Tim Tebow Scored A Touchdown, And Now The Whole Division Must Lose [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup 2010 Week 6]
I’m a busy man, so let’s make this quick. A lot of strange and stupid shit happened on Sunday. The AFC West division went winless. 3 of those teams are now on what you would call a “losing streak”. This is what happens when the people that make the schedule forget to spread out the inter-division games. Entire groups of teams get laughed at. Unfortunately, my beloved Chargers are in that same division. You know what that means…let’s get this shit started before I get any sadder!
Miami Dolphins 23, Green Bay Packers 20 [OT]
This game felt very stereotypical for a few reasons. First off, I can not ever recall a time in which the Packers have been able to get it done in overtime. Even in the Favre era, Green Bay has always been cursed after regulation. Most memorably, this has happened a few times in the playoffs. As soon as the clocked rolled out of the 4th quarter, it was painfully obvious that the Dolphins were going to win. This was bound to happen whether or not they deserved it [which can be argued]. This game also showcased the stereotypical Dolphins that we have all grown to love. Chad Henne is only efficient at short distances, which may have still gotten the job done if it wasn’t for the fact that he is toxic in fantasy leagues. Anybody involved in fantasy teams would attest that short-throwing QBs are fucking worthless. Brandon Marshall had a very Brandon Marshall day, which is fantastic. Ricky Williams and Ronnie Brown once again portrayed their token dominant RB duo. For the moment, things are going good for the Fins. The momentum they’ve gained may be able to let them upset Pittsburgh at home, but then they have to go on the road against Cincy and the Fun Vacuum. If they can get a win next week, they may be pushed up to the forefront of playoff talks. If they lose, well, it’s going to be a long month for them. And the Packers? At 3-3? With the schedule ahead? Stick a fucking fork in em. They done.
They Weren’t Rockin LA But They Rammed It Today 23, Worthless Sacks of Bolts 17
I’ve ran out of excuses. There’s nothing more to say about the Chargers that would bring any light of hope towards their future. Phillip Rivers is losing his weapons quickly. Antonio Gates and Malcolm Floyd are both hurt. Legedu Nanee is still out. And lets not even mention Vincent Jackson. Fuck Vincent Jackson. Under the guise of Norv Turner, the Chargers haven’t been able to reach .500 at week 6. Some might say that this means business as usual. But this is not just some early season lull. This could be the end of this generation in San Diego. I called it out when they lost to the Jets last year, and I’ll say it again. The roster has been realigned to rely on players that either aren’t performing correctly, or not performing at all. Phillip Rivers can’t just carry the team on his shoulders, as much as we would all like to see him do. Unless this team can miraculously recover health-wise this week, it’s going to be painful next week vs New England. Then Tennessee. Then Houston. Because they are such a high-caliber team, they have a brutal schedule. The “easy” teams have been failures. The “not easy” teams are not going to be easier. This is the end of the Chargers. I hope everyone enjoyed the last 6 years of dominance. I just really wish they could have at least went to the Super Bowl…
New England Patriots 23, Baltimore Mavens 20 [OT]
Why did New England get rid of Deion Branch to begin with? It is obvious that he belongs there. In his first game as a born-again Patriot, he was catching passes all over the damn place. Sure, he’s not exactly a replacement for Randy Moss, but who in the hell is? 98 yards and a TD is pretty damn impressive for someone who has been on the team for only a few days. Tom Brady had an adequate-ish game, throwing for 292 yards. But 2 of those passes were sucked up by the fun vacuum. Whoops. The Fun Vacuum had their share of fun in this game: Joe Flacco is getting better than ever now that he has grown comfortable with Derrick Mason and Anquan Boldin. Ray Rice is a beast, no matter how much I hate him. He’s a fucking beast. A hateable beast. With 4 wins for both teams, they are the glue that is holding the normalcy of the NFL together. People expect them to be incredible teams, and they are playing like incredible teams. Pure cause and effect. It comforts me in a terrible way.
Pittsburgh Steelers 28, Cleveland Yellows 10
The rapist is back. Hines Ward, Heather Miller, and Mike Wallace jumped for joy while catching balls thrown by the rapist. Charlie Batch is sad. Rashaard Mendenhall runs the ball far. The Steelers are 4-1. The Browns are as useful as a broken Virtual Boy. The sky is blue. Water is wet. Women have secrets. Who gives a fuck?
