Pork Hertylman Found Dead At Abandoned Discovery Zone

(BFDN) - The only known photo of the reclusive columnist. Photo courtesy of Jason Statham

(BFDN) — Pittsburgh, PA

Pork Hertylman, a senior columnist with Baseball For Dinner and Motor Trend, was discovered dead by a group of transients in a vacant building in Pittsburgh on Saturday morning. Emergency responders were unable to revive him.

“Foul play did not appear to be involved, but I seen a program on TV where a fella died cuz a he got shot by an umbrella gun with an untraceable poison,” said Rickshaw Collins, the first EMT on the scene, adding that his dispatcher has told him on multiple occasions to keep the “crackpot suppositions” to a minimum.

457 Varner Place in Southside Pittsburgh was last home to a Discovery Zone entertainment facility. Since DZ’s bankruptcy in 1996, the building has been vacant and, in recent years, was condemned by the city. It is unknown why Hertylman was in Pittsburgh at the time of his death, or why he had entered the vacant property. His body was discovered inside an enclosed climbing play structure directly above the central ball pit of the now-defunct children’s paradise. Hertylman is a permanent resident of Flint, Michigan, and had “no business in Pittsburgh” according to his roommate.

Joey Z, a fellow BFD contributor and close friend to Hertylman, was reached by BFDN at his Buenos Aires residence this morning.

“I am both shocked and disappointed that Pork would have gone to Pittsburgh without me,” he said in an impromptu statement. “I can jump, swing, crawl and mountain climb too, you know. I always stressed buddy system to Pork, but he was very independent. I suspect that, in time, he may be missed.”

TeeCoZee, another colleague of Hertylman, contacted BFDN to provide some insight into the life of a man whose ideas provoked thought and discussion for thousands.

“Pork was a fine man. He was the most talented dental surgeon I ever had, and one of the best damn Chairman Financial Officers of a Fortune 500 Corporation I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. His legacy as a man of immense journalistic integrity will fade as news of his many counts of libel and plagiarism begin to surface, but I’ve still never known a better cribbage player. I’ll miss the son of a bitch, but I do believe God has a plan for us all. We are blessed to have known him. Praise the Lord, and let us rejoice and be glad in the world he has made for us. This is the day the Lord has made. Amen. Amen.”

Mr. CoZee had suggested that any donations to the Pork Hertylman Foundation can be made out to The Church of Baseball For Dinner.

TMZ has leaked that Brett Ratner has bought the rights to the Pork Hertylman story and has already begun writing the screenplay with co-writer and professional tennis player Billie Jean King.

Hertylman is survived by his Aunt Mildred. The Philadelphia State Medical Examiners office is now handling the investigation, while funding for low-profile, low-interest death cases is still present.

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