Alex Smith Laughs All The Way To The Bank. The Blood Bank. [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 9]

Move over, concussions! Sayonara, staph infections! There’s a new problem in the NFL and it isn’t Rob Ryan’s BO. It’s a haunting issue that is known as “bullying” and it’s taking the league by storm. Apparently, teammates are sometimes not “nice” to each other. For example, Dolphins guard Richie Incognito reportedly bullied teammate Jonathan Martin. He called him names, left threatening voice mails, kids stuff. So Martin quit football with his tail between his legs and Richie has been suspended for the rest of the year.

Wait, what?

I’m as much of a hater of bullies as the next bullying survivor, but come the fugg on! Bullying? These are grown ass men playing the manliest sport and people are getting in trouble for bullying?!? I thought it was expected of them! It’s like drill sergeants yelling! It’s already been established a million times over that athletes are not polite people, nor should we expect them to be. Why is everyone so surprised when an athlete makes a racist remark or gives a teammate a hard time?!?!? And even Mike Ditka went on the record of saying that none of his teams have ever bullied each other. OH BULLSHIT! That’s like saying bounties don’t exist. OF COURSE THEY DO! IT’S FOOTBALL! Perhaps if we find out that Junior Seau killed himself because too many people were picking on him, then bullying can be a problem. Until then, these people just need to grow up…

Miami Dolphins 22, Cincinnati Bengals 20 [OT]
We’ve seen some stupid shit go down this season. Things that should never be repeated. Even the Jets have a winning record, that’s how stupid things have been. And now, we have this: an overtime game won via safety. A walkoff safety. The game was ended due to a scoring of two points. No glitz, no glamour, just a tackle in the endzone. Don’t need to worry about replays or icing, just hit the guy, make him fall down and the game is won. What the hell kind of sport are we watching, anyway? Tackleball? Don’t answer that. This happened once in 1989 and again in 2004. With a little luck, it may never happen again. What a terrible way for a game to end. I’d rather see a tie game. I’d rather see no game at all. I didn’t even watch the game and I still want my time back.

Tennessee Titans 28, St Louis Rams 21
The world wants to know who the fuck Zac Stacy is and why his name is missing some letters. Lucky for them, I’ve been following the guy, so here’s some life highlights:

– Zac was born from Stacey Stacy on April 9, 1991, in Centreville, a small town that is not in Central Alabama.
– At the tender age of 2, Zac tried his first Dr Pepper. He formed no opinion.
– When he was 4, he thought that he beat Sonic The Hedgehog, only to find out that he has to collect all the emeralds first.
– At the age of 7, he decided that he would never want to be in a position to purchase a purple car, citing them to be “too girly”.
– For his 8th birthday, he received a Tamagotchi Pet. This outshone all the other kids that were stuck with inferior Nano Pets.
– Shortly after that, Jessica Miller kissed him on the cheek. The pleasantness of the experience and the lack of evidence of infection made Zac realize that cooties don’t exist.
– At the age of 17, he realized that a form of cooties DOES exist.
– In high school, he was known for his football prowess and desire to not eat the cream filling in Oreos. They called him The Frosting King.
– He was voted class president, but was quickly overthrown after attempting to install a Ministry of Dental Hygiene.
– In college, he lost his job as a Blackjack dealer after an unfortunate incident.
– When he was 20, he learned that Santa Claus doesn’t exist and Miracle Whip is salad dressing. After learning this information, he attempted suicide and was in treatment for 6 whole days.
– When he was 23, he was drafted in the 5th round by the St Louis Rams, a team that would go on to play the first 8 games of the season without a rushing TD.
– On November 3, 2013, Zac Stacy broke that spell, scoring 2 touchdowns on 178 all-purpose yards.
– On November 4, 2013 at 1:12 AM, Zac Stacy got laid. It wasn’t his first time and won’t be his last, but it’s worth noting that it was exceptionally good.

New York Ets 26, New Orleans Saints 20
No. Just no.

