5-6 Teams Make Little Girls Cry [TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup Week 12]

Calm down, little girl. Your team is 5-6! They can still make the playoffs! ...but they won't.

Wow. Just fucking wow. It’s December already. How do I know this? I can’t watch football for 5 minutes without seeing a graphic come up with the AFC/NFC Playoff picture. Normally, this is fine, but it makes me feel really weird inside when all the teams in the wild card bubble are 5-6, or worse. I mean, sure, if you win out the rest of the season, you could be 10-6, but this is the NFL. Last year, the Pats were 11-5 and still couldn’t make it to the playoffs. What I find to be most strange, however, is that the commentators and analysts are constantly talking up these 5-6 teams, while at the same time disregarding 6-5 and 7-4 teams such as the Steelers and Pats as teams that simply “won’t make it”.  But maybe everyone is right, because week 12 was really telling on what teams are on the verge of total franchise destruction, and what teams actually make 5-6 look like the new 9-2. Onward!

Green Bay 34 Detroit 12

Scalping tickets is a lost art. I know this almost firsthand. Ever since the Lions moved into their mediocre new “stadium”, finding a good deal from mildly dishonest men are becoming more and more difficult. Back in the Silverdome days, scalpers would stand along the highway in a barren landscape. These guys meant business, they weren’t trying to pull any tricks. These guys in Pontiac knew the target demographic: people that just want to see the game. Ford Field has a much different landscape, as buildings are crammed together, and scalpers hang out in waves. Their main problem: they only have GOOD tickets. My dad and I showed up with a little short of 100 bucks, which has never EVER been a problem when trying to get 2 tickets. It seemed that every scalper had good seats, near the 50 yard line, and they were all asking around 80 bucks per ticket. One guy was going to sell us tickets for 90, but when my dad forced him to move his thumb, the tickets ended up being for 3 fucking weeks ago. We go to the actual ticket booth, but the “cheapest” tickets remaining were 160 a pop. Who in the fuck would pay 160 bucks per ticket to see the Lions?!?!?!? Does it come with a free blowjob from the Ford family themselves? After 45 minutes of asking around, we spotted someone that might be able to help us out. How did we know this? Well, he was white trash looking, so obviously he had cheap seat tickets. He gives us a “deal” and we finally get 2 tickets for 90 bucks. Only thing being that the two tickets were in different sections. But at least we got in, and the first 2 minutes of the game were amazing. The returner for Green Bay fumbled the opening kickoff, which led to a dramatic one yard touchdown pass to Calvin Johnson. After that, they forced the Pack into a 3 and out. It was fucking beautiful. We were still riding on the high from last weeks game against Cleveland, and it seemed that we could be thankful for the lions on this fateful Thanksgiving day. That was, until Aaron Rogers happened. I still don’t know how this asshole does it. He could be getting a full on blitz going at him, but can still heave it 60 yards to go directly into the hands of Donald Driver. The bozo was 28/39 for 348 Yards and 3 touches. It was painful. Detroit hung on tight for the first half, as my Dad and I repeatedly got kicked out of our seats that we were stealing (Seriously, if you don’t show up to a game until late in the 2nd Quarter, you don’t deserve to have your seat. Unspoken rule written by broke ass football fans everywhere), but in the third quarter, everything fell apart into a not-so neat package.  I have already blocked out most memories form the 2nd half. Instead of watching the game, I would sometimes just watch and see how many people get up and leave after a play, and gauge the action from that. All in all, it was a good Thanksgiving. It’s not like any of us expected the Lions to win, and it was much more interesting than last years game against the Titans. Besides, 2 minutes out of 60 aint bad at all…

Dallas 24 Oakland 7

It is difficult to listen to football games on the radio. Compared to other sports, the main action is sporadic, so you really have to listen up. The commentators are much flatter than the ones of Hockey. When you’re listening to an NHL game, you know when someone scores, but the announcers voice gets really high pitched and then if you missed that, there’s a loud fucking buzzer to let the deaf people know that this team has scored. Football is not like this, so every year, I mentally miss the Dallas Thanksgiving game. We are always on the road back from Detroit, so stations go in and out. I call it The Fuzzy Bowl, but I am pretty sure some kinky individuals have already used that term before. When they are “in” there is still a big wave of static in the background (that’s the thing about my dad…I really think he’s addicted to white noise). So I listen as well as I can, but whenever I get home and see the score, I realize that I really wasn’t getting a full grasp on the game. As was the case with this game. I thought it was a close battle, and that Oakland might’ve been able to pull something off. I got home to realize that I was not actually listening to the game. So the Cowboys beat the Raiders. Whoopty-shit. They shouldn’t have made it the Thanksgiving game. Nobody wants to see that, not even Cowboys fans. November is now officially over, so expect the them to lose out the rest of the season and fail to make the wild-card. We all love you, Tony Romo.

