Operation Not Good [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2012 Week 13]

This was supposed to be fun and exciting and whatnot. With only a month left before the playoffs, week 13 showed a lot of promising slobberknockers between division rivals. But that would have been too easy. Instead, we were subjected to sloshy meh-fests that would bore a group of teenagers on adderall. So I shall do my best to sift through all of this, combine games together and make your experience as painless as possible. The perfect way to describe week 13 would be to quote Jon Gruden’s response to Lawrence Tynes missed 43 yard field goal, “Operation…not…good”. That’s what I call $4.3 million well spent. Kudos, ESPN!

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Do I even want to know what happens at the end of this play?

St Louis Rams 16, San Francisco 49ers 13 [OT]
Seattle Seahawks 23, Chicago Bears 17 [OT]
Much like Mike Singletary at Spring Break, I’m becoming increasingly confused with the NFC West. Just looking at the team’s records invokes a series of “ughs”, “ewws” and “huhs”. In first place is the 49ers, which is a team more two-faced than Tommy Lee Jones in the blockbuster smash, Volcano. They only seem to play well against superior teams and then go to sleep every time a sub-.500 team comes to town. I suppose this formula will bode well in the Playoffs, but how can anybody rely on such inconsistency? Then there’s the Rams, who are not a great team, but always tend to give the 49ers a run for their money. This week’s game was almost a mirror image of their matchup 3 weeks ago. The only difference is that Greg Zurlein actually kicked a field goal in overtime [although it would be funny to see 2 teams with a x-x-2 record, we should all be glad that it happened]. At 5-6-1, the combined [at the time] record of the teams they defeated is 19-10-1. Actually, that just means that they beat the Cardinals twice [once at 4-0 and another at 4-8 [whoops]] and the 49ers. But they also lost to the Jets and Lions, so they can’t be THAT good. Or they’re just really bad against shitty teams. Or they’re a shitty team that’s good against good teams. But wait, the Cardinals are pitiful. WHERE IS THE CONSISTENCY?!?!? And the Seahawks. Good lord, the Seahawks! They’re 1-4 in their own division, but 4-1 against the NFC North, which might I add, is the only division in the NFL that actually seems competitive. Of those 5 games, their combined victory-margin is only +14 points. Mix that in with their 1 point upset over the Patriots, and what the fugg, the Seahawks are 7-5?!? But they lost to the Rams! And the Rams suck!!! DON’T THEY?!?!? AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!1111ONEONE111

Houston Texans 24, Tennessee Titans 10
Due to excessive winning and lack of competition, the Houston Texans clinched a playoff spot this week, which comes to no surprise to anybody [except for those who think David Carr is their QB]. As soon as Andrew’s Luck wears out, the Texans will clinch the AFC South, which again, is no surprise. It may be geographically impossible, but I kind of wonder what it would be like if the Texans played in a different division. I have a feeling that they would have a lot more than 1 loss if they played in the East or North. But then again, if they played in the West, they would be undefeated. They are the AFC counterpart of the Atlanta Falcons, racking up wins in the regular season, only to be crushed by a more seasoned team in the playoffs. Because you know the Jets are gonna win out the rest of the season, grab a wild card, demolish the Patriots 54-2 and then proceed to Houston in the divisional round where, in a sacrificial ritual, Rex Ryan eats Gary Kubiak’s soul/spleen and they are forced to forfeit, therefore ruining/ending the great sport known as American Football forever. The future has already been written. By me.

