Matt Schaub Was Who We Thought He Was [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 5]

The sports gods were having an orgy last Sunday. Whoever thought it was a good idea to air 14 straight hours of Pro Football was a sick genius. And to sprinkle 2 quality baseball playoff games on the same day, well that’s just too much. One major blessing about this marathon was that there were only two games in the 4:00 slot. But I still spent that 3 hours with the remote in my hand, flipping back and forth to the shootout between the Broncos and Cowboys and the slugfest that was the Cardinals and Pirates. This sports overload is exhausting me. It’s not relenting. I’m tired. Let’s just get this over with.

Cincinnati Bengals 13, New England Patriots 6
For the first time in recent memory, the Networks didn’t get what they wanted. The story was repeated ad nauseam. On a rainy day in Cincinnati, Tom Brady was to make a touchdown pass in his 53rd consecutive game. Doing that was imperative so that next Sunday night, amidst the stench of Faith Hill boning Tony Dungee in a broom closet, Tom Brady could go up against Drew Brees, the man that holds the record of 54 consecutive touchdown games. All one would have to do is point out this history-tying matchup and everybody would be up in arms, prepared to say “fuck off” to game 2 of the ALCS. But the clock kept ticking as the rain fell harder. And yet, as a viewer, I’m accustomed to Tom Brady performing these feats of strength. If he can throw 500 touchdowns in a blizzard, sure he can get one in a monsoon. It seemed painfully obvious that he would get one on his last drive. Things like this happen all the time for the benefit of the Network. Instead, it wasn’t Tom Brady that drove down the field, but moreso the Bengals shooting themselves in the foot with countless penalties. And when push came to shove, the ball fell from the sky and landed conveniently in the arms of a ground-struck Pacman Jones. Pacman Jones, the guy who beats up women and plays for the Bengals. TAKE THAT, NBC! NOBODIES GONNA WATCH YOUR STUPID GAME NOW! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

Actually, Saints vs Pats doesn’t sound too bad. Whatever. Shut up.

New Orleans Saints 26, Chicago Bears 18
This game made me happy inside. But I can’t decide what I’m more happy about: the return of Jay Cutler or the return of the Saints defense. In his first 3 games, Jay Cutler was only sacked 3 times and made only 3 turnovers. In his last 2 games, those numbers have doubled. The Bears O-Lines is what I thought it was. The guy is defenseless and the Bears don’t stand a chance for the rest of the season. This make me happy. But it’s the Saint’s defense that has turned itself around. Last season, they failed to pick up the pieces of Bountygate™ and their defense was afraid of doing anything that appeared to be dominant. As a result, their opponents averaged 440 yards and 28 points per game. This season, head coach Sean Payton is back from suspension and he brought along Bob Ryan to take over the defense. And he has made a much bigger difference than he ever did in Dallas. After 5 games, their opponents are averaging 14 points and 330 yards per game. Pound for pound, the Saints are looking like the best team in the NFC. I just find it inspiring to see that the turnover rate of successful NFC teams can be reversed every once in a while and pieces can be picked up in a timely manner.

Cleveland Browns 37, Buffalo Bills 24

Oh, Brian Hoyer, suck a wet bag of cheetah dicks. You broke my heart. I thought you were a good excuse for a bumbling clown, but it turns out you’re a bad excuse for a bumbling clown. A clown that wears an ass for a head. An asshead clown. That’s you, Brian Hoyer. I could have been your #1 fan. I was set and ready to buy a used Tim Couch jersey off ebay and embroider your proper name and number onto it. That’s just how crafty I am and that’s how determined I was that you would be the next big thing. I should’ve listened to my friends. You truly were who they thought you were. Just another face in the crowd, another generic Browns QB for the world to forget about the second you disappear. I can’t believe I wasted digital ink on you. I can’t believe you duped me into rooting for your team. I hate the Browns, I’ve always hated the Browns. How did you trick me into becoming a believer? My skin is turning red from trying to scrub myself clean. I can’t get the stench of the Brown off of me. Now I know how Condoleezza Rice feels. Like a dirty Browns fan. Can’t get clean. Can’t get clean. And every time I close my eyes, I see nothing but your putrid fantasy stat line: 2 completions, 25 yards, no dice, benched for season. Enter Brandon Weeden. Exit my continuing coverage of the Browns.

Philadelphia Eagles 36, Port Authority Giants 21
INT. Generic Dunkin’ Donuts Store, Day

ELI MANNING sheepishly walks up to the counter and gives the CLERK a cautious stare.

Eli [Whispering]: Just a coffee, please. Large.
Clerk: That’ll be $3.21, can I just get your name?
Eli: Umm…name?
Clerk: Yeah, your name. So I know who to give it to.
Eli: Why do you need my name?
Clerk: What is your name, sir?
Eli: Peyton. My name is Peyton.

