Blessid Union of Liars

“We’re just a bunch of bozos in this band and this song is for the average guy, who’s with this gorgeous girl,” he says. “I kind of had that in mind, it’s not Don Juan, not Fabio, not Leonardo DiCaprio. It’s just about a guy who’s like, ‘Hey man, if anybody else can get a girl, so can I.” — Eliot Sloan

In this messed up life, we must take everything at face value. In the hustle and bustle of the everyday world, there is no room to accept lies as truth and vice versa. The same rules apply to the music we listen to. The entertainment industry has made a killing in tricking us to believe in things that are obviously not true. It is our responsibility, as citizens and patrons of the arts, to drop the hammer down and expose entertaining lies when we see them. With that being said, there is something I have been meaning to get off my chest for 11 years now. Since 1999, I have been forceably subjected to a song that is chock full of nothing but deceit. The culprit? Blessid Union of Souls and their hit song, “Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)”. In case you have been living under a rock for the last decade, or your name is Kathy, the song is presented below:

The song is an innocent fare about a man that is going through an identity crisis because for some reason there is a person out there that “likes” him. One could easily be led to believe that this song is about the lead singer, Eliot Sloan, and his dealings with faux-stardom. However, this theory has already been proven false, as Eliots current girlfriend at the time did not fit the description of the song. (Ex- She was a really big television fanatic, who was disappointed to find that Eliot only had a 27 incher. This song was definitely not about them.) One could also assume, with the benefit of the previously cited quote, that the song is purely fictional, which puts us in the position to excuse it all from being a big lie. After delving deep into the information superhighway, and visiting countless amounts of Angelfire fanpages that haven’t been updated since 9/11, I have uncovered a more clear story behind this song.

This is Buck Wilson. At one time a native of Portland, OR, he moved to Cincinnati in 1997 to pursue a career in music management. Although he had no previous experience in the field, he was confident that his interpersonal skills and loving devotion to musicians would help him jump start his life path. He found very little success, but was still drawn to the city he had placed himself in, and tried his best to make ends meet. In January 1998, his father Budd Wilson passed away, leaving a very small fortune to Buck’s disposal. Buck did not return to Portland for the funeral, and spent most of his days depressed, huddled in a booth inside his neighborhood Skyline Chili restaurant. It was at Skyline Chili when he met Fawn Peterson.

Fawn, Present Day

After curiously sharing a plate of chili dogs, a relationship quickly budded. 2 Days later, in the same exact Skyline Chili restaurant, Buck spotted the presence of the local band, Blessid Union of Souls. He had been a follower of their work, and allegedly sang a cover of their song, “I Believe”, when he was a senior in High School. They immediately became chummy, and things started to look up for the little man from Portland.

In order to save face in front of his new and attractive girlfriend, Buck pretended that he was actually the band’s manager. This meant that he would allegedly go on tour with them, and live a more exciting lifestyle. According to close friends, this notion attracted Fawn immensely, and she pressured Buck to follow his dreams. Buck presented the idea of being the band’s pseudo-manager, but they were less than open to the idea. Instead, they offered to write a song about him. Buck did not hear back from them for over 3 months, as he was under the impression that they were on tour. In order to preserve his face, and occupy his boredom, he decided to travel around the state and visit every single Skyline Chili location in the greater Ohio, Kentucky, and Indiana area.

On a grey day in Louisville, Buck found out some startling news that changed the path of his adventure. Former restaurant manager, Jack Nepopolis explains,

“The guy comes in soaking wet with a look of manic glee on his face. I was all ready to call the coppers, when he starts jumping and shouting. I grabbed my clubber, and he explained to me that he had visited every Skyline Chili location. So I said ‘well, I hear that branch is Ft. Lauderdale is pretty darn good’, because I had heard that it was pretty darned good you see, and his jaw jus’ dropped. I think he was crying.”

So Buck made his way to Ft. Lauderdale with chili on the brain. He stopped in an Admiral station just outside of Georgia, washed his hair in the sink and spiked it up with his emergency gel. After all, it was Spring Break ’98, and he had a very small fortune at his disposal. So he bought himself a case of Pepsi One, and drove off into the distance.

