All Your QB Nightmares Shall Now Come True [TeeCoZee’s “Haunted” NFL Roundup 2010 Week 7]

Alright folks, let’s all take a deep breath. This week was the highest scoring week in the NFL since 1983. There were a lot of close shootouts and a couple of severe blowouts. Nevertheless, it was an exciting week for every football fan [unless you root for the Saints, Cowboys, Broncos, Jaguars, or any team on a bye week]. With Halloween coming up this weekend, I have decided to inject little bits of horror into the summaries. I can only hope this wasn’t done in vain, as it is the first of a few articles that will be unofficially titled the BfD Halloween Extravaganza. Expect some articles littered throughout the week to commemorate the holiday. But for now, lets talk about football. And murder.

Atlanta Falcons 39, Cincinnati Bungles 32

Roddy White is the best WR in the biz. If you don’t believe me, you can go fuck yourself. With a Roddy White Starting Lineup figurine. They still make those, right? Well, go shove one up your ass if you weren’t impressed with a statline like 11/201/2. He leads the league in receiving with 747 painstaking yards. He is one of the main reasons of why I geek out hardcore for the Falcons. Another good reason would be Michael Turner. The Burner tore ass up this week with 23/121/2, and is well on his way to making the top of the rushing leader list. For the first time in team history, I have nothing but confidence in them. All of this sounds, looks, and feels great, but this came at a cost of seeing one of my favorite teams fail again. It’s like seeing your best friend kill a good teacher; you’re excited about the kill, but damn, did he have to kill HIM? Okay, that’s a terrible example, but you get my point. And it’s not that the Bengals are under-performing, either. Carson Palmer threw for over 4 hundo, Benson was beastly, a damn rookie caught 131, Adam “Don’t Call Me Pac-Man Jones” Jones ate up a bunch of TD-inducing pellets after a pick  and T-Ocho caught around 100-a-piece. All seemed well, and if they were playing the Bills they would’ve won easily. But they just have problems with starting up games. They get far behind, and even though the Big Comeback is threatened, it never quite happens. At 2-4, they aren’t exactly Done, but if The Raves and Rapists keep raving and raping, then yeah. They done.

Pittsboro Steals 23, Miami Doll Fins 22

If you hear anything about this game, you would think it was only one play long. So I will treat it as such. This was one of the shortest games in NFL history [Only 1 play longer than the now-infamous “Game That Never Happened”], The Dolphins started out with a 2 point lead. Nobody knows where this lead actually came from, and Roger Goodell has still not been reached for comment. The Steelers started out at the Miami 2 yard line. Ben Rapeaburger sneaked towards the endzone and fumbled the ball. The ball was recovered by the Dolphins, but the officials called a Steelers touchdown. So it was reviewed, of course. And it was confirmed that Ben fumbled the ball, and even though the Dolphins came up with the ball ultimately, it wasn’t conclusive enough evidence to overturn the recovery [the ball has even testified a Miami recovery, but previous drug testing problems deemed the ball “untrustworthy” to officials]. Because of this, the Steelers got the ball on the 1 yard line. This means that 3 points get added to their score, and at the gunshot, the game was over and everyone went home. After the game, the Dolphins locker room was full of bitching and moaning about how the game was only 1 play long. They all claimed it was not fair, and that they should have been rewarded that fumble. As Chris Berman would say, “That’s Why They Play The Game”. And also, as Ryan Leaf would say, “Don’t talk to me, alright?!?!?”

Ray Lewis & The Vacuums 37, The Woeful Bills 34 [OT]

Ray Lewis is a demon. That’s the only explanation that makes sense. He is the demon that controls his team of minions to do nothing but destroy. For the first decade or so of rule, Ray’s army has consisted only of a defense. Now this has spread into an offense, and the Baltimore Ravens are a force that must be stopped at all costs. To all of the NFL’s misfortune, the Ravens play against teams like the Bills. Even before the game started, everyone had a sense of dread. It was as if Clint Howard was about to attack an unsuspecting mentally handicapped child. However this time around, the kid had a baseball bat, and he utilized his retard strength to try and take down Clint Howard. He mercilessly bludgeoned his attacker to the point of near-victory. The Bills were playing as a dangerously desperate team, and one that pulled out all stops. They were downright determined to get their first win of the season. Ryan Fitzpatrick looked like an actual QB, and the Bills at one time had a 24-10 lead. But, of course, Joe Flacco [who the fuck actually succeeds with a flea flicker? This guy!] and co. did their best to soften the gap, and they did so with stride. In overtime, the truth was laid out plain and simple: Clint Howard has a gun, and shot the poor kid to death. [Ray Lewis stripped a ball and recovered it. Demons win. The end.]