The clerk takes his money and pauses before turning away.

Clerk: You look familiar.
Eli: No I don’t.
Clerk: Yeah, I’ve seen you before.
Eli: I think you’re thinking of my brother. He looks kind of lik–
Clerk: Wait a minute, you’re the Bozo that robbed the store in Kansas City, aren’t you?!? Yeah, they’ve got your face posted all over the break room!
Eli: Wait, please, I just really need a coffee. I ju–
Clerk: What you really need is a swift kick in the ass!

The clerk reaches underneath the counter and throws a football that hits Eli square in the nose, which he grasps as he runs out of the store.

EXT. Alleyway Outside Of Dunkin’ Donuts
Eli wipes blood away from his face as a GUY passes by.

Eli: Psst. Hey guy.
Guy: What’s up?

Eli pulls out his wallet.

Eli: I need you to go in there and buy me a large coffee.
Guy: What, you can’t buy it yours…holy shit! Holy shit! YOU’RE ELI MANNING!
Eli: In the flesh!

The guy suckerpunches Eli in the gut and runs off with his wallet.

Guy: Go sell some more Oreo’s, fuckbag!!!

5 teardrops roll down Eli’s face as he writhes on the ground.
[/scene]

Green Bay Packers 22, Detroit Lions 9
Here to explain what in the hell happened is my partner in grime, Robby Nast, in “The Lion’s Den”:

Truth be told, my band Gentlemen at Large played a show Saturday night, which led to me being up into the late hours of the night and sleeping through the entire first half of this game. You want more truth? I didn’t miss much. The Packers converted three field goal attempts in the first half and the Lions added one right before halftime. What the Lions did miss, however, was the presence of Calvin Johnson on the field. Big time. He was a last second scratch from the game which seemed to scratch any chance of a “W” for the Lions.

The Lions offense looked like a completely different squad throughout the game and couldn’t get anything going against a Green Bay secondary that had been less than stellar in their first three games of the season. For whatever reason the Lions refused to be creative with Reggie Bush. They just kept trying to run him up the middle. No one must have told offensive coordinator Scott Linehan that Calvin Johnson wasn’t active and that Green Bay was loading up the box all day. The Lions mustered up a measly 286 yards, by far their worst showing of the season. The offensive line, whom had only given up three sacks so far this season, gave up five on Sunday.

All in all, it was a lousy game to watch and I’m happy I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep. On a positive note, the Chicago Bears fell to New Orleans, meaning the Lions remain atop the NFC North for at least one more week. Detroit will be looking to turn things around next week when they go on the road to face off against the Brian Hoyer-less Cleveland Browns. I know Troy, I know. I feel your pain. You had just picked him up off waivers in our fantasy league, beating me to the punch. You know I love me an ex-Michigan State QB as much as the next guy and it broke my heart as I watched him slide to his own demise. Now I’m just hoping someone drops an anvil on Carson Palmer so Drew Stanton can get the starting nod in Arizona.

YOU HEARD IT IN THE DEN: 5 ROARING REALIZATIONS
1. Sunday’s 286 yards for the Lions offense was the fewest since gaining 280 yards verus the Vikings in Week 14 of 2011.
2. A Lambeau Field attendance record was set on Sunday with 78,200 people at the game.
3. Dominic Raiola allegedly verbally abused members of the University of Wisconsin band, which was at Lambeau Field for Sunday’s game.
4. The Lions have not won at Green Bay since 1991. I was eight years old.
5. Lions linebacker DeAndre Levy had a career day as he led the team on Sunday with 14 tackles and 3 tackles for a loss.

Indianapolis Colts 34, Seattle Seahawks 28
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned this season from playing in an office pool, it’s that I have total mind control over the Seahawks. Whether I pick them to win or lose, they will do just that. Take last week for example. It seemed illogical that they would make such a grand comeback in Houston. But lo and behold, I picked them to win, so win they must! [It also helps that Matt Schaub is Matt Schaub, but we’ll get to that later.] This week I picked them to lose because I’m an evil bastard and I wanted to see how far I could bend them. Next week, I’m going to pick them to tie the Titans at home. Then, come Tuesday morning, Russell Wilson will be standing angrily at my doorstep. I’ll have nothing left to say but, “You’re Welcome”.

Kansas City Chiefs 26, Tennessee Titans 17
This season has been batshit insane. More insane than coming home to find your wife in bed with the Kool-Aid Man. That kind of batshit. Both the Chiefs and the Saints are 5-0. Last year, they started at 1-4. The 2012 Chiefs sucked so much, players begged for photos and autographs of their opponents, just so they can have a brush-up with greatness. Old men died after giving up hope in the Chiefs. When was the last time you heard about somebody dying over the ineptitude of a sports team? And even crazier, I legitimately picked the Titans to win this game. Just a by-product of me giving in to the insanity.