Ah Crap The Denver Broncos? 26 Little Pants Manning and The Giant New York Band 6

Now here’s a juicy situation: all of America is overstuffed with food and can’t move. Then they get to watch 2 teams on the verge of nuclear meltdown. May the best loser lose out the rest of the season (I need to stop using this expression, but I feel like it’s going to happen to a LOT of teams this season. I might even make a list at the end) As sad as it is to say, Denver might be back in the picture. The Chargers needs to clinch the division SOON. It appears that the giants have lost all sense of chemistry, which is quite sad considering that they are still basically the same franchise they were 2 years ago when they shocked the world with a super bowl win. This loss sinks them into 3rd place in the NFC East, and yes, now everyone’s saying that there’s no chance for a playoff spot. They have lost 5 or their last 6 games, and their remaining schedule looks pretty brutal. But wait, what’s this? They’re playing Tony Romo’s Cowboys next week…in December…this could be interesting…but no, fuck it, we can still count the Giants out of the playoff picture. NEXT!

Atlanta 20 Tampa Bay 17

The Burner Turner burning his leg? Check. Wonderboy Gilette spokesman Matt Ryan knocked out of the game? Check. Chris Redman being Chris Redman? Che–wait, who the fuck is Chris Redman? Exactly! Regardless of the fact that the Falcons have been proving to be less than worthless in the past couple of weeks and the abscense of their marquee players, they were still able to beat one of the worst teams in the NFL…barely…and what does that mean? Absolutely nothing! However, it was really fun to see a backup quarterback lead a team to victory, with the dramatic last-second touchdown pass to Roddy White (which at this point in the season is a cliché act). Victory aside, the Falcons are still doomed for the rest of the season. But hell, there’s always next year right? Right?

Buffalo 31 Miami 14

Now that Ronnie Brown is out for the season, the wildcat offense no longer amuses me. In fact, it seems like the team has no charisma anymore. Sure, Chad Henne and Dopey Williams can still spend the rest of the season shutting up naysayers, but when they lost Ronnie, they had to have lost half of their out-of-market fanbase. These things just happen. On that note, I was extremely enthusiastic about Buffalo’s 24 point 4th quarter rally. It’s nice to see that even though the rest of the world forgot about Fred Jackson, Fred Jackson didn’t forget about Fred Jackson. The dude was beastly, pulling off 116 all-purpose yards and 2 trips to the end zone. Also, the world was reminded of T.O., who had another stellar week. (2 weeks in a row?!?!? Do I smell playoff hopes for the 2010 season? Nope, that’s just the smell of false hope. And probably another trade-off.) This game was proof of why I’ve been a closet case Bills fan for the past few years. When they want to, they can perform, but just like any Buffalo resident, they aren’t quite “there”. In any event, Miami can be placed on the list of teams that still know how to make 5-6 look good, and for some reason beyond me, people are still talking playoffs for this band of injured fuckups.

