Which Metal Band Are You?

The REAL United Nations

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How do you define yourself?  Developing a clear and defined me in this world rife with product placement and self help books  is hard work.

Some folks define their me by their sense of style (like wearing skin tight jeans and clipping their keys to their belts)

Others folks find me in their massive collection of alphabetized, vintage LP’s (nestled between M.C. Hammer and Michael Bolton)

Still others display their me in their intimate knowledge of the 1972 starting line-up of the Detroit Tigers:

1972 Detroit Tigers roster




Other batters



No matter where folks search in vain for their me, they often overlook what truly differenciates one person from another. No, silly, I’m not talking about race, religion, gender or shoe size. I’m talking about METAL.

Everyone in the world, from Vladimir Putin to Verne Troyer, can be easily shoe-horned into one of six “Metalorities.”

Which Metalority are you?

Wait, before you get all wussy and introspective, take this easy five question “questionare” to discover your ideal METAL soul mate.

If you don’t find yourself in the catagory you expected, or feel cheated by my choices of METAL bands, then you need to look no further than this famous quote from the self-proclaimed Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne:

Where did I leave my fucking shoes? SHARON! WHERE ARE MY FUCKING SHOES!


Choose a number for each question then, at the end of the test, tally up your score to discover your Metalority.


You are about to meet your band’s “biggest fan.” They would most likely:

1. Have shoulder-blade length greasy hair and a long sleeved T-Shirt (to hide track marks) depicting a skeleton choking Tipper Gore with a CENSORED label.

2. Sport a blond teased up perm, skin-tight Siberian tiger pants with a pink scarf  tucked in at the waist and an unbuttoned sequined black shirt revealing four layers of gold chains (charms may vary).

3. Wield a large bastard sword, have a leather loincloth wrapped around their noticeably steroid decreased family jewels, rounded off with a vest and  cape sewn together from the exotic sinews of a mythical creature whose skull they crushed with their bare hands.

4. Wear a skin-tight black leather body suit crisscrossed with yellow zippers,  have lightly teased curls reminiscent of a harlequin romance novel hero and, most importantly, a prominently displayed gold wedding band.

5. Cover their bulging beer belly with a button up confederate flag shirt crowned with a teal head dress made from the feathers of eagles they killed with a crossbow.

6. Shiverlike the pathetic humanoid they are and beg  you to  eviscerate them and shove a large novelty drill into their “oopsie place” while Hitler and Jesus look on and touch each other in their “oopsie places.”


Your next album cover would most likely feature:

1. A cloudy sky ominously staring down at a stretching, green field where an old grandmother in slippers is hanging up newborn babies to dry.

2. Your band standing in rockin’ poses (with your hips 100% cocked) in a dark, cobble-stoned alleyway with purple lights shining through smoke behind you.

3. A Masters of the Universe style brute standing before a flaming cave and plunging his sword into the corpses of his slain foes while thrusting the American Flag high into the air.

4. Your band with white loin clothes flying through the air with  angelic wings trying to save a damned soul that’s falling into a crack in the earth where surely alcoholism, unprotected sex, and commercial success lie in wait.

5. A well endowed young lady bound and gagged and lying  among a mixture of vegetables in an iron skillet waiting to be seared to perfection and served “extra rare.”

6. Your band, with long cruel looking weapons at the ready, standing on top of a mountain made from the sewn together corpses from the countless worlds that you have destroyed with pure, unfiltered ROCK.


You are trapped in an elevator with Christ. You would most likely:

1. Corner him into a long, one sided rant about how “the man” is as addicted to war as a junkie is to heroin then pause, become very confused, possibly vomit, and then ask Christ if he knows where to score some good smack.

2. Give Christ tips on fashion, suggesting that he ditch the “Last Supper,” look and go with something a little harder, a little darker, such as lipstick and rough. You would then proceed to take out your three different shades of lipstick (always be prepared) and help Christ find the perfect color that would make the babes go wild.

3. Challenge Christ to a test of might which, considering the logistical confines of an elevator, would be seeing who can do the most one handed push ups in a row. After Christ refuses to participate in such a “silly” man game, you would then proclaim victory by thrusting your arm into the air and watching it get struck repeatedly by lightning from above.

4. Grovel, cry, grovel, recover, grovel, cry, sing, grovel, cry, soil yourself, apologize while groveling, then ask Christ “why do bad things happen to good people?

5. Thank him and his pops for having the good sense to put someone like ol’ Ronnie Regan in the white house and then proceed to badger Christ for an answer as to why he and God created hippies and laws forbidding the hunting of hippies with a crossbow.

6. You would crush the son of god beneath your intergalactic boot heel and then scrape off the pitiful pile of goo once known as “Christ” and eat it, making his life force your own.  BWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


What brand of fabric softener do you use?

