The KFC Doubledown: A Review You Didn’t Need To See

When it comes to innovation, everyone wants a piece of the pie. We as humans can’t help but to succumb to our needless drive to improve things that aren’t broken or flawed. For centuries, culinary artists and average Joes alike have tried to revolutionize the way sandwiches are made and eaten. With a few failures aside, there has been no serious or seriously successful attempts at a “different” sandwich. This is why I was jumping for joy about a year ago when the news broke out on a new sandwich by KFC. Essentially, it would be a cheese, bacon and sauce sandwich, with chicken patties instead of bread. Although at the time I was a vegetarian, I could not help but fantasize about how it would feel to take a deep bite into the strange piece of food magic.

Months and months passed, and there was still no more word on this creation actually seeing the public light of day. After some time, I got sick of vegetarianism, and saw it as “2 years of doing nothing but eating cheese and restricting myself”, and swiftly ended my reign. After more months of meat-eating training, the image of the Doubledown remained imprinted into my skull. Someday, I will eat this sandwich. Someday…

This is what leads me here. After 13 months of waiting, my moment finally arrives. I wait in the drive-thru for approximately 5:57 seconds, in which I listen intently to Charlotte Gainsbourg’s CD, “IRM”. It consolidates my anger towards the people in front of me, and makes me wonder how serious my health problems will be after this journey into chickendom. When I arrive at the window and hand off my card, the cashier hands back a fucking clipboard. After all these years, you are still required to sign your receipt at KFC. This is something that has already been eradicated by every other fast food chain, and it boggles me to this day of why it’s still policy. Get better machines, fuckers!

After the clipboard ordeal, which involved me dropping or misplacing the pen multiple times, I was handed my bag and shooshed off to go into the distance with my greasy loot. At first look inside the bag, I am overwhelmed with a feeling of worry. With the hefty price of $5.29, this was not a cheap purchase, especially when it comes in a box so small. I was expecting the bag to soak through in grease, with chicken ends poking out every which way. This was a clean bag, no grease, no chicken showing, just box, napkin, and receipts. On my way back home, I spot a girl that kind of looks like Kurt Russel in a good way. I try to take a picture, but to no avail. When trying to enter my house, I spot my old neighbor, and attempt to have a conversation with her from the other side of the street. The cars passing by made this much more difficult, so we went our own ways, bag of art supplies in her hand, bag of art in mine.

I open the box, and I swear the fucker is glowing. It’s everything I expected it to be…except…less greasy. I take it out of the box to give it further inspection. It seems to pass the visual test. Two well proportioned chicken patties, almost grease-free, with some sort of white cheese and yellow sauce. Excitement overwhelms me. I made it. I fucking made it! Now I will finally know what it tastes like! I go to take my first bite and…

…my jaw almost breaks. It’s too fucking big! The chicken patties are so fat, that biting into it straight on is like trying to deep throat a brick. A brick with another brick stacked on top. With more shit in the middle. With the first bite, I manage to get a piece of breading in me, and well, it tastes like KFC breading. No surprises here.

As I attempt further to mutilate this beast of a sando, I start to get the full effect of the taste. The chicken patties are a little dry, but I’m not going to be too judgmental about that, as cooking good chicken is difficult, especially in a fast food setting. What really confused me was the cheese. At a glance it looks like a variation of Swiss, but initially I tasted a dull form of White American. Then it started to taste like Pepper Jack. But without the Jack. So I have come to the conclusion that the cheese is Pepper-American, which actually suits the sandwich very well. The taste is prevalent, but not too overbearing, which could fuck things up completely. The sauce is very mild and a little sweet. Kind of reminiscent of the big-mac sauce, but with less dill. All in all, I kind of…like this sandwich! At this point, I spent way too much time nibbling on cheese and sauce. It’s time to take a monstrous bite. The kind of bite I’ve been dreaming of. I open my mouth as wide as I can, and take a mouth full that even Jesus would be proud of. I take two chews, and notice something is awry…

BACON?!?!?!? FUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!! BAAAAACCCCCOOOOONNNNNN??????!!!!!!?????!!!!!!???????

There are many days in which I completely forget how much I hate bacon. I find it to be one of the most vile substances on earth, next to wet paper and used stickers. The KFC Doubledown is a sneaky sandwich. The size doesn’t seem big at first glance, and the bacon is completely hidden between the chicken monoliths and the blankets of cheese and sauce. The bacon is dry, which makes the chicken more painful to consume, and my mind has stopped filling in the lines in which the bacon taste ends and everything else begins. Every bite I take is pure bacon, and it hurts. It hurts real bad. In fact, it’s around this time that I start feeling the chest pains. You know, the kind that you get when you eat a large fry in less than 5 minutes. Or the feeling you get after finishing a large greasy burger off a stripper’s stomach. What was first joy and delight has slowly shifted into a bacon and American cheese laden nightmare…and I’m not even halfway done with the thing!

Courage. I need courage. I need more Mountain Dew. I try to climb the rocks of chicken, in attempt to make it to the top to retrieve my sweet mountain nectar. I slip on some sauce goop, and fall 3.5 inches. How did this mountain get bigger? Why is everyone texting me? Why is this…grease…getting all over my cell phone? WHY THE FUCK IS MY NAPKIN DRY? Breathe. Just breathe. Climb the mountain. I reach for the top, and stab a hole. The greenish-yellow liquid flows out like some kind of oasis, or at least I think that’s what oasis’s are all about. What if I’m wrong? Wrong about what? Just in general? I take a loving sip from the cold nature juice and it’s BACON! ALL FUCKING BACON! Why is this happening? Why the hell did I do this? What happened to the top piece? It’s gone! I’m almost there! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it looks like this:

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? How did my sando end up like this?!?!? It’s become some weird strange creature in itself. All I see is a multi-colored blob, covered in white and orange and red and brown and every other color that associates with cholesterol, obesity, and death. I close my eyes, take my last bite, and hope for mercy or death, whichever my maker wants to give me.

I chew. Swallow. Repeat. It’s all over, folks. The deed has been done. I wipe a thin layer of sweat off my forehead, guzzle the rest of my Dew, and pat myself on the back. Would this sandwich be easier for me to stomach if it lacked bacon? Oh god yes. All in all, I found the sandwich to be very satisfying, but it’s just that the middle part becomes too intense and overwhelming. I would recommend this sandwich to anyone that is curious. If you’re not curious, or repulsed by the idea of this, then just ignore it and enjoy your salad. In order to fully enjoy this experience, let me go over a few precautions:

1) Have at least 24 oz of beverage at hand. The dryness of the sando might get to you.

2) Be hungry, and aware that you may still be hungry after eating. This sandwich is a creeper, as it takes a good 10 minutes for the fullness inside to kick in fully. Fast foods always have delayed digestion-sensing times, and the Doubledown is no exception.

3) Be ready for the bacon. I was not, and paid for it greatly.

4) Be in the right mood to enjoy one of the weirdest sandwiches available on the American market.

There’s no telling how long this sandwich will stay on the KFC lineup. It could be weeks, or it could be here to stay. I’m not saying that you should rush to check this sandwich out, but it the curiosity is getting the best of you, maybe trying it is a good idea.

-TEECOZEE!!!!!!!!!1111111111