Dallas Cowboys 27, Minnesota Vikings 23
It’s always educational when the NFL keeps a close eye on a specific player that’s been behaving badly. After his selfish tantrums last week, the officials and cameramen kept an extra close eye on Dez Bryant Sunday afternoon. At one point, Dez got tangled up with a defender during a pass that should’ve been deemed uncatchable. When a tangle like this occurs, usually it’s the receiver that gets the benefit while the defender usually ends up being penalized. But, because Dez has been a naughty boy, the penalty was called on him. Perplexed, he takes his helmet off. Apparently, that’s another penalty. A more severe penalty. Leave it to Dez Bryant to teach all of us that it’s illegal to take your helmet off on the field. Since when was that a rule? What if he had something really important to say? What if there was a bee in his helmet? Or worse, a spider? What if he somehow convinced himself that his head was bleeding and he desperately needed to find out if he was right or not, but also needed a second opinion from the ref who invariably threw another flag against him? I guess the helmet thing is a safety issue, but shit, the refs aren’t wearing helmets! It’s not like anyone’s allowed to hit him in between whistles. This helmet rule needs to change, or else every player is at dire risk of a mosquito attack.

Kansas City Chiefs 23, Buffalo Bills 13
Alex Smith continues to do a good job in duping all of America. He’s leading the only undefeated team in football and he’s doing so by not being a playmaker. His basic strategy is to not call attention to himself. He averages 10.2 yards per completion, which really doesn’t sound terrible. Of active NFL QBs his completion average surpasses Mike Glennon and nobody else. His average ranks 33rd in a league that has only 32 teams! His actual presence as a quarterback is invisible, but he’s still the face of this dominating team. He’s going to get a massive paycheck, because he’s doing exactly what Andy Reid hired him to do. Andy Reid has been seeking him out since his college days, knowing that one day he’d be able to utilize him. The guy never draws attention to himself because he never takes any risks. Put him in an offense with receivers that are able to run after the catch [see: Dwayne Bowe, Jamaal Charles, etc] and there can be a successful offense based on doing the bare minimum that wins games. Of course, it also helps that their defense is absolutely terrifying while still playing squeaky clean. Alex also doesn’t throw interceptions, a good perk of his lack of aggressiveness. In his 7 year career, he has averaged 8.375 interceptions per season. The two “Best QBs Of Our Generation”, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady, has averaged 13.44 and 9.92 interceptions per season respectively. If the Chiefs continue to succeed, this could start a whole new method of Quarterbacking. Just advance the ball slowly and don’t even be in the position to make a mistake. And also, have a ridiculous O-Line to protect your neck…

Carolina Panthers 34, Atlanta Falcons 10
I don’t know what’s more surprising: the dominance of the Panther’s defense or Matt Ryan’s perpetual bed-shitting.


Matt Ryan’s perpetual bed-shitting!!!

This is supposed to be the part where I break down a bunch of stats that definitively show his regression, but truth be told, the stats remain the same. He was just never really that good. Whatever. What would Deion Sanders do?

You’re welcome.

Washington Redskins 30, San Diego Chargers 24 [OT]
If I gained 100 followers every time I complained about Phillip River’s inability to score in the red zone, I’d be getting paid to write these things. It’s a problem that will never be fixed. With 1st and goal on the 1 yard line, the Chargers had 2 timeouts and 50+ seconds to get the win. On 1st down, the running back got stuffed. 2nd down, Phillip threw a terrible pass that wasn’t even close to being caught. On 3rd down, Phil did what Phil always does under pressure: he scrambled, scrambled some more, then threw the ball away. On 4th down, a field goal put the game into OT. Since the Chargers don’t have a defense, of course RGIII drove down the field and won the game. My only question is why the Redskins can’t win when I want them to?

Philadelphia Eagles 49, Oakland Raiders 20
Nick Foles, ladies and gents. Nick motherfucking Foles.

