Top 5 Things That I Am Now Addicted To Instead of Cigarettes

Everybody has a crutch to lean on. Some handicapped people even have 2. For the last 8 days, I have had a different kind of handicap. I have quit smoking. This means that I have not been able to do the following:

– Write

– Sleep properly

– Remain sane in a bar

– Be satisfied after a meal

– Make decisions

– Stop masturbating

– Maintain civility in my household

– Smoke cigarettes

When you have a normal handicap, there is usually only a couple of things you can’t do (i.e. walk, breathe, screw). This means I am much worse off than other handicapped people. However, I hope to change all of this. In order to combat my cloud of haziness and general disposition of an astronaut, I need to overcome these handicaps and face the demons that haunt me. I feel that the best way to do this is to admit the things I have been doing to replace the sweet sweet feeling of a nicotine buzz. Doing these 5 things have prevented me from punching holes in my wall, punching puppies, and watching MSNBC:

5) Brooklyn Brown Ale

I have successfully convinced myself that I had found my favorite beer. This is probably true. I am sure there are better beers out there, but Brooklyn Brown has been there for me the past week. It’s presence in my fridge is just as important as toilet paper, bread, and bricked cheese. Whenever I feel like I should be having a cigarette, I pop one of these bad boys open and remind myself that there are things out there that taste better than Winston Light 100s. Brooklyn Brown is one of them. It has somehow been able to compliment every meal that I have had. It is my crutch when I scarf down a shit ton of food and need something to cap it off. It’s smooth sippin, plain and simple. It’s making my life easier. It’s changing my world. It makes Strohs taste like Budweiser. It’s rocking my face off completely, and the more I write about this, the more I want to walk over to the fridge and indulge in one. If not to get drunk, but just for the sake of flavor. And life. And death.

4) High-Fives

You know you did something right if someone gives you a high five afterward. If that’s not the case, then it means that the person is trying to cheer you up from a job done badly. Either way, it’s fucking awesome. Giving smiles are for the birds. Want to make someone feel really good and make them have a good day? Give them a high five. Give them to your friends, family, pets, strangers, and even enemies.

Next time you see a stranger, give him/her/it a high five. You won’t regret it. The first step is to lock eyes on the other person and raise your hand up. If the person does not reciprocate the hand raise, the next step is to call it out. This could be a many number of phrases, but some of the most common are “High five!”, “Great Job”, and “Hey! Alright!”. The next important step is to launch the hand for high fivery. Now this could become an embarrassing situation if you miss. This past week I have learned the true trick of giving efficient high fives: lock your eyes on the other person’s elbow. This will create a perfect high five every time, guaranteed! Ever since I learned this, I have been practicing the art of it.Before, whenever I was in a socially awkward situation, I would smoke a cigarette. Now dishing out high fives work just as well!

That is, until someone actually leaves you hanging. This is when cigarettes come back into the picture.

3) Skyline Dogs

It should be obvious to any BfD reader that I am a big fan of Skyline Chili. No, fuck that, it’s bigger than that. I have dreams about it. I salivate at the thought. Hell, in some fleeting moments, I feel like I will miss it more than my loved ones when I move to Brooklyn. This chili was made from the heavens, and for some fucking reason, it took me 22 years to discover it. So then I started boiling hot dogs, slapping on some Skyline, red onions and large doses of Sharp Cheddar, and fuck, my life was over. All I eat now are Skyline Dogs. All I think about are Skyline Dogs. I just went to get  a few groceries, and it ended up being nothing but hot dogs and buns (I already had the Skyline, onions, and cheese). Hamburger? No thanks, I’ll have a Skyline Dog. Baseball? Fuck that, Skyline Dogs are for Dinner! Accept no substitutes!

“There’s nothing like the prospect of me watching some good shit on TV while enjoying some Skyline Dogs and Brooklyn Brown to remind myself that life is fucking awesome!” — Me, 3/6/10, 7:42 PM

2) Lemon Lime Sports Drinks

I really don’t care what the label says. It could be Gatorade, Powerade, Haterade, All-Sport, or M-Power. Shit, it could even be called Skullfuck Juice and I would drink it as long as it was lemon lime. This was a method that Joey recommended to me a year ago when I was trying to quit. I haven’t gone back, and still feel that it is one of the most effective ways of coping. I’m pretty sure my brain craves electrolytes. I jumped from one chemical dependency to another. I guzzle the stuff down like I had just went to the Super Bowl. I drink it so much, I should get endorsements. I can be the first lazy ass to find a use out of sports drinks that doesn’t have ANYTHING to do with sports. Lemon Lime sports drinks can accompany many activities, such as:

-Playing NBA Jam

-Watching people play basketball

-Listening to NBA Jam Session

-Talking about basketball

-Asking girls out on dates

-Thinking about how great of a game NBA Jam is

-Many, many more.

