Can We Just Call Him Butt Sanchez? [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2012 Week 12]

This season has been flying by quicker than the Eagle’s winning streak. The bye weeks are already over, which means that I have to work extra hard to pass information onto you. And with all of the stupid things that happened this week, I am doing nothing but wasting time with this introduction. But before I start, let me waste another 100 words. Kenny Chesney is a dipshit and he almost ruined my Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t know who’s idea it was to eat during halftime of the Cowboys-Redskins game, but the look of that manchild’s face made my patented stuffing seem a lot less appealing. Living seemed a lot less appealing. Luckily, somebody [the cat?] turned off the TV and we were all able to enjoy dinner in complete ignorance of the noise pollution that was occurring inside the television box. We should all be thankful that he only performs halftime shows once a year.

Washington Redskins 38, Dallas Cowboys 31
In the not-so-tense battle between RGIII and a bunch of dudes who were not RGIII, RGIII was the victor. So therefore, RGIII. Thank you.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Oakland Raiders 10
Little Carson Palmer visited his estranged father on Christmas. He has a new family now and a red-headed stepson named Andy. Andy had all the cool toys to play with, while little Carson was stuck with his broken Denarius Moore action figure. They raced toy cars, but Andy’s Green-Ellis model was much faster than Carson’s Reece car with the loose wheel. “Come on, Andy! You’re not even using your Brandon Tate doll! Can I play with him for a little bit?!?”, Carson shouted, frustrated. Naturally, Andy refused. “Get your own Brandon Tate doll!”

Later on in the evening, while Andy was tuckered away on his Geno Atkins plush body pillow, Carson went up to his dad and asked him the burning question. “Why didn’t you keep me?”

Marvin Lewis thought about this hard, but came up with a sufficient answer: “It’s not that there wasn’t any room for you in my new family. It’s just that…well…nobody likes you.” He patted Carson’s head as he sobbed silently and the moon hung over the Christmas sky, waiting for a new day to come.

New England Patriots 49, Port Authority Jets 19
Take a long, hard look at Mark Sanchez running into a dudes butt. It doesn’t matter that the play resulted into a Patriots TD via fumble/other buffoonery. We can even ignore the fact that this was part of the Patriots scoring 21 points in less than a minute. No, none of this matters. Just take a long, hard look at the picture. Just try to imagine how it feel to be that face, going straight into that ass. That is exactly how Mark Sanchez and the Port Authority Jets have been feeling all season. If by some dumb luck, Mark is not able to pry his own face out of the ass, the Jets would not have a backup quarterback. Although Tim Tebow was suited to play, he was covering up a severe rib injury and probably would have died after one hit or something. Rex Ryan was quoted that he would have only used Tebow “in case of emergency”. It’s good to know that Rex is laxed about what to actually consider an emergency. Because it obviously doesn’t involve the Patriots scoring 21 points in less than a minute. In fact, Rex still claims that they can beat the Patriots. Of course they can. Any given Sunday, sure, that’s possible. You know who else can beat the Patriots? The Chiefs. And Matt CasselBrady Quinn probably wouldn’t get brown nosed in the process either. So one last time, take a look at the picture. It represents all that the Jets have become this season and all that they will be for the foreseeable future. Savor it. The haters finally won.

Cleveland Browns 20, Pittsburgh Steelers 14
It’s actually happening. The nightmare is coming true. I’m not talking about Charlie Batch [although I could be, a nation-wide poll in 2003 had already declared him one. We should assume that given his age, he is even more of a nightmare], but the Cleveland Brown defense. Holy Travis Barker, these guys are getting mildly serious-ish! They forced 8 turnovers against the Steelers and they weren’t all from Charlie Batch! That’s more turnovers than the Colts defense has had all season. They have only 3 wins, but the combined opposing record is 16-17 [bullshit statistic that I didn’t realize was bullshit until I did the math] and out of their 8 losses, only 3 of them were by more than one possession [also a bullshit stat]. To quote Mike Tomlin [after the game], “Huh?”

Houston Texans 34, Detroit Lions 31 [OT]
Baltimore Ravens 16, San Diego Chargers 13 [OT]
As comedic legend, Norm Macdonald, once said, “Alright settle down, Prostitutes”. Here, we have 2 prime examples of how an unfair call can lead an even-handed game into overtime.

