As Chip’s Nightmare Continues, Tommy Cough Does The Bernie [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 8]
I was going to throw a hissy fit and complain that all of the games sucked this week. It’s true, they were all really awful. But somehow, I found myself with too much to say. So much, in fact, that I can’t really waste much more time on the introduction. Nay, I WON’T waste any more time on the introduction. THIS INTRODUCTION IS OVER!
San Francisco 49ers 42, Jacksonville Jaguars 10
I get it, but this is just stupid. Shahid Khan wants to see his Jags play in Jolly Ol’ London, but nobody else does. Especially when they’re primed up to be decimated by the somewhat-mediocre 49ers. 83,459 sad saps showed up to see this and hopefully they all knew what they were getting themselves into. I mean, hey, the Jags are at least somewhat better than the Bucs. Fuck. No, I can’t lie. They’re awful. I have never seen a more pathetic example of a football team, except for maybe the 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars Preseason squad. Just imagine how bad the players that got cut were. If I were one of them, I’d go back to college and study a trade, knowing damn well that I just wasted 10+ years of my life working towards something that I’d never be good at. I wonder what the suicide rate is in Jacksonville. I wonder how cheap the beer is in Wembley Stadium. Must’ve been moderately cheap, considering that fans started doing the wave in the 2nd quarter.
You see, outside of America, there are some things that are still deemed “cool”, like Cosby Sweaters, genocide and The Wave. Semi-professional Oceanographer, Young Blaha, elaborates that “apathetic fans can do [the wave] without getting out of their seats”. These fans appeared to be more enthused than apathetic as they were all getting out of their seats for this needless celebration. Canadian seismologist, Peter White, elaborates that “It’s proves when we work together we can be part of something bigger than ourselves, eh”. Theories aside, these London fans were begging for more, despite all of the bullshit games we’ve thrown their way over the years. These fools WANT an American Football team and considering how unevenly concentrated franchises are in Florida, they deserve one! I realize that the NFL likes to make excuses and say that the travel time to Europe detriments the team’s rest for the following game. It’s a pretty poor excuse. If a London team played in the Southern division, it would take an average of 9 hours to fly there from one of the other team’s home-bases. That’s only a couple hours more than if they would travel to the west coast, which happens a lot. After all, shouldn’t it be up to the owners? Having the Jaguars stay in Jacksonville is not sustainable for the NFL. If the Jags moved overseas, not only would it raise more revenue but it would also further the NFL in projecting a global image. EVERYBODY WINS! GET THEM THE FUCK OUT OF JACKSONVILLE!
New England Patriots 27, Miami Dolphins 17
I know I’m not the only one sick of seeing the Patriots make comeback victories. We get the point, stop running it into the ground. Your running game is no good. They keep falling on the ground. STOP RUNNING IT INTO THE GROUND! Boo-hooey-hoo, the Patriots don’t have the capacity to play like a complete team in the first 3 quarters. That must mean that they’re human and worthy of our sympathy! Sometimes, they fall so far behind that they aren’t able to win the game! Oh noes! You poor guys! Don’t cry, I, uh, love Boston! Sure, I hate tea, I’d throw that shit overboard too! And your name, it kind of rolls off the tongue, it’s classy, I’m a fan. Boston. What a fuckin name! You guys are so cool, I’m glad that you got your shit together and beat those dumb Dolphins. What a bunch of losers, them Dolphins. You guys totally figured out, uh, like, how to sack Ryan Tannehill and stuff. That was so cool, when he was all like on the ground and stuff! Oh man, Tom Brady, I hope we stay best friends forever, you’re so cool! You know what’d be even cooler is if you played for the Bruins and the Celtics and the Red Sox at the same time! You’d be like Bo Jackson⁴ [which means Bo Jackson to the 4th power [or Bo Jackson X Bo Jackson X Bo Jackson X Bo Jackson = Tom Brady, the ultimate Boston athlete]. Just get a hold of those teams, I’m sure they’ll pick you up, bro! High five!