Houston Texans 35, The Only AFC West team above .500 31
So my main man at the coffee bar hooks me up with some meatloaf. $6.80 isnt bad considering my 50% discount. Then my main man throws in some mashed potatoes and gravy. That’s why he’s my main man. The shit was filling and delicious. Left some to the side and ate it for dinner. Filling, filling stuff. When meatloaf is done right, it is incredible. When meatloaf is done wrong, it is Just Fucking Awful. They say to just throw on some of that ketchup if the meatloaf is dry, but I fucking hate ketchup. Bad meatloaf is suck. Pure and simple. But this meatloaf was great. That was when I realized that meat loaf was supposed to be on sale for $4.99/lb, but I was obviously charged $7.99/lb. I need to find a new main man…
New York Giants 28, Detroit Lions 20
You should all know the format by now. This game that I did not watch will be covered by our resident Lion’s fan, Mr. RobNasty in his column, “The Lion’s Den w/ Ol’ Uncle Nasty”. Take it away, Nast:
When Drew Stanton is a football team’s leading rusher it usually means one thing. It’s 2003 and he’s playing for Michigan State. He’s not. It’s 2010, he’s still the third string QB. That would make the Lions week 6 struggle against the G-Men an exception to the rule. At the end of the first half, Sean Hill landed awkwardly on his left arm (breaking it!) and had to leave the game. As he trotted off the field, his wrist was looking limper then ever. This left the pigskin in the hands of everyone’s favorite pre-season hero, Drew “Carey the team” Stanton. At this point, Trevor “Jackson Wrath” Gates is somewhere ecstatic.
The game actually started out positive for the Lions. They stopped New York on the opening possession forcing the mighty little Giants to punt. The punter bobbled the ball not once, but twice, leading to a fumble recovered by the Lions. The D-Men capitalized on a crisp TD pass from Hill to Burleson which resulted in a quick start for Detroit. The world seemed at peace, but would it, could it last?
Entering half time the lions trailed 14-10 thanks to a 50 yard field goal nailed by the Lions leading point scorer, Jason “mmmm bob” Hanson. Not a terrible deficit to be in when on the road playing a respectable team. Unfortunately, the second half was what I have come to call the type of game played by the Detroit Lions: Flag Football. 11 penalties for 91 yards once again crippled too many drives and scoring opportunities leaving them again on the short end of the goalpost.
This may have been was another frustrating for Detroit this season but keep your chins up Lions fans. Detroit has played 4 of 6 games on the road against decent opponents to start the season. The team also only has had they’re starting QB for one half of a football game. After the bye week, Matt Stafford will return to action on Halloween when the Detroit Lions host Donovan McChunky-Soup and the Washington Redskins who will come to Ford Field costumed as a winning NFL team. Stafford will be looking to continue the offensive assault Sean Hill and the Lions have put together in the first half of the season and gun for the Lions second victory of the season.
To close, a warning to all female employees that come into contact with NFL players. Big Bad Ben Rapestburger is back! Or is it Roethlisburger…eh…fuck it.
Back to you Troy boy.
I swear these get better every week, as I get lazier. Thanks for picking up the slack, Nast.
Philadelphia Eagles 31, Atlanta Falcons 17
Last year, this matchup actually meant something. It was Michael Vick’s homecoming to Atlanta, and although he was second-string to McNabberz, they let him play on a couple of drives. It was a futile attempt to rub fate into the face of the Falcons. This year, it was a little different, but not really. This time, the Eagles were on their home turf, and although Vick should have been the starter, he sat the game out with a rib injury. So why even watch a game if there’s no controversy involved? Well, my friends, this was the 2 best teams in the NFC duking it out. No dogfighting was required to create a sense of drama. And the Eagles prevailed effortlessly. Kevin Kolb had a hell of a game [23/29-326-3 TDs?!?!? Kolb?!?!?!?] and it has become apparent that he is a lot more comfortable with his receivers than he was at the beginning of the season. Now, Andy Reid has a pickle on his hands, and it’s juice is dripping onto his Reeboks: He has not one, but two stellar QBs on his team. This may have been the case from the start, but he has gone through phases of denial [First, Vick was inferior, then Kolb, and now they have both proved themselves worthy of the starting position]. This will make for an infinitely interesting season. They could go the route they did last year, with tandeming the QBs from drive to drive, but that method has revealed grotesque issues in rhythm and consistency. He could just flip a coin before every game to decide. He could just send one of them to Oakland. He could shoot one of them in the head. He could invite Vick to a local dogfight. He could invite Kevin Kolb to a testicle eating contest. He could do a lot of things. But there is one thing he has to do: be grateful. He should be grateful that even though he traded away his star QB [that has made the team what it is], they are still arguably the best team in the NFC [with high contendership, in my mind, for the Super Bowl]. In regards to Atlanta, not all hope is lost. With the schedule ahead of them, and the Saint’s proneness to fuck-uppery, they are bound to win the NFC South this year. Matt Ryan is putting Michael Jenkins and Roddy White to full use, and it’s helping them win games. Sure, not this game, but what the fuck can you do? Win them all? Shut up. It’s 2000 and fucking 10.
