In Consideration of the Daters

I know you don’t know me, but believe me, I’m hot. I’m super hot. I’m like your nerdy childhood fantasy plus the girl next door. I’m the Barbie version of Jenna Jameson with the humble ass of Scarlett Johanssen. You’d totally love me, I promise.

So it’s hard to believe, but about 5 years back I entered the online dating world. I won’t tell you which site because I’d rather not be flooded with more online creepers like you. But I joined one just for the kick of putting myself out there and having my self-image reinforced by sorry saps looking for love.

But after a while, my conscience got to me and I started to feel guilty for not responding to the pathetic heartfelt messages that were aimed to snag me across cyber space and make me smitten for that sexy myspace faux hauk profile pic.
So I logged in today and checked my full inbox for messages that deserve a response. I will do your hard work justice here boys, so pay attention because more than one of you may have the same question.

Below are actual messages I’ve received; the names have been changed to protect the embarrassed:

spring is good for the soul
almost as summer sedates the fool
fall turns it right round
while winter it can’t be found
maybe???
later  -Daniel

Daniel,
I’ll bet you thought I’d swoon over the effort of poetry. I also bet that you’ve already turned this poem into a shitty rap song that will never make you famous.
I know you probably saw on my profile that I enjoy the changing of the seasons, and while you did mention all four of them, your poem makes no fucking sense.
I happen to agree that spring is good for the soul. Kudos.
But I must heartily disagree with your statement that summer sedates the fool. Do you know what holiday is in the summer? Our Independence Day. And do you know how many fools have shot themselves in the face with fireworks on that particular date? It’s uncountable.
Your statement about the fall only makes me think of that Dead or Alive song, but I find pleasure in the ’80’s so I’m still listening.
But most importantly, my profile says that I live in Michigan. I promise you that I find the winter…I find the winter every freaking morning of every freaking day for about 6 months out of the year. The cold is a sensitive subject for me, so you just received minus points.
Maybe…. maybe not.

i wounder why it says we are 60% enemy if we both like hugging and dancing :/

Hitler probably liked hugging and dancing too.

i’m not really sure about how you’re supposed to make the first attempt at communication with this online message system. I feel like it’s too easy to come off as being a desperate lonely creep. And I haven’t taken the time to fill out the profile so I’m sure that doesn’t help.
My train of thought is that the future could hold anything. What if this message was the first of many that led to a relationship with you? What if You could be the next woman I took on a date? What if all of the ideas and wishes I had for a relationship with a woman was in you? What if today was the day that I’d remember, and the moment was now.
The only way to know is to try, I guess.
Keeping my fingers crossed
– John

John, I really admire your optimism. I hope that since you sent me this message, you’ve learned that hoping you don’t come off as a desperate lonely creep, really makes you sound like a desperate lonely creep. I honestly feel you deserve a sweet and naive, god-fearing woman who accidentally trips over your pocket protector. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.

i love you

and I love the Hope Diamond, but it’s completely unattainable

I really want you so bad. Not just in a physical sense, but emotionally and well, positively. This is the second nite I have stared at your profile on here and I gotta say, I am deeply moved. Your physical beauty is enough to make me ache, but I love the things you write on here about yourself. It’s not clear what you want from being on here, be it friends or dating or sex, but I really hope it’s that significant other. I want to be yours all the way, I really do. I think you are exactly who I want. Maybe I’m trippin’, but I don’t believe that. I am completely entranced by you. Have a good nite, beautiful.

Dear sir, I don’t know if you’re aware, but you are one of those shady men who hangs out on the internet all day. The kind that defy all rules of grammar, and love to write comments on youtube videos. You probably have a contest with yourself every day to see how many tabs you can have open on your browser with a different genre of porn clip. Say hi to your mom from me.

How are ya? So when you bite your nails do you spit or swallow?

Hi there! I chew them up into a fine paste and grind them between my teeth. And I bite.

im Liam, and i would just like to say your to beautiful to be on a dating site

agreed. and it’s ‘too’

hy how are u doing i just wnat2 say hi my name is frank. how is u day and week going so far

Hi Frank. It was thoughtful of you to write to me 2 years ago and ask about my day and my week. Clearly, from the state of your message, you were also eating a baloney sandwich, watching Ren & Stimpy, gelling your hair, and experiencing a seizure simultaneously. I hate baloney, sorry.

Whew! Boy do I feel better for having finally responded to some of those. To sum up the rest, yes my boobs are real, no I’m not interested in women, and yes, angels cried tears of joy to create my lips. Thanks boys, I really feel beautiful.

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