The Secrets to Interdimensional Travel
Contrary to what the title may have led you to believe, this post does not contain any instructions on how to travel between dimensions. I just submitted a patent application and that shit’s proprietary. Depending on how that goes, in about 1 year you will probably be able to license the ability to dimension-jump, and pay me royalties along with a percentage of your profits. Believe you me, it will be well worth the ridiculous fees I will charge.
Yes. I have discovered that dimension-hopping is perhaps the most lucrative business mankind has ever known, and I will tell you how to exploit the strange intricacies of the universe.
It’s easy: Supply and demand. Think Northwest Passage, and you’ll have an idea of what I’m talking about.
Yes ladies and gents, it’s all about the spice. I’m Marco fucking Polo, and you can be too!
Step 1: Pick the right spice.
What do you think it the most valuable substance on Earth? If you could go to a different dimension and bring back 10 lbs of something, what would you pick? Gold? Weapons-grade plutonium? Mars-rocks? These are good thoughts, but moving substances like this in great quantities will always attract attention. Just ask anyone who has tried to auction off Moon-dust…
No, my spice of choice will sell for hundreds of millions per pound, and comes with the perfect cover-up story of “I found it at a garage sale!”
Hint: it is Art.
Here’s an example. Last month I jumped to a dimension where Van Gogh cut of his right earlobe instead of his left. The net effect is that he produced a number of paintings that never existed here on the Earth you know and love. Art critics went bonkers when they saw what I had! They made up new phases of Van Gogh’s developmental history as an artist. They claimed to understand more about him and his personal life. It was embarrassing. But it was easy.
“Where did you find these?”
“Garage sale outside of Hartford, Wisconsin.”
“These are just incredible. These are probably worth hundreds and hundreds of millions.”
“I’ll sell them to you right now for half that.”
They buy it every time; pun intended. But you have to be careful, as discussed below.
Step 2: Keep it legal/safe
You might think that the ability to take interdimensional vacations is unique. With this assumption, you may think wreaking havoc in one dimension has no effect on the home dimension. I don’t need to tell you how wrong this is. If you can do it, so can others. You will inevitably be hunted and brought to justice by the other interdimensional beings.
In fact, I learned the ability from my Uncle Brian, who made his first dimension jump while he was still a teenager. He is a better person than I am though, and has not exploited this ability for profit. Well, not monetary profit… You see, Uncle Brian has since perfected interdimensional travel in ways I cannot begin to understand. He doesn’t even use a tuner! (Extremely dangerous for anyone with little experience). Furthermore, he has found a way to leave an active, open loop whenever he jumps from one level to the next. The end result is fission of the being! Yes, he has learned to become multi-dimensional! As I understand, he is simultaneously living 1,277 different lives in various places throughout space and “time” (you can’t actually travel through time, but you can go to a dimension where Earth in 2010 seems like 1732, for example) and has already died in 84 others. He always used to take me aside though, and tell me “look, being multi-dimensional will not make you immortal,” which was always a hard thing for a 7 year old to grasp…
Anyhow, the point is that there are probably other people who can do this. Without knowing their motivations, you must beware.
Step 3: Know your shit
Step 3 is really just memorizing the following rules and hints.
- Never leave home without your tuner and datalog, you won’t find your way back.
- Don’t jump with other people. It just gets messy.
- Do not dwell. Your body will reject other dimensions like a bad organ transplant. (Unless, of course, you fissure… which is still beyond my comprehension).
- Always remember that diseases jump with you.
- I’m not sure, but I think that when you jump into a dimension, someone from that dimension dies…?
More next week…