He arrived at Ft. Lauderdale in the wee hours of the morning. After being on the road for over a week on end, his appearance could only be described as proper, trim and disheveled. He checks in at the nearest & most expensive hotel, and went off on the town to find some chili to binge on. On his way, he allegedly ran into actor, Steve Buscemi. Steve doesn’t remember much from the incident, but still recoils at some memories.

“There was something really evil in his eyes. He would keep begging people if they knew where the nearest chili stand was. I knew that I saw one a few blocks south, but I wasn’t ready to approach him. Before I could get away, he accosted me, and well, I had to point it out to him. He really wanted that fucking chili. I think he even kissed me.

Little did Steve know, he just got a job turning the wheels of fate. Buck rushed to the Skyline Chili restaurant to find that not only was it open at 4 in the morning, but it was also inhabited by the members of Blessid Union of Souls. Disenchanted by the nhilism of Spring Breakers, the band was extremely happy to see Buck. He explains that he just had an encounter “with the dude who played in Fargo, I think his name is Steve”. Eliot’s eyes lit up, and the band knew that they were all on to something. So they decided to brainstorm a song about Buck and his new girlfriend. Because of the fact that their relationship was young, the song became more of a telling of how he would like things to go in the relationship. In order to make these things happen, Buck went through certain measures to make the song come true. For example, he purchased a brand new car, a big screen TV, a vast collection of DVDs (as many as you could get in 1998), spent 2 weeks taking opera lessons, another 2 weeks learning how to be a comedian, another 3 weeks trying to stalk Leonardo DiCaprio (unsuccessfully) , and by the time he was done, the song was almost done recording.

With a demo in hand, it was time for Buck to return to Cincinnati to find Fawn and “probably enjoy some welcome home sex”. He went straight to her house, only to have another man answer the door. Buck was crestfallen, and wasn’t exactly prepared to face the inevitable. After a month of tracking, we were able to sit down with Fawn, and she had this to say:

“I only knew Buck for 2 days, and he seemed like an alright guy. He said he was going on tour with some pop group, and I was like ‘well, I’m really more into metal’, but I don’t think he was listening. I didn’t see him for months, and quite frankly, didn’t care to. So, naturally, I moved on with my life. I met the man that I would eventually marry, and things were good in my world. That was, of course, until Buck came back. I just…didn’t know what to say to him, I hardly even knew him, I had no idea what he was capable of. It wasn’t until he showed up to my house for the third time that I knew something was wrong.”

Convinced that he was harboring delusions (which he was), Buck returned to Fawn’s house at the same time every day, ready to play “their song”. The band eventually wrapped up the song, adding the line “I’m so glad I found her once again”. They figured that “Buck was gone for a long time, I think anybody would be glad to find their girl once again”. When the song was released, Buck showed up on Fawn’s front lawn with a ghetto blaster cradling in his arms. Everyone knows what happens here, including Fawn:

Well, of course, at this point he had been over to bother us every day for months. I kept trying to hold Jimmy back, but when he started playing that stupid song on his radio, he just lost it. Jimmy smashed it over his head, and ran into the basement. When the cops came, I just done told them that he hit himself with the radio. They had dealt with him before, so the story was true enough. Poor bastard just didn’t see it coming…but he had it coming!

After news broke out about the incident, the members of Blessid Union all agreed that it would be better to cut strings with Buck. They visited him in the hospital, did an acoustic riff for him, and said their goodbyes. Since then, the members of the band claim that the song is completely fictional. However, little do fans know that that is a lie to cover up a true song…about lies. Get it? No? Well, too bad, because that’s the true story.

After prowling the streets of Cincinnati for days, we were able to catch up with Buck, so he could give us some final thoughts.

“The fucking band is washed up anyways, and Fawn was an ugly bitch! They can all burn burn burn in their Ft. Lauderdale mansion from hell!”

For the past 10 years, Buck has been committed to the Long-View State Hospital in downtown Cincinatti. Doctors told us that his stay is indefinite. Buck hopes to someday back go to Skyline Chili. The rest of his comments made no sense, which is a good reason to make this case closed. So next time you listen to your music on the FM radio, try to figure out if what the singer is telling you is true, or an elaborate lie. Yeah, do it.

-TeeCoZee

Advertisements