The Browns? The Browns! 30, Defending Super Bowl Champs 59 17

Drew Brees threw 2 TD passes to a 265 lb man named David Bowens. One for 30 yards and another for 64. I would say that’s pretty fucking impressive for both of them. But, oh wait, David Bowens is an inside linebacker. And he plays for the Browns.

[Please take this space as a moment to sit back, relax, and laugh with me.]

[Didn’t that feel good?]

So, the Cleveland Bro–

[Laugh some more. Really yuck it up this time.]

In all seriousness though, the Saints practically beat themselves at home. Drew Brees threw 4 interceptions and their rushing game was dismal. The Browns simply got the job done on defense and special teams, which is a situation that is equivalent to any team’s worst nightmare. Nobody wants to get beaten that way. Looking at the stats [minus the multiple fatal miscues], the Saints should have blown them out. To be fair, Cleveland’s starting QB Colt McCoy is a rookie, and one without any feasible receiving weapons. Peyton Hillis did most of the highlight making on the Brown offense, but still failed to even break 70 yards [unless you count his 13 passing yards, which seemed to make him look like a more suitable QB than McCoy]. This was another one of those “off-games” that the Saints have been notorious for this season. It’s hard to say with a straight face that they are still Playoff contenders. This has been a slow burn for this team, as they have a pretty lean schedule. Considering that they get beaten by the Browns, it’s shudder-worthy to think about what’s in store for them in the future. Wow, kind of like how the Cowboys are going. Or the Chargers. Fucking spooky…

Washington Indians 17, Chicago Bears 14

Jay Cutler used to be a good quarterback. That’s not to say he was a great quarterback, but a good one. He was well-to-do and always had the best intentions, even when those intentions more often than not turned into failures. Then one autumn afternoon, he meets a man named DeAngelo Hall. And DeAngelo Hall ate his soul. Picked him off 4 times and got more receiving yards than any of poor Jay’s friends. This was a performance that will haunt Jay for years. Every defender from this point on will look like DeAngelo Hall. His wife will look like DeAngelo Hall. His mailman will look like DeAngelo Hall. His coaches, teammates, friends, barbers and DeAngelo Halls will look like DeAngelo Hall. It will drive Mr Cutler near the brink of insanity. Everyday encounters with people will result in Jay sobbing mercilessly. He will spend his offseason in a Montana Cabin, writing his memoirs. The memoirs will read as follows:

DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. Ditka. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. Bears. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall. DeAngelo Hall.

The book will be released with great hype, especially after the 12/27/10 debacle in which Jay Cutler, in a near catatonic state, awakens to pull a gun on Darelle Revis, simply for acting just like DeAngelo Hall. The book will sell millions of copies, and all of the readers will demand refunds. On a cold summers night in Bangladesh, Jay Cutler will be stabbed to death. There are no definitive leads, but insiders suggest he was stabbed by DeAngelo Hall.

Carolina Panthers 23, San Francisco 1-6ers 20

Just thinking about this game gives me goosebumps. Not because it was a thrilling showdown, but because I really don’t feel like writing about this game. As a matter of fact, I’m not going to write about this game! Insetad, let me pass the pen over to my partner in grime, Robert Nastro, for a bye week edition of “The Lion’s Den, W/ Ol’ Uncle Nasty”:

Happy Halloween from the Lion’s Den! Being that the Lion’s are on their bye week, I thought I’d take this opportunity to put on my best John Madden Halloween Costume and give some thought’s on this years NFL season. TRICK! John Madden is maddening to listen to. He’s the guy that always says something like “Well on that play the wide receiver just needs to catch the ball, then they would have had the first down.” Genius. So instead I’ll just give you some bone chilling analysis of my top tricks and treats this NFL season.

Week one had the “Most disputed call of the season”, Calvin Johnson’s arobatic one handed catch which would have almost certainly given the Lions a road victory over the Rival Bears: TRICK! Sorry Calvin, apparently possession of the ball and two feet in the end zone isn’t good enough in the NFL these days. So the NFL, in the process of bending over the Lions, reviewed it and took the originally called touchdown away. Oh yeah, and with that, the Lions road losing streak is now tied with the record they already set. Boo!

