New York Giants 27, Green Bay Packers 13
I’m falling under the Packers’ spell. Without Aaron Rogers, they just seem so affable and cute. I can’t help but root for them, as I feel like I’m doing some sort of bullshit sacrifice to the Football Gods. It’s funny how things can change in two weeks. It wasn’t long ago when the Giants were winless and the Packers were NFC North shoe-ins. Now, with the roles reversed, I was the only numbskull in my office pick-em pool to have faith in the Packers. And of course it blew up in my face. In order for the Packers to be sustainable, they have to prove that they can win a game without Mr Discount Double Check. Somehow, this injury has exposed a weakness in the franchise that hasn’t been prevalent in the last 20+ years. It’s always a crapshoot when the franchise quarterback goes down. The 2008 Patriots finished 11-5 under the helm of Matt Cassel. When Joe Montana went down, the 1991 49ers still mustered up 10 wins. But when Peyton Manning needed surgery, the 2011 Colts laid over and died with a 2-14 season. That’s why Bill Belichick and George Seifert are legends and Jim Caldwell and Mike McCarthy are chumps. Church.

Seattle Seahawks 41, Minnesota Vikings 20
Especially in 2013, sports commentators can’t help but pick apart the teams that are on the downswing. They’re having a field day with it this year, with the likes of the Giants, Ravens, Texans, Packers, Redskins and Steelers falling from grace. But I never hear anybody talk about the Vikings. For being a playoff team last year, they’ve sunk so hard that nobody even seemed to notice. Finally, [I believe is was] Tim Ryan made a comment that could be interpeted as somebody trying to interpret what’s going on with the Vikings. They’re just…not tackling well? Yeah, that sounds right. People need to tackle in this sport. It’s a given. It’s the name of the game. So when a commentator tells me that the team isn’t tackling, well, I guess that explains everything. But then what’s the point of playing? Money? Fame? A six pack and a hundo? It’s probably to win, right? I don’t understand how a team can call themselves a team when they can’t perform the basic function of tackling. Thanks to Tim Ryan’s stunning analysis, I am even more confused about this sport.

New Orleans Saints 23, San Francisco 49ers 20
The only thing that I remember about this game is being excited to watch it. The rest is just a defensive blur. Since when did the Saints allow Rob Ryan to take over the entire team? He IS the head coach, right? Or is it Ben Stiller? THERE’S SO MANY THINGS I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE!

Denver Broncos 27, Kansas City Chiefs 17
CyboManning throws ball.
Ball goes far.
Far ball gets caught.
Cybo do good.
Kill, Cybo, kill.

Carolina Panthers 24, New England Patriots 20
New Englanders will be bitching about the last play for the rest of the season. Also, New Englanders have no right to bitch about the last play. A sub-par Tom Brady threw an interception in the endzone as time ran out and a flag was initially thrown for pass interference. After determining that the ball was not catchable by Gronkowski [which is true], the flag was picked up and the game was over. Nobody has any right to be mad about this, because it shouldn’t had come to it. At the start of the drive [3rd and 10 at the 20 to be exact], Tom Brady participated in some intentional grounding. How he was not flagged was well beyond my comprehension. He was right smack in the middle of the pocket when he threw the ball away at the last second. That would’ve made it 4th and 20, and although in the real 4th and 10, Brady connected to Gronkowski for 23 yards, it might not have been the same play call on a 4th and 20. What proceeded was a good handful of passes that were so poorly targeted that the Panthers defenders couldn’t even catch it. Watch the replay of that drive. There’s probably 4 or 5 potential interceptions. The 2013 version of The Tom Brady Miracle™ is a joke. It relies solely on dice-roll passes and drawing flags. If it was any other team, analysts would cry shenanigans. Because it’s Tom Brady and The Pats, the anti-strategy is easily disguised.

Join me next week when Tom Brady loses his left [non-throwing] pinky finger after a dice game gone wrong and Brett Favre realizes that he has an answering machine! WHODATHUNKIT!??

-TeeCoZee