The Sloppy Revenge Of The Scab QB™ [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2012 Week 11]
If you’re a quarterback in the NFL and your name isn’t Manning, chances are you are also a human being. The problem with being a human being is that you
urinate constantly get hurt when you are hit repeatedly. This is that itchy time of year when scabs start popping up. It’s that lull between the bye week and crunch-time that quarterbacks prefer to get injured during. The injury has the smallest chance of affecting the season at large during this time period, because essentially, most teams know where they stand. This week, 7 quarterbacks came out of the woodwork/New Jersian Pathmark, stepped up to center stage and showed the world that benchwarmers need love too. Did any of them get heard? Probably a couple. Let’s check it out.
Atlanta Falcons 23, Arizona Cardinals 19
Something was caught in Matt Ryan’s eye. At first it felt like a piece of hair, but after numerous swipes and adjustments, he realized that it was underneath the skin. Every time he blinked, it would go deeper in and encouraged him endlessly to get in there and pry it out. Perhaps it was a feather or a piece of astroturf. Or a stray piece of glitter that shot out of some sort of glitter cannon during the National Anthem. But he didn’t remember seeing any glitter cannon, nor stray birds, nor astroturf. A few hours later, it popped out. A crumbled up contact lens was the culprit. This confused the young gunslinger, as he does not wear contacts. What’s even more confusing is that despite Matt’s 5 interceptions that he wildly threw trying to focus on his eye, his team still won the game. This hasn’t happened since 1967, when Bart Starr had a hangnail.
Cincinnati Bengals 28, Kansas City Chiefs 6
After all this time, Matt Cassel retained the title of Starting Quarterback. That’s really cute. I had no idea that was going on. Chuckles aside, that all came to an end. When you’re losing to the Bengals 21-6 at the half, you should probably bring in Brady Quinn. Sure, that makes sense. But what really baffles me is that it took Romeo Crennel 11 weeks to figure that out. This could mean:
a. Brady Quinn really sucks and should only be brought up if there are no other options
b. Romeo is a fledging idiot
c. Both a and b
The Chiefs still couldn’t muster any points after that change and a man died of dissapointment. The answer is c.
Dallas Cowboys 23, Cleveland Browns 20 [OT]
The Cleveland Browns have a defense? And that defense sacked Tony Romo 7 times? And Brandon Weeden? Brandon Weeden failed to throw an interception? Can this mean that some day, like in 2016, the Browns might actually be a force to be reckoned with? Oh wait, no. They’re in the AFC North. They have no chance. Ever. False alarm, folks! We can start laughing at the Browns again! What a relief.
Buffalo Bills 19, Miami Dolphins 14
If the Redskins can qualify for the Playoffs, then that must mean the Bills can too! Here to break down those odds is Bill’s correspondant, D-Millions. This is “Counting On The Bills, w/ D-Millions”. D:
The Bills went .500 in weeks 10-11 with a -1 point differential (50 PF, 51 PA). Both were divisional games that gave way to excellent competition. This is what’s great about football. Here we have three very different teams in the Bills, Patriots and Dolphins. Most would agree that the Patriots, who have been Super Bowl-caliber every year for over a decade [and, by no surprise, were favored by Vegas to win this year’s Super Bowl in the preseason], are leaps and bounds better than the Bills and Dolphins*. Despite glaring disparities between teams’ skill sets, you’ll often see competitive football when there is a divisional matchup. Many may write-off this phenomenon, citing some uncontrolled variable(s) such as luck, injuries, bye-week placement, home-field advantage/travel, and/or key players’ ability to “rise to the occasion”. The fact is, all of these elements are even more hyperbolic in a divisional game. There’s no other way to explain it: crazy shit just happens. And it makes for great football games. So thank you, oh great divisional rivalries.
*To be fair, the Dolphins have not played the Patriots yet this season. For all we know, Ryan Tannehill and the skidmark Dolphins could beat the Patriots twice, finish with a 10-6 record and take the AFC East. I wonder what the average sportsbook odds would be on that? I’m guessing somewhere around 750:1. Yeah..that sounds about right.
