I’m Not Feeling Like Myself

Ever since the clerk at a convenience store two blocks from my house refused to believe that the person on my license was actually me I’ve had this irrational fear of being accused of being some sort of international spy. Every time I have to hand over my ID to prove that I am, in fact, myself, I get a little queasy inside, and look around expecting a couple of nondescript men in black suits with skinny ties to come out of some hidden door and grab me and my ID, telling me I’ve got some explaining to do, but not here, some where away from prying eyes where they have access to very persuasive methods of making me talk.

I really just don’t know what to say when my personal identification isn’t believable enough to prove that I am me. Isn’t that what these things are supposed to be for? Maybe it’s because of the higher profile of identity theft in recent years, causing store owners to crack down on employees to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt the the guy buying cigarettes or a pint of whiskey is actually factually who he says he is, for fear of some retribution from fraud claims and other lawsuits. Maybe by not believing the standard issue license, these businesses are looking out for my interests. Maybe making it so my ID isn’t a valid proof of my identity is saving my identity from some heinous theft.

I think it just means you have to figure out how to steal your own identity back. This shouldn’t be hard, since I am me. But how do I go about convincing others that I am me, especially when conventional methods aren’t up to snuff.

Lie through your teeth until you face melts off. This can prove challenging, since the lie your trying to sell is in fact, the truth, but don’t let that detail get you down. First, you have to convince yourself that you are not yourself. As soon as you believe you are someone else, it’ll be much easier convincing someone else that you are you not someone else pretending to be you. If this gets confusing, just take a breath and repeat the following mantra to yourself until you convince yourself that you are not yourself but rather someone else pretending to be yourself.

“I’m not the one I thought I was but rather the one thinking that I am the one that thought I was the one that thought that I was the one thinking that I am the one that I am.”

Eventually your brain will turn to some kind of jelly or marmalade. This is the perfect state to be able to begin stealing your own identity: you’ve broken through your defenses and now can start the process of stealing your life so you can begin living… your life.

And what better place to start living your life than the Interwebs. You aren’t really a person until you can say you googled someone’s twitter and binged into their myspace and yahoo!ed their facebook. Take some time to browse your peers profile’s before tweaking your own. This should give you some basic idea of how to personalize your page so you can show how your interests are unique and different… just like everyone else. A convenient feature on FaceBook to help make sure you’re putting down the right favorite movies and books and music is by making each entry into a link, taking you to see if there are fan pages and groups for it, so you can make sure your interests cast you in the proper trendy light.

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