The Unmistakable Art of Stealing Awkward Glances

Do you ever get bored while inside a big group of people? Of course you do! This is because 90% of our lives are comprised of boredom management. So what do you do when faced with a boring situation? Some people twiddle thumbs, or others pretend to get a text message or a phone call from an invisible friend (or invisible lover), but if someone notices what is going on, your jig is up. So I know you’re asking “Cozy, what the hell can I do to entertain myself while keeping others in their place?”. Well, son, I have one word for you: stealackwardglances!

You may notice that people do this to you all the time. You are walking down the side walk or in a dark alleyway, and you notice someone walking in the opposite direction. They look at you, and you look down at your feet, and all of a sudden you are shamed. This has become a common problem in today’s society. Nobody wants to get caught looking. But then what do you do? You stare back, of course. You make it be known that you are the person that is dominant in the passing by. There are many steps to implement a perfect stolen awkward glance:

A) Look the person right in the eye. Let he or she know that they are the person being looked at, and not the other way around.

B) Keep at it! If this is done correctly, the other person will look down at the ground. Perhaps to look out for broken glass, or compare shoes.

C) Maintain the stare. When they look up, they will know that they have lost, and will move on with their day in a different light.

D) Don’t look back. This lets the person know that they are insignificant and not worthy of being a walker.

If you completed all of these steps, congratulations! You have successfully stolen an awkward glance! However, intent is 2/3 of the law, so when you stare, there needs to be a purpose. Over the years, I have developed numerous techniques to effectively convey a message:

The “Do I know You?”

This is one of the most common techniques to use. While staring at an individual, try to maintain a face of casual confusion or mild contemplation. At some point, open your mouth slightly and put your right index finger in the pointing position. This signifies that there is something that you can’t put your finger on, and with the right gaze, it can come across that you think that you know this person. There is also a variation of this technique:

The “Why The Fuck Don’t You Recognize Me?”

The same steps from technique one needs to be implemented, but at a faster rate. This is key, or else you will just end up looking like an asshole. However, try to express less confusion and more confidence that you know this person. Then, when you get a blank stare, raise your shoulders, bend your elbows so your arms go outward, and give the person a confusingly angry shake of a head. This will make the person feel ultimately guilty for not recognizing you.

The “There’s Something On Your Face”

Everyone has shit on their face. At all times, there is a particle of something on your face that shouldn’t be there. It is key to point that fact out to everyone that passes you by. This can be done by a simple facial gesture, like wiping a nose or picking at a tooth. Make sure to lower your eyebrows if appropriate. If it is done in a way that nonverbally communicates that it is the passerby that has the problem and not you, then you succeed. This will cause your victim to spend the rest of the day trying to find the facial imperfection. Get creative here, folks! This one is very open-ended.

The Angry Ex-Boyfriend

This is a technique that should be used sparingly and in the right situation. Booze usually helps build confidence to pull this one off. When you see a couple either kissing or holding hands, give a good look to the boyfriend. Make it be known that he is fucking with “your bitch”. This will make him feel guilty or less secure with his relationship and himself. This trick also works if you are a female. This will cause the boyfriend to wonder about the sexual history of his girlfriend, and will usually end in an awkward conversation on their part. However, you have to be willing to tussle for the girlfriend, in case the man gets defensive. Have a good escape route or a better explanation, or else you may find yourself fighting over a girl you don’t know and probably don’t want to.

The “I’m Glad You Exist In This World”

Out of all the way you can manipulate strangers with glances, this is one of the few that is actually done for good. Use the typical stare down technique, but when the person looks up from the ground, there better be a huge shit eating grin on your face. Maybe even give them a thumbs-up.This will make the person feel welcome to be walking on the sidewalk. You might even get a smile back. Regardless of what the outcome is, it will brighten at least one day.

And of course, my favorite:

The Original Awkward

This is one of the most lenient techniques to use. When the person looks up from the ground, just give off whatever face comes to mind. No matter what it is, it is bound to make the other person feel amused or uncomfortable. You can even change expressions mid-stare, by having one at initial sight and another when the look-up occurs. I find this one to be best when you are not sure how to read the person. Just have fun with it!

I think we have all learned a thing or two here, right? Next time you’re out in public, don’t become an instrument of boredom. Spice up your day with stealing awkward glances from strangers! But remember, don’t ever let your guard down. Because you could also be the victim of a glancer. Let it be known that you are the one that is giving the glance, and that he or she is inferior.

This is TeeCoZee reporting with News You Can Use!