About Week 6…[TeeCoZee’s NFL Roundup From Hell!!!]

As we spiral down near mid-season, there are two things that I know:

1) The season is almost halfway over, or a little more than a third over.

2) Free taco bars are much better than regular taco bars.

Since I know nothing else, I am going to pretend that I know a thing or two about football and overview that games of last week. Before I start, there has been one thing that I have noticed in the past couple of weeks: this league is plagued with mediocre teams. No longer can the lions be called the worst team in the NFL, because there are so many abominations out there that aren’t even trying to win a game. On top of that, we have the teams that were supposed to be good coming into this season that crapped their pants at some point and has never recovered, or changed said pants. I am finding it increasingly difficult to find a good team to root for, because everyone is 3-2. Everyone is blowing the games they shouldn’t blow. And one day, a rookie can be the talk of the town and one week & 5 interceptions later, the lynch mob is ready to hunt his Californian ass. It won’t be until week 9 or 10 when head coaches start either dropping off the team 0r dropping their pants, so expect low bars to be set for the upcoming weeks. With that said, away we go!

Denver 34  San Diego 23

Phillip Rivers doesn’t believe in miracles. He thinks that they are for sissies and cripples. Phillip thinks he is neither of those. Because of this, the Chargers will never make a 4th quarter comeback, like the NFL wants every team to do. In effect, they will lose more games. And my heart will be broken every time.  But I have to admit, they looked good in the first half. And by good, I mean, good enough to beat The Broncos, whose 5-0 record felt a little unwarranted. I was comfortable eating my over sized platter of cheese fries and watching Vincent Jackson trying to make the world realize that he exists.  Near halftime, I was offered a free trip to the bar to get trashed and I took it, and everything else took a turn for the worsish. As I progressively got more and more buzzed, the offense seemed to slow down considerably. They ended the game being 2-11 on third downs, and their red zone offense is still as abysmal as ever. It’s a painful thing to see such an explosive offense struggle to actually score points. By the end of the game, I was yelling hard at the TV through a window and across a room of crowded people. After their last failed attempt to punch it into the end zone, their chances of pulling off a miracle was about as slim as me getting laid that night. [p.s. neither happened, as you can tell by the score and the time of day that I am writing this] But hey, not all was lost. LaDanian Tomlinson finally woke up from his stupor and rushed for an average above 3.5 (which is better, but still not good) and I got drunk for free.

Kansas City 14 Washington 6

Nobody will ever remember this game. That is, nobody except Todd Haley and Jim Zorn. For Todd Haley, last Sunday will be known as the day that he officially became an NFL Head Coach, getting a winless team to actually win a game. For Jim Zorn, it marked the middle of the end of his head coaching career. It was announced after the game that The Redskins will bring in another “play caller” to call all the plays, while Jim Zorn focuses more on getting Gatorade and making his team not hate him. You know that nothing happened in a game when all the post-game talk is about a front-office transaction. I remember looking at the score in the right-hand corner of the screen, stuffing my face in a taco (that was free) and thinking to myself “Man, I am glad I am not watching that game!” Instead, I was watching:

Green Bay 26 Detroit 0

…which wasn’t much better. I have to admit, I missed the games last week. I was busy being stuffed in a car all day, stuffing my face with hoagies. All I knew was that The Lions almost beat Pittsburgh, and if that isn’t a good sign, I don’t know what is. So when a customer approached me earlier in the day on Sunday, I exuberantly asked “So, are we going to take down Green Bay today?” He scoffed at me while adjusting his dirty Lions cap. Little did I know the sad truth that Culpepper was starting and Matt Stafford had nothing better to do than be hurt and smile his ass off. During the massacre, I found numerous shots of Stafford on the sideline, just grinning his ass off and giving the occasional shoulder shrug. But I can see where he’s coming from. He was in a position that nobody could blame him for a complete failure, and for a rookie that’s on the verge of failure, that’s a good place to be. If I were him, I would stay there as long as possible. But oh no, Culpepper got hurt too! Or at least…he claimed to be hurt? There was one play in which he seemed absolutely fine, he doesn’t find any receivers and starts rushing. As he approaches the sideline, his sprint turns into a casual stroll, and although he could’ve made it much closer to the first down (there was about 7-8 yards of free space ahead of him) he decides to walk to the sideline and let the punting team do the work. As the play is over, in order to compensate for all the people out their spitting out free tacos in disgust, he starts a little limp action. Scientifically, this means that he is hurt and cannot play. And when Drew Stanton comes to save the day…the day is already over, and he throws a pick. The end.

