Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs That I’ve Been Subjected To Repeatedly This Holiday Season

I have always been a fan of Christmas music. I was the type to still pop in Beach Boys Christmas in the middle of May. However, this year, I have been exposed to too much Meijer radio, and their evil Christmas music. I have compiled a list of 5 that make me want to quit my job and end myself every time I hear it.

5) Barenaked Ladies – “Elf’s Lament”

For some reason, I feel that within the people that have heard this, it is a generally liked or adored tune. However, after hearing it 2 times a day, 2 days a week for the past 3 weeks has been absolute torture. It might also have something to do with the fact that elves piss me off. I feel like they fall too far into the gimmick of being short. People still tend to think that midgets are funny, because they are short, but I think they’re overplayed. The chorus of this song is very fucking annoying, and it sticks in your head like molding jelly on computer paper.

4) John Mellencamp – “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

This sounds like your normal every day John Mellencamp song, except this is the only one out of 3 that are about his mom being a whore. Who the fuck even wrote this song to begin with? He/she must’ve been really deranged, and was probably conceived while mom and dad were listening to “Santa Baby” (which is probably REALLY fucking awkward to bone to…). And don’t get me started about the little kid singing in the middle. Sheer annoyances. Luckily, that bitch didn’t make the Meijer cut.

And I would like to take this time to remind you that you can send Western Union to anywhere in America for only 5 DOLLARS! Give gifts at the speed of love this holiday season!*

3) “‘Zat You, Santa Claus?”

It isn’t the Louis Armstrong version that I have a problem with, but the one that is played at work is by some really really douchy guy that has an amazingly annoying voice. Not only does it have the inert paranoia in the lyrics, but when it’s sung by a wrung out asshole, it sounds like a mess. I plug my ears every time this one comes on.

2) Rod Stewart & Dolly Parton – “Baby It’s Cold Outside”

Rod Stewart in a duet = bad. Dolly Parton = worse. This song = death. Not only are the lyrics to the song terrible, and should never be song by anyone, the inclusion of the 2 most annoyingly contrasted voices makes for a masterpiece of shit. I think I’ll just stay outside, thank you. You creepy bastards can resume singing inside. This is why rape exists.

1) Newsong – “Christmas Shoes”

This song is the insult to all other Christmas songs. It sucks all of the joy and love out of the holiday and turns it into some strange mope story about a dying mom and some shoes that she MIGHT like…if her broke ass son can afford them…dun dun dun! Let me break down the chorus for you:

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Line 1 – Yes, this is a shoe store, you can buy these shoes. The fuck?

Line 2 – Christmas eve has nothing to do with buying shoes. Shoes can be bought 365 days a year…yes, even Christmas day itself. Oh wait, they were stating Christmas Eve, so then we can have the setting imprinted into our heads, as this isn’t actually a Christmas story, it is a story that takes place around Christmas.

Line 3 – Give me the fucking money first, you dillhole!

Line 4 – Start crying, sheep! We have an actual plot! But oh wait, we don’t know what happens to the mom, other than the action of her possibly getting some shoes. Then why the fuck are we mentioning terminal illness? In a Christmas song? Is it because there’s no such thing as funeral music?

Line 5- How do you know this?

Line 6- BAM! Hidden agenda! Could you explain to me why, little boy, do you think your mom is so special that Jesus would greet her at the gates ON HIS BIRTHDAY?!!?? I’m sorry, but this is Jesus’ day off. He’s not welcoming guests, that’s what angels are for. Madly misinformed, young one.

Apparently this song was based off a movie with the same name. I wodner if this song is about the climax of the movie, when the son finally finds the perfect Christmas Shoes for mom…lets consult IMDB…

Two separate stories mesh – in the first, a young music teacher, Maggie Andrews, begins dying of a heart condition and her son Nathan tries to get a pair of Christmas shoes for her before she dies. In the second, lawyer Robert Layton and his wife Kate are slowly drifting apart and the matter comes to a head during Christmas when Kate takes over for Maggie for the school choir and declines a job in Robert’s firm. When Robert’s mother passes away, he begins to reconsider things and his and Nathan’s paths cross on Christmas Eve as Nathan tries to raise the money for the shoes and Robert tries to get a present for his daughter.

Wow! I’m enlightened and confused at the same time! Thanks guys! Oooh! And Rob Lowe is in it! He’s so hunky! Man!

It feels good to be back. Have a pleasant pre-pre-Christmas Eve Eve.




*This is an actual ad slogan used over Meijer radio.