The One Where Michael Vick Gets Out of The Dog House [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup Week 13]
Week 13 is always a telling week, solely because it is the week after week 12, and there is more to be told in the grander scheme of things being said. It is the week that propels the station wagon known as professional football further up the hill, leading towards the cliff that is February. It is the week in which people start using the phrase (and I will repeatedly) “Stick a fork in them, they’re done.” This is the week that draws the line between successes and failures, and blurs the lines inside Venn diagrams, making it a strange looking blob. Also, this is the week in which the BfD squad uncovered some strange suicide note narrative thing that gives me recoiling horrific flashbacks of “House of Leaves”. However, that is something to be touched and elaborated on a later date and time. We have some football to talk about here, suckas!
New York Planes 19 Buffalo..Buffaloes? 13
Take a deep breath, because I’m going to say it. Stick a fork in the Buffalo Bills, for they are done. [Universe Explodes/Implodes/Some other thing.] Okay, so people have been probably saying that since week 1, but I am always in denial when it comes to the Bills. To be frank, they could be 0-12 right now, and I’d still be saying “Nu-uh nuggz! Freddy Jax still be makin dem playz! 4-12 or bust!” In reality, Fred Jackson didn’t do much on Thursday, but a 22-yd return average = mad fantasy points for me, so I will consider the game a success. On the other side of things, The Jets continue to tease their fans with a 6-6 record. They could either finish the season surprisingly well or depressingly bad. My vote goes for the latter, considering that although they one, Sanchez threw for a measly 104 Yards. Inversely Thomas Jones marched for 5 yards more than Sanchez, but still didn’t find the end zone. Oh, and Sanchez hurt his knee, which means in order to survive the rest of the season, the team has to rely on their rushing game. Wait, they were already doing that! I feel sorry for Jets fans around the world…because lord knows I will someday become one of them again. Once they bring back Keyshawn…
Michael Vick 34 The Franchine Formerly Known as The Michael Vick Experience 7
This game had hype written all over it. In fact, the NFL has been making a mighty big deal with players facing off against their former teams. Shit like that spells out drama for us, so when the actual game sucks, we can still thrive on the epicness of the storyline. And the response of Vick returning to Atlanta? Surprisingly warm. You could even relate it to a Hawaiian Breeze. [yep, stole it from a can of glade] Although the boos and cheers were mixed at first, by the end of the game people were chanting for the fucker. And they actually played him long enough to warrant 2 touchdowns: one rushing and one passing…and he only saw about 6 or so snaps. Now THAT’S a tasty statistic! Although he has been buried underneath the actual success of the team for most of the season, people are now talking Vick fever again. Many are speculating that this contract is merely a “tryout” for an NFL team that actually needs him. Even though he has barely played, there is very present improvement on his part. There are many teams out there that would be itching to replace their Brady Quinns, Jake DelHommes, Marc Bulgers and Tony Romos. As for the actual game that occurred, all I have to say is “The fuck happened to the Falcons?”Something just didn’t connect with them, even though the stats tell otherwise. Roddy White took names while kicking out 107 yards and Tony Gonzalez was effective as all hell…but oh wait, the rest of the team fucked up completely. Their running game is next to comatose, and Gilette Boy is being missed from all fans. Once again, the Falcons need a fork…
And the Eagles? i can see them taking down the NFC East…as long as they stay consistent…which they won’t…
Carolina 16 Tampa Bay 6
Good god this game was boring. I feel bad for anyone that had this game as part of local coverage. It was hard enough watching the Redzone plays. How in the fuck can Bucs QB Josh Freeman throw for over 300 yards, but never connect a touchdown and throw 5 picks?!?!? It was one of THOSE games. There was only one touchdown: a lazy John Stewart lean forward in the 1st quarter. It wasn’t so much of a defensive showdown as it was an experiment in 2 incompetent offenses. However, Matt Moore impressed the world (or limited minority) by only throwing one interception. But he was still unwatchable. Can we move on please?
