How to handle customers AND WIN!
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The Customer. What is it? What does it do?
Everyone is a customer at least once in their life, even you.
Customers are not to be feared. Customers are the friends that you don’t choose. Like family members, in-laws, and midgets, you must accept your customers inherent flaws and celebrate their strengths.
One of the customers greatest strengths is money.
You may have run across money before, maybe you’ve even found a Canadian dime on the subway stairs, but customers often have money stored in banks and use credit cards.
Because customers have money, it is acceptable for them to be assholes.
Not all customers are assholes, but if you encounter one at the workplace, just follow these simple steps and you will get money. And everyone knows:
So go get those assholes! You can do it!
LESSON ONE: FIND YOUR SMILE!
Everyone has a perfect smile, they just need to discover it.
You too can discover your perfect smile with a mirror and these smile examples:
Stretch the corners of your mouth upwards with your teeth firmly closed. Expose those white, don’t be shy! Keep stretching your mouth corners until you feel the muscles become rigid. This is called locking it down. Once you’ve locked it down, widen your eyes until there is little to no eyelid showing. Then, imagine your eyes are bright fires bursting with energy. Keep brightening those fires!
The jackal, while effective for the homeless and Christopher Walken, should be used sparingly with customers as the jackal tends to both frighten and threaten them.
Harrison Ford. Say it with me. Harrison Ford.
Everyone likes Harrison Ford.
Except when he played a Russian in k-19: The Widowmaker.
“Harrison Ford as a Russian?” Everyone said. He even had an accent.
People like Harrison Ford because he is a master of the casanova, and because he’s an American and has money.
Still have that mirror handy? Stretch your lips so that only half of your mouth is smiling. Harrison Ford did this all the time in Star Wars. It helped him win the heart of Princess Leia. You can too!
Narrow the eyes, make them ask a silent sexy question.
The casanova should be used sparingly with customers, especially with the customer’s wives. If you do decide to use the casanova, take care that attractive customers do not become aroused. REMEMBER, The goal is not to make whoopie with the customer, the goal is to get the customers money.
Don’t make whoopie with customers unless they give you money.
The Tom Selleck
Mustaches aren’t just for dead presidents and hippies anymore. Young people have mustashes, certain women have mustaches. A mustache tells your customer, “I’m honest, full of vitality, and I spend my free time staining wood.”
Some people (women) can’t grow mustaches on their own. Don’t panic! There have been plenty of breakthroughs in alternative hair placement in the past ten years.
Women with mustaches often make customers feel uncomfortable, blurring the gender line in such a way that may cause unwanted and supressed feelings to emerge (homosexuality). Use this! A customer caught off guard will be more likely to spend money in order to get away from people or places that confuse them. Customers also do not want to appear prejudice, so they will tell their friends about the great service they got from mustachioed woman and that, in a strange way, her mustasch was sexy.
IN CONCLUSION: Customers find women with mustashes sexy.
WHAT WE LEARNED FROM LESSON ONE
– Money = Assholes
– Everyone likes Harrison Ford.
– Sex for money is ok!
– Women + Mustaches = sexy!
Found your perfect smile yet? Keep alternating through these three tried and true smile techniques until you find the best fit!
But customer satisfaction isn’t all about a winning smile. Sometimes, you may have to actually touch the customers. Don’t be afraid! Before you get out your hand sanitizer and rubber gloves, try these patent -pending handshakes that will leave the customer thinking:
“What a good handshake! That’s a handshake I can trust.”
LESSON TWO: TOUCHING IS YOUR FRIEND!
Nothing says “lets be friends” to a customer like touching them. Not all touching is productive, however. Do you know the difference between good touch and bad touch?
The following examples of “bad touch” should be avoided when coming into physical contact with a customer:
– High fives.
– Low fives.
– Pecks on the cheek.
– Indian burns.
– “Good Game” fanny slaps.
– Making Whoopie
– The “turn yout head and cough” place.
The most useful form of “good touch” is the handshake. Customers can tell a lot about you by your handshake; your courage, your criminal record, your “chi.”
Do you have good “chi?”
Is your handshake a charm on your sucess bracelet ($9.99 no COD’s)
Now that you’ve “found your smile,” its time to dig back into that ol’ swamp of a head of yours and wrestle out an alligator of a handshake!
Wrestle those alligators!
The Limp Noodle
Grab a friend for this exersice or, if you have none, purchase my trusty “Shake Master,” a 100% vinyl hand stand-in that will help you build that SUPERSTAR handshake.
