Top Five Things That Piss Me Off (Thanksgiving Edition!)

#5:  Stupid People Who Think They’re Smart About “Science”

The amino acid tryptophan in turkey is relatively minute. This one pisses me off all the time, but it comes up a lot during Thanksgiving. There are a lot of knuckleheads with poor educations who learned most of what they think they know about the world from TruTV and reruns of Coach. These are the same people who like to haughtily profess the erroneous etymology of words like “shit”, claiming it’s actually an acronym (though they call it an “anagram”) for “Ship High In Transit”, blah blah fuggin’ blah. Yeah, we’ve heard it before. It’s not true. Why do you believe that?? Because you’re a boob, that’s why. Then you claim that the tryptophan in turkey makes you sleepy. Shut your yap, you goon. You’re tired after Thanksgiving dinner because you and your cousins are alcoholics and you’ve been drinking Popov since 10 AM, then consumed 8,000 calories of carbohydrates. So don’t worry about that turkey sandwich you eat on your lunch hour making you pass out at your desk. If you get sleepy after lunch, it’s either psychosomatic or your job is boring you to sleep.

#4: It Ain’t About Indians & Pilgrims / Giving Thanks For Stuff

No. Just no. I think it actually has something to do with Puritans being radical and harvest time being a good time to eat a bunch of food. Whatever, I don’t care. I’ve never met a pilgrim, and most Americans have never met an Indian, so it’s not like we’re upholding a sacred cultural tradition.

So what about celebrating time with family and giving thanks for what we’ve got? Well, that’s swell. Whose idea was that? It was WAL-MART’s idea, that’s who. After Halloween, there was too much damn time to kill before Christmas, and people didn’t know when to start Christmas shopping. So, right around the same time American Greetings invented Easter, Sam Walton and the One World Government invented their own holiday. Now people go and buy a whole bunch of food at Wal-Mart, then go right back the next morning and trample each other to buy uninspired gifts like cheap VCRs and ashtrays.

#3: “Wishbones”

It’s the 21st Century. And yet there are all these buffoons thinking wizards and vampires are fighting each other when the lights are off. That’s just bullshit. Magic isn’t real. When you and your cousin finish off a bottle of Popov and then break the wishbone and make a “wish”, you’re making a supernatural demand based on some far-fetched request. That’s idiotic. And, if you wish for something that could logically happen, and then it happens, that’s not because you broke a turkey bone, you dipshit. What is wrong with you?! Grow up and go to college. Your professors may be a bunch of communists, but at least they’ll dispel some of those misconceptions in your brain that, along with the Popov, have set in like a slow rot.

#2: Cranberries

I love cranberry juice cocktail for breakfast. It’s delicious. I love 100% cranberry juice, but only if there’s gin in it. That’s also delicious. Cranberries that aren’t made into juice are not delicious. Why the hell didn’t they just make them into juice? Why do I have to eat them in a big red globule? That’s disgusting. And why the hell would they put them in a can? I’m done. I can’t even talk about this.






#1: 30 Days of Being Thankful on Facebook

I’m downright sick of this shit. Since the first day of November, a bunch of chumps on are making daily proclamations of what they’re allegedly thankful for. So what, is Thanksgiving an entire month now? I bet these same saps were hanging the Christmas tree and pulling out the Bing Crosby records before Halloween, too. And anyway, is Facebook your journal? Why do you have to broadcast to everyone you know what you’re thankful for? Are you looking for congratulations for not being a sociopath? Why can’t you just sit in quietude for fifteen minutes a day and meditate on what you’re thankful for instead of wasting your life away in front of your computer and begging for attention?! Shut up and go to bed.

That’s it. Join me next time when we cover National Parfait Day and everything that is wrong with America.