Chicago 17 St Louis 9
Thank you! Wait– shit! This isn’t what I wanted! I wanted to talk about an offensive showdown, where going to the bathroom is a mortal sin and runny noses can keep running down and off the chin. I would like to talk about one of those games, please. Why am I so defenseless against my own blog? Fuck it. Fuck it all. Shapeshifiting quarterback Kyle Boller, not to be confused with other Rams QB Marc Bulger or Lord Bowler, the iconic character from the ’90s seminal sci-fi western show “The Adventures of Brisco County Jr”, attempted to rally his team against the sparkless Jay Cutler & Friends, and ultimately failed, like everyone expected. 17/32 for 113 and 1 INT. A very generic statistic for a very generic quarterback playing for a very generic team playing against a very generic team in a very generic game to be mentioned in a very generic run-on sentence written by moi, who is not generic. So therefore, The St Louis Rams = Not generic. But still shitty as fuck.
Who dey? 23 Thought They Could Beat Dem Bengals 13
Okay, so not many actually thought that the Detroit Lions could beat the Bengals. However, this could be the game to shut up the critics, because the Bengals are now 9-3, holding the AFC North hostage. Before the game, Chad Ochocinco, my hero, announced on Twitter that he would have a touchdown celebration that will cause a fine. I was hoping for something a little more humiliating for the Lions, but lo and behold, he caught a 36 yard touchdown pass and proceeded to…put on a sombrero and poncho!?!?? How is that even fine-worthy? In my opinion, whatever players wear on the sidelines is their own prerogative. The only reason he should be fined is because of the fact that he instigated it.
Oh and the Lions are fucked. Daunte Culpepper is one of Satan’s minions. Or Bobby Ross & Charlie Batch’s illegitimate lovechild. Or fuckbuddy. Fuck the Lions. Fuck them to hell.
There’s always next season. When I won’t have to watch all their games…
Some Random NFL Squad 27 Tennessee Losing Titans 17
Pg. 139 – Par. 3-5: Thayer accuses the Western world for relinquishing people of their responsibilities and disguising it as freedom. We are living in a world of increasing convenience; there are many ready-made sociological models made for us, and there are many to blame when these models go awry. As things become easier to attain, we become eager for questions to be raised for us and even more eager for those questions to be answered. The freedoms that are bestowed upon us are becoming more like mental prisons that limit our potential. At the end of the day, I can blame my depression on the weather or the lack of finesse in the Charger’s passing defense. The personal freedom to think like this is detrimental to building a stronger self, but is easy to excuse in this day and age. Basically put, our developing era of convenience is making us irresponsible in developing our own sense of self.
JacksonVillains 23 Houston Texans 18
Yeah, like anyone was actually expecting the Texans to do something this year. They were one of those “promising” 5-6 teams last week, but no, all bets are done, close the gate, shits over. You know why? Matt Shaub gets hurt. And that’s not the bad part. Replacing him was…Sexy Rexy Grossman?!?!? Even his nickname is contradictory! How can he be both a sexy man and a gross man? I guess it’s a matter of preference. However, preference doesn’t matter when he plays like a fucking leper. He was the thorn in Chicago’s side when they stumbled into the Super Bowl a few years back, and has been a laughing stock since the day he was born. The douchebag threw a pick on his first snap! Oh, and Steve Slaton, also M.I.A. The Texans are done, man. But on the same note, how in the fuck are the Jags 7-5?!?!? Because they keep play in the AFC South? Fuck that. If they make it to the playoffs, I’m going to hibernate for the winter. People keep on talking hype about “Pocket Hercules” Maurice Jones Drew, but I end up spending the whole time thinking about the ridiculousness of his name. I have been moderately impressed in previous weeks, but eh, I really am not rooting for this squad. Mehs all around.
Denver 44 Kansas City 13
Do you know Shon Marino? No, but I know Knowshon Marino. Hah. Pun. Love it. He scored two touchdowns. Good for him. Hah. Knowshon…love that name…
Okay, seriously, the Broncos are fucking scaring me! After being beaten within an inch of their lives a few weeks ago, they remain only 1 game behind San Diego…and guess who has the easier schedule…I’m rooting for another December meltdown, but man, this might be Denver’s turnaround year. Fuck. No. Please don’t. That hurts. Ow! Stop it guys! Stop winning games, please!
Miami 22 New England 21
I was stuffing my face full of free tacos, when some drunk asshole at the table next to me shouted out that the Dolphins actually won. I laughed a little inside. Something is just not right with New England this season. You know what that is? I’m actually rooting for them! In fact, I was even rooting for them yesterday, as I had already expressed my disdain towards Miami sans Ronnie Brownskis. I guess it could be told that this is the worst defense the Pats have had in over a decade. They also haven’t lost 2 games in a row since I can remember coherently. Something’s awry in Foxboro. Someone get the cutlery.
