Gary Kubiak And The Infinite Kertwang [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 7]

If I wanted to get punched in the face, I would go to the Double Down Saloon sporting an accordion and start spraying people in the face with Axe®, while playing a song about how punk music is for poo-poo heads. It would be a lot more satisfying than watching game 6 of the ALCS. I’m not going to go into details about how Jim Leyland made the same mistake from game 2 over again and broke my heart, but let’s just say I saw Boston’s 7th inning rally coming from a mile away. And in the end, I have no desire to watch the World Series. I mean, come on, baseball? That sport is for pussies! Those guys are fags, man! I need me a REAL sport. With dudes that run into each other and shit. Something more up my alley. Football! Football is cool! All the kids are doing it! Who in the hell needs baseball when you’ve got the Rams vs Panthers?!?

Is it April yet?

Dallas Cowboys 17, Philadelphia Eagles 3
Well this looked like a big fat barrel of fun on paper. You’ve got bitter division rivals fighting for the top spot, who happen to be two of the top scorers in the league. It looked like it’d be a Shootout Slobberknocker To End All Shootout Slobberknockers™. But what what we got instead was a limpfest full of limping limpers. On one end, Tony Romo lost his offensive spark [but eventually found it hiding in a hot tub] and on the other end, the Eagles had to rely on their third string QB, Matt Barkley. Who the fuck is Matt Barkley? Well, he played one quarter and threw 3 interceptions. So the answer is that you don’t need to know who Matt Barkley is. Matt Barkley doesn’t even know who Matt Barkley is. Case dismissed.

San Diego Chargers 24, Jacksonville Jaguars 6
They didn’t even need to play this game. And I don’t need to write about it.

New York Ets 30, New England Patriots 27 [OT]
Linemen make a living out of pushing other people. However, if that person you push is your teammate, it’s apparently considered illegal. And it apparently cost New England the game.

I am not opposed to this penalty. Hell, it’s pretty rare that special teams gets creative to begin with. It took 7 weeks for this penalty to come up because the strategy doesn’t work. Although there were 2 men pushing one side of the center, they were still the farthest away from the kicker. What I disagree with, however, is the magnitude of the penalty. It’s considered unsportsmanlike conduct, warranting 15 yards and a first down. For a penalty that’s reserved solely for field goal kicks, you would think that a first down shouldn’t happen. 5 yards and a re-kick is a little more suitable. Let’s be honest: what Chris Jones did should not be considered dangerous. Somebody could’ve gotten hurt, but that’s football, baby! I see just as much danger in this play as I do in a 3-4 blitz. It should never deem a field goal unnecessary. But that’s the game they play, where defensive players are constantly disciplined and everyone on offense is deemed innocent and helpless. Take Pat McAfee for example. He made a brutal helmet-to-helmet hit on Trindon Holliday, but because he’s a punter, no flags were thrown. Actually, I’m surprised that Holliday didn’t get blamed for roughing the kicker. “He was just trying to dive to the sideline and the runner’s head got in the way. Half the distance to the goal, first down kicking team”.

Cincinnati Bengals 27, Detroit Lions 24
Let’s face it: the Lions had to lose eventually. These things happen. Here to pick up the pieces is my partner in grime, Robby Nast in his column, “The Lion’s Den”:

Same old Lions. Same old Lions. Same Old Lions. SAME OLD LIONS. STOP!

No, they’re not. Yes they lost a game that they should have won, I understand that. But whatever you do, please do not say S.O.L. And besides, it’s already an acronym for “Shit Outta Luck”. Wait… FUCK!

Sunday’s marquee matchup between the two teams, [who, by the way, were both leading their respective divisions [ED Note: Competitive Divisions]] was actually an exciting game from start to finish. It was also a very frustrating game to watch if you root for the Honolulu-Blue. Very frustrating.

FIVE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENED
1. The Bengals blocked a Lions field goal and appeared to purposely advance the ball by fumbling it ahead from one teammate to another. Jim Schwartz was apparently told by the officials that he could not challenge it.
2. Multiple injuries to the Lions offensive line.
3. Whatever the Lions secondary was doing. Where’s Dre Bly when you need him? [ED Note: Eating Crab Chips, cuz dem shits are delicious!]
4. Detroit’s final offensive drive of the game. They had just under two minutes and two time outs yet seemed out of sync and unable to run a proper drill offense.
5. Sam Martin’s shanked punt that went a whopping 28 yards. Yes, the one that set up the Bengals game winning field goal.