Seattle Seahawks 23, Chicago Burrrz 20
Jay Cutler is back, and nobody cares. Johnny Knox may have cared, but he probably could have caught 120 yards from Sean Salisbury if he tried. Matt Forte spent Sunday in worthless mode, and my guess is that he will be stuck there for at least a few more weeks. There really doesn’t seem to be a reason as to why the Bears are on the top of their division. But that’s why they call it the NFC North, which is basically a graveyard right now. Minnesota and Detroit are sitting at the bottom, both as teams that should have been winning a lot more games, and will probably do so in the second half of the season. Chicago and Green Bay are at the top, both as teams that should have been losing a lot more games, and will probably do so in the second half of the season. This rule also applies for Seattle, as they are probably the ugliest 3-2 team in the NFL. Matt Hasselbeck threw a season record of 242 yards. That’s pretty damn sad if you ask me. They have been winning games with their defense and special teams, and eventually, this formula is going to catch up to them. And it isn’t going to be pretty. But then again, their schedule is pretty lukewarm. I guess I would expect them to finish 9-7 or some stupid shit. And because the NFC West is what my old roommate Mike describes as “JV”, they will most likely win the division and limp into the playoffs, and pull off some disgusting upsets and go to the Super Bowl and oh fuck I just want to go and hide right now before this stupid shit goes down. Is it over yet?
New Orleans Saints 31, Not Quite Creamsicle 6
Alright, alright, alright, settle down prostitutes. The Saints did some soul searching, and they found themselves. All is right once again. Drew Brees was on top of the world in this game, throwing for a miraculous 263 yards. Oh wait, that’s not too great. Alright, so, rookie RB Chris Ivory found his inner-awesomeness and decided to rungasm all over the field. [158 yards of rungasm goodness!] Okay, that sounds a like a little more accurate depiction of this game. But I think this unexpected blowout couldn’t have been possible without the tireless and abundant effort from the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. See, they also did some identity questing this past week, and they realized that they have been wronging themselves. Their existence has been made possible not from greatness, but from their mediocrity! For them to win games would go against everything they stand for! Needless to say, they were quick to finish this error. Their rushing squad turned a lot of heads by rushing for a ground-breaking 32 yards. They went 6/15 on third downs. Now that’s more like it! If they keep up this momentum, I can see the Bucs having a great season. They will finish below .500 for sure! You see, it’s a beautiful thing when shit goes back to normal!
New York Jets 24, Denver Broncos 20
CAN I GET A TEBOW!
Tim Tebow is Denver’s rookie QB, 3rd stringer, actively Pro-Life, and all-around the biggest douchebag in the NFL. And he scored his first Touchdown. By running. Because he’s Tim Fucking Tebow, and he plays by his own rules. Tebow saw 6 snaps in this game, and he didn’t pass once. It became some retarded version of the Wildcat formation. It was blissfully hilarious to watch. It’s almost as if the NFL is humoring him. After seeing years of glory and Florida, he comes to the NFL as a walking joke, and nobdy will let him throw the football. He was out there looking like a high-school player. He exaggerated every single movement. Of course, all of his efforts were futile, as the Broncos lose yet another game. Kyle Orton threw a pathetic 14/34, and Knowshown Moreno didn’t Knowhow to get over 50 yards in 13 carries. 8 Broncos took hand-offs during this game, but only 4 players actually caught a ball. They lost 2 fumbles. They look like a 2-4 team. The Jets, on the other hand, can’t help but put a shit eating grin on my face. Their defense is making plays, their offense is making plays, this is what you would call a complete football team. Okay, so Marc Sanchez isn’t all that great, but who the fuck cares? They’re on a 5 game winning streak! They’re hot, they’re well to do, they’re totally and absofuckinglutley the epitome of the word “boffo”! I can’t help but be excited with the rest of this great city. The Jets are fucking rolling, on top of the AFC East, and if you were to consider Net Points [points scored – points scored against], they are the best team in the NFL. And it feels really. fucking. good.
