Searching For Jeffery Fisher [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2012 Week 2]

Just as I had predicted, another scandal broke loose with the scab refs. Hours before the Saints-Panthers bloodfest, the NFL made the decision to pull out line judge, Brian Stropolo. Apparently, he had shown invested interest and lifetime allegiance toward the Saints. Something tells me this would not have happened if he were a Panthers fan [but that something could be wrong]. The reality is that refs want to be refs because they enjoy the game of football. When one enjoys football, he is going to have a team that he roots for the most. The NFL cannot expect these undertrained replacements to not have any bias or allegiance. That’s like taking a fat man to a buffet, but then telling him what he can and cannot eat. The problems with these refs keep mounting up higher every day. Some players are even offering to donate money out of their own pockets to get to real zebras back. Even I would donate a dollar or two for the cause. But no, the NFL has stated that they have faith in these guys and will continue to use them. And I have faith this this season is only going to get crazier.

Green Bay Packers 23, Chicago Bears 10
Surprise! The Packers don’t suck! Other Surprise! The Bears still do. Wait, those aren’t surprises at all. Oh well. Aaron Rodgers was held to a mere 219 passing yards, which didn’t end up mattering to anybody. What does matter is the fact that Cedric Benson is back in my life, making all of those smooth moves and tempting me to revert back to the ways of Packer fandom. I am determined to shake his spell, just as I am every year but always fall short of doing. He’s just one of those guys. He’s old as shit, but he still runs like a young Jerome Bettis [LA Rams Jerome Bettis, thank you]. We’ll see how much love he gets in the oncoming weeks, but for now, I feel like he is the missing link in the franchise. Throughout this generation, the Packers have not yet had a reliable ball carrier. He may be the crucial piece of the puzzle. The piece that, once in place, shows undisputedly what the picture you are trying to put together actually is. Oh yeah, and they also need a brand new defense. Just saying is all.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Cleveland Browns 27
They kicked him off the defense. They banned him from strip clubs. He can no longer be served in any Metro-Louisville Area Arbys Restsaurants. But the world could still not hold back Mr Adam Pacman Jones Esq.

Aw sahn! Look at him eat up dem pellets! I love Pacman more than I love Pacman! If I were rich, I’d move to Cincinnati. If I lived in Cincinnati, I’d be bored as hell. I would have to buy Bengals season tickets. Then I would concoct a giant wooden Pacman with a mouth that I’d be able to move with my arms. And that would be me: front row on the 50 yard line, IV drip of Skyline Chili connected, clutching my oversized puck and annoying the shittles out of everybody with my awful video game sound effects. I would go down in history as the biggest/dumbest/Cozest Pacman Jones fan that had ever lived. Joe Buck would interview me for some reason and I would try to bite his head off as if it were a delicious pellet. A scandal would ensue and after hiring a good lawyer [note: I’m richer than Joe Buck], I would get that fucker banned from the broadcast airwaves forever. That would earn me the key to the city and I’d spend the rest of my life trying to find a hardware store willing to make copies. WAHH WAHH WAHH WAHH WAHH WAHH!

Indianapolis Colts 23, Minnesota Vikings 20
C’mon everybody, let’s give Andrew Luck a round of applause for his first win! I know, you’re rolling your eyes. Not only are rounds of applause passé, Andrew Luck probably isn’t panning out the way Colts fans expected him to. In recent history, we’ve been subjected to rookies that come out of the gate running, while rattling cages and shaking babies [hands] at the same time. But not everybody can be like Cam Newton or RGIII or Tim Tebow or Christian Ponder. It’s extremely hard to make it as an NFL QB, especially being one that has a whole years worth of hype to live up to. Having fans showing distrust makes it even harder. It took Peyton Manning 4 games to actually come up with a win. Similar things can be said about Joe Montana [4 games] and John Elway [6 games]. You know who won on the first game? Daunte Culpepper. You know who else? Ryan Leaf. He’s in jail now. Do you want Andrew Luck to go to jail? I didn’t think so.

Miami Dolphins 35, Oakland Raiders 13
Top 5 Things That Get Better With Age
5) Wine
4) Sex
3) Cheese
2) Sinbad
1) Reggie Bush

After selling himself out for pizza and banging a Kardashian or 3, Reggie Bush has finally found his place in the world. It’s just a damn shame that place is Miami…

Buffalo Bills 35, Kansas City Chiefs 17
As it becomes increasingly harder to cover 16 games a week, I had to pull in a little help from another friend. I would like to introduce my new Bills correspondent, D Millions [AKA DJ Skymall/D Dozens/D Doez/Dan Miller], in his new segment, “Counting the Bills w/ D Millions”. Take it away, Danny:

Jim Kelly, Andre Reed, Jack Kemp, Thurman Thomas, Bruce Smith, O.J. Simpson. The Buffalo Bills have been peppered with exceptional brand-name talent through the better part of their history [sans maybe the last decade give/take]. Players renowned not only for talent, but their for their grit, sheer will, and killer instincts. Playing at the mercy of temperatures well below freezing, in an open-air stadium on AstroTurf, you have to be hard as motherfuckin diamond to sustain a football game, let alone win one.

