The One Where I Talk About The Colts… [TeeCoZee’s Divisional Roundup]

This tends to happen every year. Around this time, more and more teams get knocked out of the playoffs. It’s at this time, that I start putting the “Super Bowl Boycott Factor” into play. During the recent years, I have become disenchanted by the teams that actually make it into the Super Bowl, and quite frankly, I won’t watch it out of the sheer hatred or indifference towards the teams that make it into such a prestigious game. In the 2005 season, I boycotted the Steelers and the Seahawks, because I was still pissed off about the 14-2 Chargers getting knocked out of the divisional round. Also, because of the fact that NOBODY wanted to see those 2 teams face off. I made a point to not watch the Giants and the Patriots because I was certain that the Patriots would win, which was something I wasn’t in the mood for watching on that specific day. Last year, I really didn’t expect the Steelers and the Cardinals to give the best Super Bowl of the decade, so my TV was shut off and I did some collaging instead. Because, really, I wouldn’t watch that matchup if I was given free tickets to the game. So now we are at a crossroads, and I must explain the scenarios in which I will or won’t watch the Super Bowl.

Matchups That I Will Watch

Jets vs Vikings

Jets vs Saints

Saints vs Colts

Reasons Why I Will Be Watching A Man vs Food Marathon

Colts vs Vikings

The odds look very good on paper, but there is a high possibility that we will see Manning vs Favre, and I will boycott yet another Super Bowl. Moments like these really turn my piss to a scorch. I really hate the NFL storyline. I hate it to death. In speaking of death, some games happened over the weekend…

‘Aints 45 ’99 Kurt Warner 14

Hey Kurt! Good job on losing your last game ever!

Lets all take a deep breath. Okay. The Cardinals are out of the playoffs. Let’s take another breath. I repeat: The Cardinals are out of the playoffs. Let the relief settle. The Saint’s aren’t a complete bust. Kurt Warner will probably never play a game again. Matt Leinart will lead them to a 7-9 season next year, and become kings among the mediocre. Take another breath. The nightmare is over. We can move on with our lives again.

To think I was really worried coming into this game. I was sure that the robot known as ’99 Kurt Warner would blaze through the Saint’s spotty pass defense. For once, it really feels good to be wrong. The Cards just couldn’t get the job done. In the 2nd quarter, Kurt Warner took a huge blow after throwing a pick, and Matt Leinart came to regulate, but not save the day. On the Saint’s side, it was business as usual. Cool Brees got himself 3 touches, two of those going to the usual suspects, Henderson and Colston. Reggie Bush did what he was paid for, getting a 46 yd TD run, and an 83 yd punt return. This is the New Orleans Saints that we have been seeing all season. The loveable cold heartless bastards that we all grew fond of. They miraculously proved all of the naysayers and Kurt Warner propheters wrong, and I feel extremely happy about it.

I was reading an article in the Grand Rapids Press (yes, I do read the GR Press, when it is sitting conveniently on the floor of the bathroom stall at Meijer. Taking shits at work while reading subpar journalism is a guilty pleasure of mine) about how Lions fans should jump on the Saints bandwagon for the playoffs. Their reasons were quite enticing, as the Saints have not been the most reputable franchise known to man, and is housed in a city still in shambles. This all sounds well and good, but you know the rest of the world gets wet for Brett Favre, and evil will prevail. Either way, I have been a Saints fan since they picked up Drew Brees, and I will continue to be one until the day he gets traded. This makes it very likely that they will lose next week, because nothing ever works out in my universe. The end.

The Fucking Indianapolis Colts 20 The Cleveland Browns 3

Last night, I was paid a visit by NFL commissioner, Roger Goodell. The conversation was quite brief.

Rog- Hey Coze, you are the coolest man in the universe and you get paid & laid every day. Will you please do the world a favor and stop ignoring the Indianapolis Colts?

Coze- Shut up!

Rog- Yes, Mr Coze. Whatever you say. I just think it would be great if–

Coze- Did I stutter? Get the fuck out of here, and go get me a Strohs!

So I guess I can talk about the Colts:

They’re a bunch of emotionless machines and I hope they lose next week. I fucking hate them for the fact that I spent my Saturday rooting for the Ravens, which is something that I still feel dirty for. I want all of their balls to die. All of their balls.

