The AFC Will Eat Your Babies [TeeCoZee’s Week 7 Roundup]

Help! My baby is being eaten!

You better not be putting fat free mayo on my baby!

If only there were more things to say about week 7. Then this would be longer. But it’s already going to be long enough. I hardly spent any amount of time yesterday on the edge of my seat. As a matter of fact, I was as far back as I could be. There were a few occasions when I would lean forward, thinking about what the edge of my seat feels like, but each time I declined to do the deed. This week was all about putting one foot in an ass and having the person that owns the ass cry like someone who just got a foot in their ass. With the exception of one game. The one game that Trent Dilfer is going to mawing his boring face off about for the rest of the season:

Pittsburgh 27 Minnesota 17

And it really wasn’t that close of a final score. Whoops. I felt extremely conflicted throughout the duration of this game. The whole time I was sitting there, I couldn’t help but think the dreadful reality that this could be the Super Bowl matchup this year. The Steelers, of whom I have mentioned before I am sick and tired of, doesn’t seem to be showing any signs of weakness. Well, that is, except for the fact that their offense runs on a menstrual cycle. And what can I really say about the Vikings, who have been Super Bowl bound for no reason since before the season even started.  I’m glad Brett Favre finally has someone to throw to again, but the teams attitude in general really gets on my nerves. In fact, everything about this game really got on my nerves. However, it was fun to watch the Vikes struggle in the red zone, so now I know that San Diego isn’t the only team with this problem. This was a very defensive game. And of course, Mr. Favre got the opportunity at the end to pull off yet ANOTHER miracle (totally fixed), he throws a pick…and he takes it…all…the way…back… (not fixed). So the Vikings finally lose a game. They should’ve lost a lot more. but that’s life. AFC 1 NFC:0. But try telling that to Mike Singletary…

San Francisco 21 Houston 24

This game was pretty much over at the start. But then it started up again. But then it ended. Again. After finishing the half down 21-0, I was pretty sure that 49ers coach, Mike Singletary, was going to do another striptease to get the team back on track. To my surprise, he came back after the half fully clothed, and to everyone else’s surprise, he came back with a new-old quarterback. That man was Alex Smith. And he gave the Texans a rally from hell. After scoring 3 touchdowns to Tight End Vernon Davis (who I am pretty sure is a demon: 7/93 for 3) the 9ers got the game within 3. And then Alex Smith did what he spent all of last year doing.  He choked. I cried. Mike looked scorned. AFC: 2 NFC:0

Green Bay 31 Cleveland 3

This game had nothing going for it. It was the Packers eating a quiet dinner at home while getting ready for the next game against Minnesota. Aaron Rogers did okay, I guess. 15/20 for 246 yards and 3 touches. But still. Meh. Ryan Grant rushed for a buck fitty. Meh. The Browns fans booed a lot. Still bored. So much for AFC domination. Cleveland doesn’t have a football team. AFC: 2 NFC: 1

Cincinnati 45 Chicago 10

This pretty much sums it up.

This pretty much sums it up.

Now this is what I like to see. A good revenge story. The Bears draft Cedric Benson. The Bears fail to give him a chance. The Bears drop Cedric. Cedric gets pissed. Cedric kills the Bears. 37 carries for 189 yards and a touch. Oh, and the Bengals played well, too. Chad Huitcinq found his way to the end zone twice, Carson Palmer lead the way 5 times, Jay Cutler got picked off 3 times, and cried after 2 of them. Ouch. I am marking out hard for the Bengals this year. Anything less than 1 playoff win will be regarded as a massive failure. This could happen for this team of misfits. Or they could just blow it all in December. We’ll see. AFC: 3 NFC: 1

New Orleans 46 Miami 34

Oh wait! Here comes another revenge story! Former Saint and former weed smoker (former?) Ricky Williams scores 2 touchdowns in the first quarter against the undefeated militia of doom that used to house him. But then, he sputters. And scores another touchdown. And sputters some more. And I grow sadder inside. The first half was all about Miami, and this was sure to be the upset of the week, or even season. But then…well…the Saints happened. They scored 24 unanswered points in the 4th quarter. This happens way too often. It’s kind of sad when an offense is better off in the wildcat formation (something that a LOT of teams implemented this week) and even sadder when Chad Henne goes 18/36 with 2 interceptions, both resulting in touchdowns. I see a lot of potential in this Dolphins team, but they need to mesh somehow. Maybe Chad Henne needs more time. But hopefully that happens soon, before that “other Chad” gets better and decides he wants his old job back. Or maybe, just maybe, the wildcat offense just doesn’t win games. That’s something I’m not willing to accept yet. Give me a few more weeks. AFC: 3 NFC: 2 And the race is on! Or is it?