That said, we all know the story of the contemporary Bills; they have sucked for a long time. Without getting too specific, ineptitude has been systematic in coaching, drafting, free agency, and front office activity. They enjoy the longest playoff-less streak in the NFL, currently at 12 years. But a new crop of deliberately recruited and developed talent has turned up in Western New York. Now in week 2 of the new season, another hero led the Bills to their first victory. [Let’s not rehash the Bills’ rout by the Jets last week, mmkay?] Given Fred Jackson’s absence from the depth chart (knee, out 3 weeks), the Bills offense needed a serious boost in order to avoid scoring 9 points in a game.

Enter C.J. Spiller. Two touchdowns and 123 yards on [only] 8 carries bested nearly every back in the league. Not that this comes as much of a surprise. Spiller has proven explosive ability [see: Clemson] and was picked ninth overall in the 2010 draft. Serving as a decent utility back and P/K returner his first two seasons [he started every game in 2011], Spiller found the end zone few times and put up some efficient numbers. With Fred Jackson [age 31] in question and a significant number of starts in jeopardy, this offensive spark is exactly what doctored ordered.

The defense gave up 17 and I can live with that. Especially considering the two touchdowns came out of sheer domination from Dwayne Bowe [ED NOTE: Dwayne Bowe can kill an entire family on Christmas and nobody would care]. I’ll give the Bills’ secondary a pass on those, considering the mitigating circumstances. In week 3, the team travels west on Interstate 90 to face the Browns in Cleveland. Recent memory recalls this matchup has lead to horrible, horrible professional football. Invariably, one team [sometimes both] will fail to score a touchdown. But now with both teams on the move [kinda], it could lead an interesting game.

So there it is. The Bills will not go undefeated this season, C.J. Spiller can play football, and people in Buffalo have a marginally better reason to get trashed this week. Consider this miserable bastard an optimist. Move over, O.J., there’s a new juice in town: cranberry.

I don’t know man, when I think of CJ Spiller, I think of some sort of pomegranate açai bullshit.

Arizona Cardinals 20, New England Patriots 18
I’m sure a lot of people are wondering what happened here. On one end, I could explain that the Patriots spent most of the day relying on their running game, head by Stevan Ridley, who had a great game last week [and got laid]. This formula didn’t pan out against the Cardinal’s D [but Stevan Ridley still got laid]. That’s the easy and most logical way of explaining the loss, but that takes all of the fun out of it. What I’m actually convinced is that Belichick threw the game. After all, it’s not very characteristic of Stephen Gostkowski to miss a 47 yard field goal with seconds left. Bill told Steve to miss that kick. He probably even got a little bonus for doing so. And why would Bill do this? To give the Cardinals another win, of course. He wants to do everything in his power to deflate the ego of Jim Harbaugh and the 49ers. To make a lesser team be tied with them in the NFC West, to make them constantly look over their shoulders and ultimately, cause them to put all of their eggs in one basket. So instead of focusing on more noteworthy opponents, the 49ers will focus all of their energy in beating the Cardinals. They’ll do voodoo curses, hexes, spells, you name it. They’ll pick off people on the street that look like Kevin Kolb and pummel him within an inch of his life. [Prospective dialogue: “Dude, stop it, he looks more like John Skelton!”] And then when they least suspect it, BAM, a surprise win at home for the Patriots in week 15! Of course, at that point they will be 5-9, but at least they’ll have bragging rights next season. Bill Belichick is a weird guy…

Port Authority Giants 41, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 34
We all knew that Eli Manning was capable of throwing garbage yards. What I was not aware of was his ability to turn garbage yards into a win. 510 of them, to be exact, which gave wet dreams to fantasy owners across the world. I was on the blanket side of the wet dream, as the 80+ fantasy points scored by him made it impossible for me to make anything resembling a comeback. I still can’t wash the remnants of dream juice off myself. I smell like a 13 year old’s bedroom. Even flies don’t want anything to do with me. It’s been a rough week…