As I was saying, the Patriots are trying really hard to look human while duping America to love them at the same time. Meanwhile, the Dolphins are trying really hard to be human…
Kansas City Chiefs 23, Cleveland Browns 17
Jason Campbell, where have you been? Playing Scrabble in Topeka? Skip-Bo in Tulsa? Backgammon in Anchorage? Tiddly Winks in Branson? Rummy in Dayton? Jenga in Charlotte? Battleship in Honolulu? Kerplunk in Birmingham? Mall Madness in St Paul? Wherever you were, my main man Jason Campbell, you were gone too long. This is why you squandered away what should’ve been the game-winning drive. The refs were calling all the penalties for you, giving you an infinite amount of chances. But no trigger was pulled. It’s obvious that you would much rather play a rousing game of Connect-Four in Gary. Or better yet, Don’t Wake Daddy in Waco.
Port Authority Giants 15, Philadelphia Eagles 7
Things could be worse for Chip Kelly, but it can’t get any worse than this. Or maybe it can. I’m not a genius. And neither is Chip Kelly. His homeboy, Vickey-poo-doo, could only last 1 quarter. The game is played in 4 quarters. This didn’t bode well for Chip and Vickey-poo-doo. It didn’t bode well for anybody, except Tom Coughlin and Eli’s Crew, which is a bunch of nobodies. Vickey-poo-doo started out the game financially and morally bankrupt and now he’s looking at being physically bankrupt. If he can’t scramble and run, then he is useless to himself and his teammates. And the Giants were more than ready to mock him. Even Eli grew a
brotesque gotesque goatee for the occasion. What I found confusing at the end of the game was the birth of The Bernie Dance, led by Antrel Rolle and Will Hill. As much as I am overjoyed to see a bunch of meatheads making a reference to Weekend At Bernies 2, you kind of have to wonder why they’re referencing Weekend At Bernies 2. Is it because the Giants are best represented by an aged corpse that’s cursed with the voodoo spell of dancing whenever steel drum music is played? Or are they mocking the Eagles, calling them the dancing dead guy? Regardless, I’m both amused and confused and I hope this dance craze catches on.
Detroit Lions 31, Dallas Cowboys 30
Here to steal the thunder of covering they only good game of the week is my partner in grime, Robby Nast. Welcome to “The Lion’s Den”:
I couldn’t find a single soul to watch the Lions game with on Sunday. I texted people, no reply. I Facebook messaged to no avail. I seriously thought about calling someone with a telephone, I was that desperate. I was also devouring a home cooked burger at the time, so I really couldn’t make the call anyway. I hear it’s rude to talk with food in your mouth. The thing is, I really didn’t need anybody to watch the game with anyway. My parents had invited me over for lunch before the game, meaning I technically DID have someone to watch the game with. The only catch was that someone was my dear old Dadn who had given up on the Lions a long time ago. A long, time ago. Oh, he used to be a fan. Used to be. But now he has absolutely no interest in watching the Lions play and I can’t recall the last time we’ve watched a game together.
That was about to change.
I was hoping that this would be The Game. The game that would revive my Father’s faith in the Lions and pump the Honolulu-blue blood back into his veins. The Lions would destroy the Cowboys at home. They would pick Tony Romo off six times and Jim Schwartz would choke Dez Bryant out with a freshly ripped off headset, while declaring that he’d never shave his goatee again. They would roar into the bye week riding a huge wave of momentum and my Dad would be back on the bandwagon. BOOM! And that would be that. It had to be the game, I just knew it.
The the game started.
Reggie Bush fundamentally switches the football from one arm to the other to protect it, only to hold it out like a pigskin present that was specially wrapped for the Dallas defense. I glanced over at Dad. He didn’t look happy.
Matthew Stafford appears to laser a pass into the hands of Calvin Johnson just as former Grand Valley State University standout Brandon Carr manages to spring it free of his grip and into the hands of linebacker Sean Lee. My dad is losing his patience.
Sean Lee jumps a slant route, picks off Matthew Stafford and returns it for a big pick up. Brian Billick says something about slant routes for the umpteenth time. My dad was getting to the breaking point.
Calvin Johnson catches a ball from Stafford, turns, and begins to run up field. In a failed attempt to spin, the ball is forced free, recovered by Brandon Carr and returned 21 yards. My dad had given up. They had wasted his time again.
Fast forward to the 2 minute warning. The Lions defense had just forced Dallas into a do-or-die three and out, giving the offense plenty of time with two timeouts remaining. I thought for sure this would be it. The drive that would save the day for the Lions and my restore my Father’s faith in them once and for all. I was wrong. The Lions went four and out giving Dallas the ball back with just over 90 seconds remaining in the contest.