Brett Favre’s decision to complete more sexually charged text messages than throw touchdown passes for Minnesota this season. Really, Brett? I understand you probably think you’re the baddest thing since the Marlboro man but you didn’t see him leaving voicemails talking about getting his cigarette smoked. TREAT! I’m sick of Brett Favre, period. But the controversy surrounding him and the Vikings mediocre start makes me grin cheek to cheek. Now his elbow hurts and his ankle is busted up. Maybe it’s time for him to go back to playing with high school athletes.

The bears had a hot start to this season. TRICK! See above. After being given a week one victory against the Detroit Lions the bears have started to show their true colors. Cutler’s starting to get sacked more then a veteran porn star and Mike Martz doesn’t seem to make many money shots happen (touchdowns). I bet Jon Kitna’s happy that he didn’t sign as the bear’s back up. Wait, who is the Bear’s back up? BUAH HAHA!

The Dallas Cowgirls. Nothing like someone pulling up your skirts and finding out you aren’t so big after all. Many analysis’s pre-season super bowl pick’s future is looking ghostly grim. TREAT: With Tony Romo on the side line and Wade Philips looking and thinking like Boss Hogg, I really don’t forsee these flukes of hazard wreaking much havoc for the rest of the season. On a positive note Kitna and “Precious” Roy Williams will have a chance later this season to prove to Detroit that they belonged together. (snicker)

Finally, the “New most disputed call of the season”. Ben Rothelisburgers fumble on the goal line versus the Dolphins this past weekend. TRICK! Are you kidding me? No really, someone tell me what the hell was going on with the officiating on that call? Did Ben make a deal with the Devil? I mean seriously, everything about the way the call was handled in that situation was absolutely bogus. Clearly, the ball comes out, and clearly Alma-Francis (another former Lion) looks to fall on the football. Then the review determines that because they couldn’t tell who recovered the ball that Pittsburgh get’s it on the goal line????? If it was recovered by Pittsburgh it should be a touchdown. If it was recovered by Miami it should be a touchback. End of story. Why do I start to get the feeling David Stern and Rodger Godell are becoming good business buddies…?

This upcoming Sunday, Lion’s fan’s get a treat in the return of their starting quarterback Matthew Stafford. He returns to the reigns of a Lions team that ranks an impressive 2nd in total offense in the NFC. Hopefully we will return the same confident gunslinger that he started off as this season. Hopefully he will not return in a Joey Harrington costume and throw passes with his eyes closed. Happy Halloween. Oh shit…did somebody smash my Jack Del Ri-O Lantern???

Joe Montana? I Fucked ‘Im! Ohhh! 42, Jax Jag 20

The Adventures of Ford Fairlane has to be one of the finest films ever made. It’s got action, comedy, romance, and Ed O’Neil singing a song called “Bootytime”. It’s just fucking perfect. Andrew Dice Clay plays a rock n roll detective that gets paid in sex and Koala Bears. Wayne Newton plays an evil record exec hellbent on covering up a secret to a murder. Gilbert Godfrey is a DJ that gets electrocuted to death. There’s tits, one-liners, and the fourth wall gets broken so many times, you might think it doesn’t exist! You can’t really afford to not see this movie!

Tampa Bay Bucs 18, St. Louis Rammers 17

Steven Jackson is now the Ram’s all-time leading rusher. For some reason, I thought that he has only been in the league for 3 years. Apparently, it’s been six. Could’ve fooled me. That’s how long the Rams have been avoiding the radar. Even star players hardly get any credibility or recognition at all. But all time rushing leader? Past Eric Dickerson? Past Jerome Bettis? Past Marshall Faulk? Fact of the matter is, Eric Dickerson spent only 4 years in Los Angeles. Jerome Bettis only spent 2. Marshall Faulk spent 7 years in St Louis, but that was the butt end of his career, so no record possible there. [Plus, we must also bring to light that The Rams were actually successful for some of those years that Marshall resided] Steven Jackson is the all-time Rams rushing leader for only 2 reasons:

1) He was dumb and comfortable enough to stay with a balls-dirty team for 6 years

2) Those 6 years have consisted of him carrying the team on his shoulders, being the sole star player

Even Darren Sproles could break a record like that if given enough time and those circumstances. Okay, maybe he couldn’t, but you get my point. Steven Jackson breaking that record only proves that the Rams have a very rusted & embarrassing legacy, and Steven deserves to play for a better squad. Problem is, he probably won’t play for a better squad; The Rams are starting to show meager signs of life, pulling off some major upsets. They definitely aren’t a contender next year, but Sam Bradford has nothing but room to grow as a QB, and the receiving corps are improving. Even if they don’t improve, Steven still has his priorities in check. After all, would you rather be just another peasant in the kingdom, or the king of the slums? Steven wants to be king…

