SPOILER: The Giants Lost [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 6]

Around this time in October, we all kind of forget that it’s Breast Cancer® Awareness Month. I was almost hoping that a team would roll out one day with pink uniforms. The Seahawks would be ballsy enough to try that. A pink uniform would give them an advantage, much like the puke green alternate uniforms that provide a Boise State-esque camouflage. But it didn’t happen. The refs burned all of their pink flags and it seems less obvious that the players are sporting the color somewhere on their bodies. Some are as obvious as GRIII’s pink arm sleeve thingy, while others are hard to point out, like BJ Raji’s thong. It makes watching football seem like I’m playing a rousing game of Bart VS The Space Mutants [which was a best seller, according to Hispanic Engineer and Information Technology Magazine…what?] Basically, Bart has to go around and spraypaint every pink object that he sees, because the space mutants are trying to rule the world with pink items. It doesn’t make any sense and I don’t like thinking of the game when I’m trying to watch my footballs. Not that I don’t support people knowing that Breast Cancer® exists, but damn, is it November yet?

Green Bay Packers 19, Baltimore Ravens 17
My fantasy football team is cursed. It might have something to do with the fact that I won it all last year relying on the stats of kick returners. The luck I’ve been having is epically grotesque. First, Jacoby Jones went down, to which effect I hastily dropped him. Then down went Brian Hoyer. Then Calvin Johnson. And then Sunday afternoon, I had to watch, with hands pulling at my overgrown hair, as my MVP Randall Cobb was escorted off the field on a cart. Despite the latest craze [err…the latest attempt at creating a craze], I am not a believer in Fantasy Football Insurance. Sure, it would be nice to get some money back for star players getting hurt, but it takes away the fun of the season. Anybody who uses that might as well be in 50 different leagues. So when one star player goes down, you can collect the insurance money and pull the plug on your team, therefore making the league unplayable and pointless to everyone else in it. For an activity that demoralizes a sport, some people really know how to push the envelope. But not me, no sir, no thank yer, thanks but no thanks, not for me bro, I’ll have to pass on that, meh, not gonna do it. I’m a one league man, dag nabbit! And if I have to, I shall run my offense Mike McCarthy: Pick up a bunch of no name recievers and hope that your quarterback picks up the slack…

…hey, it scored them 19 points!!!

Kansas City Chiefs 24, Oakland Raiders 7
The following drive summary properly explicates the kind of afternoon that Terelle Pryor had and the dangerous effects of being sacked:

1st and 10- 50 -Terrelle Pryor pass incomplete short right intended for Rod Streater. Penalty on Lamar Mady: Offensive Holding, 10 yards (no play)
1st and 20- RAI 40 -Terrelle Pryor sacked by Tamba Hali for -12 yards
2nd and 32- RAI 28 -Penalty on Terrelle Pryor: Delay of Game, 5 yards (no play)
2nd and 37- RAI 23 -Terrelle Pryor sacked by Eric Berry for -11 yards
3rd and 48- RAI 12 -Terrelle Pryor pass incomplete short middle intended for Marcel Reece (defended by Allen Bailey)

I did not see a leader out there. What I saw was a little boy that was initially scared, then after the first sack, realized that he just didn’t want to be there. On first down, he made very little attempts at getting rid of the ball. He immediately accepted his fate of being sacked. After that happened, he sulked around for a little while, searched for someone to order a Gatorade from, watched the replay of him being sacked, realized that it was still 2nd down, delay of game penalty. With his head in the clouds, he still made no attempt at hurrying his offense. Their lineups are not intricate, it was the same one that they attempted mere seconds before, but it still took Pryor 23 of the allotted 25 seconds to get the ball in his hand. And again, he made no attempt to get rid of the ball. On 3rd down, he avoids a sack by throwing the football 3 yards squarely into the back of a Chief’s lineman.

We’ve all seen enough. That’s why they’re called professionals. Terrelle Pryor is not. Bring me Matt Flynn and then we’ll talk.