In case you don’t remember, I said the following about Nick Foles 3 weeks ago:

Nick Foles has proven to use that he can play two games in two weeks, but he hasn’t done much more beyond that.

Okay, shut up, I’ll eat my words. Now he’s the 2nd QB in the last 44 years to throw 7 touchdowns in one game. BUT IT WAS AGAINST THE FUCKING RAIDERS! Catch them on a bad day and anybody could throw 7 touchdowns against him. So what happens now? Let me break down the 5-step process:

1) After Vick gets healthy, they keep him on the sideline. Foles finishes out the season a shade below .500.
2) He’s picked up by a flailing team in need of a leader [see: Vikings, Jaguars, Rams, Texans, Eagles]
3) Foles is offered entirely too much money and everyone hypes the team that he’s playing for in the offseason.
4) He plays only 8 games in the 2014 season, due to nagging injury or consistent meltdowns or both.
5) He gets passed around from team to team for the next 5 years. The cycle is complete.

Seattle Seahawks 27, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 24
I’d be shocked if Schiano isn’t fired by dinnertime tomorrow. But you gotta hand it to him, the Bucs can do at least one thing right. They can give dominant teams a run for their money, convince them they’re going to lose and then lay down and die in the second half. It makes for a very entertaining game, but not much else.

New England Patriots 55, Pittsburgh Steelers 31
I really don’t feel like talking about this game. Tom Brady is back. Who cares? Instead, let’s go to my partner in grime, Robby Nast, in his Bye Week edition of “The Lions Den”:

Cool! Thanks bro!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Houston Texans 24
After a tumultuous first half of the season Poor Boy Gary thought he had it all figured out. After all, his Texans were beating the overly-favored Colts 21-3 at halftime. This would be the night that he silences all his naysayers. When he can stand tall and say, “Okay, Matt Schaub wasn’t our franchise quarterback, but Case Keenum surely is!” When the players will carry him on their shoulders as they chant, “3 and 5! 3 and 5! 3 and 5!” After all, it’s more than halfway to .500. This would be the night that all of the fans in Reliant Stadium forgives him and welcomes him with open arms again. He had the best halftime speech written up. One that was really going to fire them up as they vie to conquer the rest of the season. He practiced it in his head while walking off the field and then the unthinkable happened. Poor Boy Gary collapsed to the ground, as if struck by lightning. We would later find out that it was a stroke. And left to control the team was Sticky Pants Wade, as he failed to command more than 3 points on the board and the Texans lost in an epic meltdown. It’s strange how life works sometimes. When the coach of a sports team is in bad health, the team either plays their all to make him proud or pretend that they don’t know what to do without him. The former only works in movies.

Chicago Bears 27, Green Bay Packers 20
Aaron Rodgers completed 50% of his passes with an average of 27 yards per catch. In other words, he had one completion before going down on a left collarbone fracture. Enter Seneca Wallace, a man with a fake goatee and an affinity towards handing the ball off. It wasn’t pretty to say the least. The Packers are obviously not an organization that would plan for something like this. In the past 21 years, they have had exactly 2 QBs to start more than 2 games. TWO FUCKING QUARTERBACKS! The franchise has never been interested in worrying about the worse case scenario. If anything, I guess it happened at the right time. Eddie Lacy is the best running back they’ve had since Ahman Green and history will tell if he ends up being better. But it’s very clear that Seneca Wallace is not a permanent solution, even if Rodgers is only gone for a month. Luckily, the next game they have to worry about is 4 weeks away, the Thanksgiving bout against the Lions. The next 3 games [Eagles, Giants, Vikings] could be easy wins, with or without Aaron Rodgers. And one would have to believe that they’re not going to stick to Seneca Wallace. After all, Matt Flynn is a free agent. So is Vince Young. And so is…wait, no…I’m not even going to say it…not going to happen…

Join me next week when Mike McCarthy pays Brett Favre a visit, Richie Incognito gets banned from Discovery Zone and Rex Ryan sustains a neck injury while attempting to do The Bernie.