There’s Probably Something Wrong With America Today

On this cloudy Monday morning, I still haven’t even bothered to open up my newspaper. Typically, this means that I either spent the last 2 hours zoning out, or watching reruns of Parks & Rec. However, today I’ve spent the morning with my jaw dropped to the floor, wondering to myself “If the internet tells me that a bunch of shit is fucked up today, then I don’t even want to know what’s inside this newspaper!” Five articles have convinced me that there is something terribly wrong with America, or probably just the world in general.

Vince Young Hates-ah The Strip Clubs

There must not be any good titty bars in Tennessee. It seems like every Titans player that gets a tiny bit of spotlight tends to piss it away at a gentleman’s club. Pacman Jones ate pellets and made it rain, and now Vince Young doesn’t even get to see any strippers before he makes headlines. After Vince was allegedly rejected for “special arrangements” at a strip club in Dallas, club employee Creiton Kinchen (not the same Creiton from Jason Goes To Hell, unfortunately) makes some bullshit comment and gangsign dissing on the University of Texas. If it was any other College, this probably would have slid, but apparently dissing on the Longhorns is grounds for execution. So Vince Young executed a fist right to Creitons face. The security tape isn’t a very good portrayal, because in reality, it really wasn’t that cool. The police investigation is already over, and the consensus says that “dat mane wuz dissin on longhurnz, so he gotz whut he dezervz”. Young was slapped with a misdemeanor, and the Titans are only fining him for $500. So basically, this will be one of those things that will blow over by the start of the season. That is, unless Roger Goodell has anything to do with it. The NFL may or may not start their own investigation, as they all seem to be absolutely tired of hearing about their players doing the dumbest things possible. As far as the Titans curse goes, I really hope Chris Johnson doesn’t do anything entirely idiotic within the next 3 months. There has to be SOME Tennessee stars that have clean records, right? Steve McNair would have never stepped into a strip club and started a ruckus. His old lady would have killed him! Oh, wait, nevermind. Well, Kerry Collins HAS TO BE a saint, right? The worst thing he ever did was order too many Baconators at Wendys, and oh yeah, start sucking at football again.

A New Wendy’s Kids Meal Makes Children Musically Confused; Horny

Wendy’s always had the shittiest kids meals. I have many childhood memories of getting a toy with my Jr Bacon Cheeseburger (fuck) and wondering what the hell it actually was. Usually, it would be some strange cartoon character that nobody has ever heard of unless you watch WGN at 5:30 in the morning, or you pay close attention to Wendy’s advertisements, read all their comic ads, and study all of the backs of the placemats. In a nutshell, Wendy’s does not know how to make kids toys, and they should really stop trying. But they didn’t, did they? With a new Kids Meal promotion, your lucky child will receive a music CD! But it’s not just ANY music CD. It’s one containing music that they have never heard of, and you, the parent, are already sick of! You heard it here, folks, Wendy’s will give your child one of four three music CDs, that will teach them once and for all, that music just “aint what it used to be!” You have the smooth hits of Motown, the bopping sounds of the ’80s, and a car karaoke CD featuring an exclusive live version of the hit, “Achy Breaky Heart”! Oh yeah, and there used to be a disco CD, but Donna Summer decided to say “I’m so horny”, which apparently isn’t appropriate for kids 3+. Didn’t Wendy’s realize that disco music in general isn’t appropriate for children?!?!? Why would a fast food company give kid’s music that they never heard of and probably don’t care about? On top of that, why would you overlook something like Donna Summer being horny? What the fuck is wrong with Kid’s Meals?!? Just give them a cheap plastic toy to choke on, so everything can be normal again! If McDonalds starts offering free Bluegrass MP3’s, then I’m sure American Kids are going to end up just like the ones in Somalia.

Our Taxes Pay For Soulja Boyz

Actually, just click the link above and read the article for yourself. This is going to be one of those stories that set off a chain reaction of media blitzedness. In layman’s terms, we as Americans support Somalia’s military, but their Military supports enlisting 9 year old boys. I feel like this was already on an episode of 24. Obviously, nobody likes seeing a child carrying a loaded Kalashnikov assault rifle, so you know where my opinion lies. However, I do find it very humorous that people actually fear them.Time’s writer Jeffery Gettleman quotes “In Somalia, lives are lost quickly, and few want to take their chances with a moody 12-year-old”. Now that I think about it more, it could really boost a kid’s sense of worth and confidence. Wait, what am I saying? Every child has a right to live a normal life, go to school, and apply for University of Phoenix Online!

People That Go To Fake Schools Have More Debt Than Me

I never thought there’d be anything lower than a community college. The past decade has shown an influx of “For-Profit” schools that deploy massive target advertising, trying to convince slummy twentysomethings to “do something with your life”. These schools are usually a crackpot scheme, featuring horrendous instruction, useless subjects, and a degree that will mean nothing but “I called this number and paid them money so now I can be a mechanic/nurse/railway worker”. Recent results have shown that the name For-Profit really does mean For-Profit. In 2007, the average debt for a graduate of one of these “Universities” was over $30,000. And that is even after you subtract the Pell Grant. I don’t really mean to burst any bubbles here, but I went to a State University for 4 and a half years, got a slightly better education I’m sure (but just slightly), and I still owe less money than them fools! I’m not exactly sure how they have been able to market these schools in the first place. The ad calls out to people who are doing nothing in life, have no money or any prospects. Then some guy standing in front of a graffiti-covered brick wall tells the person that he/she/it CAN afford to get an education and get a better job. How the shit does that work? It’s like selling Organic Produce in the projects. You can’t expect someone with a University of Phoenix degree to actually pay off the debt that comes with a University of Phoenix Degree. Typically, these people tend to go nowhere in life anyway, and end up selling narcotics on Craigslist.

Cyber-Drug Dealers Really Want An Ipad

This is just priceless. The ad says it all. A couple of skeevy guys from Phoenix really want an iPad, of which I’m assuming they plan to “split down the middle”. So they put up a barter nobody can refuse: a 32Gb iPod Touch and a Quarter-Ounce of marijuana. But it’s not just regular marijuana: It’s that DANK! Blue Dream! That shit’s from CALI, son! It’ll get you high! Seriously, what the fuck?!? When I was in College, I always hoped for a drug dealer that accepted PayPal, but this is going a little too far. Like anybody that could afford an iPad, and go through the lengths to get an iPad, would really be that hard up for some bud. Of course, some cops responded to the ad, they were arrested, justice was served, blahblahblah. It really puzzles me to think that they thought everyone on craigslist was down with the chron, and wouldn’t report authorities. Why the fuck would you take a picture of the weed? Who would do this?

These guys. That’s who. And if I have to go through another day of reading such stupid news, you bet I will be here to report it to all of you.