The Art Of Falling Down And Going Boom [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2013 Week 2]

It was a long and tumultuous summer, there’s no denying that. An air conditioning deficiency was so dramatic that even my skin got armpit stains. You can’t change your skin, that’s unfortunately not possible. I would if I could. Regardless, I spent the entire summer in a delirious haze, glued to the couch watching baseball. I’m a man that craves action, excitement and derps, but somehow a slow sport like baseball was right up my alley. I couldn’t put words down on paper to explicate my love for it, but it was there. And even last week, as our NFL season kicked off, I couldn’t help but groan in agony of my desire to watch baseball instead. But the sea change happened Sunday night. With Edinson Volquez on the mound for the Dodgers, I needed him to seal the victory in order to seal my own. Of course that didn’t happen. A surprisingly dominant performance was wasted away in the later innings, as the Giants snuck away with the win. And so ended my fantasy baseball season. While the NL Central nears it’s way towards an all-out bloodbath, nobody knows who’s actually going to come away with an AL Wild Card spot and I, for the first time in months, found myself not giving a shit. As I walked by a bar window, I could see Colin Kaepernick and the Niners holding their way to a safety and I wondered, “What the hell’s going on there?”. A cold wind blasted me in the face. Tourists walked by overdressed. I couldn’t help but smile.

FOOTBALL IS BACK, BITCHES!

Atlanta Falcons 31, St Louis Rams 24
Julio Jones, ladies and jerks! Football watcher, Butter Knife Gates, was quoted saying “Drop it like it’s hot. Or in this case, cold”. This doesn’t make any sense, especially considering that he said this about Julio Jones. Against the Ram’s placebo defense, he posted 11 catches for 182 yards. He only missed 3 targets on the day. He’s not dropping shit. If anything, he’s dropping the bullshit and carrying the weight that the Falcon’s offense has created. The bumbling trio of Steven Jackson, Jacquizz Rodgers and Michael TurnerJason Snelling stumbled their way to a total of 36 yards. Their defense made Sam Bradford look like Drew Brees. They are a team of many problems, which puts them far below the last 5 years, when they were the “unbeatable” team that could never advance in the playoffs. Now it’s doubtful that they’ll even finish .500. Unless Julio Jones multiplies. That’d be pretty cool, I guess…

Arizona Cardinals 25, Detroit Lions 21
I’m going to steal this rare opportunity to talk about the Lions. If you asked me last week what their biggest key to success is, I would’ve stated that Reggie Bush needs to stay healthy. Now he’s had 2 minor injuries in 2 games. My projections aren’t going to work. Which made me think even harder about the Lion’s conundrum. They have a large concentration of talent, there’s no doubt about that. This isn’t the case of the Lions of old. And it’s not like they’re playing terribly. I see a sense of Team Effort™ when they take the field. It’s just that all of their efforts have been mired by penalties. It has nothing to do with referee bias, as some may accuse. They are rowdy and undisciplined, which would work out pleasantly if they were the ’88 Eagles. But they’re not. They’re the ’13 Lions, playing in a world where officials give 2 shits about dirty play. No matter how many times they blow the game with meandering sloppiness, they never seem to learn their lesson. This is because Jim Schwartz is a P.U.S.S.Y.! Just look at him. The guy couldn’t intimidate a cockroach. Talented teams are more disciplined when they have a hard-nosed coach. And disciplined teams win championships. Bill Belichick? Hardass. Al Davis? Hardass. Bill Cowher? Hardass. Joe Paterno? You better believe that he’s Mr Hardass Deluxe. Jim just seems like the kind of guy that gets beat by his wife. Like there’s blood involved, beat. Like the neighbors will call the cops and when they bust down the door, they’re watching a video of her beating him on full blast. As Fish 2000 speculates, “He likes it that way. He’s forgotten what real pleasure feels like”. Considering the circumstances, he couldn’t be more right…

San Diego Super Chargers 33, Philadelphia Eagles 30
If the year was 2009, this would be a Super Bowl preview. But now it’s a glimpse into a Super Bowl that has never/will never happen. Ron Mexico and Philly Rivs are both past their prime, clinging to a dream, still relying on their long withstanding sidekicks, DeSean Jackson and Antonio Gates. They can lie to themselves all they want, which is easy when playing against a defense that has more holes than my Talking Heads 1980 Tour T-Shit [about 11]. The Chargers and Eagles should play each other more often. Their deficiencies make better compliments than challenges. Watching them play is like watching Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair fight. It’s even-matched, as they both vie to grasp for the limelight they once owned. Rolling around on the mat, their greasy titties making sweat marks on the fabric, faces writhing in a mixture of pain and more pain. It’s entertaining to watch the spectacle, but they’ll never see a main event card again.

Chicago Bears 31, Minnesota Vikings 30
Something’s wrong with Jay Cutler. He’s losing weight. He’s not getting sacked or hurried as much. He’s making game-winning drives. Something’s awry. He’s not the same person. He’s a ringer. He’s Jay Cutter, the premium imitation of Jay Cutler. He makes Jay Cutler seem like Jay Cutter Lite. The real question is, where is the REAL Jay Cutler? Did he move to Albuquerque? Is he hiding in the shadows? Is he running a deli in Philadelphia? Or is he hiding in plain sight, waiting for the right moment to reappear and ruin the Bear’s season? I choose the latter, as he’s done it before [see: 2008 Denver Broncos].