Dad was mad. He had the remote. He changed the channel.
As we watched Will Ferrell make his transformation from husband into Frank the tank in the movie “Old School”, I couldn’t help but keep thinking about the game. What was going on? Was it over? Did the Lions still have a chance? I sat there tense, not sure what to do next. If the game had ended, I would have received a notification from my ESPN app. I checked my phone. Nothing. I made the big move.
I grabbed the remote.
I quickly changed the channel back just in time to see Calvin Johnson haul in a beautifully thrown ball between two defenders and slide just short of the end zone. “WE STILL HAVE A CHANCE!” I yelled, as I looked at my Dad in sheer amazement. The Lions offense was scrambling to get ready for the next play, with Stafford looking like a man possessed as he hurried his team to the line of scrimmage.
We all know what happened next. Bait, trap, Touchdown Lions.
I looked at my Dad. He was smiling.
I’ve always had faith in Stafford as the Lions franchise quarterback and the organization obviously feels the same way. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have just inked him to a big time contract. He’s already extremely accomplished at the youthful age of twenty-five and is having one of his best seasons with Detroit. However the NFL’s “talking heads” rarely put him in top-10 quarterback discussions and no one that I know of has ever put him in top-5 talks. This performance should change all that. Stafford orchestrated a beautiful one minute drive on Sunday that capped off a miraculous Lions comeback. The “fake-spike” that he pulled on both the Cowboys defense and his own offense will go down in NFL lore and will be known as the play that put Matthew Stafford into elite quarterback status. You heard me right. Elite status. He’s already been the most efficient 4th quarterback this season (120.9 QBR) and did I mention he’s only twenty-five years old? Yes, I know I did, but it’s worth saying twice. Let’s see what the analysts have to say after Sunday’s coming out party.
I never could figure out why ex-Lions receiver Roy Williams went “Megatron” as his chosen nickname for Calvin Johnson. Don’t get me wrong, I understand it’s because he can seemingly transform into a football catching machine that is virtually unstoppable to anyone that gets in his way but he could have went with “Optimus Prime”, the leader of the Go-Bots. He’s one of the good guys and that’s just what Johnson is, such a GOOD guy. On the field, off the field, in the locker room, in the classroom, everywhere. Good, good, good, good, good. You know who’s a bad guy? Dez Bryant. He seemingly has same of the same robotic abilities as Calvin Johnson when it comes to making unhuman-like acts on a football field, but like all villains, he’s arrogant and talks too much. Two traits that can ultimately lead to defeat. Dez Bryant made the mistake of comparing himself to Calvin Johnson during the week leading up to this game and what did Johnson do? Nothing. Not a peep. What did he do on the field Sunday? Oh, he just tallied 14 catches on 16 targets for 329 receiving yards, the second most in NFL history. And when Stafford elected to secretly run a QB sneak instead of spiking it and taking a couple shots to him in the end zone, Johnson could have gotten bent out of shape that he wasn’t being targeted enough. He could have pulled a Dez Bryant. But he didn’t. In the end, it was Johnson celebrating with his teammates as Bryant argued with his. This is what separates him from almost every elite receiver EVER. He’s humble and the ultimate team player. Victory, Calvin Johnson.
YOU HEARD IT IN THE DEN: 5 ROARING REALIZATIONS
1. The people at DiGiorno pizza must be Lions fans. After breaking his arm in a car crash while picking up pizza, Lions WR Nate Burleson won’t have to pick up his pizza anymore. The company has given him free pizza for a year following the unfortunate event. He better throw the team a pizza party.
2. Lions’ wide receiver Ryan Broyles is officially Detroit’s “china-man”. After tearing his ACL in college, Broyles recovered and saw the field midway through his rookie season. Then he tore is other ACL and was done for the year. In Sunday’s victory against the Cowboys he ruptured his Achilles while fielding a punt. It’s safe to say his days in the NFL are numbered.
3. Matthew Stafford became the fastest player in NFL history to reach 15,000 yards passing. He’s only played in 53 games and has already thrown for 15,424 yards.
4. Statistics point out that when the Cowboys had the ball at 1st and 10 with 1:24 remaining on Detroit’s 31-yard line they had 99% probability to win the game. That’s why you play until the final tick, right?