Houston 28 Cincinnati 17

I have to admit, the outcome of this game made me a little sad inside. This game was another case of teams on the verge of doing some great or greatly stupid. About 80% of the league is on this verge as we speak. But the Bengals were one of those teams that I have always wanted to love. I know, they had some problems last year. They didn’t get along at all and hardly won any games because of it. But what people didn’t realize was that they were an actual team. A team with weapons, and now, a team with something to play for. So for the past few weeks, I have been marking out hardcore for Cincinnati, as Chad Ochocinco started to prove himself worthy and Cedric Benson becomes something more than any other typical running back that gets kicked out of Chicago. However, this week, shit just didn’t seem to work out. Mainly because they were playing a team that has also been severely under looked and contains a lot of weapons that will explode when combined properly. Matt Shaub, an underdog that even I can’t root for, ended up throwing 28/40 for 392 yards and 4 touches. Now those are numbers. Those are Drew Brees numbers. Wait, how did Drew Brees do this week anyway?

New Orleans 48 New York Giants 27

He dominated. Like he always does. And don’t let the score fool you, this game wasn’t close in the least bit. The Saint’s offense prove once again that they are the equivalent to the nuclear bomb, and their defense showed Eli Manning what it takes to be a man…something Archie probably never did [although I can think of some funny scenarios involving Eli, Archie, a belt, and Peyton laughing his ass off with sore arms] [on a side note: I’m sorry, even though the dude won a super bowl, I still have to regard Eli Manning as the fuckup of the family. I think it’s just instinct. I automatically root against him after the fiasco that happened in the 2004 draft. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google search “Stupid crying baby piece of shit thinks he is too good to play in San Diego”] It appears at this point that New Orleans is unstoppable, which is something that I felt about them last year, but never actually panned out. Mind you, they still have a decently rough schedule ahead of them, with 2 bouts against Atlanta, a tussle with Dallas, and a hootenanny with New England. However, on the other side, 3/4 of those games are at home, and the NFC South is the abortion that the NFL had but couldn’t get rid of.In speaking of not being able to get rid of things…

Pittsburgh 27 Cleveland 14

I really wish the Steelers would just go away for a while. I am sick of them being the new dynasty. In fact, I didn’t even watch the Super Bowl last year because I was sick of watching the Steelers. Ben Roethlisberger reminds everyone yet again that he has two championship rings with his fancy-shmancy 23/35 for 417 Yards. It really just makes me wish that they would keep on losing, and the AFC could go on with their lives. And the Browns…well, they’re just a sad state of affairs. Derek Anderson keeps his job, and still only throws 9/24 for 122 inches. Their pillaging of Braylon Edwards was a big mistake, but a mistake that I support, because he is now in a better place…

Buffalo 16 New York Jets 13

Wait, maybe he isn’t in a better place after all. Here’s two more teams on the verge of fuck-upitude. And this is the result of when they play against eachother: a rather boring and unmemorable game. Which is a damn shame, because I like both of these teams. I wouldn’t invite them to meet my parents, but I like them. And now, after two major downfalls in a row, everyone in New York wants the blood of Marc Sanchez. How dare he try to fool New Yorkers into thinking that he was the next franchise quarterback and then falling over and crying after throwing a couple or half bakers dozen of picks? I haven’t seen such nerve come out of a rookie since the time Keyshawn Johnson wrote a book about people not giving him the damn ball. He’s been playing in the NFL for 6 fucking weeks for crying out loud! He should be strong, developed, accurate and know his team like they were his family! Shame on Marc Sanchez, he does not deserve to wear an NFL uniform. We all expected greatness, and although he is the best rookie the NFL has right now, he still disappoints us week after week! Bugh! Let’s get Chad Pennington back in town! Wait, fuck that, who was that other dude that played for us last year? Brent Flav?

Minnesota 33 Baltimore 31

Oh wait, he’s playing for those purple dudes now. And they’re undefeated somehow. Wait, what? The Vikes? Still undefeated? And the Ravens put up a fight? An offensive fight? With an amazing 4th quarter comeback? And then Favre throws a clusterfuck bomb 80 yards downfield, and not only does the receiver make the catch, but pass interference is also called? Did that actually happen? Is Jared Allen the biggest pompous asshole on the planet? And the Ravens actually played in a game that was interesting to watch? The Ravens? Interesting? [Deep breath] Well, at least the Ravens slump down to 3-3, and we might be able to have a snooze-free postseason. Unless these fuckers make it in:

Arizona 27 Seattle 3

I really wish NFL Redzone didn’t play as much of this game as they did. Unfortunately there were only 4 4PM games, and the other ones…well…we’ll get to those…To boil everything down, Arizona is back on track and my headache grows larger and larger. Kurt Warner puts on a half-chubby performance and he still has more hair and finesse than Matt Hasselbeck. The Cardinals move up to 3-2, just inching behind San Fransisco, who is becoming my guilty pleasure of the season. In speaking of dog fights…