Buffalo Bills 34, Jacksonville Jaguars 18
Delirious from a totally expected win is D-Million’s in his segment, “Countin’ The Bills w/ D-Millions”:

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Ryan Fitzpatrick makes a polite gesture towards the not-so-sold-out crowd

If you had told me in the summer that after week 13, the Buffalo Bills would have the same or better record than the Saints, Lions and Chargers, I would probably be cautiously optimistic about the forthcoming season. Despite the similarities in record, however, the aforementioned teams are all very different from the Buffalo Bills in at least one way: while all the others teams are playing below (perhaps well below) their potential, the Bills are pretty much playing at their expected potential (on pace to finish 8-8…..ok maybe 7-9). Even though the Saints were without their head coach and key defensive players at the beginning of the season, Vegas sports books still gave them better odds (18:1) than the Giants (22:1) to win the Super Bowl. What does this tell us about the gambling public at large? Well for one, they have very little confidence in the Giants- despite the fact that they won the Super Bowl last year with pretty much the same team. And secondly, a lot of people were putting money on the Saints to win it all (in the biz, they call these people “suckers”).

If only the Bills were playing in the NFC this year (or any year, for that matter), they would have a decent chance of making the playoffs. Not only is it possible to clinch a division or wild card spot in the NFC with a dubious record (see: 2010 Seattle Seahawks at 7-9), the competition is typically much less robust. The Bills are 1-1 against NFC teams this season with two more matchups remaining. They host the Rams and Seahawks in the next 2 weeks. It’s very difficult to tell how good the Rams and Seahawks are at this point in the season, but I think going on the road and playing the Bills will serve as decent barometer in cross-referencing the temper of both of them (in my estimation, the Bills will win at least one of these games).

Unfortunately, the benefits of the Bills’ home-field advantage are now threatened for the remainder of the season. Week 13’s matchup against the Jaguars was blacked-out in Buffalo because the game did not sell out. Now, I’ve really never understood this rule to begin with, as it seems that blacking out home games does not benefit the NFL, the team, the network and most of all, the fans. It only serves to further erode fan support and interest when games are blacked out in the course of the season. It is more than just a bit annoying when this happens. For a lot of fans, there is a level of embarrassment and shame involved in blacked-out games. That said, a big win at home, as the Bills had against the Jags, should help in the coming weeks to boost attendance…if not just a little bit.

With that in mind, I don’t think anyone in San Diego has watched a Chargers game since 2008. Bluh!

Green Bay Packers/Atlanta Falcons/New England Patriots 23,
Minnesota Vikings/New Orleans Saints 13/Miami Dolphins 16

The schedule couldn’t have been made any better. Here we have 3 division rivalries, pitting the top team against the wild card contender hiding in the shadows. All 3 games ended with the division leader on top* with strikingly similar final scores. Although all of the games were close, the losers were ultimately hindered by their young QBs making young mistakes**. Although the 3 winners have officially clinched playoff spots, none of them looked to be playoff caliber teams. Lastly, with all of these games being heated matchups with semi-importantish implications, they all bored the crap out of me.†

*With exception to the Packers, who are tied for first with the Bears. I merely made that statement because we all know/hope that the Bears are still due for a collapse and will most likely finish 9-7.

**Drew Brees is obviously not a young QB. But with the way he was wildly throwing, he looked like a rookie still fighting for a starting position.

†I am also a soulless idiot that didn’t get too much of a rise out of any game that I saw this week.

Pittsburgh Steelers 23, Baltimore Ravens 20
batch13I would like you all to take a moment and gaze at my new art piece, entitled “Batches Be Cryin”. Would it surprise you that this man is crying? Would you be shocked that he is crying tears of joy? Would you be flabbergasted at the thought that this man is crying and taking comfort in the arms of a rapist? If any of those facts surprise you, well, you just don’t know Charlie Batch. The resident geezer QB of the NFL ended up pulling a win out of his ass. He’s not a terrible player, he just hasn’t been good enough to be a starter since the Clinton administration. And this was his moment in the sun. He scored his first touchdown of the season, has the best completion percentage of his career and has made the most completions since I was a freshman in high school. So let the man cry a little bit. He deserves it. Just think, he might be starting in the playoffs! This guy! What a world we live in!