Tennessee Titans 37, The Eagles Sans Vick 19

Here’s a strange matchup for you: Two teams on the verge of being great lose their starting quarterbacks. These starting quarterbacks have spent a good share of time not being the starting quarterback. They are both African-American quarterbacks that have seen their place in the sun, but lost it to a sordid personal life [whether it involves dogfighting or threatening suicide]. Both of the back-up quarterbacks have spent their share of time as the starting quarterback, as they are both highly serviceable as starters. They are both clean-cut white boys that have never been familiar with the word “controversy”. One would believe that this would be an even-keeled game, but 3 facts must go into play:

1) Kerry Collins has been to a Super Bowl. Kevin Kolb has been to Radio Shack.

2) Nobody can stop Chris Johnson. Everybody stops LeShawn McCoy. [What a douchy name]

3) Kenny Britt only plays for one of these teams.

With these 3 facts in mind, it makes sense that the Titans stomped all over Philly. I’ve been waiting for a few weeks to talk about Kenny Britt, and after this game, he can now not be ignored. The fucking goliath went 7/225/3. That’s 225 yards in 7 catches?!?!? The fuck! Do the math, Bozo! That’s 32 yards per catch! King Kong aint got shit on him! Kenny is a one-man army, and he plays for a team that doesn’t need a one-man army! At 5-2, it’s becoming clear that the Titans are an exciting team to follow, and one that will be followed into the playoffs. As for the Eagles, well, they really need a rushing game. And Mikey Vick needs to get well soon. Or else, we’re looking at a mediocre season in a not-so-mediocre division [AKA no limping in this year].

The Team Seattleans Don’t Even Give a Fuck About 22, Boston Cardinals 10

I swear that I watched quite a bit of this game. The computer was on mute while I watched the San Diego game, but I swear that this game was on the whole time. But with the excitement going on in Denver, and my personal investment in the San Diego happenings, I completely pushed this game out of my memory. My disdain towards these generally “meh” teams probably also contributed to this. So let me throw some quick stats out, so we can be done. Marshawn Lynch has found a much more suitable home in Seattle, as he rushed for 89 yards. Derek Anderson is a little bitch that can’t even surpass 100 yards passing. Seattle WR Mike Williams [How many Mike Williamses are there?!?!?] probably raised an eyebrow or two. I sorely hope that both of these teams go nowhere this season, so once January comes around, I can stop forcing myself to talk about them.

New England Patriots 23, The 2-5 San Diego Super Chargers 20

October 31, 1994. I am 7 years old, and already a Chargers fanatic. My fandom was conceived only 4 weeks prior, as I had just started delving into the Pro Football universe. I asked my father who the best team in the league was, and he told me that the San Diego Chargers were undefeated. So it was done. From that moment on, the Chargers were my team. Back then, they were led by Stan Humphries, Natrone Means, Tony Martin, Eric Beinemy, Leslie Neal, and of course, the legendary Junior Seau. When it came time to pick out a Halloween costume, I knew that it was my mission to be a Charger, more specifically Stan Humphries [of whom I idolized]. The costume came in the mail, complete with helmet jersey, pants and shoulderpads. This made it official: I was a Charger. However, I was befuddled that the jersey was for #17, a player that did not exist at the time [It would be another [horrendous] 10 years until the number 17 actually meant anything]. So on a drizzly Halloween night, I got my payload and settled down on the couch to watch Monday Night Football. It was Eric Kramer and the Bears against Brett Favre and the Pack, in a game that became infamous for it’s torrential Chicago downpour. The weather caused the game to suck terribly, but regardless, I had the game on videotape and watched it dozens of times during the offseasons of my childhood. I can still remember the intro clearly, complete with Jack O’ Lantern versions of Al Michaels and Dan Dierdorf. This was probably the most memorable Halloween of my life.

