Breaking News from NASA

Pasadena, CA

NASA JPL scientists announced early this morning that there is conclusive evidence the native Lunar inhabitants have been following Dr. Leopold’s Celebrity Fecal Fantasy Program (see below advertisement).  News broke when high resolution radar images from the LRO spacecraft revealed feces with more structure than has ever been seen before, ever.

“Typically the Lunites registered at about a six, six and a half on the Bristol scale,” says former NASA administrator Michael Griffin.  “It was kind of embarrassing, but we were unable to help in any way.”

The new doogers that were discovered two months ago have an appearance that is currently deemed unclassifiable, but they look like they came out of a buffalo that ate nothing but unshelled brazil nuts, fiberglass, and other buffalo:  an extraordinary achievement previously thought impossible.  NASA intends to retrieve samples as soon as possible.

BACKGROUND & FULL STORY

It is a well known fact that first contact was made with the Lunites during the Apollo project.  Remarkable bowel movements from astronauts Neal Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin quickly earned them godlike status and respect among the locals.  In fact, just moments after shaking hands with their leader, Aldrin allegedly laid a log the size of a “grown man’s forearm— fist, elbow and all”  that remains in the West Crater even today.   Successive interactions with Lunites were very positive, until Apollo 17 when Command Module Pilot, Ronald Evans, mistakenly and disgracefully shat on a sacred mound of lunar regolith.

“It wasn’t so much where he shat as it was how he shat,” says fellow crewman Harrison Schmitt.  “He was doing a one-handed handstand over the emperor’s wife’s burial mound, and his consistency was spot-on!  I mean, we all thought it was fantastic, but the Lunites were superbly appalled.”

Communications worsened after this, and eventually ceased.  NASA has not returned to the moon in almost four decades now.  Two years ago however, SETI received a malicious transmission from the Lunites after they apparently figured out how to use the radio on one of the many Apollo landing modules left on the surface.  SETI translators initially reported that “there definitely might be a couple f-words in there, as well as some offensive racial slurs, we think.”  Actually, subsequent analysis showed that exact translations are shaky at best, but it is unanimously agreed upon that the overall tone was “somewhat bitter in general.” The U.S. was quick to retaliate by bombing their establishments on the south pole of the Moon with the LCROSS mission, last October.

Casualties were estimated to be substantial, yet radar evidence shows that not only are there plenty survivors, but they are now defecating better than Liam Neeson himself!  Scientists have concluded that Uzbekistanian transmissions of Dr. Leopold’s program must have somehow been intercepted by the Lunites, and rigorously followed thereafter.

“We think they’re following some of the ‘beach sand’ diet recommendations, as well as eating plenty of hearty red meats” reports Dr. Leopold.  “The consistency that these images imply is completely off the Bristol scale.  I’m thinking negative three, maybe negative four.  It looks goddamned painful.”

The “beach sand” diet is recommended on Earth because of the small particles smoothed by millions of years of water and wind abrasion. But the “sand” on the moon, or lunar regolith (see magnified image on right), is unweathered by water or wind in the vacuum of space.  The result is similar to a fine dust of razor-sharp, glass shards that would tear up the insides of any human butthole.  Past Apollo astronauts reported problems with this regolith jamming up motorized components, freezing joints in suits, and damaging their lungs. “To think Lunites are ingesting this stuff is bewildering and worrisome,” says Griffin.  The other alarming truth is that there are no other creatures besides the Lunites on the moon, leaving cannibalism as the only explanation for the muscular structure that is so obvious in radar images.  “I don’t condone this behavior, but we all agree it certainly produces some downright impressive shit,” laughs Dr. Leopold.

NASA is now planning to obtain samples using the Moonrise mission, in order to better understand how the Lunites have achieved their new stature, and to possibly expand the Bristol chart with this scientific breakthrough.  (Note that Moonrise is a robotic mission, as humans are still not welcome on the surface.) Moonrise may launch sometime before 2019.  Also, to find out how you can “scat like the stars” please see post below.