Cincinnati 16 Cleveland 7

During this game, everyone kept on talking about the explosive offense of the Cleveland Browns circa Week 11, but what analysts still fail to realize is that they were playing the Lions. That should’ve been a cold giveaway, but people still expected a lot out of both of the teams for the remainder of the season. I guess Brady Quinn fever was simply a 24 hour bug. (Also to be known as Tim Couch Syndrome, in which people suddenly got really excited about a Cleveland QB and forget who they are for a short period of time. Although there is no FDA approved cure, many scientists believe that 10 interceptions and 4 losses help decrease symptoms in men…) So the Bengals win again, continuing their reign of terror on the AFC North. Even through this pandemonium, I can still see a thin smokescreen. The Bengals just aren’t performing like an 8-3 teams should. Carson Palmer can’t even impress his own mother with the stats he’s been spewing out lately [13/24 – 110 yds – 1TD -0 impressed Cozies]. Not only was Chad Ochocinco dumb enough to go out and buy a Snuggie on Black Friday (you can buy a Snuggie ANY day of the week…trust me…), but he was also dumb enough to amend the NFL rulebook, barring any team to do single coverage on him. Because of this, he is being double-teamed more than I girl I once knew in high school, but was too good and prudent for. (What can I say? I wasn’t smitten…) He found the ball 3 times for 38 yards, which isn’t a bad stat, but doesn’t make any penis hard. Larry Johnson ran past a bunch of fags, getting 107 yards in place of Cedric Benson, who will not be doing much dancing soon with his hip injury…hopefully. Although the bandwagon is still cushy, it’s going to take a 200 yd+ passing game out of Carson, a TD from Ocho and a dominant Cedric Benson return until I can start being a true believer and annoy everyone with the “who dey?” chant everywhere I go.

New York Football Jets 17 Kerry Collins Was Much Better To Look At Circa 1995 6

I wish Kerry Collins still played for the Panthers. That would give him an excuse for still hanging around the NFL. Sure, he had a good run with the Titans last year, and didn’t he lead some boring team to the super bowl (?), but after the fuckuppery of this year, people are asking why this old geezer is still throwing leather. Being a franchise quarterback is the best possible excuse. If Jake Of Man could call himself a franchise quarterback, then Carolina would be fucked for life. Luckily, nobody in Carolina will accept him as one, so he will be gone by next year…hopefully. The fuckclown went 14/34 for 130 and 4 INTs. Bizarre stats for someone that once led a playoff caliber team…kind of like…dare I say…Kerry Collins?!?!?!?!!? And while many people are thinking Playoffs for the Jets, I’m thinking about what I should eat for lunch, because neither of these are actually going to happen.

And this is the part where some asshole chimes in: “Come on dude! They’re 5-6! They still have a chance!”

And I might get laid before the playoffs…

Team TBA 35 The 5-6 Houston Texans 27

The last sentence was funny, because there is no chance of me leading a romantic life before the playoffs, because I dedicate my entire time nowadays following the NFL so I can write these roundups that will be read by 6 people tops. I’m doing it all for you guys!

Also, I was thinking about heating up some clam chowder…

Philadelphia 27 Washington 24

I was told by many that this would be a good game. I didn’t buy such nonsense, so I ignored most of the game. Jason Campbell actually threw 2 touchdowns, so I guess that must’ve been exciting. As much as I have loved the Eagles all year, I still don’t feel a huge itch to start rooting for them as a playoff caliber team. It might take a huge win against a GOOD team to induce this feeling. However, since the NFL is all about comebacks this year, I can see the Eagles winning the next 3 games, locking a playoff spot, and then having Donovan get a season/career ending injury. So with the team already in the playoffs, Michael Vick comes and saves the day, thus nullifying all of the horrible things he has done. This will inspire Plaxico Burress to pursue a career in cigarette trading.

Seattle 27 St Louis 17

I was getting sick of Matt Forte fucking up my ozone layer, so I decided to pick up some random dude that was covering for an injured Julius Jones. His name is Justin Forsett. You will know his name by the start of next season. The man eats yards for brunch, as he gobbled 130 yards and made 2 trips to Endzoneland. This made my fantasy game go very very well. Now that this is happening, I really hope Julius Jones recovers from his injury to find a backup position waiting for him, because I find it really easy to root for a Seahawks team with Justin Forsett in the backfield. He may have only played two games against piss-poor teams, but this man is a legend in the making. Also, Kyle Boller filled in for Marc Bulger. and did pretty well considering that he played just like Marc Bulger. I kind of always thought they were the same person. I can’t wait until the regular season is over. Then I can stop watching the fucking Rams playing terrible football. I am getting really irritated with the phrase “Steven Jackson should win the award for the best player on the worst team”. Hahahahahahahahahaha. That joke was funny in week 1. Now Steven Jackson is the joke, and if he doesn’t threaten retirement, he will be spending a hilarious career under the archway.