Brett Favre 34 America’s Team 3

The top banner on BfD speaks magnitudes for what happened yesterday. Wade Phillips, looking goofier than Louie Anderson after snorting cheeseballs, being stared down by his boss, as if he just walked in on Wade fucking his wife and daughter at the same time. Either way, this man is soooo fired. He’s more fired than Jim Zorn, Dick Jauron and Playoff Mora combined. That’s pretty fucking fired. I had a lot of faith in the Cowboy’s and I was expecting a game for the history books. The Cowboys were extremely hot coming into this game, and seemed prepared to kick some purple ass. However, their asses were the purple ones, after the proverbial raping that occurred. It was over for me at the opening kickoff. The ball gets kicked to Dallas, and it is returned by Ogletree. And Ogeltree walked for 15 yards. I thought the TV was slowing things down. This man should not be a kick returner. He is FUCKING SLOW. I was expecting a big pop, a boost to get this offense going, which was so sorely needed. But no. A weak limp that foreshadowed the 60 minutes to come. It’s a god damned shame. I really wanted to see kurt Warner and Brett Favre finish their careers in the same weekend. That would’ve made this whole weekend of blowouts and disappointments worth it. This Cowboys team was asleep for the entire day. To be fair, Favre only threw for 30 more yards than Tony Romo…but he also got 4 touches compared to 0. So there you have it. Unless the Saints defense can take enough steroids this week, we will see Brett Favre in a Super Bowl yet again. I might just go buy a pain of Wrangler jeans. In honor of this occasion. Yes.

So now everything is set for the championship games. No matter what the outcome is, the Super bowl will be a matchup of gunslingers. We’ve got Brett Favre, Drew Brees, Fuckface Manning, and Phillip Rivers, who can do no wrong. I’m really looking forward to this.

But wait.

The Chargers won, right?

Right?

Yeah?

Jets 17 Chargers 14

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Now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you a story. It was early October, at about 5AM. I was smoking cigarettes one after another, sitting on a stoop with BfD staffer, Scotty. I was laying down my NFL predicitons, and I mentioned that the season looks very bright for the Jets. At the time, I had a lot of faith in Marc Sanchez and Thomas Jones. After making that comment, they started to fizzle a little, and everyone lost faith. They limp into the 5th Wild Card slot, and shock the Bengals. This brings us to yesterday. This game was supposed to be automatic. Everyone expected a blowout. Once the game started, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Although the Bolts controlled the game completely in the first half, (The Jets didn’t get a first down until the 2nd Quarter. That’s dominance) they had problems delivering on offense. Nate Kaeding, the automatic kicker, stopped being automatic. In the 3rd, Phillip Rivers threw 2 interceptions in a row. Nate Kaeding missed another field goal. And another. What we witnessed was a complete meltdown from a team that should not be melting down. I have a bad feeling about this franchise. Norv Turner is going to have the gun over his head, and just might get shitcanned before next season. LT is getting old, and Darren Sproles is not a proper protege. They might need to squeeze some more money, so they might get rid of Vincent Jackson or Malcolm Floyd. Basically put, we will not see the San Diego Chargers as a dominant franchise again for a long time. This generation will fizzle out, and the stars will go elsewhere. This team was having financial issues to begin with, and a divisional round loss at the 2 seed is only going to make things worse. It is also sad, considering that if they had beaten the Jets, they are infamous for having the Colt’s number. If they would’ve won yesterday, we would see them in the Super bowl, guaranteed. The Colts do not know how to beat the Chargers, and never will. It’s always the more mediocre teams that know how to dismantle them. And that is exactly what the Jets did yesterday, and I give them infinite respect for that. Their defense was top-class, Sanchez made some pretty decent throws, and their rushing game was surprisingly amazing. It will be a longshot if they beat the Colts, but I wouldn’t put it past them. The New York Jets are the Cinderella of the 2009 season, and I have always said that when I move to New York, I would claim the Jets over the Gnats.  These things I plan on doing. Godspeed, you green animals.

[tear]

And as I close this out, I have to suggest that seeing the Vikings and the Jets in the Super Bowl would be fucking amazing. Especially if the Jets shut them down. It will be one of the most hilarious moments in football history.

Now let us all pray the Robomanning catches a cold this week…

-TeeCoZee!