A sigh eee

I recently started this Acai Berry pill regimen thing.  It’s true that I am starting a diet and am jumping on some sort of bandwagon, but I figured, “what the hell, I’ll give it a shot”.  So I did as any average consumer would do and did numerous Googling for reviews for this “miracle fruit”.  Most of the websites were obviously full of crap, lose 40 pounds in 10 days, get skinnier than you’ve ever been in your life, gain the power to speak with God.  What?  Yea, okay, sure.  There were also a few more believable reviews, elevates energy, helps with sleep, fresher looking skin, etc, so I figured, okay, I’ll give it a shot, maybe it will give me a little more energy and motivate me to work out.  In addition to the acai, a lot of people suggested taking Super Cleanse to “jump start” your diet and reboot your system.  Sounds lovely.  Don’t do it.  Super Cleanse is like a fancy expensive laxative that tastes and smells like crap instead of the usual chocolate tootsie roll laxative.  Pure evil.

Super Cleanse aside, I decided to meander in the Vitamin Shop-pay (Shoppe), and maybe ask a few questions, buy a few drugs, etc.  Fortunately, “miracle foods” has its own section.  As I was gazing at the options, one of the helpful staff came up to me and asked if had any questions.  The second I said acai berry, he said two things, first, that it won’t help me lose 40 pounds in a week.  Uh?  Thanks?  Do I look like I’m a fatty in need of losing 40 pounds?  Great.  And then, he corrected the way I said “acai”.  It’s not A-kai, it’s A-sigh-ee, apparently it’s a Brazillian thing.  I’m sorry fella, but I’m going to stick with the A-MERIcan way, A-ky.  Phonetics, bah.  By the way, I hate Oprah.  This will probably be the only time in my life I support her and her support of anything.  She’s a crazy cunt.  I love that word, cunt.  I love that so many women hate it.  LOVE IT.  I will always use it, no matter how much hate mail you deem necessary, argue that it’s anti-feminist, or tell me that it refers to rape.  I’m a woman, and I’m sticking with it.  I would probably never say it to someone’s face of course, but for sure in reference to them.  For example, I would never shake Oprah’s hand and call her a cunt.  That would just be silly.  I would probably just say something like “good call on that acai berry”, but then pronounce it like the dude in the store told me to.  Just a little jab.  Just a little one.

In any case, I recommend Acai Berry.  It’s great, lots of extra energy, yadda yadda.  Not a miracle weight loss pill, but good none the less.  Enjoy.

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