Put the IV in me. I needs some lemon lime Haterades all up in me forever, please.

1) Reading The New York Times

Knowledge is power. Power quits smoking. Coze quits smoking. Coze has power. Coze gets knowledge. Knowledge from the Times.

It has been expressed a million times before (and was even the subject of a previous article found here) but I must do so again. I have constant phases in which I cannot live an entire day without reading the Times. I go through many trials and tribulations in order to get my fix of hard news. I have found many outlets, but the price tag of $2 a day really bothers me.

As mentioned in the previous article, I was able to get home delivery at my old place on Fairview. Doing this, it was only 15 bucks a month, give or take. Compare that to the 50 bucks a month that I am currently paying to feed my habits. Now that I live on Wealthy St., a much busier area, I am no longer able to get the Times at home, or any newspaper at that. My fringe neighborhood doesn’t like to read, so therefore, we get no words sent to us. It’s a predicament that has been plaguing me for the past 7 months, and will continue to do so until I move the fuck outta here. So late last week, I needed a fix badly, but was running low on funds. I attempt to order home delivery service yet again, and this time it lets me through the ordering process. My card is billed a preemptive charge, and I am told that my subscription starts on Friday.  Of course, Friday comes and there is no paper. I try to investigate the matter, and my account activity shows an error. So, like any person addicted to an object would do, I write customer service a very desperate email:

Dear Sirs,

I was wondering if the subscription that I ordered, slated to start today, (XXXX2184) is actually going to occur. I was told a while back that my current residence is “un-routable”, but it was “subject to change”. The address is:
XXX Wealthy St. SE Apt X
Grand Rapids, MI 49506

It’s not that I live in the middle of nowhere. It is actually one of the main streets in the city. I just so happen to live in a neighborhood in which nobody cares about the news. If I could rally door to door trying to get people to subscribe, in hopes that someday a route will magically get created, I would. Unfortunately, I don’t have the time and fortitude to do so.

If there’s anything at all that I can do get get my apartment “on the route”, please let me know. If not, I guess I can accept my fate of driving miles out of my way to read the daily paper, or god forbid, settle on USA Today. Regardless, please shed some light on this topic for me.

Thanks,

Troy Turnwald

I waited all weekend for a response, and I finally got a half-hearted answer on Sunday:

Dear TROY TURNWALD,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately, we do not currently offer home delivery service at your location. We’re sorry for any inconvenience this may have caused. Our system did not reflect this change until 03/03/10. NO charges were made to the account XXXX2184.

In the meantime, you might consider one of the following options:

Mail Subscription: Have The New York Times delivered by U.S. Mail. Delivery is available 2 days after publication in most areas. For additional information or to start service, please call us at 1-800-NYTIMES (1-800-698-4637) from 5 a.m. to midnight Monday-Friday and 5 a.m. to 5 p.m. Saturday & Sunday (ET).

Electronic Edition: An exact digital replica of the New York edition, available by 5 a.m. (ET) every day. Go to www.nytimesee.com to learn more.

We appreciate your interest in The New York Times. Please contact us atcustomercare@nytimes.com or call 1-800-NYTIMES if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Aaron Broxson
Online Customer Care
The New York Times

Thanks Aaron for those thorough suggestions! The last time that I tried to order a mail subscription, the salesperson treated me like a lunatic and convinced me not to get it. Who the fuck wants to get the paper a week late anyway? These days, I have been hiding out amongst the living homeless, reading the Times in the library. It’s free and boosts my self esteem! Win + win = win.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be free from addiction. It follows me wherever I go. At least now I am not addicted to nicotine. Now all I have to worry about is alcoholism, restraining orders, obesity, heart attacks, and expensive information overloads. Mind you, there has been other things that I have been doing to kick my habit that weren’t mentioned in this article (staring at myself in the mirror and other somewhat illegal activities), but it is because of these 5 comforts in my life that I am able to actually write words again. More words can be written soon as well…

-Tee! Co! Zee!