It also helps that the Bill’s remaining schedule is a cakewalk. Four home games, two away. Four teams with losing records, two with winning records. Four AFC teams, two NFC teams. What’s this mean? Well, if the Bills win four of their last six games they will have their first .500+ season since 2004 [when they went 9-7]. Now, if the Bills can manage to lose only one more game for the rest of the season, they will be in wild card contention. And if they win next week against the Colts, they could have even more of a shot. Their remaining schedule is very weak, so if they have any hope of proving that they aren’t a sloppy hodgepodge of no-name losers, they better focus on next week’s matchup in Indianapolis.
While Mr. Millions was busy jerking off to statistics, a rather disturbing news story broke out. After the game, a Dolphins fan mysteriously died outside of Ralph Wilson Stadium. Our hearts go out to his family and we can only hope that the authorities can get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later.
Green Bay Packers 24, Detroit Lions 20
The following drive summary speaks volumes about the Lion’s season so far:
3-12 DET 29 Matthew Stafford pass complete deep right to Calvin Johnson for 53 yards (tackle by Jerron McMillian)
1-10 GNB 18 Kevin Smith right tackle for 4 yards (tackle by Morgan Burnett). Penalty on Erik Walden: Illegal Use of Hands, 5 yards
1-9 GNB 9 Matthew Stafford pass incomplete short middle intended for Calvin Johnson
2-9 GNB 9 Matthew Stafford pass complete short middle to Tony Scheffler for 6 yards (tackle by Casey Hayward and Morgan Burnett)
3-3 GNB 3 Matthew Stafford sacked by Morgan Burnett for -9 yards
4-12 GNB 12 Jason Hanson 30 yard field goal good
There’s been the occasional “ooh”, “ahh” and “aww ye”, that eventually ends in a “god damnit” or “is the hockey strike over yet?”
Port Authority Jets 27, St Louis Rams 13
Shut up. The Jets still suck. You’re drunk. Go back to Howard Beach.
Washington Redskins 31, Philadelphia Eagles 6
Give the man a trophy. Any trophy, as long as it’s made of gold and has his name on it. He was one completion away from throwing a perfect game. 14/15 for 192 yards and 4 TDs. But wait! There’s more! He had 84 yards rushing, which not only bested teammate Alfred Morris, but also the combined efforts of TheShawn McCoy and Bryce Beastly Brown. The dude basically beat the Eagles single-handedly. Move the fugg over, Thomas Ian Nicholas. It’s a new year and there’s a new rookie in town to be…ummm…rookie of the year. Yeah. You get it. PAY THE MAN!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 27, Carolina Panthers 21 [OT]
Fantasy owners around the world [yours truly included] spent most of this game cursing Doug Martin for running like a regular human being. His days of running like an abnormal madman seemed to be over. But the universe balanced out in overtime, when he accounted for 48 rushing yards in the game winning drive. We all rejoiced when he surpassed his projected points, but still felt a little empty considering that he didn’t triple or quadruple that total. At 6-4, the Bucs are looking to be a shoe-in for a wild card slot, and nobody can decide if that is a good thing or not. Meh. Probably not.
Houston Texans 43, Jacksonville Jaguars 37 [OT]
I may hate the Jags to pieces [or just the state of Florida in general], but it was refreshing to see Chad Henne get a new lease on life. After dealing with 10 weeks of Blaine Gabbert’s bumblefuggery,
Jack Del Rio Mike Mularkey was desperate to see something else happen. And, well, the stats speak for themselves. 354 yards and 4 TDs against the 7th ranked passing defense. I swear there was about 5 situations throughout the game that Henne passed to Blackmon at midfield, and the dude was open EVERY SINGLE TIME. It was as if he was pulling some new trick play that the Texans could not decode, but no, it was just some routine pass that worked time and time again. In the end, the Texans still won, but the 1-9 Jaguars got one of the best looking losses of the year. They should all be proud and rejoice for the scab that may not have saved the day, but at least made it more tolerable.
