Introducing: Buttfumble 2.0 [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 4]

This is supposed to be the time of year that I fall into that Golden Zone. Bye weeks are starting and I’ve reached the level where I can watch 9 hours of football without feeling like my eyes are bleeding. This is around the time that some of the better roundups come from. But this attention span is slowly being teared away. The MLB Postseason has started. With 2-4 games a day. And the NHL season is here. And I have the subscription. And there’s just so much hockey to watch. AND THERE’S TOO MUCH HOCKEY TO WATCH. And I can’t help but throw two TVs in front of my face with Baseball in my left eye and Hockey in my right, for the proper balance of stimulation. But one eye moves faster than the other. I’m dizzyingly conflicted by SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS! Where am I going to find time for football?!?!?

Oh wait. I can just alienate all my friends! Problem solved!

San Francisco 49ers 35, St Louis Rams 11
I told myself that I wouldn’t discuss it again, but I’m still agitated by the NFL Network. Just watching the 3rd quarter of the Rams and Niners game made me want to eat a bunch of clams and puke it into a chowder broth. And eat the chowder with a spoon made of rotting chicken bone. That mental image effectively portrays what the NFL Network is doing to us week by week. Their presentation looks like a grade in between Preseason Football on a local ABC Affiliate and the High School Football Semifinals on Fox Sports Omaha. Brad Nessler and Paul Burmeister are the fuggin’ worst. Even when the game is blown out, they can’t muster up things to talk about. It’s just dead-air silence and then a couple of comments about “The RGIII Trade”. What RGIII trade?!?!? What, so the Rams trade away their 2nd overall draft pick last year and everyone assumes that they would’ve taken RGIII, even though they already invested so much into Sam Bradford? Is that even a question? Would RGIII even make the Rams a better team? Why did they find that to be the most interesting thing to talk about for 10 minutes? Who the hell are these clowns? And even worse, next Sunday’s game of the Raiders and Chargers has been moved to 11:35 PM. So now the NFL Network gets to broadcast TWO games in a week! That’s got to be better for football, right? RIGHT?!?

Kansas City Chiefs 31, Port Authority Giants 7
From The Kansas City Star:

A bumbling burglar bungled his own burgle Saturday night in Overland Park. Shortly after closing at 11PM, the Dunkin’ Donuts at 7446 Metcalf Ave. was broken into. County Police discovered that over 15 footballs were used in attempt to break through the front window. But it appears that it wasn’t cash that the burgular was looking for. Security camera footage caught the perpetrator attempting horribly to make his own coffee. He eventually became startled and hightailed it in a 2010 black Toyota Camry, with a 20 lb bag of decaf coffee in tow. Police initially started the chase down Shawnee Mission Parkway, but were not successful in catching him before crossing state lines. In the process, the perpetrator left a trail of coffee grounds, which police believe was his paltry attempt at destroying the evidence. He is still at large and was last seen crying in the parking lot behind Arrowhead Stadium. If you have any information, please call the Merriam Police Dept at 322-5560

Seattle Seahawks 23, Houston Texans 20 [OT]
Top 5 Things You Should Know About This Game

5) Richard Sherman plays better with one shoe
4) JJ Watt plays worse with a bloody nose, but he prefers it that way. But he also hates losing, so who knows what he really wants out of life.
3) Russell Wilson is the Barry Sanders of this generation. He can run around in a circle 720˚ and still find a hole to gain 12 yards.
2) Matt Shchaub is the Vinny Testaverde of this generation. He can throw a pick-6 for 3 consecutive games and still keep his job.
1) For the first time in franchise history, the Seattle Seahawks are 4-0. Lock your doors and hide your Skittles.

Detroit Lions 40, Chicago Bears 32
The game wasn’t as close as it appeared. Don’t take it from me, take it from my partner in grime, Robby Nast. Here’s the Week 4 edition of “The Lion’s Den”:

Admittedly I was a bit worried last week to see the 3-0 Chicago Bears atop the NFC North. No, my concern didn’t stem from my Lions being in second place with at 2-1. Not at all. I was worried about Jay Cutler. I hadn’t seen him show up for any games yet this season. What had happened to the former Vanderbilt stand out? Was he OK? Could he have been abducted by Brian Urlacher? Perhaps in spiteful revenge for not being offered a contract? Did Love Smith have him offed for quitting on the team in the NFC championship game? All I knew was one thing, Jay Cutler has not been on the field this season. To be honest with you, I don’t even like Jay Cutler, but being the compassionate guy I am, I at least wanted to know that he was alive.