New England 35 Tampa Bay 7

No. The race is over. The AFC reigns supreme, even in England. So the Patriots traveled to Wembley Stadium to show England why “newer is better”. (terrible pun. fucking awful.) But no, really, this game was incredibly boring. I don’t know who in the fuck chose this mis-matchup to represent the NFL overseas. There was one little anecdote about the game that I found amusing. In the first half, the Bucs are midfield and it’s 4th and 1. Natrually, they bring out the punting unit, and the crowd starts booing. And I kid you not, the broadcaster says “Well, this is rather unusual to see the Bucs getting booed here, because they are the home team”. Allow me to dissect:

1) They are getting booed because they wanted to see them go for it.

2) They are also booing because the “home team” is getting demolished.

3) What the fuck does home field advantage have to do with it??!?!? Okay sure, there needs to be a home team and an away team, just like the super bowl, but they are both FAR away from home. It’s not like Bucs fans got a discount on tickets, because it’s a “home game”. It’s not like there is a whole clan of Bucs fans in England that bought a majority of the tickets. this audience is NEUTRAL. In fact, no, they aren’t neutral. Who in the fuck likes Tampa Bay!?!? OF COURSE they’re going to root for New England! They win games! They have England in their name! They fully represent America in an American sport! Why in the fuck are the Buccaneers the “home team” here? BUGH!

Also, whoever operates the cameras for the London games don’t know how to stay steady. Year after year, the games at Wembley look like an homage to Cloverfield. Don’t they have support rigs in the UK? What the fuck ever. AFC: 4 NFC: 2

Indianapolis 42 St. Louis 6

So…Indy is still undefeated. That’s kind of funny. They have yet to lose a game, but yet, nobody is talking about them. Literally no buzz at all for this team. So I was eating a sandwich during this game. It had 2 Boca Chicken Patties on it with a slice of Muenster Cheese. In between the patties were freshly chopped onions, and then I covered the son of a bitch with Sweet Baby Ray’s Buffalo Sauce and slapped two pieces of Aunt Millies Butter Top Wheat Bread on both sides. Fucking fantastic! A little messy. AFC: 5 NFC: 2

Buffalo 20 Carolina 9

Yeah, this game was okay, but not really. It really was one of those days. Jake Delhomme is just screaming to get benched, as he has for the past year now. Unfortunately, Carolina cannot afford to pay for a backup QB, so I guess he’s stuck. I’m really happy that I benched Freddy Jackson on my fantasy squad, as the asshole who has been doing nothing but good all season rushes for a total of 2 yards. Man oh man I am glad I took the gamble on Cedric Benson. TO caught a pass. He repeated that action 3 times. Good for him. Lee Evans is finally convinced that it’s 2003 again, which excites me somewhat. The Bills still disappoint me to the max. But that’s life. AFC: 6 NFC: 2 [Final]

New York Futbol Jets 38 Oakland Raiders -2

Somewhere out there, someone is crying for JaMarcus Russel. That man is JaMarcus Russel. But not the JaMarcus Russel that got benched ysterday to the sheer joy of Raiders fans around the world. This is a different JaMarcus Russel. He is a man that has been ridiculed for the past year, because he is unfortunate enough to have the same name as the ill-fated leader of the Raiders. And he is angry inside. But happy that the nightmare is over. Or is it? After making the long-anticipated switch in Quarterbacks, the Raiders still failed to do anything. Anything at all. But at least no more picks were thrown. And at least the media can stop flaming on Marc Sanchez, as he galloped all over this anemic squad. Sun rises, then sun sets. Rinse, lather repeat, and stay on the fucking bench.

San Diego Super Chargers 37 Kansas City 7

Vincent Jackson is my hero. That’s all I have to say. And the Chargers looked good yesterday, but Deion Sanders is right. This isn’t the team we loved 2 years ago. The Chargers are going through a strange identity crisis. They can’t seem to do anything in the red zone. It makes me want to crawl out of my skin every time I see them inside the 10 yard line. They NEVER make it in. And it’s a fucking shame. They tried 4 times in a row to get LT in the endzone. After those 4 fails, they were all out of downs. Whoops. Way to be ballsy for no reason, Norv. This is really hard for me, folks. As much as I love the Chargers, I just fucking hate the squad this year. They just don’t have the right chemistry. Sure, they won by a landslide, but the Chiefs are a joke! They pretty much have to win lout the rest of the season to even have a shot with taking over the division, which is being upheld by an undefeated team of wailing babies and miracles. It’s just a sad thought. But who knows, maybe Kyle Orton can start playing like Kyle Orton and the Broncos can finish 7-9, with the Bolts winning the division yet again at 8-8 and make a serious playoff run. And the team might also move to LA. And this might get read. And Santa Claus is real.

I didn’t watch last nights game between the Giants and Kurt Warner, but apparently, Kurt Warner won. Great job.

And I will no recap the monday night game because

a. It’s monday afternoon

and b. It will suck.