Eli Manuel Plays The Boos [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 3]
Monday night, CyboManning decimated the Oakland Raiders. The only surprising fact about this is that they scheduled the Broncos and Raiders to play Monday Night Football. Were they afraid of competing with Breaking Bad Reruns? The A’s-Angels game? Dancing With The Stars? What gives, ESPN? Even the NFL Network can make up a better matchup than that!
Kansas City Chiefs 26, Philadelphia Eagles 16
Wait, no they can’t. I’m probably encouraging them, but I find it to be cute how NFL Network goes for long winded connections to make Thursday Night Football seem watchable. “The Patriots and the Jets play in the same division. That means that they’re RIVALS!”, “The Rams and The 49ers are both 1-2! Which one of these BITTER DIVISION RIVALS will walk away 2-2?!?”, and “The Bills and the Browns are both connected by the same highway. THEY ALSO SHARE FUCKING LAKE EERIE! It’s the battle of I-90 tonight on Thursday Night Football” are some of the shameless plot lines to the NFL Network’s mess of a flagship program. Nobody actually wants to watch these games, but if there’s also a lack of baseball on Thursdays, you might as well tune in. The fact that the Chiefs are 3-0 and it was Andy Reid’s return to Philly bared no actual reason as to why people tuned in. Simply put, if football is placed in front of a male, the male will watch said football. It’s science. Unarguable.
But wait, the Chiefs are 3-0?!?!?
Top 5 Things That Are Shocking Me Right Now
5) The Chiefs are 3-0
4) Jamaal Charles is still alive and averaging over 4 yards per carry
3) It’s not butter
2) Alex Smith actually has a winning record in career starts [41-36-1]
1) The Kansas City Chiefs of Kansas City are 3-0
Let the madness ensue…
Carolina Panthers 38, Port Authority Giants 0
Little Eli wakes up in a cold sweat. The clock reads 8:21. Sunday morning. Just enough time to hit up Dunkin’ Donuts® before heading to the stadium. But, oh no, he had planned it all wrong. He’s not in Jersey anymore. He’s in Charlotte, the land of Starbucks and Java Joe’s. Finding a Dunkin’ Donuts® in Charlotte is more difficult than figuring out why you came to Charlotte in the first place. Eli panics. He can’t start his game without a taste of that Dunkin’®. After doing some thorough research, Eli figures out his 3 options, all of them equidistant to Bank of America Stadium: 1831 South Blvd, 709 South Kings Dr, and 231 N Graham St. 1831 South Blvd sports a faded, hand-painted Dunkin Donuts® sign. From the inside, one can tell that it hasn’t been patronized since the “The To Make The Donuts™” days. The man behind the counter won’t stop laughing menacingly, as he blasts hairspray in all directions. No-go. The clerk at 709 South Kings Dr accuses him of being a Pinko upon his order of a Coolata™ and proceeds to throw every other racial slur at him, which makes no sense at all. And, to Eli’s dismay, 231 N Graham St has just burned to the ground, while firefighters enthusiastically motion for Eli to “Suck It” as he drives away. This is to be Eli’s fate: he must play without his Dunkin’®. No Coolata™, no Spiced Apple Pumpkin Cappuccino™, no Key Lime Vanilla Espresso™, not even a gosh darned coffee. Eli spends Sunday in a haze, as action happens all around him, he cannot participate at all. And the only fans that he has left in the stadium boo him insufferably.
Little Eli goes to Sensei Coughlin and asks, “Are they booing me?”
He replies, “No, they’re saying boo. Boooooooooooooooo.”
Little Eli dies a little inside.
Tennessee Titans 20, Sand Diego Chargers 17
I can pretend to be heartbroken about this lame excuse for a game, but I had made my peace before the game began. The Chargers are a bankrupt joke. Philly Rivs can’t throw the ball to himself. His top target is Eddie Royal, who couldn’t even make Tebow look good. Antonio Gates is subscribing to AARP Magazine. Not only did their anemic defense allow Jake Locker rush for 64 yards, but they also allowed him to drive 94 yards for the game-winning touchdown. For Jake Locker, this is an improvement, as his own parents won’t even let him drive 94 yards in the family pickup truck. Jake Locker sucks at driving. And the Chargers were dumb enough to give him the keys. Expect the same bullshit to happen all year long, as the Chargers continue their quest to suck as much as humanly possible, in hopes of being moved to LA, where they can actually gain something called “revenue”…
Detroit Lions 27, Washington Redskins 20
Back for another season is our Lion’s correspondent, Robby Nast, in his column, “The Lion’s Den”:
The Detroit Lions bounced back from last week’s tough 4th quarter collapse to defeat the Redskins, improving their record to 2-1. It’s hard to believe [well maybe not if you are a Lions fan] that this was Detroit’s FIRST VICTORY EVER against Washington on the road. I think defensive tackle C.J. Mosley said it best: “That 0-21 ain’t something nobody likes or looks forward to. To get a monkey that big off your back, you can’t be nothing but happy.” It’s also hard to believe that Washington was a play-off team just a season ago.