Buffalo Bills 24, Carolina Panthers 23
Back again for the 2013 Season is our Bills correspondent, D-Million’s, with “Pay’um Bills w/ DJ Million Skymalls”:

Optimum Cable + Internet: $104.95
Con-Ed: $83.72 [estimated]
National Grid: $10.22
Rent: $695
Mastercard Ending in 9678: $45 [Minimum]
Visa Ending in 4771: $30 [Minimum]
Sports Illustrated For Kids: $19.99 [auto-renew]
Maid: $250 [plus tip]
Minute Maid: $1.99 [quart, orange]
BMG Music Club: $24.99 [plus Album Of The Month®]
Calendar of the Month Club: $10.49
Hulu+: $7.99
Buffalo Bills Fan Club Dues: $99.99

Well, I’m glad SOMEBODY is excited for the football season!

New England Patriots 13, New York Ets 10
Mets fans just don’t know what’s good for them. Last month, when they traded away John Buck and Marlon Byrd to the Pirates, everyone was convinced that the sky was falling. People grunted and mumbled at the sound of their names. They were convinced that the franchise had jumped the shark and the season was definitely over. Well, of course the season was over, sure, but the trade wasn’t the end of the world. Those guys were going to be free agents at the end of the season. The Mets were better off getting something for them and spending the remaining 6 weeks of the season observing their prospects. All in all, the Mets are a very young franchise and the only way that they can grow is by getting rid of the riff-raff. And now that Moonshot Slugger Supreme™, David Wright, is ready to come off the DL, every Mets fan is slapping their foreheads, wondering what the point is. The point is that so he doesn’t have an extra month’s worth of rust on him. Simple. Mets fans just don’t know what’s good for them.

Buick Manning 41, Dunkin Doughnuts Manning 23
Buick cars get you from point A to point B. Dunkin’ Donuts gets you from hungry to queasy. A Buick will drive you to the game in luxurious fashion, so you can be prepared for a swift victory. Dunkin’ Donuts coffee rots in your gut, causing you to have a bad case of the second half pickoffs. Buicks enable you to drive to coffee shops that are better than Dunkin’ Donuts. Dunkin’ Donuts will allow you to go to Dunkin’ Donuts but will not let you “go”, as most locations do not have a public restroom. Buick has a spokesman that effectively highlights the product’s features and is able to make a good joke or two in the process. Dunkin’ Donuts has a spokesman that does nothing but try to dupe the team’s brainless fan base that he goes to Dunkin’ Donuts before every game and that’s why he plays so well. And the marketing actually works for them, which is even sadder. In the end, it was the Buick spokesman that came away with the easy victory. If you want to dig deeper into advertising analogies, I can go on for hours about how pizza is better than wristwatches…

Houston Texans 30, Tennessee Oilers 24 [OT]
Two words, one man: DeAndre Hopkins. Who the fuck is DeAndre Hopkins? And why does every good wide receiver have a first name that should be broken up into 2 words?

He was picked 27th overall in the draft, and he’s already putting up studly numbers. I’m perplexed as to how 26 other teams passed on him, pretending that they were all set on wideouts. This guy is the spark that the Texans need to trick fans into thinking they’ll make a Super Bowl run [see: Falcons, Julio Jones]. Also, Arian Foster can suck it. Ben Tate is the fantasy sleeper this year. I picked him up undrafted for crying out loud! Arian might not care about your fantasy team, but Ben will do anything for his fans. And he’s going to cash out like a slot machine.

Kansas City Chiefs 17, Dallas Cowboys 16
The story of the 2013 Chiefs has been told too many times. There’s the dying-star quarterback that’s never totally proved himself, but was always promised “the job” until some rookie sensation gets in his way and everyone kicks the ground and says “Sorry, bro”. Then there’s the longtime franchise coach that seemed serviceable enough to spend the rest of his career in one place, but disappointment after disappointment made fans anxious. Anxious fans make anxious owners and anxious owners hire new coaches fresh out of college. So now its the QB and the coach, left to take over the most damaged and hollowed-out franchises in the league. And that’s Alex Smith and Andy Reid, leading the Chiefs to a 2-0 record. Bumbling and stumbling their way to a Wild Card berth, only to follow it with a 6-10 2014 season. Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

Green Bay Packers 38, Washington Redskins 20
Take it or leave it, Brandon Meriweather is the new face of concussion culture. He makes you believe that a helmet-to-hemlet hit is nature’s ruffie. You will forget and forget some more. Point in case: Brandon Meriweather goes headfirst into Packer’s rookie, Eddie Lacy. Lacy immediately left the game with a concussion, as Brandon chuckled, hooted and hollered in celebration. Somehow, no flag was thrown. He was not fined or ejected from the game. There were no repercussions for his actions. So maybe an hour later, he decides that helmet hits are fun and throws one at James Starks. Now he’s the one on the ground with a concussion. And will he learn his lesson? No. The actions of some NFL players can be best replicated by an excitable kid putting a trash can on his head and running into the living room wall. He gets slightly woozy, cries, deduces that it was enjoyable to fall down and go boom and cannot help but giggle thoughtlessly, going for it again.

And this is something that I’ve discussed in the past, but still comes up in conversation. NFL rules and regulations are constantly evolving, but NFL players are not doing much to adapt. What ensues is more penalties, which makes for a longer game. When I was watching the Seahawks trounce the 49ers, 29-3, every time something excited happened, I would look around anxiously to find the flag that was surely thrown. It’s become a part of the fan’s thought process, “Yes! Go! Go! Go! No flag! No flag! No Flag! Yes!”. In Week 2 of 1993, there were 133 penalties called in total, for an average of 9.5 calls per game. This year, there was 201, for an average of 12.56. That’s a significant difference. The only well-behaved matchup this week was Miami’s shocking 24-20 win over the Colts. 3 Penalties were called in total, adding up to a measly 13 yards. Either these guys were playing by the rules, or the refs simply didn’t want to be there. Do your research. Marquee match-ups tend to have the most penalties, as they require the most trained officials.

Join me next week, when I tell you the top 33 reasons why the Ravens should boycott the Pro Bowl and ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!

-TeeCoZee