This Is What We Get For Allowing Bad Teams To Stay Active [TeeCoZee’s Week 11 Roundup]
What in gods name happened to the NFL? This is supposed to be “professional” football, but yet, everyone keeps on treating a handful of teams like a bunch of inept imbeciles. Why is this, you may ask? Well, they all kind of play like shit. It’s simple: a team loses a few games, the fans decide that they don’t give two fucks, the economy slumps more, and then nobody shows up to football games, so therefore the teams continue to play bad, because if there’s no fans, there’s nobody to impress. Does this mean that Tampa Bay would win more games if they played to a sold out house full of adoring fans every week? No. But a full house will make the team money. When the team makes money, they can fire the current team, and hire a new one. So, actually, yes, the fans mean everything to a team. Just ask Dick Jauron. He would love to have a fan. Nevertheless, we have a lot of bad teams in the NFL this year. Week 11 was an example of what happens when bad teams play good ones. Actually there were 8 games with this scenario, and 1 game that was bad team vs worse team. So let’s run those over first…
Dallas 7 Washington 6
I feel bad for any fans in Dallas. The new stadium looks so damn appealing, and at 6-3, the team looks pretty appealing as well. However, yesterday would be a case of utter disappointment. Imagine paying 200 bucks to get a couple of decent seats to yesterdays game. Then add 40 for parking, 50 for food, and 100 for enough beer to get yourself through this fucking mess of a game. That could easily add up to $400, just to say that you saw one of the worst games ever played in the new Texas Stadium. Nothing happened in this game. Nothing short of some bleeding eyes. The abysmal Redskins dominated most of the game with two measly field goals. It would be easy to say that this was a defensive battle, but really, it was an awkward offensive clusterfuck. It’s hard to even make up some fun things to say about this game. It was boring enough watching the 20 second highlight reel. Dallas still leads the NFC East at 7-3, but man are they looking completely fucking awful. It’s not even December yet!
Jacksonville 18 Buffalo 15
So Buffalo fired head coach Dick Jauron. Good job. Now I can’t make any more double-entendres with his name. Good work, assholes. Way to fire the coach when it’s the team that needs to be fired. So some coordinator takes over, and what happens? Terrel Owens, that’s what. 9 catches for 197 and a touch are the best stats he has seen all season. And by that, I mean, take his stats from the last 9 games, add them up, and you might get yesterdays statline. I love seeing Buffalo twitch, but the team is still in a coma. And Jacksonville, well, I still don’t care about Jacksonville. They have a RB-WR tandem that have two last names, and I always get confused. Especially when Maurice Jones-Drew catches a pass. Or if Mike Sims-Walker runs a reverse route. Stop fucking with my head, guys! Pick one last name, and fucking stick with it! Either way, the Jags are looking purdy with that shiny new 3 game winning streak. But they’ll blow it in December, and bubble out of the playoffs.
Brett Favre 35 Seattle 9
Nobody even calls the Vikings the Vikings anymore. When Bret Favre retires, he will become their mascot. And it will look hilarious. I am not discrediting this team, because in all reality the Vikes are a REALLY good squad, but nobody can stop shutting the fuck up about Brett Favre. Over the weekend, I ended up having to watch a highlight reel of Brett Favre’s soundbites during last weeks game…3 times! On 2 different networks, no less. Brett Favre needs to get the fuck out of my face, or I just may start hating on the Vikings. Other example: when watching analysts mention this game vs The Seahawks, I was told that the only thing that happened was Brett Favre throwing 4 TDs. Well, whats new? But then, looking further into the stats, I saw that Seattle only rushed for 13 yards. Now THAT is noteworthy! Where in the hell is Chris Berman giving the Vikings D some props for a change? How come nobody ever mentions Jared Allen more than once per game? It’s media fuckups like this that make me wish that the Vikings will get hosed out of the Super Bowl. Because if they make it, I might have to ignore the game completely, just so I can get Brett Favre out of my face.
New Orleans 38 Tampa Bay 7
The Saints improve to 10-0 and the creamsicle day ended 2 weeks ago. Truth.
New England 31 New York Jets 14
Although Neon Deon said it 10 hours before I published this, I was saying this phrase all night, “I love me some Wes Welker!” There is no way to not like the guy! He is a dominant white receiver playing for a team of hated villains! What’s NOT to love? Although some circumstances would lead us to believe otherwise, the Patriots really aren’t fucking around this year. They are an extremely flawed team that plays with a lot of heart. Sure, this is all probably due to the fact that the franchise has enough money to continue paying for all of these great players, but if you look beyond that, you’ll find something more. 2 years ago, they got shunned out of their perfect season, the year after that they failed to make the playoffs, despite being 3 games ahead of San Diego, who made it with an 8-8 record. Through all of these trials and tribulations, everyone outside of New England still hated the Patriots. And they had a rocky start, yes, but they pulled up from that. And maybe they should have punted the ball last week, but people pay too much attention to the little mistakes that this team makes. The media keeps on looking for reasons to make NFL fans hate the Patriots. Despite all of this, they are still winning games with the finesse of a team on the up-and-up. Wait a minute, what’s going on here? Am I…still rooting for the Patriots? Oh god, no. This can’t be fucking happening! Why am I showing so much sympathy, I fucking hated this team since 98! I need air. I need air badly.