The 2009 Oakland Raiders? 27 Pittsborough 24
Well, I don’t think Raiders fans even saw this one coming. What started as an awful game of epic proportions turned into a 4th quarter shootout with Brad Gradkowski throwing not one, not two, not four, but THREE touchdowns. And this is on the same day Santonio Holmes gets a buck fitty? And the Steelers are doomed for the rest of the season? I am so fucking wet right now, you can call me Aquaman. But please…Coze is fine…Either way, it is mildly enlightening to see the Oakland Raiders take down the big game that they needed. 4-8 isn’t that terrible, considering that there are much worse records out there. They are on the up and up, and maybe a .500 season for 2010. Hopes can go up that high, right?
And I must emphasize: The Steelers have lost 4 games in a row…
New Orleans 33 Washington 30 [OT]
This was a very peculiar situation for me. On one hand, I do like the Saints a lot this year, as I have stated numerous times. Although Washington dominated most of the game, I still expected the Saints to pull back up and win. Regardless, I was still hoping that the Redskins would hold on to their lead. No matter how much I like The Saints, I still have this strange bloodlust to watch them fail, just so I know that it’s possible. This will be known as one of the best games of 2009. It was a hard-fought battle on both sides. It was one of those rare occasions when a bad team looks good, especially Jason Campbell, who threw for 367 yards and 3 touches. I have a lot of respect for both teams after watching this game, however, I have no respect for Redskins kicker Shaun Suisham. The fuckclown missed a 23 yard field goal with 1:56 left in the 4th, thus letting the game go into overtime. I still give the Skins a pat on the back for trying their hardest against arguably the best team in the NFL. As for that “best team”, I’m still waiting for Rivers vs Brees Part 2.
San Diego Super Chargers 30 Cleveland 23
Please, don’t let the score fool you. The Chargers only punted once. It wasn’t that close of a game. Philly Rivies dominated the ozone layer with 373 yards and 2 touchdowns, and LT broke more records. Business as fucking usual. The Bolts are now on a 7 game winning streak, which is good momentum to have considering the last part of their schedule is rather vicious. I’m hopeful for this squad, but I can still see dark clouds in the horizon. I will not be overtly optimistic until after the first playoff win. 9-3 is still 9-3. Antonio Gates is still a robot. All is fine. Everything will be fine.
New York Gnats 31 Dallas Cowboys: The December Edition 24
When a team doesn’t win a December game in over 3 years, something is wrong with the team. Regardless, for the first 3 months of the season, nobody hardly talked ill of the Dallas Cowboys. But they haven’t won in December (or January) since around 2006. Maybe 2005. Either way, it’s a fucked streak. This has to be some sort of curse, because statistically, there is no way the Giants should have won this game. Romo was on fire, almost breaking 400 yards, and Jason Witten didn’t do too bad himself either with his buck-fitty-six. You look on the other side, and you don’t see stats like that. You don’t see anything even remotely impressive. Makes no sense. On a side note: I was asked yesterday why I am not a Cowboys fan. After all, they have been taking over the Michigan 4:00 time slot since I’ve been watching football. I came to the conclusion that…they just…bore me….
Seattle 20 San Fran 17
It was like the Seahawks were a dying corpse, and before they entered the gates of hell, they took the 49ers with them. Good job, fuckos. Now you’re both dead.
Kurt Warner 30 Brett Favre 17
I slept through this game, as I had to be up at 4 this morning. I was mildly surprised by the score. Fuck both teams.
Green Bay 0 Baltimore 0
Although this game hasn’t started yet, this might be the final score…
And now…[drumroll.]…The “Fucked” List!!!!!111“`
It is now that time of the year that we can tell definitively which teams deserve to finish out their season and which ones are playing for bragging rights. Some failures I am ecstatic about. Some make me want to cry. Holla
New York Jets
New York Giants (I said it. Do something.)
Man, I really wish I could’ve put Arizona on that list. Oh well. Shit happens. Have a good week everyone! And remember: THERE ARE ONLY 4 MORE ST LOUIS RAMS GAMES LEFT!!!!!