St Louis Rams 38, Houston Texans 13
The Giants may be 0-6, but the Texans are the most crippled team in the league. Gary Kubiak has realized that his worst nightmare is knowing that he’s not asleep. For whatever it was worth, the Texan’s flailing attempt at a sort-of-dynasty is over. For starters, Matt Schaub is not the franchise quarterback that we had all lied to ourselves to believe. His goods are aging and damaged. Nobody wants a piece of him anymore. Even those that did get pieces want their money back. You know a franchise is in trouble when the crowd cheers for the quarterback getting injured. They knew they were getting TJ Yates in return, but they cheered anyway. Change is welcome for a fanbase this miserable. And what does TJ Yates do immediately to kick off his new tenure? He throws a pick-6, of course! And Matt Schaub looked on, getting his ankle taped up and knowing deep down in the pit of his heart that he should’ve been out there throwing that pick-6. His name was written all over it. To add insult to injury, Vince Young is now starting a Twitter campaign to return to the NFL. The Houston native is ready to take the Texans team by the balls and…umm…be Vince Young with it? This dicked up scenario will probably never happen. On the other hand, I should never say never when I’m talking about a team that allowed 38 points against a Rams offense that STILL HASN’T RECORDED A SINGLE RUSHING TOUCHDOWN ALL SEASON. On top of that, they have won 3 games without scoring a rushing touchdown! [Is that even possible? Are they going in the shotgun formation at the goal line? Is Jeff Fisher trying to pull a mean joke on us? Is this just the state of the league right now, where mediocre teams do well enough that we can no longer consider them mediocre while still knowing that they don’t have a shot at playoff contention? Where’s my comb?]

Chicago Bears 27, Port Authority Giants 21
Dear Nigel Travis,

Are you there? It’s me, Eli. When you told me that I would be the face of your company, I knew my life was going to change forever. It really has, in a bad way. Nigel, none of your employees will serve me anymore. I’ve been to 223 Dunkin’ Donuts locations in the last 6 weeks and everybody refuses my business. I’ve even offered clerks $100,000 cash up front, but they still spit in my face. I’m not the same without my morning Coolata™. Or my afternoon Coolata™. Or my early evening Coolata™. Or you get the idea.

My teammates won’t even look at me anymore. It’s funny, being a 2-time Super Bowl champion and not having your voice heard in the locker room or getting served at a coffee shop. Coach Tom told me that if I lose one more game, I’m going to have to return my two rings to the ring making company, because apparently I don’t deserve them or something. I still think that all of this isn’t my fault, but the coaches and teammates assure me that it is. This is why I’m turning to you, Nigel. I’m lost without Dunkin’. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Addiction has turned me into a weak man.

They tore my billboard down. You know, the one hanging over the Manhattan Bridge? They took it down. Replaced it with a naked lady selling Street Kingz Energy Shots. Every Dunkin’ store I walk by has a big pile of my cardboard cutouts on the curb. I guess even the sanitation workers don’t want anything to do with me. I can’t do this anymore. Let’s make a deal: I’ll give you 65% of my salary if you let me buy your products again. It’s a win-win situation. Please let me know as soon as possible. My team may be 0-6, but we’re still only 3 games out of first. Please make a timely response, as these jokes are getting really stale.

Sincerely and Best Regards,
Eli Manning
Former Dunkin’ Donuts Spokesman
#10, New York Giants

Detroit Lions 31, Cleveland Browns 17
As the Lions roar on, here’s Robby Nast in his column, “The Lions Den”:

“Euphoria is generally considered to be an exaggerated physical and psychological state, sometimes induced by the use of psychoactive drugs and not typically achieved during the normal course of human experience. However, some natural behaviors, such as activities resulting in orgasm, love, or the triumph of an athlete, can induce brief states of euphoria.”

Joe-Fauria is being considered a touchdown catching machine for the, as he has caught seven passes on nine targets so far this season, with five of those receptions resulting in touchdowns. He is quickly becoming one of Matthew Stafford’s favorite targets in the Redzone and it’s no surprise why. He stands at 6’7” and seems to catch anything thrown his way. He had a career day for himself playing against the Browns on Sunday and it’s not like any of his three touchdown receptions were easy catches. It’s starting to become more and more of a mystery why this UCLA stand-out went undrafted. He’s arguably the most popular third tight end in the league and with Tony Scheffler sidelined indefinitely with a concussion, Fauria seems to capitalizing by not only be making the most of his playing time, but also cooking up some entertaining touchdown celebrations of his own. Who knows, maybe eventually he’ll make his way to Dancing with the Stars.

Sunday’s contest between the 3-2 Lions and Browns was a tale of two halves. The Lions seemed uninspired on both sides of the ball in the first half and trailed 17-7. Apparently, veteran middle linebacker Stephen Tulloch delivered a halftime speech for the ages that brought the team out of the funk. Perhaps it included something about how the Cleveland Browns are the only other non-expansion NFL team, besides the Lions, that have not made it to the Super Bowl. [Ed Note: Bernie Kosar is shitting in his grave] Whatever he said, it worked. But it wasn’t just Tulloch that fired up his team.

On Detroit’s first possession of the second half, Stafford scrambled from trouble on a 3rd-and-6 play and picked up seven yards. He popped to his feet after picking up the first down and spiked the ball, drawing a 5-yard penalty for delay of game. Some may say that this was out of character for the Lions’ young gunslinger, but it’s something the organization needs to see more of, especially considering how his teammates responded. When Matthew gets fired up the team seems to match his intensity. They would go on to score 24 unanswered points in the second half, handing the Browns their third loss of the season.