New Orleans Saints 38, Oakland Raiders 17
My love for the Saints is akin to my love for the week-old, flat, 1/4 full 20oz Coke that you find in the back of the fridge. They may be past their prime and your friends may make fun of you for enjoying them, but man, when you’re chugging it in the dark corner of the room you can still get hints of the glory it used to withhold. That subtle hint of flavor hiding behind all of the settled sugar. The dense taste on your tongue that you savor for hours, like a really productive fart or the smell of cut grass and gasoline. The Saints may not be a significant source of fat calories, saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, fiber, vitamin A/C, calcium or Iron, but sometimes they can excite the hell out of me. I just can’t tell anyone and disown my Ray Zellars jersey like I disown the old Coke in the back to the fridge.
On a side note, I had a dream last night that the Saints moved to Tennessee and changed their names. Shortly after, they made a new Saints team in New Orleans and signed Drew Brees as their QB. I thought to myself, “Drew Brees is a great guy. Doing charity work like that…”
Denver Broncos 30, San Diego Chargers 23
CyboManning needed a charge. There are no more hard diskettes or CDs for him to grab. His robo-bro, Lawnmower, could not send him any vicarious encouragement, as he had the week off. It’d been days since he was able to turn defenders into groups of gelatinous blobs. He could feel his battery start to wear and his laser targeting was losing calibration. After a lengthy consultation with Jobe, they both came to the conclusion that he needed the Chargers to come into town for some exhibition target practice. Throughout practice, he started passing more efficient by the minute. He was alive again and growing stronger by the second. By the time that he was satisfied with his battery life, he realized that it wasn’t target practice at all, but a real game. Whoops. Kill complete?
New England Patriots 59, Indianapolis Colts 24
Sunday morning, every faceless figurehead on every pregame show waxed on nostalgic about a time when this would be considered a marquee matchup. They ignored the fact that both teams were evenly matched at 6-3, completely shaming the lucky [pun] year the Colts have had so far. And let me tell you, the Colts came out of the gate to put those naysayers to sleep. Andrew Luck ate completions for dinner in the 1st quarter, quickly gaining a 14-7 lead. But then…ummm…Julian Edelman happened.
You can fill in the blanks from there.
Baltimore Ravens 13, Pittsburgh Steelers 10
Bryon Leftwich still exists, to much of my surprise. And as a scab, he seemed to play pretty well. He out-performed Joe Flacco at least. But my point is that…uhhh….hmmm…..wow, this game was boring. It was making me sleep. That’s what happens when you pit a scab quarterback against Joe Flacco in a prime-time game. People go to bed early.
San Francisco 49ers 32, Chicago Bears 7
This was even more guilty of looking terrible than the Sunday night game. Here, we had two scab QBs for the price of one! In the red corner, you had first-time starter Colin Kaepernick. And in the blue corner, you have Washington reject, Jason Campbell. The results? Hilarious! Not only do I love watching the Bears lose, but I also enjoy the 49ers winning. The whole time, Jon Gruden incessantly licked the penis of Kaepernick, proclaiming him to be “the next Randall Cunningham”. Inversely, he repeated the phrase “I would be really upset if I were Jason Campbell” every 29 seconds. I think anybody would be upset to be Jason Campbell! Man, I would hate to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and see Jason Campbell’s face. Even if it wasn’t me and he was just standing in the bathroom mirror with me, I would be in a state of annoyance and panic. I get what Gruden is trying to say. The Bears do not have an offensive line at all and part of Jay Cutler’s strategy is being a human stress ball. That works well and fine for Cutler, [Actually, no. It doesn’t. He’s injured now.] but any other quarterback would be angered by his abandonment. Kaepernick did just fine against the vicious Bears defense. Just look at Frank Gore plowing the shit out of Lance Briggs. That’s the quality of protection that he received. It took a game like this to make the Bear’s winning strategy completely transparent. They simply cannot win a game with offense because they do not plan on winning a game with offense. And hell, they’ve only lost 3, so it must be working.
Join me next week when the Bear’s winning strategy continues to fail, the Lions almost pull an upset and CyboManning has a startling encounter with blade runner-disguised-as-friend/teammate, Eric Decker.