Once you have your partner (real or 100% vinyl!) assume the “greeting position” (or set your shake-maker to firm)
Choose your smile before you atempt a handshake! There is nothing quiet as frightening as watching someone shuffle through smiles with their hand extended.
To achieve The Limp Noodle, imagine your hand is a piece of over-boiled pasta. Choose your favorite pasta! I personally imagine my hand is a “medium noodle.”
Once your shaking partner has gripped your hand make no movement. BE THE PASTA. Ask your partner if he feels any pressure (or check the “manly” gauge on your shake-master) to make sure you’ve reached:
The Limp Noodle .
If done correctly, “The Noodle” should leave your partner saying the handshake was like ”
“…Squeezing overboiled medium noodles between my fingers!”
Use The Limp Noodle with customers who are elderly, or with sickly children. Children are FRAGILE, but sometimes they have money. And remember:
IN CONCLUSION: Sickley children sometimes have assholes.
The Spawning Salmon
Some of you have probably seen a nature program with your VHS tape players. Some of you have even been in nature itself! Like, when your car broke down on the expressway last week and you slipped and fell into a pile of mud and mcdonalds cups. You were really falling into nature.
Nature can be cruel.
You can too!
Salmon know all about nature’s cruelty. A salmon’s life is hard. Salmon have no money so salmon have no assholes:
Also, salmon are fish. Fish are gross. They are much too wet!
Besides living their lives being gross and lacking assholes, salmon also have to fight to make whoopie. They have to return to their salmon home towns where they graduated high school and try to get Susie, who is looking real good after two years and three hundred eggs, to make whoopie with them even though they ditched Susie at fish prom for Cindy because all the boys called Cindy, “The Hoover”
Hoovers are vacuums that are famous for sucking.
Not only do all salmon have to apologize to Susie for being an asshole (a concept which they don’t fully understand) but they must swim upstream to do so. Often, there are bears waiting to snatch up these salmon as they leap against the tide for the sake of cheap fish-sex.
Bears are what you call members of Chicago’s professional football team.
Bears love salmon and money most of all.
Bears love assholes! (see equation: Money = Assholes)
This majestic and stupid quest of the salmon’s spawning ritual can be recreated with an awe-inspiring handshake called The Spawning Salmon.
Get your friend (or shake-master) to assume the “neutral” position. Then, extend your hand towards them but do not shake their hand! Instead, slide your open palm past theirs as if you were a slippery and horny fish. Next, slap their forearm repeatedly with enough force to cause a syncopated smacking noise which is strikingly similar to the noise you used to hear drifting from your parents room after bedtime. Your hand has now become the salmon’s tail thrashing in the jaws of a Chicago Bear’s defensive back.
Isn’t nature majestic?
The Spawning Salmon is best used with customers who are Bears or stoned enough to fully participate.
IN CONCLUSION: Bears love assholes!
The Iron Maiden
Have you ever shaken the hand of a famous celebrity, like “President Barak Obama” or “The State Puff Marshmallow Man?” If you have, you probably couldn’t help but notice the iron-like grip they used to try and break all the little bones in your palm. This war grip is called The Iron Maiden.
Is your friend still with you? If so, you should ask yourself what kind of person agrees to help their friend practice handhakes all day (a NERD).
If your friend is, in fact, a NERD, then they are the perfect prey for The Iron Maiden.
Shift back to the neutral position. Next, choose your most welcoming smile (see Lesson One) and extend your hand. When you’ve wrapped your fingers firmly around your friend’s palm, its time to spring the trap! Squeeze until you feel your friend’s hand change shape and become soft and malable.
Once your friend has passed out because his hand has become soft and malable, circle around and kick them in their assholes (stupid NERDS!) If your friend dosen’t have an asshole, then they are a salmon. If you happen to be from Chicago, you must then eat your friend.
The Iron Maiden is best used to get revenge on NERDS for having bigger paychecks by using good old fashioned violence. Sometimes, NERDS are even carrying around money ( = assholes) which you can steal and use to buy my shake-master.
IN CONCLUSION: You can steal Nerd’s assholes with violence.
There you have it folks! Once you “find your smile” and master all three of these handshakes, it won’t matter what you actually say to the customers. You’ll win them from the start! They will worship you and want to pay you money to make whoopie with their assholes. Guarenteed!
Do you have a perfect smile suggestion? Maybe you’ve developed a world class handshake? Or, maybe you just have a super fun customer service sucess story. TELL US! If you suggestion is used in my next post you could win a shake-master ABSOLUTLY FREE!
(sorry no COD’s)