Cashword SECRETS – How to Win at the Lottery

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Do you like money?

Yes?

Nice, isn’t it?

Kinda soft, right?

What could be better?

EASY:

CASHWORDS $$$$$$$

I’ve been playing CASHWORD lottery tickets for over ten years.

My prize total equals: $439 out of $660 spent.

Today, with your help, I WILL WIN BACK MY GODDAMN MONEY YOU CASHWORD GOBLIN FUCKERS!

Ehm:

I have before me all three CASHWORD varieties available in New York State. They are:

MAKE A CASHWORD

CASHWORD DOUBLER

CASHWORD

These are the two dollar CASHWORD varieties. They make more expensive CASHWORDS, but those are for suckaz.

LET’S BEGIN! CASHWORD GET RICH TIME GO!

But wait… maybe you’ve never played CASHWORD before.

Can it be true?

OKAY, for those losers at home who don’t gamble (I know, right?) This is how you play CASHWORD.

You are given letters in a box, A – Z. You match those letters in the words to spell out words. Complete so many words, win up to $10,000!!!!

OKAY GET IT? NOW SHUT UP AND WATCH ME GET RICH!!!!!!!!

First card:

MAKE A CASHWORD

Before we begin, let’s scope this card out to weigh our fortunes.

SCOPING TOOL ONE

First, we go to the three numbers in the bottom left corner.

These #’s will always be 001 – 300.

My expert source Manny, who slings bagels and coffee down at the Lincoln Deli Bodega, gave me a CASHWORD SECRET last month.

If the numbers are less than 100, YOU’RE A WINNER BIGTIME!

If the numbers are over 100, YOU’RE A LOSER KILLYOURSELF!

My number is:

………Dammit.

SCOPING TOOL TWO

Certain words on CASHWORDS means that the CASHWORD is generic and, therefore, WORTHLESS CARDBOARD!

I imagine there is one guy, chain smoking boro reds in Cincinnati, who comes up with all the CASHWORD varieties.

CASHWORD MAN

This card will say winner and lucky and handsome and be WORTHLESS!

CASHWORD MAN

This card will say chronic and blunt and high…. and win $10,000! LEGALIZE NOW UNCLE SAM!!!!!!

The ultimate WORST words to find on your CASHWORD:

SKI

IVY

EBB

FIX

If these words are on your CASHWORD don’t even bother BURN IT.

One last thing….

Not all letters are created equal.

CASHWORD is very much The Wheel of Fortune.

Vowels, especially A and E, are absolutely key.

S-T-N-R-L and to a lesser extend C and D are crucial.

Q-Z and J are FUCKING WORTHLESS.

Okay time to scratch the letters on MAKE A CASHWORD.  I’ll leave the last two covered for suspense.

AND THE LETTERS ARE?????????

R-I-K-T-M-V-N-P-H-J-O-L-W-Y-G-U with the last 2 a mystery.

So, we need an A an E to clinch this shit.

And the last 2 letters ARE????????

D and S.

MOTHERFUCKER ARRRGGGGG

Ehm.

So I lost, so what? WHAT AM I, A FUCKING CASHWORD WIZARD? DON’T JUDGE ME!

So, gotta make my six dollars back on the next two.

CASHWORD DOUBLER

Okay, this one is a DOUBLER, so any word with a C that gets scratched off wins DOUBLE.

What’s DOUBLE of ZERO?

So, none of the bad words. Looking good. What’s the three digit # in the corner? (remember kids, a # below 100 is MUY BUENO!)

……Dammit.

Okay, so our letters ARE????????

N-J-Y-F-O-T-V-C-G-U-X-D-L-W-H-Q with the last two a mystery.

FUCK

A terrible spread, not an A or E in sight. That leaves us with…

The only way I can win JACKSHIT is if those last two letters are I and E.

And the last 2 letters ARE????????

M and A.

GODDAMNBUTTFUCKERSDELUXE

CASHWORD

Okay… relax… no problem… CASHWORD classic will give me my six dollars back.

The number in the corner is 186 DEF NOT UNDER 100 ASSHOLES!

I can do this. This is standard, old school CASHWORD. Scratch the letters, GET RICH. Right? RIGHT?????

And the letters ARE??????

D-T-K-N-C-R-B-P-X-F-L-U-G-W-V-S with the last two a mystery.

Wow… there are no words.

The only way I can win is if the last two letter are O and A.

And the last two letters ARE???????

A and E.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

So, out of three CASHWORDS I won = ZERO FUCKING DOLLARS!

This brings my grand total to $439 out of $666 spent.

666 MARK OF THE BEAST????????

So CASHWORD = THE MOTHERFUCKING DEVIL.

And the secret to winning money at the lottery is:

DON’T PLAY THE LOTTERY DUMBFUCK.

My only consolation is that the lottery money goes to buy little Susie a Biology textbook in Rochester, or so I’m told…..

Governor Cumo probably spends it on Dominican cigars.

So, in closing, ALL YA’LL WHO READ THIS ARTICLE OWE ME SIX DOLLARS!

You can send the cash to:

PSYCHIC PATH

Apt #2 above CASH 4 GOLD PWN SHOP

555 Atlantic City, N.J.