San Fransisco 49ers 17, Oakland Raiders 9
I was never a big follower of the “Battle of the Bays” rivalry. Allegedly, going into this game, The Raiders have a 6-5 record over the Niners. Whatever. The way I see it, it wasn’t really about rivalry. It was about proving something, whether it be a comfy 3-3 record at 2nd in the AFC West or the first win of the season. Ultimately, it was the most desperate team that won the game, and made the other team look even more desperate. The Raiders are in desperate need of a QB, which is something that has plagued them for as long as I can remember. It is painfully obvious that Jason Campbell isn’t going to do shit, will continue to not do shit, and will shit away the rest of his career sitting on the bench. A so-so defense, stellar stellar special teams, and a schizoid running back can only take a team so far. The Raiders have seemingly hit an impasse, which is sad considering that they should have been jacked up after upsetting San Diego last week. On the bright side of things, they are still tied for 2nd in the AFC West. But that really means nothing at all, because 2-4 is not a good place to be. Especially when there is a foreseeable downward spiral looming. For the 49ers, I can see a bright future. Frank Gore was hauling ass on the field in this game, and his stats will back up this claim. [149 yards seem pretty decent? Yeah? Good!] For the second week in a row, Alex Smith has proved to be a formidable QB, but only after coach Mike Singletary threatens to pull him out of the game. If this pattern of fucking up-threatening-playing good keeps continuing, expect to see the 49ers winning more games. The 49ers are not a terrible team, and they are in a division that is on the verge of total collapse. [Come to think of it, they’re in a conference that is on the verge of total collapse.] Looking at the rest of their schedule, I feel that they have the ability to defeat most of the sludgy teams that await them. In fact, I would go as far to say that they could realistically finish the season hugging the .500 mark [whether at 7-9 or 9-7]. But in order for that to happen, the team needs a hell of a lot more discipline. And self-esteem. If only Singletary was allowed to bring a gun to the sidelines and have it aimed at Alex Smith at all times. They would be unstoppable.
Minnesota Vikes 24, The Panicking Cowboys 21
Everybody loves a game with a theme, right? Well, this one was named the Panic Bowl! Get it? Panic. Bowl. Basically, the team that loses this game will most likely go into a state of panic, as if 1-5 was a whole hell of a lot worse than 2-4. Why does there need to be a game to decide whether or not a team should be panicking? THEY SHOULD BOTH BE PANICKING! They both went into this season with sky-high expectations, and they’re both failing miserably! Fucking panic! I guess 9it should be told, however, that the Cowboys should be panicking more than the Vikings, and it isn’t because they lost this game. It’s because of the fact that the team hibernates for the winter. So if you’re 1-5 right now, they only have a shot to win out and get to 6-5 before their December lull kicks in. In laymans terms: the Cowboys are done. Done. Done. Done. Now, let’s move on to something more interesting.
Indianapolis Colts 27, Washington Indians 24
Wait, this isn’t interesting at all! The game was only close because of the fact that the Colts fumbled thrice. And because Washington RB Ryan Torrain is a nobody that is trying to be somebody. Other than that, this game was a standard fare. Robomanning inches past 300 yards, Joesph Addai picks up a buck 28 (and a shoulder injury) and McNabbles gets picked off twice. It’s almost as if the statistics generated themselves. This was a close game, but you could tell the entire time that the Colts were in control and were going to come away with the victory. And it happened, so everything worked out.
Tennessee Titans 30, Jacksonville Jaguars 3
Remember a couple of weeks ago when I stated that the Jaguars are a day and night team? How one week they will dominate with authority, kick ass, take names, and look like a true contender? And then the next week, they could probably get beat by the Browns with their general shitiness, lack of heart and aimlessness? This game utilized the latter formula, and man was it ugly. QB David Garrard was knocked out of the game in the first half and replaced by [shudder] Trent Edwards. On the other side of the ball, QB Vince Young was injured on the second series and replaced by [ohhh fuck] Kerry Collins. It was an all-out war between the two backups, and of course Collins was the man. This is because there used to be a time of which Kerry Collins was the man. All Trent Edwards ever did was beat up some dude in high school, and even then, only a few people actually believed that he could be appropriately nicknamed “The Man”. Either way, in order for the Titans to keep winning games, Vince Young is going to have to have a swift recovery. Collins can’t take the helm for that long, or else they’ll drag themselves into a pit of mediocrity and “games they should have won”. On a side note, Chris Johnson wasn’t stopped. And this game served as good background noise while I wrote a majority of this roundup.
Looking at the standings following this week, I am utterly speechless. There is a big discrepancy in the allotment of dominance division by division. For example, the AFC South is in a 3-way tie for first at 4-2. The AFC West, on the other hand, has a 3-way tie for 2nd at 2-4. This is going to lead to a lot of stellar teams being screwed out of the wildcard because the 8-8 Bucs ended up winning their division. Much pissed-offery will be spread. People will start to question the system. Shit will go down. And it will go down hard.
And then, next year, we can all enjoy our favorite players sitting at home when the league is on strike.
Let’s all appreciate the weeks ahead of us…