I tried not to think about it too much as I was shopping for groceries Sunday morning before kickoff. Then I saw it, and my fear for Cutler’s disappearance was confirmed. I was in the dairy aisle and saw a milk carton with his picture on it. He was indeed missing, and as far as I could figure the rest of the NFC North teams must have come together to get his picture out there. So, with Cutlers absence fresh on my mind I finished up the rest of my shopping before heading home to watch Detroit and Chicago battle it out for first place.

The game started off in a defensive slugfest. Both teams exchanged field goals in the 1st. The 2nd quarter started out with a momentum shift for the bears as Matt Forte danced his way into the end zone, untouched, giving the Bears a 10-6 lead. The Lions would settle for a David Akers field goal (still seems odd without Jason Hanson) before Stafford finally pushed the Lions into the end zone on a goal line sneak.

Then, FINALLY, my worries were put to rest. THE JAY CUTLER WE ALL KNOW SO WELL SHOWED UP!!! At first I didn’t want to get overly excited after Chicago’s QQ threw a terrible pass that was intercepted by Glover Quin. I almost picked up my phone and called Coze to let him in on the news, but I thought I’d better wait for more concrete evidence. After the turnover, the Lions capitalized on the bone-headed play when Stafford hit Calvin Johnson on a beautiful pass in the back of the end zone. The Lions had scored 14 points in 21 seconds and would never look back in this one. They’d go on to score 27 of their 40 points in the second quarter, demolishing the Bears in a game with a final score that was much closer than it really was.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. It WAS Jay Cutler playing on Sunday. Following that first interception, he would go on to throw two more interceptions, both to Louis Delmas, AND fumble the football on a hit from Suh. The fumble was recovered by “Little” Nicky Fairley and returned to the end zone. Finally, the bad decision making, sulky, ill-tempered, moody, cry baby quarterback for the Bears was back and playing to his natural abilities. Can we all just accept Jay Cutler for what he is? He’s a starting caliber NFL quarterback who simply can’t keep it together mentally throughout most games. Now that he’s finally back for the Bears I look for Chicago to eventually fall out of the race in the NFC North.

YOU HEARD IT IN THE DEN: 5 ROARING REALIZATIONS
1) Reggie Bush (254 rush and 179 receiving), is the 2nd Lions player with at least 250 yards and 175 receiving yards in September. The other, Billy Sims in 1980. He is on pace for 2,165 total yards. [ED Note: And that’s after only 2 games]
2) Matthew Stafford has taken just 3 sacks among 159 drop backs (1.9%) which is good for the best sack rate in the NFL.
3) The touchdown Nick Fairley scored on a fumble recovery was his first score since he played tight end in high school. Afterwards, Fairley and Suh tried to jump and bump chests on the sideline and Fairley knocked Suh right on his backside. Suh had this to say after, “That belly overtook everything.”
4) The Lions scored 40 points versus the Bears, the most they’ve scored against them since scoring 55 in 1997. [ED Note: Thanksgiving, to be exact. And they were actually losing 17-20 at halftime.] It’s the first time an opponent has scored 40 points against the Bears since the Cardinals in 2009.
5) Lions quarterback, Matthew Stafford, is now the most prolific passer in NFL history through 50 games. He has 14,069 yards through 49 games, surpassing Kurt Warner (13, 864) for the best 50-game career start.

Cleveland Browns 17, Cincinnati Bengals 6
Who’s the Brown, you ask? Why, it’s Brian Hoyer! We should all know who Brian Hoyer is. He’s the sleeper of the season. Every team is going to look at their schedule, see the Cleveland Browns on it and laugh sinisterly. Fast-forward to that unprepared defense being on the field, they all shout out, “Oh shit! It’s Brian Hoyer! Nooooooo!!!!!”, as Hoyer throws a 200 yard shovel pass to himself, while stomping every defender in his path. He spikes the ball onto somebody’s soon-to-be-mutilated-by-Brian-Hoyer’s-spike face, lights a stogie and exclaims, “Damn Skippy!”. Then everybody gets way laid. Even Phil Dawson. I have absolutely no evidence to back this up, but I’m just saying…Brian Hoyer…

