Vernie Equinox


Oh…umm…hello, Springtime. That is your name, right, like I can call you that? Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that was your full name, like your birth name, not like I was think of your mother’s va—but, I mean, is that what your friends call you? Your peeps, your homies, your posse, is that what you call them and is that what they call you?

So…just Spring. Okay. That’s cool. I’m a-okay with that. If you were to ask me at any given time, except when I’m sleeping and concentrating hard, because it’s really hard to answer questions when I’m concentrating, and well, sleeping, you would never be so rude as to…but if you were to ask me if I was okay with calling you Spring, I would reply with a genuine “absolutely”. You can bet your sweet bippy on that!

But…ummm…Spring? Hi, I’m over here. Hello. It’s me, Vernie. We were just talking 10 seconds ago. Well, I was talking and you were free to talk but…umm…for some reason you chose not to, which I’m cool with. I’m hip with it. I can get down to something of that nature. Hey, if you ever asked me if I was cool with you not tal—I’ll just, uh, cut to the chase here. Well, Spring, I think you’re really swell. You seemed to be generally loved by everyone and people have no choice but to celebrate every time you walk into a room. I’m just saying, you’re cool, I’m a big fan, like you know, whatever. But what I think would be really swell, is if you and me…uhh…together, maybe go and get a burger and a phosphate or somethin–

A phosphate? It’s like a milkshake. You know, you got the frozen cream and you–

A beer? I mean, I don’t drink but I don’t see why not. Well, I mean, I do see why not, but if it’s going to get me at a table eating hamburgers with you, then I guess I wi–

Super! Yes! You will not regret this. You’re going to look back on this and realize how good of a decision that was. I’ll be there at 8 with bells on!

[10 Hours Later]

Gee golly, this beverage is making me feel, making me feel…jimminy jillikers! Boom, bang, pazzaam!

Well, yeah, I think that out of all the seasons, you’re the swellest!

Um, sure. I like rain.

Rainstorms? Of course! I’ve got to say, I’m never as happy as I am when it’s pouring down rain!

And sad, too. Yes, see, that’s the thing, being sad makes me happy. It’s certainly refreshing to feel those teardrops roll down your cheek. And the taste…mmmhmmm, I love me some tear drops.

Well, I mean, rain tastes good too.

Sure, I love The Smiths. I think they’re the best band in the goshdarned world!

Well, sure, I’ve thought of hurting myself before. Like this one time, I was climbing a tree and I thought to myself “Ghee whiz, Vernie, it’s be really cool if you could jump out of this here tree and land on your feet like a feline”, but I’ll tell you what, no ma’am, I did not land on my feet. I was awful sore after that.

Umm, I beg your pardon?

You want me to…

Well, gee, I don’t know if I can do that. See, my mom would be awfully mad if I came home lat–

What, like a sleep over? I mean, sure, I think that would be fine. Can we, like play a game or something, but I mean, if you’re not into games…then neither am I, obviously, but uh—

Sure, I’ll keep quiet!

[36 Minutes Later]
Oh gee, Spring, I don’t know about this.

It’s awfully hot, are you usually this warm? Maybe I should check your temperature. You might be running a fev–

Well, I don’t think that my willy coul—

Okay, I mean, if you think it’ll work then by all mea—

Uh, this feels really weird, Spring. My stomach’s feeling all sorts of weird. I don’t think we’re doing this for health and wellness purposes. And it’s so hot, Spring. What are those noises? Hammers? Saws? Spring, you’re starting to sound like summ–

But my eyes, my eyes are really hurting, Spring! It’s getting hard for me to keep my “stupid trap” shut.

I know, I’m sorry, I’m not normally a mouth breather. But when I’m with you, my nose is useless.

It’s, like stuffed up. And my eyes! No, I’m not crying. It’s just that they’re so itchy that I can’t help but—

Who are all these people? They’re walking along the street, yelling loudly and blasting their boomboxes. Is this some kind of—

And I mean, I know I said that I can “take the heat”, but I would like to give some of it back to you. What happened to people just being temperate? Is that too much to ask?

But Spring, I can’t hold my breath! I’ll die!

I beg your pardon?!?

You want me to hit you?!?!?

Well, I mean, you’re making me awfully mad, so I guess a good noggin knock might be what the doctor ordered…

[2 Days Later]

Yo, sup, Spring. I should have known. I could smell that skanky ass comin’ from a mile away.

Oh, don’t you be sassin’ me gurl. You just sit yo ass down, an Vernie here will win us sum money in dis dice game so we can go get ourselves a bleezie and I can make everything alllllllright….

Let that be a lesson to all of you: If a season ever tries to make you her bitch, just let her know who’s putting the waffles on the table.