Is Google Wave a Phase in the Creation of a Doomsday Machine?

Google Wave is currently in the testing phase, and promises to drastically reshape our notions of what the internet is capable of in terms of collaboration and communication. But underneath the altruistic intentions put forth, is it possible that a more sinister force is at work? Baseball for Dinner takes a look at the presentation from the Google I/O conference that took place in late May 2009, and has provided an abridged version of the presentation for our viewers.

Google Wave – abridged presentation (2009)

First off, the two brothers responsible for leading the development team are also the ones that brought us GoogleMaps. Seems if you were to make something that was designed to render the entire world uninhabitable by creating a radioactive cloud “that would enshroud the earth in a hundred years of lethal radioactivity from which no human life could escape” it would be helpful to have a satellite imaging system in place, to monitor the preset conditions that lead to the automatic triggering of such a device, thus ending human existence.

Secondly, according to our resident expert “Dr.” Alfred C. Snorile, people with similar accents are able to tap into the collective unconscious localized within a particular subsection of the population activated by audio-cognitive “thought cues.” I, and I’m sure the majority of our readers, haven’t the faintest clue what that means. Luckily I was able to sit down with “Dr.” Snorile at his summer home and laboratory in Big Sandy, Montana, across the railroad tracks from the local historical society.

ROSCOE – Hello, Mr. Snorile.

SNORILE – Um, excuse me, but that’s “Doctor” Snorile.

ROSCOE – Uh, yeah… I actually received a letter from the Association of Integrated kNowledge and Technology (AINT) and they tell me that due to article 14.7-B of the Regulations and Stipulations of AINT, you are required, by law, to use the obligatory air quotes when you present yourself as “Doctor” Snorile.

SNORILE – (sighs, with a look of disgust) Fine. My title is (motions with the universal air-quote sign with his hands) “Doctor” Alfred C. Snorile, and I am humbly at your service.

ROSCOE – Ok, well “Doctor,” I have a simple question about your theory on audio-cognitive “thought cues.”

SNORILE – Ah, yes, my theory that has revolutionized modern thought on Walter’s Law of  Cosmic Unconsciousness, where I state that ‘people with similar accents are able to tap into the collective unconscious localized within a particular subsection of the population activated by audio-cognitive “thought cues”,’ which you just alluded to.

ROSCOE – Yeah, that’s the one. What in the hell is it supposed to mean, in terms someone without a “doctorate” in Collective Universal Unity could understand?

SNORILE – Well, quite simply, it means if Person A sounds like Person B, on some level each of the two know anything and everything that the other one knows, they just have to learn how to access it.

ROSCOE – So… you’re basically saying that because of the similarities between the accents of Lars Rasmussen and Dr. Strangelove, Lars has the potential to create a doomsday device?

SNORILE – I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Upon reaching the clarification needed, I went to say my farewells to the good “Doctor,” but found that he had mysteriously vanished… almost as if he evaporated straight through the walls, to paraphrase Dr. John Cawley. Regardless, I had my answer. Baseball for Dinner managed to acquire a clip from the 1964 film for comparison through methods best left undisclosed.

Dr. Strangelove (1964)

After countless hours of careful analysis and cross-checking, the BfD research squadron was able to confirm some similarities in the speech patterns of the Google Wave conference speaker Hans Rasmussen and Dr. Strangelove, but don’t panic just yet. In their tireless pursuit for the whole truth, the BfD research squadron also uncovered this archival footage of actor-comedian Andy Kaufman from his appearance on the Johnny Cash Show in 1979.

Andy Kaufman on the Johnny Cash Show (1979)

Note the exact phrase  used by Lars Rasmussen at the end of the presentation of “Thank you very much,” complete with the typical small nod. This utterance is far too specific to be mere coincidence. Upon looking further into the theory of audio-cognitive “though cues,” I found that there is a stronger resonance between potential people tapping into the collective unconsciousness when the years in question end in the same number. Thus, the 1979 performance of Kaufman creates a stronger link to the 2009 Rasmussen than that of the 1964 Dr. Strangelove. So it would seem that the people of earth can still rest easy; Google Wave is not part of some Doomsday plot, but rather just another punchline from that prince of jokesters.

Well, I guess you got us again, Mr. Kaufman.