The Lions’ have two home games before hitting their bye week. If they can win against two quality opponents, the Cincinnati Bengals and Dallas Cowboys, they will set themselves up perfectly for a push into the postseason. Ford Field will certainly be roaring the next two Sundays.

YOU HEARD IT IN THE DEN: 5 ROARING REALIZATIONS

1. Matthew Stafford recorded a franchise record 13th game with three plus touchdown passes, breaking Bobby Lane’s record of twelve. Also, the two attended the same high school.
2. Joseph Fauria’s three touchdowns are the most by a tight end in franchise history.
3. There was a dog race at halftime of Sunday’s game and apparently David Akers corralled a runaway dog after the wiener dog race. If he wasn’t a kicker, he could clearly get a job at the pound.
4. Louis Delmas has supposedly given Fauria the nickname the “white Chad Johnson” because of his penchant for celebrating. Or in other words “Blanco Ocho Cero”.
5. DeAndre Levy continued his outstanding season with another great game. He tied for the team lead with 7 tackles and recorded 2 interceptions, bringing his season total to 4.

Denver Broncos 35, Jacksonville Jaguars 19
CyboManning played CyboPossum for the first half because he’s CyboManning and CyboManning only does what CyboManning wants to do. To prove my point, I’ve encrypted a small sample list of his directives:

1) Throw touchdowns
2) Make pizza
3) Throw touchdowns
4) Make pizza
5) Play possum
6) Throw touchdowns
7) Send dick pics to Meg Coyle
8) Drive Buicks
9) Make pizza
10) Please the Lord John Elway
11) Bomb Jim Irsay’s house
12) Throw touchdowns
13) Make money

SEE?!? It’s number 5 on this list! It doesn’t mean the robot is flawed, he’s just programmed to do that! I’m not insane!

Cincinnati Bengals 27, Buffalo Bills 24 [OT]

New England Patriots 30, New Orleans Saints 27
Sunday night was a marathon of stupidity. I subjected myself to 8 straight hours of sports live from Boston. The crowd at Foxboro was acceptable, because after all, it’s football. But man was I sick of those bozos at Fenway. It was soccer loud. “Shut up and let these poor guys think” loud. Both games basically ended the same predictable way. Give Tom Brady 55 seconds with no time outs and he will drive in the game winner. Load up the bases for David Ortiz and he will hit a grand slam. How can something so spectacular and heartbreaking be so damn boring? Boston sports of this century has done nothing but lull us with the same old shit.

Philadelphia Eagles 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 20
Oh, Nick Foles, is there anything you can’t do? There are 3 types of quarterbacks in the NFL: those who start [See: Tom Brady, CyboManning], those who start while being prone to injury [See: Michael Vick, RGIII] and those who back up Type II quarterbacks, make an acceptable performance out of it and then burn whichever team that’s gullible enough to give him the keys [See: Kevin Kolb, Matt Cassel]. Nick Foles is a Type III quarterback, tried and true. He hasn’t missed a beat since Vick went down and now people start throwing around the term, “QB Controversy”. If Chip Kelly is dumb enough to trust Foles while he has a totally capable Vick on his bench, you better believe that’ll be his first big mistake. Nick Foles has proven to use that he can play two games in two weeks, but he hasn’t done much more beyond that. The way I see it, he’s just bait to be bitten by some team in greater need. Whether it be because Matt Schaub needs an emergency lobotomy or Ryan Fitzpatrick sets himself on fire is up to the football gods. And the highest bidder.

Dallas Cowboys 31, Washington Redskins 16
You owe it to yourself to look at the box score. It doesn’t make much sense. RGIII out-threw RoboRomo and rushed for twice as many yards as the DeMarco Murray. The point deficit is on the account of RGIII shitting himself every time he sees the 20 yard line. Then he has to waddle to the sideline to wipe it up. He can try to get the ballboy to do it for him, but he only makes the league minimum $35.75 per hour. Bobby needs a sideline bidet.

San Diego Chargers 19, Indianapolis Colts 9
I think our good man Goodell is rigging the primetime games this month. They created marquee matchups with high-flying offenses and got field goal-driven snoozers instead, as to not compete with the MLB playoffs. Who in the right mind would want to watch Nick Novak do his thing for 3 hours is beyond me. Sunday/Monday/Thursday night games in October are played for men that don’t have the attention span for baseball.

Join me next week, when Von Miller gets a 5 game suspension for inhaling compressed air, Tim Tebow watches TV and I may or may not care less about baseball!

-TeeCoZee