This one didn’t start as planned for the Lions, as Matt Stafford had an interception returned for a touchdown, giving Washington their first points of the game. However, Detroit’s gunslinger quickly recovered from a rough first quarter and started to hit on all cylinders. Stafford connected with eight different receivers with both Calvin Johnson and Nate Burleson tallying more than one hundred yards receiving. He finished the day fifteen yards shy of four hundred passing yards with two touchdowns. In three games this season, he has already thrown for 1,020 yards and 6 TD’s. That puts him on pace to throw well over 5,000 yards, something he’s already accomplished in his young career. As well as Matthew played, it wasn’t only him and the receiving corps that had a big day. The Lion’s second-string running back Joique Bell, who was filling in for the injured Reggie Bush, had quite the beastly day. His stats don’t tell the story, as he only tallied 63 yards and one touchdown, but he battled hard the entire game. His touchdown run was something of physical beauty as he pummeled through multiple Redskins on his way into the end zone. Rookie tight end Joseph Fauria got into the fun as well after he hauled in one of Stafford’s end zone strikes. His touchdown celebration was the best I’ve seen this season as he busted out some of the dance choreography from the *NYSNC “Bye Bye Bye” video.
It was relieving to see the offense operate efficiently without Reggie Bush. Obviously, everyone wants Reggie Bush on the field. We all have seen what this offense can do with him out there, but the Lions still need to be able to move the chains when and if he’s injured and cannot play. They certainly were able to accomplish that in this week’s victory. Next week the Chicago Bears come to town, in what will be a battle of the NFC North’s top two teams. The Lions will be looking to hand Chicago their first loss of the season while also trying to stay undefeated in their conference. My key matchup of the game is Jay Cutler against Detroit’s “Nasty Boys” Defensive front. Even though they unfortunately lost Jason Jones to a knee injury this week, Fairley, Suh and rookie Ziggy Ansah will be looking to get into Cutler’s comfort zone.
Miami Dolphins 27, Atlanta Falcons 23
It now appears to be true that the Dolphins have earned their membership to The Shitty Teams That Don’t Suck Club. Out of the woodwork, Ryan Tannehill has real live targets. Brian Hartline is stepping up his game this year, while the addition of Mike Wallace and Brandon Gibson add some much-needed depth. On paper, it makes sense that they’re 3-0, but it could be 3-0 going on 5-11. Tannehill has not been tried and true and if they win their 4th or 5th in a row, the word “elite” is going to get thrown around, which’ll send him into a spiral, where he’ll go the way of so many other 3-0 QBs of the past. Perhaps if nobody notices that the Dolphins are doing good, the season won’t get jinxed. Then we’ll wake up on a freezing January afternoon, perplexed as to why Tannehill is racking up 400+ yards on the Bronco’s defense. And it won’t be until then that we realize that it didn’t have to be this way. The only way to prevent it is by doing it now. Let me lead the charge.
RYAN TANNEHILL IS AN ELITE QUARTERBACK. HE COULD KICK OBAMA’S ASS, AS WELL AS YOUR DAD’S. IF YOU DISAGREE WITH ME, YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THINGS HAPPENING. #FINNNNZZZ4LYFE
New York Ets 27, Buffalo Bills 20
I know why D-Millions was too sad to “Pay’um Bills” this week. I’ve seen a lot of football in my day, but this was by far one of the most sloppy games ever played. It was one of those times that you had to step back and repeat to yourself that you are watching professionals at work. Typically, abominations like these occur due to weather and playing field circumstances, but all was clear and well in the Meadowlands. To put it simply, there was one point in the 3rd quarter when the Bills had gained more yards from penalties than they did from total offense. The Bill’s game plan relied on Stevie Johnson pissing off defenders and drawing fouls, which works perfectly well, if the Bills were an NBA team. All in all, the Bill’s rookie QB, EJ Manuel, looked extremely uncomfortable. You could tell that he was planning on benchwarming all season. But the Bills are a desperate team, and they have no oven to put him in. Unless, of course, they pick up Tebow. Which…ummm…yeah, that sounds about right…
Denver Broncos 37, Oakland Raiders 21
No, this game wasn’t as close as the score dictates. And no, I didn’t watch it. I had more important things to do, like eating hoagies and shooting dice. Here again to pick up the slack is BFD’s resident Houston Oilers fan in his column, “Oiling The Pigskin, w/ Joey Z”:
Not all Mondays are created equal, and on this particular past Monday I found myself sitting at the shittiest bar in Midtown; so shitty that it resembled a lampoon of the shittiest bar in Midtown. As I sat among decorative surfboards and drank a flat Pacifico from a Bud Light glass while the bemused barmaid traded paltry pick-up lines with a band of Jager-bombed suits, all I wanted was to watch one of three concurrent sporting events: Mets vs. Reds, Tigers vs. Twins, or Pirates vs. Cubs.