Oakland 13 Philadelphia 9

Michael Vick lost his steam and ran for -4 yards, which isn’t bad for a quarterback, but he didn’t play as a quarterback this time. Whoops. And once again, The Raiders prove that they could be something more than nothing if they were a different team in a different place. All in all, this game made me want to ram my head through a Plexiglas window covered in fire. But not as badly as I did during…

Jacksonville 23 St. Louis 20 (OT)

I was truly convinced that this game was going to end in a tie. You take two lackluster teams, add in some good rushing numbers, throw them into overtime, and it’s like 2 fat guys at a purgatory buffet. It’s a buffet, but whether or not there is food is indeterminate. Because it’s purgatory. And apparently that’s what happens there. The Rams stay winless, as they should for the rest of the season.As with one other team:

Carolina 28 Tampa Bay 21

Some teams should never have been conceived. Tampa Bay is one of them. Besides playing in one of the most boring Super Bowls in history, the team has gone nowhere slowly. It should be noted that Carolina is also one of those teams, except their quarterback is supposed to be good, but he isn’t and nothing is really what it seems in the NFC south. Everyone keeps on giving props to the Panthers offense for the last scoring drive to win the game, but they never fail to recognize that Jake Delhomme had almost nothing to do with said drive. In fact, on the day he went 9/17 for 65 yards. Which makes me wonder how they got 28 points. Oh wait, they had two rushers that went over 100 yards. Now THATS how you run a team!

Atlanta 21 Chicago 14

I have to admit, I didn’t watch any part of this game, nor did I see any highlights or hear any analysis. Alls that I knows is that I needed Matt Forte and Roddy White to have good games, and according to Rob’s shitty blackberry web browser and the final score of my fantasy game, they did. From what I can see, Jay Cutler grew a second chin and threw an equal amount of touches and picks, so yeah, that seems like a typical Sunday night.

Oh yeah, and one last thing…

New England 59 Tennessee 0

These are the kind of games that you dream about when you’re a kid. When your favorite team takes their opponents and turns them completely inside out…in the middle of a fucking snow storm! If you never had this dream, you have no soul. And I have to admit, I have hated New England for a long, long, long time now. But Sunday afternoon, I jumped on the bandwagon. Tom Brady had the game of his life, throwing 5 touchdowns in the 2nd quarter alone, something to nobody has done since 1950. There was one moment of sheer deja-vu: The Titans fumble the ball, and immediately Brady goes way way way the fuck downfield to find Randy Moss in the endzone. This happened twice in the span of 2 minutes. And not to mention the sheer bad assery of Wes Welker, who got 2 touches and a buck fitty. The game released some strange animalistic enthusiasm out of me. I wanted to see them score more and more. I wanted a decapitation. I wanted to see people cry. I wanted to see the end of the world. I got about half of that, but I was still satisfied. What amazes me is that they were able to score 59 points in a snowstorm. Anybody who knows anything about weather and football knows that a snowy game is never an offensive one. This was not the case…or at least, half the case. There’s still the case of the Titans and their monstrous meltdown that has been occurring for 6 straight weeks. This was the team that last year had an unwarranted amount of credit for being a dynamic squad. I always disagreed, knowing that given the right circumstances, this team will fail. They are now 0-6, and everyone is confused…except me. Their stats from this game were downright hilarious. Vince Young, who likes to drink in clubs with no shirt on, was brought in half-way through the game, and because the team’s passing leader with 0/2 for 0 yards and 1 interception. And how does this make him the team leader, you ask? Well, that’s because Kerry Fucking Collins threw 2/12 for -7 yards! -7 yards! -7 yards? -7 yards! How does this happen? How can a team that went 12-4 last season be so fucking terrible? Regardless, it looks like New England is finally back to form (and they have Junior Seau again?!?!?), and this time around, you might, just might, find me rooting for them. But, I’m sure I’ll be sick of them by the end of next week.

To tie things off, my dad made a very sick joke yesterday that went way over my head. We were discussing the New England massacre, and he asked me if Steve McNair started for the Titans in that game. I said to him, “Well, no, he hasn’t played in years. Do you mean Kerry Collins?” It was then that it dawned on me that Steve McNair is dead. And guilty laughter ensued.

If you made it this far, pat yourself on the back. I’ll probably be back next week, as I have nothing better to do on Tuesday mornings. Until then, lets hope Matt Stafford gets better and the general public can realize that the Chargers “just aint what dey used to be”.

-TeeCoZee