Kansas City 27 Pittsburgher 24 [OT]
At least some things can remain constant in the universe: I still hate the Steelers, and am somewhat giddy about their loss yesterday. The shit-stricken Chiefs fought hard yesterday, only to prove absolutely nothing. Chris Chambers pulls off 119 yards, and I continue to bang my head against the wall, wishing he was still a Charger. Some things will never change. If a dynasty comes out of this man, I will lose all faith in the NFL. Sand Diego needs to stop dropping off their mild properties. I’m shocked that L.T. hasn’t been traded already. “Fuck it, lets trade the kicker.” “Why?” “I don’t know, I’m just some dude that owns a dominant football team!” [laughtrack] So the game went into overtime, which is a place no Steeler wants to go. Worst nightmares occured when Ben Roethlisberger received an injury that was “concussion oriented”. So what now? Do they bring in Tommy Maddox? Nope. Niel O’Dennel? Nope. Slash? Nope. Fuck, well who else threw ball for the Steelers?
That’s right, bitches. CHARLIE FUCKING BATCH! For those of you who are ill-informed, Charlie Batch was drafted by The Lions in 1998, and was sure to be the next big phenom in the NFL. He did decentish in the first year and hit rock bottom in the 2nd. We all thought he vanished off the face of the earth, until he showed up last August in clever disguise at the latest Baseball For Dinner Garage Sale. However yesterday, instead of haggling the price of a Casio or a pair of shoes, he was determined to win a game for the millions of Steelers fans across the globe. And of course…he choked. This is what happens when you let bad teams play good ones. People get things that are concussion oriented and the TV starts bleeding when Charlie Batch has to play football again.
Arizona 21 Los Angeles Rams 13
Sometimes I like to pretend that the Rams are still in LA. It makes watching them more interesting. While nothing goes on throughout the game, I still look hard to try to find celebrities in the crowd. It never works, because nobody goes to St. Louis. However yesterday, the Cards went to St. Louis, and it was, well, fucking miserable. For some half ass reason, NFL Redzone decided to show almost this entire game. The other 3 games going on took a step aside to showcase this 3 hour barrel of shit. While watching, I thought about how great it would be to die. After Kurt Warner got hurt, and Matt Leinart took over for the Cards, I was convinced that my eyes would start bleeding. Watching this game inflicted actual physical pain. My knees ached, my eyes bulged, and knuckles cramped, hell this game even made my balls feel sore. It was like a combination of Videodrome, and really really fucking bad football. I can’t even think about it, the pain is too great. I vow to never watch a Rams game again. Ever. The same goes for the Cardinals, but unless Kurt Warner stays hurt like he should, they’re going to sneak into the playoffs. Fuck living.
Oakland 20 Cincinati 17
This is another example of what happens when good teams decide to fuck with teams with nothing to win/lose. The team gets underestimated, a lot of mistakes are made, and the bad team wins at the last minute. It makes me sick every time I see it. Actually, no, that’s not true. This game was actually half-way entertaining. Bernard Scott, the backup for Cedric Benson, had a hell of a game going well over 100 yards rushing. The “dude who isn’t JaMarcus Russel” was impressive with 183 yards and 2 TDs. The game stayed close most of the time, last minute finish, all in all, an actual decent game. Hmm…maybe I should watch the Raiders more often.
Or maybe not.