Oh, and did I mention that 2 of the last 5 Super Bowl Champs are winless? Also, to shed some symmetry, the Falcons went 5-0 last year and are now 1-4 this year. If you’re a gambler, this season hasn’t been for the weak of wallet…

Denver Broncos 51, Dallas Cowboys 48
If you’re wondering why your favorite team didn’t score that many points this week, it’s because all of them were absorbed to be used on the digital battleground. It appears that CyboManning has met his match. Someone who can’t single-handedly defeat him, but someone who can match his prowess. Someone who can beat him in a duel. Someone who really knows how to drop bombs and not the kind of bombs that you flush down the toilet to attack your high school principal. And just who is this mystery gunslinger that almost felled The CyboManning?

Tony Romo was a normal man, with a normal life. His offensive line was wholly unsupoportive. He couldn’t finish a game for the life of him. And then one day, he ran an experiment that went totally right. In the world of virtual reality, he developed the willpower to control the minds of his linemen. Suddenly, the wall of flesh became impenetrable. Suddenly, he became a God. Suddenly, he became…RoboRomo!!!

So naturally the two Cyborg Gods had themselves a duel. CyboManning played it safe first. He wanted to see what RoboRomo was made of. But he came back with some swift disc throws. Back and forth they went, for 3 straight hours, in one of the closest duels that has ever taken place since the era of Windows 3.1. If only there was more time, RoboRomo could’ve outshot him, but that time was up. For the 5th straight time, CyboManning came up the victor. Kill complete.

On a side note, after writing all these Lawnmower Man-induced parodies, I kind of forgot what the movie was about in the first place.

San Francisco 49ers 34, Houston Texans 3
Guys, stop being so mean to Matt Schaub! It’s not his fault that…ummm…he’s colorblind! You can’t blame a guy for thinking that an opponent is his teammate! Oh wait, yes you can. Hmm. Well…ummm…

…let me restart…

Guys, stop being so mean to Matt Schaub! It’s not his fault that he can’t throw good passes unless he sacrifices a virgin! I mean, have you BEEN to Texas? There’s no virgins as far as the eye can see! In fact, most churches–

No good? Okay…

The only reason why Matt Schaub performs so bad is because we are suddenly expecting him to. NBC’s Sunday Night Football is nothing but hype and a matchup between the Niners and Texans should be able to hype itself. But this is 2013, lest us forget. Neither of them had a winning record. So instead, they try to hype it was a single statistic: Matt Schaub has thrown a pick-6 in 3 straight games. That isn’t a good idea at all. First of all, the prospect of somebody throwing an interception is not a reason to watch a football game. They’re expecting fans to sit there on the edge of their seats, waiting to see if he fucks up or not. That’s not why we enjoy sports! Just let the poor guy play! Of course he’s going to succumb to a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s like saying, “Phil Dawson is a wonderfully efficient kicker. But he has never made a field goal while his wife is on her period!” HE’S GOING TO MISS THE FUCKING FIELD GOAL!

So imagine that you’re Matt Schaub. Nobody on TV is able to mention your name without saying pick-6. Everybody is expecting you to throw one. So what do you do on your first pass attempt of the game?

Fuck you very much, Al Michaels. You just caused him to break a record!

New York Ets 30, Atlanta Falcons 28
Monday was a bad night to be an Atlanta fan. At the bottom of the 8th, with the Braves up 3-2 in Game 3 of the NLDS, Juan Uribe knocked in a 2-run homer to get the Dodgers lead and eventual victory. As the Dodgers move on the the NLCS, one has to wonder what is going on in Atlanta. It’s the curse of Michael Vick. Since the dogfighting scandal, Atlanta teams have hardly been able to advance in any playoff format (to my knowledge, the Falcons won one, as did the Hawks). The Braves had a good season, don’t get me wrong, but I knew from the beginning of August that their championship hopes will be crushed like Tim Hudson’s foot, by the Mets. So I was half right. Don’t blame me. I thought the Mets were gonna rally!

Oakland Raiders 27, San Diego Chargers 17
Still reeling from watching 10 consecutive hours of SPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSSPORTSPORTS, I forced myself to turn on this turd-fest. At that point the score was already 17-0 in favor of the Raiders. I watched for 30 seconds until I heard Dan Fouts utter the words, “It’s my body, I’ll speak it any way I want!”. At that point I abandoned all hope and went to bed.

Join me next week when Matt Schaub takes a snap for the wrong team and throws a pick-6 for the Texans.

-TeeCoZee