Fast-forward to today, and things are all too different. The Chargers are now 2-5, and are slumping into the twilight of their “dynasty”. Time and time again, they have fallen prone to slow starts and terrible mistakes. This game had it all: backwards passes being dropped and assumed incomplete, receivers setting the ball down without being touched, and Norv’s acne scars pulsed in rage. The only  element that prevented a complete blowout was the San Diego defense. The held the Pats down to a mere 38 yards in the first half.It was the constant offensive blunders that gave the Pats 13 points. The third quarter consisted only of two drives. There was one rally by Tom Brady that lasted over 7 minutes that made the score 20-3, then Phillip Rivers answered back with an almost as long drive that lasted into the 4th quarter, resulting in a Chris Brown field goal. Then Chargers then pummeled again with 14 unanswered points in 7 minutes. Down by three, with 2 minutes left and in Patriots territory, it seemed as if they could FINALLY pull of a good comeback. Chris Brown was ready to go with a 45 yard field goal, when yellow flags flew: false start. The now-50 yard attempt was shanked, and once again, the Chargers special teams fucked everything up. In the end, I can’t feel very sad about this loss. The may be due in part to my numbness towards their general fuck-uppery. But a little bit inside still thinks that they stand a chance. They are still only 2 1/2 games from the top of the AFC West. Considering the way in which the division is developing, a 9-7 team could very easily take the throne and steal a playoff spot. But of course, that means they have to win 7 more games…

OAKLAND FUCKING RAIDERS 59, Some Chumps In Mile High 14

I don’t think a single person saw this coming. The Oakland Raiders marched into Mile High and made history. With their 50+ years of illustrious history [one that includes multiple Super Bowl wins], they have never scored 59 points in a game. I guess there’s a first time for everything. Myself and many others have spent this season believing that the Broncos and Raiders were pretty much equals: an impressive win here and there, but definitely not a mature team in any sense. The Raiders proved the entire world wrong, as they slaughtered Denver on both sides of the ball. Just thinking about this game makes me short of breath. The Raiders are truly a team to not be flexed with. Darren McFadden utilized Bo Jackson-like speed to rush for 165 and 3 TDs. Jason Campbell wasn’t benched, and actually threw a completion rating of over 50%. They made fools out of everyone in that stadium, and I now have the utmost respect for this underdog franchise. There, are you fucking happy, Mike? It finally happened. I respect the Raiders!

Aaron Rogers 28, Brett Favre 24, Fucked Seasons 1

Brett Favre is a fucking asshole. He thinks that because he is a living legend, he has every right to see every snap regardless of how hurt he is. This novelty is screwing over the Viking franchise, and caused him to throw 3 picks [including a pick-6] to the Packers defense. He was obviously playing the second half of the game with a hurt ankle, and he made a point to emphasize his toughness. He also made a point to emphasize his worthlessness. If he isn’t feeling 75% by Sunday, Brad Childress would be a fucking idiot to not bench him. Tavaris Jackson may not be an incredible QB, but he can certainly get the job done from time to time. It’s about damn time that Brett Favre stops his ego inflating Cal Ripken streak creamdream whateverthefuckitis. Of course, this means that the Packers were on-duty this week, and looking pretty damn good. The defense is only getting stronger and stronger with the likes of Clay Matthews and AJ Hawk. They still need a running game, and this missing piece will plague them for the rest of the season…

New York Giants 41, Did I Mention The Cowboys Are Also Fucked? 35

Aaah, Monday Night Football: Where every superfan’s nightmares come true. This game brought much-deserved and foreshadowed terror into the hearts of every Cowboys fan. Not only were they demolished [Don’t let the score fool you…the Ginats got lazy as hell at the end] on their home turf, but they also suffered the loss of Tony fucking Romo. In the first half, he fractured is clavicle [collarbone]. This is normally not a good thing [always not a good thing], and he is more than  likely out for the season. There is always this terrible feeling of dread when a franchise QB is benched for the remainder of a season, especially at a time of which the team needs him the most. Now it is up to the legendary Jon Kitna to turn this crestfallen team around. However, we live in reality, and Kitna may be blessed by the lord himself, but there will be no turning around. At the best, the Cowboys will finish the season 4-12, and will probably lose some dedicated fans. Jon Kitna just kind of does this to people. On the Giants side of the world, they were looking good, but sloppy. Eli Manning threw 4 touchdowns, but 3 interceptions. Ahmad Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs rushed for a total of 200 yards, but they each lost a fumble. This is a team that could easily slide into the playoffs [as long as they keep the Skins and Eagles down] and perhaps have a good streak leading into the Super Bowl. A Super Bowl against the Jets. Wouldn’t that be something? It would, wouldn’t it…

With Halloween rapidly approaching, it is becoming apparent that I may be too busy to catch any full games next week. I really don’t want to do this, but for quality sake, I am going to give myself a bye week. The Roundup will return on November 9, on our brand spanking new website. In the meantime, I hope you all have a happy holiday and enjoy the rest of our BfD Halloween Extravaganza!

-TeeCoZee