What Do We Know About Partying, Or Anything Else? [TeeCoZee’s Pro Bowl Roundup]

One more week, and I can stop talking about football. I’m sure you all will be quite happy when this day comes. This second to last roundup will be a complete joke, as the only game I have to cover ended up suffering a similar fate. Yes, lady and gentlemen, we are talking about the 2010 Pro Bowl! You see, all the other major American sports have an all-star game in the middle of the season, as many more games are played in the regular seasons than the mere 16 games of NFL action. Because it is near the middle of the season, many more people tune into the game, as the players are still fighting at 100%, and there is no dwindling interest in the sport itself. In the past, the Pro Bowl has been played the week after the Super Bowl, and nobody and their uncle actually watches it. All-Star games are absolutely meaningless, and the NFL likes to probe this feature as much as possible. Many of the players have not played a game in over a month, while others just finished the most important game of their lives. On top of that, nobody actually wants to get hurt during the Pro Bowl. So therefore, there is no defense at all, and the offense stomps all over the place. It’s the contact equivalent of a Harlem Globetrotters game. Nobody wants to watch that. There was nothing really engrossing about the game , so I’m just going to give you some highlights.

– In case anyone was wondering, the AFC won 41-34. Nobody was really trying, and it was a miracle that the scores were so high.

– The hero of the day was Matt Schaub, who was 13/17- 189 – 2. Decent stats, but why in the fuck was he in the Pro Bowl to begin with? Oh yeah, because Phillip Rivers was too busy being a babymaker. It should also be noted that David Garrard, Aaron Rogers, and Tony Romo lit up the stat cards, but nobody really cared. Donovan McNibbz was a total piece of shit, throwing 3/10,  but was actually the rushing leader on the NFC team. Why are people still praising Purple Jesus? He fumbles, he stumbles, and he can’t even break 20 yards in the Pro Bowl. Why do I feel like he’s going nowhere slowly?

– There was a lot of buzz over Chad Ochocinco. Allegedly, he was practicing his extra points. He wrote to the commish, Roger Goodell, requesting that he didn’t get fined for a TD celebration. It was approved. And what did he do? Absolutely nothing! He dropped the ball in the endzone not once, but twice. He never kicked an extra point. He didn’t do anything. He was the only reason I watched the game to the finish, and the fucko doesn’t even deliver. Well, I guess 80 yards receiving was okay, but damn! Vinnie Jackson did what Vinnie Jackson does, and got himself a buck 22 and a trip to TD-Land. DeSean Jackson was also on fire. Fuck, they should all be on fire. It’s the fucking all-star game!

– This game was very laid back in presentation. Last week, when they were airing commercials for this game, they didn’t even state what channel it was on. Nobody mentioned that it was on ESPN until the day of. They just told us to “check your local listings”. If the NFL really wanted us to watch this game, they would drive the network into the ground. They would make sure that we don’t get confused over what channel it was on. And then once the game actually started, they really didn’t even talk about the game. They talked about the Super Bowl. They interviewed players on the Saints, and they talked about how much champagne they were going to drink. They made quips and observations about mascots. Nobody cared about this game, not even the game itself. When going into the locker room at halftime, the ESPN reporter didn’t say “good luck”, she said “have fun”. It was an oddly presented game to say the least. Shame on ESPN.  I thought they were only devoted to quality programming. Wait, nevermind,

– There were an endless about of players and staff that were mic-ed during the game. This is a usual procedure, except this time they were broadcasting the audio live. When Aaron Rogers got sacked, we were all subjected to the sound of, yep, the microphone hitting the ground. Thanks a lot, guys! At one point, they had Ray Lewis on the mic, and he wouldn’t stop moaning and panting. He could’ve been fucking some broad for all we know. That shit was disturbing to no end. Another strange thing they did was mic the coaches while they were calling plays. Same features applied for inside the huddle. You would think that some staff member on the opposing team would be seeing this broadcast from inside booth, and start infiltrating information. Not like it really mattered, but they could still do it. Half of the time, the commentators were not talking about the game, but about what the people were saying into the microphones.

– At halftime, we were all provided the treat of seeing Chris Berman facilitate a handjob session between Peyton Manning and Drew Brees. Don’t believe me? Here’s the video:

They literally spent over 5 minutes complementing eachother. It was ugly and beautiful and heartwarming and it made me think about things I didn’t want to think about. At the end of the segment, Drew Brees looked quite relieved, while Peyton had an awkward look of dismay on his face. He must have erectile dysfunction. Kind of like that dude in the Viagra commercial that was casted to look just like Brett Favre. Je sais pas.

– Why in the shit is the Titan’s mascot a raccoon?!?!? Why not a steel man? Or Robocop? Or anything besides a raccoon? If your franchise name doesn’t already provide an obvious mascot, that’s probably a sign that you don’t need a mascot, or shouldn’t have one. Period.

– One thing that is a mystery to me is why Kassim Osgood actually got in the game. The Chargers’ WR only caught one pass in two seasons. I have no clue of how he got in, unless it was for returning, which to my knowledge he wasn’t that explosive in either. Sure, it makes me happy to see an extra Bolt on the team, but why?

– This just in from the NFL itself, 12.3 million people actually watched this game. That’s almost double the ratings as last year. It was the highest rated all-star game in cable history, which is humorous considering that it might be the only cable all-star game ever played. This might have something to do with the placement of the game, being before the Super bowl, and then after. On most years, people consider the Pro Bowl to be a funeral of sorts. It’s one last shitty game to watch, and then there is no football whatsoever for 7 months. On the other side, this year, we could all watch the game knowing that next week, there’s going to be a really good game. And sure, this meant that the Saints and Colts players couldn’t participate, which isn’t totally fair for them because the ones selected still had to show up and wear ugly red and blue polo shirts. I don’t think, however, that the inclusion of those players would have made the game more interesting.

So what did we all learn from this? Well, we now know that Matt Shaub performs much better when he’s surrounded by a team that doesn’t suck. The same goes for Joshua Cribbs, who I was marking out for all night. All in all, I had nothing better to do last night, and I had nothing to do for the last hour, so why not watch the Pro Bowl and write about it?!? Makes sense to me. I guess.

Not only am I exhausted from talking about the Super Bowl, I am sick of hearing about it as well. I’m not going to say any more until next Monday, when the NFL season is all said and done. Till next time, remember to drink your Haterade and eat your Donuts.

-TeeeeeeCo.Z