Your November Hori-Scope
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Greetings, my brothers and sisters of the Zodiac.
During a recent spiritual quest that I embarked upon in the dew rich beach grasses of the Lake Michigan Shoreline, I was presented with a psychic suppository of great length and girth, giving me the knowledge and wisdom of the god(s) to guide you, our faithful baseball-for-dinnerites, in the coming month of November.
As an Ares, you tend to project a sense of strength, caring, and independence towards others while hiding your latent insecurities. During November, you should continue this trend. When a street dweller approaches you begging for change, pretend to oblige him by reaching for your wallet then, while he’s distracted by visions of nickels and dimes, pull out your trusty blackjack, whack him upside the head, and steal his coffee can full of change and his coat. Sell his coat to a local vintage shop and use this revenue and your ill-gotten coinage to drink yourself into a state of proper despair at the local speak-easy. Rinse and Repeat.
Being a Taurus, you have a pre-disposition to be stubborn and single minded. Rather then viewing this trait as a weakness, utilize it for power and prestige. Steer every conversation at the first opportunity towards a pointless argument about a topic your opponent is sure to know nothing about, such as the historical geography of Africa or microbiology (bonus points for both!) People will pretend to resent you for this behavior, but will secretly admire your prowess for debate and knowledge of the obscure. Friends and fortune will quickly follow!
Like all Gemini’s, you have a secret evil twin brother roaming the countryside plotting your destruction. Defeat him/her in hand-to-hand combat and consume their liver for success in November.
Your spirit animal is a Crab and your Zodiac symbol is “69.” Therefore, you are an expert at third base and are best when boiled and served with a light butter sauce.
You have a powerful sense of adventure and pride and spend your free time chasing down and eating impala. During the month of November, give in to your wanderlust and take a backpacking trip through Europe. However, when finding yourself in a sea of hostels and gift shops, beware a bearded Greek man with legendary strength that appears to be on a quest because despite what he tells you about being able to score mushrooms, he only real desire is to skin you and wear your fur.
Your wife is cheating on you with Bill from accounting. Kick his ass.
You should have been born in the 70’s, but if you weren’t, never fear! Simply follow these simple steps:
1. Move to San Francisco.
2. Find a field. Dance around in it naked.
3. Become disillusioned. Get a job.
4. Bitch about Republicans. Join the green party.
5. Buy a Volvo. Drive it slowly in mass traffic.
AND THE REST!
If your horiscope was not included in this segment, and you’d like cosmic guidance on your career, love life and pets, send $50 in small bills to:
Apt #2 above CASH 4 GOLD PWN SHOP
555 Atlantic City, N.J.