Local Homeless Vendor Finds New Way of Cooking; Marketing Scheme

–Eastmanville, CA

For the past few weeks, a local street vendor has been offering his customers something that supermarkets have been offering for over 20 years, but with a twist of culture. Mario Cantino is a 36 year old native, who has decided to dip his fingers in entrepreneurship. Mario has a certain advantage over other street vendors, that has been the heart of his strategy. Mario is homeless, and proud of it. This twist to his marketing scheme has caused hundreds and hundreds of “sympathy sales” to occur. And what is it that he is selling?

Hot Pockets, of course!

Hot Pockets, of course!

However, these aren’t the same kind of Hot Pockets that you can buy in the freezer isle of your local grocer. Customers have attested that Mario does something different to these that give them a signature taste. Frequent customer and local food critic, Ben Dirker, attests that:

“There’s something about these things that make my tongue tingle. It’s like there’s a party in my mouth, and everyone’s invited. Mario is truly a gift from the heavens. I will never make my own Hot Pocket again.”

Marge Dirker, Ben’s estranged wife confesses:

“Ever since he started eating those darned Hot Pockets, his mind has gone haywire. Hot Pockets are his favorite in-between-meal snack, but now whenever I try to make them, he just hits me. Finally, after the last scuffle when he shoved an entire raw chicken over my head, I said enough is enough. So I went to Mario, and bought out his whole day’s supply. I may be a strong woman, but a strong woman still needs her man.”

So what exactly is it that makes Mario’s Hot Pockets so special and addicting? Food vendor analyst, Mark Johnson, has been on Mario’s case since the day his stand went up:

“From what I compiled over the last 18 days, it is that Mario is homeless. Because he is homeless, he probably does not have a place to house a microwave to cook said Hot Pockets. He has somehow found an alternate way to cook these things, and I am still trying to figure it out.”

Mario’s customers have many theories. Some believe that he has access to a radioactive ray, possibly one he found discarded in the junkyard. Others believe that he steams them over a fire every night. Some even believe that he’s buying them from a third party source and taking all the credit for it. We spoke to another local derelict, who asked to be unnamed, that thinks he knows Mario’s secret.

“I’ve seen dem before, dem growing fields. He plants the seeds on plastic sheets, and the sun makes them grow. The ice can be no more when the sun makes dem grow! Ice no more! Ice no more! Ice no more! Ice no more! Ice no more!”

This incited a chant among the other derelicts hanging around. Whether or not he knows Mario’s secret is moot, because the man makes no sense. All that this reporter knows is that these Hot Pockets are delicious, and I may just have one more. To tide me over before dinner.