Philadelphia Eagles 24, Baltimore Ravens 23
The Eagles are incapable of winning a game by more than 1 point. Ron Mexico Michael Vick just won’t allow it. He has to make every win look close, even if it shouldn’t be. That’s his new gimmick, one that he stumbled upon in amidst of Tobowmania circa 2011. These days, wins just don’t go recognized unless there’s a differential of less than 3 points. Just look at the Chargers: they’re kicking much ass of their oppenents and I still think they suck. We’ve been privileged to see so many close nailbiters recently that any blow-out becomes unacceptable. One looks at the final score of this game and can immediately infer that it was a defensive struggle of epic proportions, with an outcome so shocking that fans were killed in the chaos that ensued afterward. But then you watch the actual game and see two teams struggling to do anything that can be defined as “good”. The Eagles turned the ball over 3 times in the red zone. If that had not happened, the score would have been blown wide open and nobody would be interested. When given a chance to drive the ball with plenty of time left, Joe Flacco couldn’t help but go Flacco, throwing 4 atrocious incompletions in a row to end the game. And of course, Ray Lewis blames the scab refs for the loss. It’s easy to blame to scabs when the other option is to blame your teammates. Even if given the opportunity to take the blame, Joe Flacco would rather not. He hates attention. And Funyuns. The dude hates attention and Funyuns.

Carolina Panthers 35, New Orleans ‘Aints 27
Cam Newton isn’t afraid of anybody. Even if there were a bounty on his head, he would still take every snap with infinite poise. He runs at defenders instead of away from them. A 10-man jampile doesn’t slow him down one bit, he’ll still sacrifice his body for the sake of a few extra yards. This is what separates him from every other quarterback in the NFL. However, a lot of credit for this win has to go to the Panther’s defense. This is the first time I’ve actually seen them show up when it mattered. Charles Godfrey and James Anderson were able to put the pressure on, putting a halt to the Saint’s showstopping passing game. Since the offseason, I’ve had the Panthers pegged to take the NFC South, which put me in the minority. And after seeing the display they put on here, I can’t help but feel even more confident about my crazed prediction. Cam has to make things happen while he’s still young, because if he doesn’t, his unflinching playing style will lead him to early retirement/dementia.

Houston Texans 27, Jacksonville Jaguars 7
Matt Schaub just doesn’t make my blanket wet. I can’t trust the shady guy. At any given moment in the season, he will self-destruct, thus ending said season for everyone. The past few years have been a roller coaster of me becoming excited about the Texans and then becoming increasingly disappointed when they fall flat on their faces. I don’t even want to say anything else about them, or else I’d be at risk of jinxing the rest of their season. But still, Arian Foster and Ben Tate rushed for a combined total of–ah, fuggit. Can’t do it.

St Louis Rams 31, Washington Redskins 28
Jeff Fisher was hightailing it northbound on I-75. Squinted eyes, pedal to the floor and teeth grinding, he had to make it to Lexington as soon as possible. He had a dame or two waiting for him there. Even if they don’t have any intel for him, he could at least have the peace of mind of having his ladies by his side. If only for a little while. Looking in the crooked rearview mirror, he saw the blue Caddy hauling back into vision. He fished out his magnum, kissed it for good luck and shot. This time, his hit was direct, as the Caddy lost momentum and spun out of control, crashing into an oncoming watermelon truck. Sighing in relief, he knew the hard part of getting there was over. That’s when he felt the cold steel at the back of his finely trimmed head.

“Don’t you fucking move, don’t even make a sound. Just slowly merge right and park it”, a wry voice ordered. Reluctantly, Jeff put the car into park and listened for further instructions. “Don’t you have anything to say?”, the voice beckoned.
“You told me not t–”
“I told you not to do anything stupid!”
“What do you want from me?”
“We know who you are. You can’t fool us.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m just some lowly police officer, down on his luck after trying to save the president.”
“Bullshit. You’re Jeff Fisher. And we need you. We need you more than anybody has ever needed anybody.”
“And where exactly do you need me?”
“St Louis”
“…”
“…”
“St Louis?”
“St Louis.”
“Considering that you have a gun to my head, I probably don’t have a choice, right?”
“See, you’re a smart guy. That’s why we need you.”
“Well…what are we waiting for? Let’s go get this shit over with…”
With that, the car drove out of sight. Nobody in Nashville ever saw Jeff Fisher again. That was, until a week ago when they saw him on the television screen, coaching the Rams. Although he looks a lot like him and has the same name, most folks believe that it’s just some other guy, trying to live on the legacy of a man that couldn’t even leave his own.