Tennessee Titans 38, New York Ets 13
Oh, you Jets! You never fail to entertain me. Just when I thought you all reached your peak last year, with Mark Sanchez’s infinite bumbletude, you give us the gift of Geno Smith. He’s like Mark Sanchez, but doesn’t get royalties from GQ. He’s another face in the crowd, throwing an interception on his first throw of the game. Failing to find any receiver that isn’t Santonio Holmes. And most of all, he isn’t afraid to reinvent something as memorable and celebrated as The Buttfumble. In the 4th quarter, he brought us The Buttfumble 2.0. It performs the essential function of a buttfumble, but with a little more dignity. Instead of fumbling off of someone else’s butt, he fumbles off his own, which has proven to be less embarrassing and more hygienic. He also chose to Buttfumble in the endzone, which takes away the humiliation of the 300lb lineman stumbling untouched for 30 yards. This upgrade makes your teammates seem less bumbling. All in all, Geno Smith took something that was funny and made it so that we can laugh with him, not at him. And in the industry [the industry of hating the Jets], we call that “progress”. So here’s to you, Geno! May you go on to fumble off more butts for years to come!

San Diego Chargers 30, Dallas Cowboys 21
I just spent the last 50 minutes trying to think of something to say about the Chargers. In that time period, I did the following: Made some cigarettes, did 20 pushups, took some vitamins, looked up Antonio Gate’s age, contemplated masturbation, decided not to masturbate, looked at my fantasy football team, made some changes to my fantasy football team, browsed OKCupid, started to write a message to a cute Jewish girl, realized that she hates coffee and beards, deleted said message, died a little inside, captured picture of Phillip Rivers bumping into Ed Hochuli, laughed a little, started to write a message to some redhead, realized that she was really into voting and the Red Sox, deleted said message, died a little inside, contemplated masturbation, tried to figure out why some of my albums on iTunes are split up for no apparent reason, fixed the track listings on LCD Soundsystem’s self-titled, realized that I still have nothing to say about the Chargers, wrote this.

Denver Broncos 52, Philadelphia Eagles 20
At halftime, the score was 21-13 and I wondered why the hell the score wasn’t more lopsided. As the final dictates, the Eagles didn’t stand a chance, in the same ways that they don’t stand a chance against anything in life. I don’t know where Chip Kelly has gone wrong, but the Eagles defense is one of the worst that I’ve seen in a long time. It’s got more holes than the plot of The Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace. In speaking of Man’s, CyboManning is becoming unstoppable. He may believe that he’s God, but at this rate, we all might start believing him. Cybo threw 28/34, which is disgusting. And now that he has the help of Wes Welker, The Cybo Army isn’t going to be stopped this year. Not by Pierce Brosnan, not by Austin O’Brien, not by anybody. Cybo’s going to pick fights and make up games, just so he can win 20+. And who would argue him? The FBI? Fuck it. 2013 is the year of CyboManning. And Papa Johns pizza. CyboPoppa is in the house!

New England Patriots 30, Atlanta Falcons 23
In speaking of robots and Wes Welker, Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth would not stop whining about how much Tom Brady misses him. They spent the entire game waxing on and on about how Tom doesn’t have any marquee receivers left, he has no receiving Tight End, his haircut makes him look like Phillip Rivers, his neck beard is growing back, he has no marquee receivers left, blah, blah blah his pants are too tight blah. And while they were spending all of this time feeling sorry for him, Tommy went out and won the game. It doesn’t matter how terrible the receivers are, the QB can still force them to catch the ball. That’s just what good QBs do. It’s their job. It’s the Phillip Rivers effect. You can bring in a ragtag gang of rookies every year and as long as the QB is a future Hall of Famer, those rookies will do just fine. Tom could be throwing balls to corpses and he’d still fare better than Matt Ryan. LL Cool J’s character from In The House, Marion Hill, could fare better than Matt Ryan. Al Michaels could fare better than Matt Ryan. I don’t know what he’d fare better at, but believe me, he’d do it. Lesson of the week: Matt Ryan is a chump.

Other chumps around the league include all of the fans in London, who were subjected to watching the Vikings get their first victory over the winless Steelers, 34-27. Fun Fact: Of all the QBs that were drafted in the 1st round of 2004, only Phillip Rivers has recorded a victory this year [I say 1st round because Matt Schaub was a 3rd round sleeper]. He’s also the only one without a Super Bowl ring. But the fact that the Steelers and Giants are 0-4 makes me giddy inside, just knowing that I won’t have to see either of them in the postseason.

Join me next week when Santonio Holmes catches a pass with his butt cheeks, Eli Manning buys a gun and Andy Dalton loses his virginity…for the second time!

-TeeCoZee