One of the crowning achievements of a bad bar is a consistently inattentive bartender, and thus not only could I not address my flat beer grievances, but was forced to sit, transfixed, on the Raiders Broncos game?! What the fuck?!?!
Yo, fuck football, for one. I don’t give a shit about that shit. If I’m watching football, I want it to be XFL, and I want to be PLAYING that shit. I want to be pulling face masks into the mud and kicking fathers in the groin and smashing ribs with brass knuckles. I want it to be sleeting blood and I want the stadium filled with one hundred thousand roaring ogres. This Peyton Manning hand-clapping bullshit is, well, bullshit.
Okay, but that said, that shit was an impeccably crafted tally in the W slot for Peyton and the boys. Move over Michael Vick, yo, cuz apparently Peyton spent all that time that would have otherwise been committed to teaching dogs how to bite throwing footballs through a tire swing (most likely off the back of a yacht cruising 40 knots off the coast of Curacao) in the off-season. Dude’s got mad spirals, Papi!
What’s up with Von Miller, though? 6-game suspension for lying about drugs he took? What drugs did he take? Where can I get some? Aren’t drugs legal in Denver? Don’t they call it Mile High Stadium? And what’s the deal with airplane peanuts? Are they sealed with titanium?! I just flew in from Chicago and boy are my arms tired!
Alright, enough of that shit! Get the hell out of my office! NOW!
Dallas Cowboys 31, St Louis Rams 7
The following piece of film evidence effectively portray’s DeMarco Murray’s dominance over the Rams’ defense:
At 175 rushing yards [203 all-purpose], he was close to surpassing the entire Rams offense. If he can stay as consistent as he was last season, he’s going to be the spark of relief that Tony Romo sorely needs. He’s no longer carrying the team on his shoulders, which makes him prone to make less mistakes. That’s not to say that Romo can’t get the job done, he’s totally serviceable. But history has proven that he can’t do it all on his own. Troy Aikman wasn’t a great QB at all. He was just as prone to shitting the bed as Romo is. We don’t remember Aikman being a bad QB because he had Emmett Smith by his side, being the second part to his offense. Finally, Tony Romo has another half to his strategy. A rusher that’s explosive enough to make big plays, while he calculates what happens in between. Of course, the ’13 Cowboys pale in comparison to their ’93 counterparts, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t make a serious playoff run. For the first time in as long as I can recall, the NFC East is becoming the most uncompetitive division in football. The winner could come out 6-10 and nobody would be surprised. Going beyond that, there’s no singular team of dominance in the NFC right now. Name any team to me and I can tell you why they have no championship hopes. It may only be September, but when the Cowboys are playing in February, I’m going to raise my hand and state that I once said that the scenario wasn’t an impossibility…
Indianapolis Colts 27, San Francisco 49ers 7
Be honest with yourself. Did you actually think that the Niners were going to repeat last year’s success? Did you really think that Kaepernick would’ve remained unpredictable to NFL defenses? Was there any doubt in your mind that coaches wouldn’t subject their players to hundreds of hours of game film to learn what the Niners specifically did to make things “work”? Did you think they would get away with the same exact play patterns, without any desire to switch things up or reinvent themselves? Did you really expect their defense to hold it together while multiple players go through personal issues? Did you even expect them to have a winning season? Don’t fret about it. We were all duped by the Harbaugh aura. That little unspeakable presence that assures us the person know’s what he’s doing, all while panicking frantically on the inside. In this sport, nobody likes a Cinderella team. They aren’t going to face a single opponent that will go against them unprepared. For reference, just look at the 2011/2012 Lions. They have a breakout season, so every 2012 opponent came at them over-prepared. What Harbaugh has to do to carry his team in the future is to throw all previous strategies out the window. He has to start from square one and he must do so in a quiet fashion.
In speaking of upset, The NFC North took a beating this week. In a head-turner, the Bengals defense held Aaron Rodgers to a palsy [for him] 244 passing yards in a 34-30 win over the Packers. Not too far from there, a laughable matchup turned into the game of the week, when the Browns outshot the Vikings, 31-27. Brian Hoyer, owner of one of the coolest names on the planet, made his first start something to remember. With 321 yards and 3 TDs, he might be the breath of fresh air that the Browns sorely need. And with the way the AFC North is going, well, they might be contending? That’s the kind of season it’s been so far. Out of the 16 games this week, 10 of them could be considered upsets. So what does this all mean for you? It means that the quiet Indian IT Guy that knows nothing about football is going to win the Pick ‘Em Office Pool. Get used to it, bucko.
Join me next week, when I explain how the Dolphins can get 5 wins after playing 4 games and Marshawn Lynch has a season-ending car accident while eating a burrito.