Seattle Seahawks 27, Dallas Cowboys 7
The A train is a pussy. It goes under the guise of an “Express Train” but has timers that slow it down to snail-like speeds. If an A train pulls into Canal St at the same time as a C local, the C will get the right of way and the A has to wait for it to clear the signals. Then when the trains diverge onto their own tracks after Hoyt-Schermerhorn, everyone assumes that the A is going to breeze past the C by the time it hits Clinton-Washington. This is hardly ever the case. Even though the A train bypasses 3 stations in between Hoyt and Nostrand, the C will beat the A there 75% of the time. The past 2 nights, I have gotten in Canal st just in time to miss the closing doors of the C train, leaving me to hop onto the crowded A in hopes that it will chase the motherfucker down. Both times, I’ve rushed down to the local platform at Nostrand to find the C train long gone, already halfway to my home stop at K-Throop. Then I had to walk home from Nostrand, adding another 10 minutes to my nightly commute. Express train, my ass.

Pittsburgh Steelers 27, Port Authority Jets 10
It’s not even October yet and all of the state of New York is pissed off at Rex Ryan. It was very clear that Marc Sanchez could not get anything done. Even for Sanchez standards, he was having one of the worst games of his life. It only seemed fair to bring in Tebow late in the game, as a comeback was still very much in reach. On the first snap, he runs up the middle for 21 yards. Then he hands the ball off twice for minimal yardage. After that, he was replaced by Sanchez, never to be seen again. With his position intact, Marc proceeded to suck even more, thus locking the game as a loss. Jets fans and Tebow fans alike recoiled in horror, as the game did not have to end that way. If your quarterback hasn’t made a completion in over 2 quarters, don’t you think it would be time to try someone else? If they paid all that money for Tebow, shouldn’t they let him throw the ball every once in a while? After the game, Rex made the statement he pulled Tebow because that’s what he wanted to do. He also “optimistically” stated that he can see Tebow throwing a pass or two by the end of the season. So there you have it. The Jets bought a Show Dog and now they got him out back, fighting with Rottweilers. That’s a good use of money. The Jets are gonna go far this year.

San Diego Super-esque Chargers 38, Tennessee Titans 10
Woah dude! The Chargers, like, were able to score touchdowns in the red zone and stuff! That’s pretty gnarly, I guess. I mean…it’d be gnarlier if they would…like…do it against a more righteous team. But it’s like my old man always says, “A win’s a win. Go get me a soda!”, because he loves his Chargers and his grape soda. I try to stay away from the stuff. Shit makes my guts all bubbly. Woah!

San Francisco 49ers 27, Detroit Lions 19
At this point, I have been waiting for Robby Nast’s segment of the roundup for 82 hours. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s going to do it, so here’s my roundup of the game in 82 words:

We all kind of thought in the back of our minds that the Lions would lose, and yeah, we were right. Just as they shut down Aaron Rodgers, the San Francisco D did not allow Stafford to do anything to better his team. And of course, Alex Smith got much protection from his line and looks better than ever. Well, not facially better, especially after getting kicked in the face late in the game, which turned into highlight reel porn instantly. Guh.

Atlanta Falcons 27, Denver Broncos 21
Dr CyboManning MD [the MD is for MegaDrive] encountered a lot of bugs and viruses on Monday. The RoboManning that the world knew and loved was designed to play in domes. However, with the Cybo upgrade, he had to be programmed to play in cold, thin air. Suddenly, the artificial environment was not up to his optimal playing conditions. He was throwing wild passes left, right and backwards. His heat vision sensors were going haywire, as he wasn’t able to locate oncoming defenders. By the end of the game, he appeared to be tired, confused and in sore need of another upgrade. This may be a hiccup in what could otherwise be a flourishing season for CyboManning or this could be the first sign that John Elway made a huge error in putting the chips back together. This is what happens when you program robots to play football. The dream of having unlimited consistency can crash at any second when one notices all of the glitches that come with them. The only thing we can do is wait and see what happens next…

After week 2, things are looking a little strange across the league. Both the NFC North and AFC East have a 4-way tie for first place. The only winless team in the NFC is the Saints, which is something that nobody could have predicted. In that same regard, there’s only one 2-0 team that looks like a potential playoff contender. This could only mean that the ’74 Dolphins are going to be popping their champagne by mid-October. I’m sure every season starts off with these strange statistics, but this is the first time I’ve noticed them to exist. Needless to say, the next 3 months are going to be a wild ride.

Join me next week when Belichick throws the game against Baltimore to scare Pittsburgh, Alex Smith throws a ball at himself to break his nose and the Chargers play against a team that could actually be labeled as “goo”.

-TeeCoZee

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