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The case of Justin Forsett’s anti-touchdown is a little more clear as day. He was obviously down by contact and we should all be shocked that not a single referee blew the whistle. In the defense of the Lions, nobody chased after Forsett because they all assumed that he was being a showboating jackass. You pack 70,000+ fans into a dome, have them all yell at once and then tell me that you can distinctly hear a shrill whistle that initiates the end of the play. Yeah right. But as for what Jim Scwartz did to ruin the game, he did that to himself. They were obviously going to review the play, but the fact that Jim acted like a whining dipshit made them change their minds. Let’s say an employer suspects his employee of shoplifting. He brings the employee into the office where they will look at the security tape. If the employee says “Fuck you, you fat bastard, I didn’t steal shit. Look at the tape!”, the employer will most likely decline to go any further and fire the person for insubordination [and being a whining dipshit]. It’s hard to accept the fact that this rule does exist. It’s in the process of being changed as we speak, but part of a head coach’s job is knowing these rules. Talk to the referee first before you throw the challenge flag. Make sure your ass is going to be covered before you go out guns ablazing. Just don’t be a jerk.

The case of Ray Rice’s “30 yard catch” is a little harder to explain. It was 4th and 29, with the first down marker being at the 33 1/2 yard line. Ray Rice takes a shovel pass and should be tackeld immediately, but isn’t. He runs and dives past the 35 yard line. It’s entirely clear that he falls at the 35 yard line and out of sheer guessery and amazement, the refs assume that it is a first down. The chains are already moved before the play is called for review. After review, it becomes obvious that Ray Rice scooted the ball forward after being down, and the ball should be displaced from the 33 yard line [where it was originally spotted] to the 33 3/4 yard line. This is agreed upon, but now nobody can agree on where the first down marker was in the first place. After 5 minutes of deliberation, the refs decide that it would be fair to place the marker at the 34, not even making it close at all. 1st down Ravens. What should have been a turnover on downs to win the game turned into a pitiful overtime that ended in a Ravens comeback.

In comparison, what happened to the Chargers was in a way, far worse than the Detroit screw job. When Justin Forsett scored the touchdown, there was still 21 minutes of play time left. The Texans could have easily drove the ball down the field and the score could have ended up the same. Or the lack of touchdown could have changed the gameplan entirely, the Lions get more comfortable and relaxed and a couple of mistakes later, the Texans have a big lead and the thought of overtime doesn’t even occur. I am only mentioning this to dispel all of the bullshit I’ve had to read on facebook all weekend. Everybody claims and petitions that the Lions actually won the game 31-24, because they can do simple math and figure out that even though it was in the 3rd quarter, the Texans would have scored exactly 24 points. They don’t blame Jason Hanson for missing a game-winning routine field goal. They don’t blame the receivers for sampling turkey on the sidelines and dropping the butterball left and right. Which is exactly the point I am trying to make:


I’m not mad at the refs for not being able to place the first down marker. I’m mad that the entire Chargers defense couldn’t bring down Ray Rice. I’m mad that Phillip Rivers couldn’t make a completion to save his life. I’m mad at Joe Flacco’s impeccable 3rd down conversion ratio. I’m mad that my teams lost because it is the team’s fault. Any game that is decided by a botched call is one that should have been played better.

Indianapolis Colts 20, Buffalo Bills 13
Oof. Another tough loss for the Bills. Here in mourning is D-Millions in his segment, “Counting The Bills w/ D-Millions”:

You really made some good points there. I’ll check back with you next week!

Denver Broncos 17, Kansas City Chiefs 9
Following the guhfest, Dwayne Bowe and Jamaal Charles were caught posing for pictures and getting autographs from CyboManning. Matt Cassel Brady Quinn shouldn’t take offense. They just wanted their picture taken with a living legend. But some would argue that Jamaal Charles is a legend himself. Or at least he is one for sticking around the NFL for so damn long. I call bullshit. They were actually spys, trying to get inside info on the Virtual World…

Miami Dolphins 24, Seattle Seahawks 21
Buffalo Wild Wings™ commercial #2F54:

[Bro and Broski sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings™ restaurant, cleaning down a tower of wings. They are watching a Breast Cancer Awareness charity golf tournament on a 120″ Plasma television]

BRO: Man, Broski, women’s golf sure is boring!
BROSKI: Check this out!

[Broski pulls out an oversized remote control and hits a button. On the screen, the sprinkler system on the green goes off and all of the lady golfers get wet, ruining their white polo shirts.]

GOLFER #1: Oh no, my shirt is all wet!
GOLFER #2: Let me dry those off with my hands!
GOLFER #3: Oooh! Let me become aware of those breasts!
GOLFER #1: Who wants to make out?

[Bro and Broski high-five each other and continue plowing their plate of wings]
[Bro and Broski sit in a Buffalo Wild Wings™ restaurant, nursing a 5 ft high pitcher of beer. They are watching the matchup between the Dolphins and the Seahawks.

Bro: Man, Broski, this game sure is boring!
Broski: Check this out!

[Broski pulls out the oversized remote and hits the button]

Bro: Meh. Not as good as last time.