1. Heinz brand vinegar

2. Bounce

3. Fairy

4. Final Touch

5. Twigs N’ Leaves

6. Man-Flesh


If you could be any historical figure, you would be:

A poster from Mumm-Ra’s short lived solo tour “A Night With Mumm.”

1. Duke Nukem

2. Louie XVI

3. Conan the Destroyer

4. Mathew, Mark, Luke and John

5. Yourself

6. Mumm-Ra the Ever Living.


Now, take ten seconds to tally up your score to see which of the following bands best represents your “Metalority.”












One – Five =  MEGADETH

You are MEGADETH. You live your life according to the doctrine of  Thrash Metal, namely, aggressive, fast paced, and blacked out drunk. Much like MEGADETH front man Dave Mustaine, your larger then life personality may have lost you a few jobs (remember that time you were fired from METALLICA?) but enders you to legions of depressed, confused, and hormone enraged youths that are still willing to shell out 50 plus dollars or so for tickets to your reuinion tour in Grand Rapids, M.I. Later in life, your policial lyrics and advocasy may lead you to become a born again Christian, but that dosen’t mean you have to give up the drugs! Even Christ liked a nightcap every once and a while.

Link to MEGADEATH song:


You are CINDERELLA. Like many bands in the mid to late 80’s, you knew that true men wore lip-stick, blush, and enough scarves tied around their legs to make tourniquets for every single amputee from Gettysburg. Although those punks from Nirvana may have come along and made it cool to look like you lived in your parent’s basement, you still held fast to the belief that babes will always prefer guys that look really gay. While you may be going through a rough patch in your life twenty three years after your peak, you can take comfort in the fact that someday you might join Dee Snyder and Sebastian Bach as a talking head on the endless stream of 80’s based reality shows VH1 is churning out faster then Apple is Ipods.

Link to CINDERELLA song:

Eleven – Fifteen = MANOWAR

You are MANOWAR. While other kids played with barbies and baby-craps-its-pants as a child, you were out in your backyard cleaving squirrels in twain and putting their heads on stakes as a warning to rodents everywhere.  You wrote an essay in elementary school about “how you spent your summer vacation” in your own blood right before kicking Sean Cullin’s ass for wearing a George Micheals shirt to school. While others considered college, you were busy gathering a band of followers to slay Smaug the Dragon and then prudently invest his horde of goblen treasure into MANOWAR merchendise. Even though you may be too hardcore and mighty for others to understand, you can sleep soundly knowing that, like “The Wheel of Time” fantasy series, MANOWAR is never going to fucking end. EVER.

Link to MANOWAR song:

Sixteen – Twenty =    STRYPER

You are STRYPER. Like so many bands of yesterday and tomorrow, you realize that not only that you can rock about God, but that God is your rock! While other METAL bands are clearly going to hell, your tickets to heaven are already booked 1st class (with matching tickets for the wife and kids at home of course) So what if you’ve never been “famous,” or “popular” like some of those other METAL bands that love satan (Slayer, Anthrax, The Beatles)    You fill your bank account with good intentions and your checks bounce with grace and you can be sure that, like Job, God is only putting you through a series of trials before making you the most popular international Christian Heavy Metal Superstar of all time.

Link to STRYPER song:

Twenty One – Twenty Five = TED NUGENT

You are TED NUGENT. You are an asshole. You spent most of your childhood cycling through your parents bristling arsenel of weapons for just the right impliment of death to destroy a pile of Three Dog Night records lying at your feet. You hate Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter was not only a pussy, he was probably a fag too. Look how many books he’s written! You may be a talented guitarist in your own right, but the only real benifit you see in such skills is that they give you legions of fans to abuse. After all, you’ve never touched a drop of alchohol or a syringe in your life (and know full well that anyone who does is a”pinko commie FAGGGGGGOOOOTTTT!”)  so your only real way to “let off some steam” is by forcing people dumb enough to worship you to humiliate themselves on national television while you sit back and enjoy a mouthfull of raw burger. It’s good to be the Nuge.

Link to TED NUGENT song:

Twenty Six – Thirty= GWAR

You are GWAR. You used to be art students at Virgnina Commonwealth University, but now you are Intergalactic Warriors from another planet that, after landing in Antarctica, can now proceed upon their mission to KILL EVERYONE, usually through their “oopsie place.” When not killing such celebrities as O. J. Simpson and former presidential hopeful John McCain on stage before legions of fans  (most of whom also enjoy huffing computer air duster), you often enjoy knitting and taking long walks that go “wherever the wind takes you.

Link to GWAR song:

CONGRATULATIONS! With the knowledge gained from this endlessly information personality test, you finally have something to put down on job applications and a real answer for the question “describe yourself in three words.”

Which METAL band did you turn out to be? Post your results below. If you think you are a METAL band, but not one of the fine bands included in this quiz (you are wrong), TELL US BELOW!