If there’s one way I hate to see my team lose the game, it has to be by a field goal being booted with time expiring. There’s nothing worse than watching final seconds on the clock tick away while knowing that you don’t even have that one last shot for a miracle. What kind of sick bastards deny people the chance at miracles? Sacks of serious slime sucking secondary surgeons like Andy Dalton, that’s who. He, A.J. Green and the rest of their cronies.
Bottom line is that Detroit should have won this game. They had the home field advantage. Ford field was rocking and they DO have enough talent on the field. They came up short, it happens. What the Lions need to do is bounce back. The need to be angry, pissed and hungry. To Prove to everyone that they are NOT the – you know what’s. They’ve already won as many games (4) as they did all last season and are still a game above .500. They are still 2-1 in their division with a chance to make a statement on Thanksgiving against the Packers. But first and foremost they have to take care of business at home next week against the Dallas Cowboys.

And for anyone that wants to watch the “Same old Lions”, become a fan of the Jacksonville Jaguars. I hear they will give you free beer and get you drunk just so you’ll watch them. They obviously need you and your hate. Here in the Den, we do not.

FIVE ROARING REALIZATIONS
1. Matthew Stafford broke the Bengals’ streak of twenty straight games without allowing an opposing quarterback to throw for 300 or more yards. (Stafford would finish with 357 yards and 3 touchdowns.)
2. Calvin Johnson now has 35 100-yard receiving games — new franchise record.
3. Sam Martin punted a 65-yarder early in Sunday’s game. That’s over twice as long as the one that set up the game winning field goal.
4. Suh had a humorous tweet during this week’s Sunday night football game:
“Big hit by the kicker on @SNFonNBC football! Wonder if he will get a……..? #BroncosVsColts
5. With both the Lions and Bears losing on Sunday, the Green Bay Packers (4-2) have now jumped to the top of the NFC North. Please excuse me as I throw up this cheese.

Atlanta Falcons 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23
Top 3 Jokes I Can Come Up With About The Bucs:

3) Staph infection? More like staff infection! Cause they’re infected with suck! Hey-Ooooohhhhh!
2) Mike Glennon? What, did you go to North Carolina State or something? Ohhhhhh!!!!!!
1) After the game, Atlanta custodians had to power wash the visitor’s locker room, to erase any trace of defeat. Blup! [Oh wait, the Falcons suck too. Whatever]

Top 1 Joke I Can Come Up With About The Falcons:

1) Why did the Falcon cross the road? Because the rest of the team just got hit by a bus! KERTWANG!

Buffalo Bills 23, Miami Dolphins 21
Scott Hansen couldn’t make this game sound exciting. What we have here are two middle-of-the-road teams playing in the middle of the road. Their squads this year aren’t necessarily terrible, but with the success rate of the Patriots and [shudder] Ets, it’s not like all 4 teams can make the playoffs. The only thing that could’ve salvaged this game would be a ghost train driving through the stadium, turning everything into ice and dispensing Coors Light Can Bottles®. Suddenly, everybody gets drunk, “The Love Train” is a popular song again and the teams start playing hockey, as Ryan Tennehill discovers his true talent at being a goalie. But no, that never happened. So what were they playing for? So Thaddy Lewis can make that Skrilla, duh!

Green Bay Packers 31, Cleveland Browns 13
I checked my pupils, they’re fine. Check the back of my neck, no sweat. Teeth look totally normal. I’m not constipated. There’s no track marks on my arm. I don’t have a runny nose. I don’t have the urge to “cop” something or “jack” somebody. My skin isn’t turning green. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not addicted to heroin. So I still need an explanation as to why I’ve been rooting for the Browns lately. There’s something about the team that just seems so damn familiar. It’s not Brandon Weeden’s sheer skill because he doesn’t have any. It’s not Willis McGahee because no, just no. I’ve been perplexed by this for a couple of weeks now, but then the answer came to me plain as day. At one point during the game, they showed the Browns booth and the all too familiar rotting craggly face that is Norv Turner’s. So THAT’S what he’s been doing all season! Hiding out as the Browns offensive coordinator, that sly devil! It’s unfortunate that his offense was completely shut down by the Packers, but still, good for him. I don’t care how badly they lost, I still believe in the Browns, damnit! Because whatever Norv touches turns to gold. Fool’s gold. It belongs to Fool, don’t let him see you with it!

