Taco Bell Hops On Acronym Bandwagon
Yum! Brands Inc. and Taco Bell announced today that they will be joining the likes of Burger King, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and International House of Pancakes in an attempt to increase their “Hipster Index” by shortening the restaurant’s name to an acronym. This decision comes after Yum! Brands’ CFO Pork Hertylman saw record profit drops this quarter in reaction to a price hike on Volcano Tacos. While millions of Americans equate the name “Taco Bell” with delicious ethnic cuisine, Yum! Brands is confident that their effort to stay culturally adept will be well-received.
“Listen, we’re looking forward and constantly working on our image,” Hertylman told Baseball For Dinner. “We’re not a little Mexican dog anymore. We have chains in Asia now, and you can’t speak Mandarin with a Mexican accent. It doesn’t make sense. We can’t live in the past. Nothing’s tried and true in the fast food industry, except providing the highest quality food available to the consumer. I mean, what the hell is a ‘Taco Bell’? Is it a dinner bell? Come on, this isn’t the Wild Frontier. People aren’t riding their stage coaches up to the drive-thru to eat Taco Bell. They’re driving up in automobiles for Fourth Meal to get some TB.”
Critics are calling the move bold and ill-advised, suggesting that amid 21st Century health scares like SARS, Bird Flu, and Mad Cow Disease, consumers may be hesitant to embrace the change. Hertylman wishes the opposition would be more specific.
“TB is delicious. TB is world-renowned. TB is affordable. TB doesn’t just stand for Taco Bell. TB stands for Too Bad You Suck, Zagat Review. I don’t know what swine flu has to do with me or this corporation,” Pork told BFD News. “Try Blogging about it, bozos. This campaign will make the company Two Billion. Guaranteed. Read a book, chuckleheads. Marketing works.”
Hertylman promised to follow up with BFD, but was recently assassinated by terrorists. Tough Break, Mister Hertylman. You will be missed.