5. Brandon Carr thinks Dez Bryant is the best player in the league. Really? Still? What is it with these Grand Valley douchebags? Yeesh.
Oakland Raiders 21, Pittsburgh Steelers 18
Scott Hansen told me that the Steelers haven’t won in Oakland since 1995. Seconds later, Terrelle Pryor went 93 yards untouched for the longest QB run in NFL history. So I guess the streak goes on. The sad part is that this is the only highlight from the game. Despite getting the win, the guy only passed for 88 yards. This speaks volumes for the Steeler’s offense. Ben Roethlisberger is still playing like Ben Roethlisberger, throwing 29/45 for 279. That’s a standard statistic for him, but in the past, it was good enough to win games and lots of them. This only goes to show that it’s not Ben’s fault that his team is 2-5. In that same regard, it’s not entirely his fault that they have gone to 3 Super Bowls since being drafted. You can’t blame him for anything. He’s just that generic quarterback that’s been lucky enough to be considered “part of a franchise”.
Cincinnati Bengals 49, New York Ets 9
The Bengals might be the most complete team in the NFL. Unlike the Chiefs, they are completely dominant on both sides of the ball. Pacman Jones, Chris Crocker and James Harrison are tearing it up on defense while Andy Dalton is more dangerous than ever with the combination of AJ Green and Marvin Jones. And unlike the Broncos and Patriots, the Bengals have the capacity to play 4 full quarters of football. They start a game and they finish a game, just as any team should. Meanwhile, Tom Brady and CyboManning have built their season around comeback victories, which in the end has the potential of causing trouble. This is how the Patriots have earned all of their losses. The Bengals are not a team to fall behind. They fall forward, which is technically ahead. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I’m just saying, Bengals vs redskins in the Super Bowl.
Denver Broncos 45, Washington Redskins 21
Did I say Bengals-Redskins Super Bowl? Shit, what I meant to say was Bengals-Saints Super Bowl. Still no good? Fuck, okay, Broncos-Saints Super Bowl and that’s my final answer. Actually, no, I have no clue. IT’S STILL ONLY WEEK 8, GIVE ME A BREAK! At the beginning of this game, I stated that the Redskins are a much better team than their record dictates. Immediately following my statement, they took a 21-7 lead. At that point, I said to myself, “Now it’s time for Cybo to make that comeback” and I didn’t look at the score until the game was long over. I can’t really explain how this seems to be the trend with the 2013 Broncos, but it just takes a couple of hours for CyboManning to find his rhythm. Even against the Jags, they found a way to fall behind early. With a team like this, alls well and ends well, but considering the talent on the field and the final scores of all their games, non-watchers would believe that the Broncos are controlling every minute of the game, which is just not true at all. So many miscues happen in the 1st half that gets wiped from everyone’s memory before the game is over. CyboManning has mind control over us, erasing all of his wrongdoings while highlighting the good. You have to admit, nobody else in the league has that kind of talent!
Seattle Seahawks 14, St Louis Rams 9
At the 1 yard line, it’s 4th and goal with 4 seconds on the clock. The Rams still had not scored a rushing touchdown all season. So what does Jeff Fisher call up? Shotgun formation, Kellen Clemens throws a pass that lands 2 yards short of the receiver. Game over. Should’ve tried to run it, Kel Clemmy.
Green Bay Packers 44, Minnesota Vikings 31
Oh, flex scheduling, where are you when we need you? I know firsthand that having having tickets to a game that ends up being flexed out is a massive punch in the dick, but having to watch the Vikings in primetime 2 weeks in a row is an even
bigger stronger punch in the dick. Just like last year, when we were subjected to infinite amounts of Steelers, Giants and Jets games, we’re victim to being spoon-fed the Vikings and Texans. This is why I’m not a big fan of sleeper teams, when a playoff season is bookended by 4-12 seasons. Many franchises have made a living off doing this and it makes it really difficult in deciding the schedule before the season starts. I’m of the opinion that flex scheduling should start in week 4, just like bye weeks. At that point, we know that the 0-4 team isn’t worth watching, regardless of their status the year before. Because let’s face it, they’re just hemorrhaging ratings by televising matchups like these. But then again, it’s not like the NFL is hurting for them either. It would just be a classier move to see matchups change early on in the season.
Join me next week, when I get flexed out of my own games and Robby Nast covers everything except the Lions!