Detroit 38 Cleveland 37
We are now done talking about bad teams playing good teams. These two are equal in fucked-upedness. I did a lot of trials to prepare for watching this game, which was guaranteed to be less fun than a shit throwing competition. But nothing prepared me for watch actually happened that fateful day on Ford Field. It ended up being one of the most epic games I have ever seen. Early on in the 1st quarter, Brady Quinn led the Browns to score 24 points quicker than you could smoke a cigarette. [point in case: we went outside to have a smoke, and the score was 10-3. When we got back, it was 24-3] The Detroit defense woke up, slightly, as did Matt Stafford, who went on to have what will probably be the game of his life. In the 3rd quarter, a sick ass TD from Kevin Smith and an even sicker 75 yard pass to Calvin Johnson (who had 161 on the day…the TO effect also in play here), the Lions got the game balls close. They took the lead in the 4th quarter, only to have Matt Stafford perform an intentional grounding call in the opposing endzone (not nearly as bad as running out of the endzone, but it’s still a fucking safety), and an ensuing TD by Jamal Lewis. The Lions looked just about fucked, being down by 6 with 10 ticks left on the clock. There was no way they could possibly pull it off. Stafford takes the snap from the shotgun, and he scrambles, and scrambles, and time runs out. He heaves the ball 40 yards into the endzone and it’s…picked off?!?!!? Oh wait no, there’s flags! Flags! What the fuck? They can’t end a game on a pass interference, can they?!!? Nope. So now the lions are at the 1 yard line with 0:00 on the clock, and oh shit, Stafford got hurt on the last play. No, no no, no, no, they’re bringing out Cullpepper. He’s going to fuck everything up! Wait, Cleveland called a timeout. What, are they trying to ice him or something? The dude hasn’t even thrown any warm-up passes, and we’re expecting him to win the game for us. And then, out of the mist (imaginary mist), Matt Stafford staggers back onto the field, and in my mind he was saying “No, fuck that! I am not letting you do this, Daunte!”. He takes the snap, we all have only one eye open, he throws it, a fucking dead-on shot to Pettigrew, and he…actually catches it?!?!?!? THE LIONS WIN? THE LIONS WIN! Holy hell!!! As sad as it seems, this was by far the best game to ever take place on Ford Field. Here we had two teams with absolutely nothing to gain. Although nobody was actually watching (it was broadcast in a very small portion of the Cleeveland area, and West Michigan. The rest of the state was blacked out, and in the first half, it seemed likely that there were more browns fans in attendance than Lions fans), both teams gave their all and shocked & excited the hundreds that actually watched it from beginning to end. When it was all said and done, Matt Stafford had thrown for 422 yards and 5 touchdowns, which is the rookie single-game record in the NFL. Even if we don’t win another game this season, which they probably won’t, we can still look back at this game and salivate. Mmm…
Green Bay 30 San Francisco 24
Man oh man do the Niners make me sad. They had a really promising start, but they have seemed to just get worse and worse every week. It can be noted however that Michael Crabtree FINALLY scored a TD. The Packers looked really good, as Aaron Rogers kept trying to make fans forget about that “other Green Bay Favre” by throwing for 344 and 2 TD. Greg Jennings is still a total beast, and the stats show. Look that shit up. At this point, the Packers are looking as qualified as ever to squak in a Wild Card slot in the playoffs. If that’s the case, I would LOVE to see them upset Brett Favre and the other 50-something players that wear purple. If not, well, the franchise is looking promising, and Aaron Rogers continues to impress me.
Indianapolis 17 Baltimore 15
This game was close, but in the end, I was very happy to see the Ravens lose, as I am every time they lose. And guess what, people are starting to talk about the 10-0 Colts. But not me.
New York Football Giants 34 Atlanta 31 [OT]
Wait, two overtime games?!?!? Whoa! Like, fucking freaky! And the Burner Turner didn’t even play? Are the Falcons THAT decent? Yeah, maybe, but this game was all about the Giants. Eli Manning is a lot more noticeable than his brother. I want to hang out with the guy. I’m sure he’s extremely awkward, and would make a great wing man. He gets 384 with 3 TDs and a classy thumbs up on my part. You know, I really don’t mind seeing the Giants succeed. In somewhat related news, I saw Big Fan over the weekend, and it was quite good. I may post some comments about it sometime down the line, but when it comes out on VHS, it should be checked out. Good stuff.
San Diego Super Chargers 32 Denver Broncos in November/December 3
I really wish I had a lot of things to say about this game. I was really looking forward to this clash between bitter division rivals. However, what people don’t get is that the Denver Broncos are only a functional team in September and October. Any time later than that, they will crash and burn. They have started a 4 week losing streak, that might as well end up with them losing out the season. This game was boring with a capital ING. I really wish the Broncos would’ve put up a fight. It got exciting towards the end of the first half when Kyle Orton decided that his bum ankle was better than all of Chris Sims, but then he went on to do absolutely nothing. Oh well. At least my Bolts now have a stranglehold on the AFC West. Which is cool because I love seeing the Chargers in January. However, I am still skeptical, as I will be until we see a Drew Brees vs Phillip Rivers Super Bowl. [If it ever happens, it will happen this year]
Prime time games are boring me as of late. I am not sure why the Dolphins and Bears keep playing in prime-time slots. And for some reason, the fine people at Monday Night Football believe that pitting one franchise against the team that came out of them leaving town makes good football. It does not. Nobody wanted to see the Ravens and Browns last week, and nobody wants to watch the Titans and Texans. Massive truths.
Fuck You Dolphins [minus Ronnie Brown] 24 I don’t Care-o-lina 17
Philly Cheesesteaks 24 Meat Lovers Pizza Pies 20
That actually might’ve been a good game, if only the Rams-Cardinals showdown didn’t make me lose my will to continue watching TV.
I’ll be at the Lions game on Thursday, probably drunk, so I’m sure there will be a story or two for next week. Have a good Thanksgiving, and enjoy the game… if it isn’t blacked out.
All images “borrowed” from NFL.com, unless otherwise noted