The San Diego Super Chargers 43 Kansas City 14

I am still laughing at the fact that there was a point at about 3:41 on Sunday in which I was afraid that this game would end up being one of those revenge stories. As I sat there, filled to the brim with free tacos, I had some fucked up vision of Chris Chambers running trains all over the hole-ridden San Diego secondary. He may have gotten 70 yards and one touch, but this vision was merely a product of sour cream overload. There is one thing that I don’t understand, however: The Chiefs play against San Diego 2 times a year…how come they treat Antonio Gates like he’s some rookie on the verge of stardom?!?!?!? The man has been making plays for a shade under a decade now, and yet some teams just don’t remember to put coverage on him. It almost feels like an insult. As they do every season, the Chargers are on a 6 game winning streak (longest in the NFL out of all the teams that have actually been defeated this season) and Norv Turner is once again off the chopping block. The rest of their season looks good, considering that they all of the marquee teams they’re playing has no defense at all (with a respectful exception to Cincy). Now that they have an actual rhythm, I can see then finishing up 12-4, but wouldn’t be surprised is 11-5 or 13-3 happens. As far as the playoffs go, I would still LOVE to see a Rivers VS Brees Super Bowl, but I’m not getting any hopes up until the end of January. Especially when Brett Favre keeps fucking things up for America…

Brett Favre 36 Chicago 10

I am tired of complaining about Brett Favre and the possibility of the NFL being rigged. I just have to say that I am still extremely sick of 3 things:

1) Whenever a TV analyst says the team name, it is always : Brett Favre and the Minnesota Vikings.

2) Commentators mentioning his age.

3) Wrangler commercials.

Chris Johnson and the Legion of 5-6 Doom 20 The Team Formerly Known as The Kurt Warner Show 17

The NFL is doing wicked things to fans this year. They take the Tennessee Titans, a team lead by Kerrry Collins that did not deserve to be a dominating team last year, and make them lose their first 6 games of the season. Everyone was speaking in what the fuckerys, and all of a sudden, they bring back Vince Young, and they are on a 5 game winning streak. Now, everyone HAS TO root for this team, because everyone loves a comeback story! I must explain, however, I became a fan on the Titans in the first couple of weeks, when Chris Fucking Johnson was introduced to my eyes. It’s a damn shame that he won’t be considered for league MVP, because he deserves it just as much as the next or last man. I am really interested to see how this team pans out for the rest of the season, because realistically, if they win out they will be on the playoff bubble, and it could make for the story of the year (and have everyone forget about geezer Sears spokesmen). Once again, 5-6 looks damn good on some people.

San Fran 20 Jacksonville 3

I wish Mike Singletary was my dad. He would raise me right. The dude has really whipped a crappy team into presentable shape. However, the 49ers are one of those teams that DONT make 5-6 look too hot. If Kurt Warner stays out for Zona, they might have a chance of bulldozing the rest of their schedule and stealing the NFC West, but that is only in an ideal world. The rest of their schedule looks promising, with only two big games against Philly and Zona, as they can easily breeze through St Louis, Detroit, and Seattle. Come to think of it, as long as Alex Smith doesn’t make the world go flat, this could be a promising year for the 49ers, which is something I’ve been hoping about for a while. On a side note, how in the shit are the Jags still 6-5? This is not a winning team in any sense of the word. Some things will never make sense to me…

Ballstimore 20 Pittsborough 17 [OT]

I only stayed awake for the first couple of drives of this game. I simply wanted to see how much of a fucktard Dennis Dixon was and sleep comfortably. I woke up in the morning to the shock that this game actually went into overtime. I guess it really was a good decision to go to bed early…

Also, at 6-5 in a Bengal dominated AFC North, both of these teams are fucked for the season. Mark my words. Mark em as true.

New Orleans 38 New England 17

I was jacked about this game all freakin week. I even watched the ad-ridden pregame show, and considered buying a GMC Sierra. once the game started, I was bored. And the boredom stuck. This could be one of the most disappointing games of the season, but I’m not sure what exactly I was looking for. I am still puzzled about why I am rooting for the Patroits, but it’s making them lose games, so I might as well stick with it. Deep inside, I knew Drew Brees would deliver, and I hope he continues doing that all the way to the Super Bowl. The Saints have a very easy schedule for the rest of the season, and it would be no surprise if they finish the season 16-0, which is good for a teams self-esteem, and for the history books.

And now, there’s only 5 weeks left. This is probably a good thing, because this sport is really starting to take over my mind. I hope somebody made it this far into the writing, and that whoever does has a wonderful week.