Pittsburgh Steelers 19, Baltimore Ravens 16
The last play of the 3rd quarter was challenged to see if the runner ran out of bounds before continuing. Ultimately, the call was reversed and 14 seconds were added to the clock. So we are forced to travel back in time to the third quarter, as the sluggish players meander over to the other side of the field, let the clock run 14 seconds and then meander back to the other side to start the 4th quarter. That mishap basically sums up this game and the seasons that both teams are having.

Indianapolis Colts 39, Denver Broncos 33
I didn’t watch this game, as I figured you all did already. But in case you fell asleep in a puddle of your own man juice with visions of Faith Hill’s elbows swirling in your head [because I’m not attracted to Faith Hill, I just figure every other man in America is attracted to a generic body part of hers], here’s a highlight reel:

Kansas City Chiefs 17, Houston Texans 16
You can bite your lip all you want, but you’re going to have to say it eventually. The Chiefs are 7-0 and on top of the AFC West. This comes as a struggle to me, as I can’t admit that the Chargers are a bad team. As much as I’d like them to suck for convenience sake, I still feel that the Chargers stand a chance in this wacky division. But this means that the Chiefs would have to melt down and they’d have to do it soon. The AFC West is far from being decided. Aside from the Raiders [kertwang!], each team has only played one division game. This means that 5 out of the last 7 games for the Chiefs are divisional. Add that fact to the consistency history of Alex Smith and I don’t see any reason as to why the Chiefs should get more than 10 wins this year. The easy part of their schedule is over. Now they have to play with the big boys. Either that, or I’m totally wrong about everything and I’ll eat my words come week 17.

Also, Gary Kubiak’s waking nightmare continues. He lost both Arian Foster and Ben Tate. And Brian Cushing. And he just fired 3 rookies for acting “lewd” in a “hotel room”. That’s what’s left of his team: a bunch of cripples and rapists lewd guys. Next week, his defensive line will go on strike. Then his wife will get caught sleeping with David Carr [And his response will be, “Sup?”]. Then David Carr will get caught sleeping with Kubiak’s daughter. It will never end for poor Gary!

Port Authority Giants 23, Minnesota Vikings 7
Alright, alright, alright, settle down prostitutes. I’m going to say something and I swear, there will be no Dunkin’ Donuts jokes involved. The Giants finally won a game. I think a golf clap is in order. Nobody? Alright, fuck it. The Giants finally managed to win a game against the Vikings. The Vikings led by Josh Freeman. Why they let Freeman throw the ball 45+ times is beyond me. The guy is downright terrible. He fails to make a 10 yard pass multiple times, then fails to make a hail mary bomber, rinse, lather, repeat. The Vikings Special Teams allowed them to score so many more points, only for them to be squandered by Freeman et all. Their special teams also did a few things to help them lose the game, like a terrible punt return that can’t even gain the dignity of being called “muffed”. No thanks to Eli, the Giants “played” like the “better team”. But come on, that’s fucking meaningless. Imagine the plot of American Pie, but in the end, Jason Biggs loses his virginity to a 3,000 lb whale. It’s not comfortable to watch no matter which way you look at it. And sure, a win is a win, just like getting laid is getting laid. I still wouldn’t touch it with a 10 ft pole, let alone try to defeat it/play with its blowhole.

And in the end, there are only 2 winless teams left. They both happen to be located in Florida and they both happen to be owned by guys that own Premier League Soccer Clubs. With that being said, London residents will have the opportunity to go to Wembley Stadium and be forced to watch at gunpoint, the matchup between the Jaguars and the 49ers. Those poor, poor Brits.

Join me next week when I get Hockey fever, Alex Smith gets a real fever and Greg Schiano fakes a fever.

-TeeCoZee