Kansas City Chiefs 27, Carolina Panthers 21
There’s no need to explain the story of Javon Belcher and Saturday morning’s horrible incident. Everybody already knows about it. It would also be pointless to give my opinion on the matter. Whatever I have to say would lead to nowhere and would probably offend some, which is not what I’m aiming to do. It would be tasteless to play the opening scene from The Last Boy Scout from now on, which is my go-to clip for when I have nothing to say. For this, I am deeply saddened. However, it would be totally couth to point out that for the first time since 2010, the hapless Chiefs scored a touchdown on their opening drive. Sometimes it…umm…takes a tragedy to overcome tragedy. And of course, my heart goes out to the whole organization.

Indianapolis Colts 35, Detroit Lions 33
Andrew Luck is one lucky fuck.

The way he played against the Lions can only be compared to a retired Brooklynite trying to win the lottery. There were a lot of misses. He threw for 391 yards and 4 TDs, but was only 24/54 with 3 interceptions. To discredit the Lion’s D, it actually should have been about 10 interceptions, but who’s counting? If you’re going to throw the ball 54 times, you are bound to hit 300+ yards. If you don’t, well, then there’s something seriously wrong and you shouldn’t be throwing the ball 54 times. And just like every other loss they had this season, the Lions had unlimited opportunities to seal the deal, but just didn’t do it. But you have to hand it to them, almost every time the Lion’s lose, it’s in the fashion of a nail-biting-edge-of-your-chair fest. They always go out with a bang and upset fans.

Port Authority Jets 7, Arizona Cardinals 6
Blegh. Mark Sanchez. Gross. Good riddance. Rex Ryan finally threw in the towel and brought in Greg McElroy, who will most likely prove to be just as worthless. The joke is over. Making fun of the Jets is losing its entertainment value. It’s more like making bore of the Jets. Because just thinking about them bores the living guh out of me.

Philadelphia Eagles 17, Dallas Cowboys 3

The new face of Dallas™

The new face of Dallas™

Christmas just isn’t coming early in Dallas. It might not even come at all. Any chance the Cowboys had at getting the wild card slot was stolen away faster than Keith Byars going after a sandwich. We all knew that Dallas was doomed after Troy Aikman was quickly taken out of the game with an undisclosed injury. Enter Babe Laufenberg. And who the fuck is Babe Laufenberg? Besides having a hilarious name, his only real work experience was bench warming for Mark Malone in the Charger’s oh-so-forgettable 6-10 campaign a couple years back. And his performance was…eh…laufenble. Even with the Eagles defense being plagued with injuries, they were still able to hold Emmitt Smith to a mere 61 yards. On the other side of the ball, Randall Cunningham didn’t look too hot himself. In fact, he got sacked to high heaven by the likes of Jack Del Rio and Danny Noonan. At 8-7, the Eagles are probably going to be playing in January. But they’re going to have to shape up, which includes a speedy recovery for Clyde Simmons and Reggie White. Also, why is everyone talking about that Home Alone movie? That shit is so stupid.

Denver Broncos 31, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23
Clinching the AFC West, the Broncos can finally be considered as serious Super Bowl contenders. They have developed well enough to claim that they could beat any team on any given Sunday. So in a fleeting moment of misjudgment, I questioned D-Millions if it would be possible to see a Manning-Manninger Super Bowl. He immediately scoffed, “There’s no way the Giants are gonna make it this year”. But we have seen dumber things happen…

Cincinnati Bengals 20, San Diego Chargers 13
I’m not mad. Just wake me up when the Chargers move to LA. I’m good.

Cleveland Browns 20, Oakland Radiers 17
Top 5 Inventions That Came Too Late:
5) Xibit’s Pimp My Ride™ for X-Box
4) A homemade cure for Polio
3) The Dial-Up Modem Silencer™
2) The Cleveland Browns defense
1) The MC Hammer Popcorn Bowl, which when set, will play “Can’t Touch This” every time someone reaches into the bowl when you’re not looking.

Washington Redskins 17, Port Authority Giants 16
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Okay, I feel better. Join me next week, when Norv Turner probably gets fired, Jon Gruden gets hired, Romeo Crennel will retire and Ralph Wilson gets tired.

-TeeCoZee

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