[Broski shrugs]

Atlanta Falcons 24, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 23
The Falcons just aren’t that great of a team. Although they are 10-1, they only have a point differential of 78, which puts them in the middle of the league. It’s extremely rare that you actually see them take over and dominate a team. They basically look like the Falcons team we’ve been watching for the past 5 years, which kind of pisses me off. It’s great that they can consistently get into the playoffs and whatnot, but they are never good enough to win any playoff games. The same is going to happen this year. They’ll get the first-round bye and then completely suck out in the divisional round. It happens in the NFC every year. The high seed never stands a chance. This is why the Giants win the Super Bowl every year, which reminds me, I might as well say it now: If the Giants go to the Super Bowl this year, I will not watch the Super Bowl. Period.

Jacksonville Jaguars 24, Tennessee Titans 19
A hush fell over the Jaguar locker room as Blaine Gabbert entered. Every player looked at him, then back over to Chad Henne, then back over to him, et cetera. “Great news guys! Doc said I’m clear to play this Sunday!” Blaine was about to go on his high-five rounds when he was blindsided by a lead pipe. One after another, every teammate took their turn in beating the living shit out of Blaine. Even some retired veterans got in on the action. David Garrard took a bite out of his shoulder while Natrone Meant Business when it came to whooping that ass. Afterwards, they all drank the blood of their fallen leader in good tidings, good luck and $1 off any sandwich at participating Arby’s® restaurants.

San Francisco 49ers 31, New Orleans Saints 21
A hush fell over the 49er locker room as Alex Smith entered. Every player looked at him, then back over to Colin Kaepernick, then back over to him, et cetera. “Great news guys! Doc said I’m clear to play this Sunday!” Alex was about to go on his fist-bump rounds when he was blindsided by a black rubber cock. One after another, every teammate took their turn in beating the living shit out of Alex. Even some retired veterans got in on the action. Elvis Grbac took a bite out of his thigh while Ken Norton Jr threw punches like Ken Norton Sr. Afterwards, they all drank the blood of their fallen leader in good tidings, good luck and a free car wash at any participating Jiffy Lube® location.

St Louis Rams 31, Arizona Cardinals 17
In the wake of Hurrilame Sandy, the Rockaway Peninsula is still in shambles, as it probably will be for years to come. Jamaica Bay Crossing [cross-bay train track that connects the Rockaways from the rest of Queens] is a heap of twisted metal that needs to be rebuilt completely. But not all hope is completely lost. Since the storm, there has been a free shuttle bus that loops behind JFK Airport to Far Rockaway [as opposed to the tumultuous shuttle bus that goes to the West of JFK and through the ridiculous traffic of Howard Beach]. Now that free shuttle bus has an actual train connection. The H train. Yes. I said H train. H has unofficially always been the proper signage for the Rockaway Park Shuttle, but since this can’t even go to Rockaway Park [because it still might not have power], they officially brought back the H. Running from Mott Ave to Beach 90 st, the H train restores service to all but 4 stops on the A line [Broad Channel [which won’t see service for a good year], Beach 98 St, Beach 105 St and Beach 116 St]. Although a train that takes me from the projects to an apocalyptic wasteland has almost no use to me, I am still excited as shit to nerd out on this train.

Chicago Bears 28, Minnesota Vikings 10
In Jay Cutler’s triumphant return to the gridiron, he only got sacked once. That’s it. Just once. What is wrong with the world today?!?!?

Port Authority Giants 38, Green Bay Packers 10
Top 5 Things I Hate About The Giants:
5) Lawnmower Manning trying to sell me breakfast sandwiches.
4) The fact that they’re on prime time TV every other week. I don’t even know why NBC bothers travelling to other cities. They spend most of their time in New Jersey.
3) Their ability to make any opponent look like Notre Dame.
2) Lawnmower Manning’s dumb luck.
1) Victor Cruz, in general. His TD dance infuriates me. Who’s stupid idea was it to play salsa music every time he makes a score? And my other question is: Where does that music even come from? If it is truly coming out of the PA system, then it must drown out every other noise in the stadium. Or else it’s something that NBC does up in the control room, which is even more disgusting. Nobody else has signature Touchdown music, what makes Victor Cruz so special? Is it because every time he touches a ball, the crowd bellows “Cruz”, which sounds more like “Boo”?

I’m satisfied.

Carolina Panthers 30, Philadelphia Eagles 22
Sweet! The Panther finally won a game! All it took was injuring every starter in an Eagles jersey. And with that, first-time-starter Bryce Brown swallowed up 178 yards rushing and 2 TDs. So yeah, the Panthers should pat themselves on the back, but they should only do it once. This victory doesn’t warrant a double-pat.

Join me next week when I actually decide to talk about the scary little thing known as “The Playoffs”!